I struggle with the opposite of this a little. I try to recognize it’s not my DIL’s place to worry about gifts for our family for example. BUT, they have decided in their roles she is responsible for “gift management.” SO, I have to respect their choices too. Just one example, but you get the idea. There is no right or wrong answer, just whatever is comfortable for all parties. I know the older generation (than us) doesn’t always respect what the younger generation would like either. Example - always calling the wife instead of the biological son.
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Frame this post! 
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I think @Hoggirl choosing to not take action in response to the recent game of Telephone about MIL & the grill/bbq is wise. She & her H have directly offered to MIL more than once to help teach MIL & Bob how to safely operate the grill. And each time, MIL chooses to not take them up on the offer. So she or Bob clearly must not want to use it badly enough.
MIL making a passive aggressive comment to a friend about it is not Hoggirl or her H’s problem to fix.
AND I’d propose for consideration that perhaps MIL’s friends & the SIL all mean well, but they’re getting a little wrapped up in something that, in the grand scheme of things, is kind of small and doesn’t matter.
Something my MIL used to do (which drove us bonkers sometimes) is she’d say something to a friend in such a way that put herself in a better light and/or made her out to look like a helpless old woman and boo hoo, nobody is helping her. So we’d get word once in awhile through the grapevine of that, where somebody would ask how come we’re not helping her more.
However, the REALITY of the situation was that we were knocking ourselves out all the time to help her. Many times she’d actually refuse the help we’d offered. She’d insist that she was ‘fine’ and would ‘figure it out.’
So what I started doing with people who meant well but would come to us asking “How come you aren’t helping her? She’s your MOTHER/MIL!” is “Consider that there’s another side to the story. You don’t have all of the facts.”
The grill isn’t a problem. If they’re content to let it sit there, let the grill sit on their patio unused. It’s fine.
It’s also possible that the REAL reason they haven’t taken up Hoggirl & her DH up on their offer to show them how to operate the grill is because Bob has refused (behind closed doors). Like, maybe Bob has told MIL privately that he doesn’t want Hoggirl’s DH to do that for him…and, therefore, rather than revealing to a friend in front of Bob that the reason that they’re not using the grill is because Bob is a stubborn butthead, it’s easier to blame it all on somebody else.
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I think the main thing you can do is accept that you aren’t going to change her or Bob.
I think SIL and these friends are just gossipy and Bob is a safe, unifying antagonist. I would take what they say with a giant grain of salt, and you have to just decide to not play along. I’d only entertain these nosey Nancys if you, in fact, find it entertaining. (Admittedly, sometimes I find drama a wonderful distraction!) Otherwise, I’d let it roll off your back. If what they say really bugs you, then address it directly. Call D and ask about the visit, and you can correct any misinformation directly.
But, truthfully, all this extracurricular back-and-forth feels exhausting. I would extricate myself when at all possible, which probably means telling D and L and SIL to leave you out of any gossip chain. Of course, then you will be the subject of the gossip!
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I agree with @noready that MIL was likely lonely and also tired and worn out. So along comes someone ( Bob) and he wants to be with her. It’s also flattering to her that a guy is interested in her. So I get why she agreed to marry him so quickly.
I’m not a fan of Bob , but he did sign the pre nup and it sounds as if MIL is capable of making decisions and she is happy to be with him. I wouldn’t deal with the way he is, but if she is ok with it and not being mistreated, it’s her life.
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I am thinking it is bizarre that Friend D had to mention that she paid for her own dinner
If they had gone out was MIL supposed to pick up the check? And if this used to happen, is MIL obligated to pay in perpetuity???
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@MaineLonghorn how are the meetings going?
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TLDR: Things seem to be under control. For now.
Thanks for asking! We had a great strategizing session last night with BK and NA (nurse advocate). They are SO supportive and helpful. After we finished with them, Sis and I spent a good bit of time writing down what we wanted to say. Sis is pretty terse most of the time, but she is much more patient and sensitive with Dad, so we agreed she would do most of the talking.
Then we were totally surprised how well the call with Dad went. We explained that what we were proposing was coming from the financial planner Dad retained, who has spent an unbelievable amount of time to analyze his situation. Dad said he understood, and that Sis and I can do whatever we think is necessary. We explained how much money he’s losing on the coastal condo, even before LF’s expensive renovations, and he came right out and said, “I want to sell it.” Sis asked Dad if it weren’t for LF, how often would he like to go down there, and he said, “Not very often.” In a way, it’s a blessing that LF changed EVERYTHING, because now Sis has no emotional attachment to the place - before now, she had said she wanted to keep it eventually.
Dad also agreed we could go ahead and cancel any of their planned bookings beyond next week (because Sis is going down with them). Sis has already gone onto the website and canceled them. I called BK and she and Sis will coordinate finding a Realtor. I calculated that every time they go down there, he has to pay an extra $346/day on caregiving costs, and he loses (rough average) $345/day on rental income! And they stay for six to eight days when they go down, at least once a month! He also said he won’t allow anyone else to stay there for free, yay. It was so out of hand.
Dad agreed we can get a second debit card with a limit. We will replace the “regular” credit card with a new number so that Dad doesn’t have it on his phone - we were upfront about everything and told him this, and he was fine with it. That card will go in a lockbox and anyone, including Dad, who wants to use it will have to get a code from me (obviously I will change the code every time it’s used).
He also agreed that it’s good to tell the caregivers to talk to only NA about any issues, and that it’s grounds for dismissal if they violate the rules. The caregivers will receive a list of new policies (including giving all receipts to BK) and be asked to sign it. I suggested to NA she might want to have caregivers do this for ALL of her clients, because anyone who needs so much care is vulnerable and suggestible. She said she thought that was an excellent idea.
I asked Dad to sign an authorization form for me to request receipts from anyone, and he did so willingly.
In a BOLD move (!!!), Sis asked Dad if he would consider moving all his investments from his current advisor (who has never once asked BK for information about Dad’s spending - how could he come up with a valid planning strategy??) to the financial planner who’s helped, and he said yes!!
I have been working on all of this so much that I got only 4 hours of work in yesterday. So I stayed up until 4:45 am to finish up a project and woke up at 9:15 to find emails and messages from the FP after I’d texted her we would be speaking with Dad. She couldn’t be at the meeting, but she gave me more information. She said she feels her calling is to help older people, and I know she’s sincere. This afternoon, when I told her Dad had agreed to switch to her, she looked positively stunned (on Zoom). It was almost like she was about to try to persuade us not to have Dad do that. I told her I’d been thinking about doing this for quite awhile, but obviously it had to be Dad’s decision. She will come over Monday for Dad to sign the paperwork. 
The current FP will be furious. I’ve asked Sis to inform him, after the papers are signed. I know if I tell him, he will go on a long harangue about how much he’s helped Dad and me. He doesn’t have that history with Sis, and she won’t put up with any BS, either. I told her she should ask, “When is the last time you got updated information about Dad’s expenditures?” and let him swing in the breeze.
Dad also agreed to look at a smaller unit at his facility, because he never uses his office. Sis learned there’s a really nice one available, and they are looking at it right now! We’re going to keep up the momentum before LF gets to him and changes his mind.
Next up is our discussion with LF in an hour or so. Our strategy is now different. We will explain the situation and don’t have to enlist her help, really. Dad agreed that she does not need to use his credit card at all. I will be monitoring credit card charges and question any that look unnecessary.
I think Dad is relieved someone is taking control. He knows we want the best for him. I’m glad he’s still cognizant enough to understand that.
Thanks for listening, and I appreciate everyone’s great advice.
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And lady friend?
We haven’t spoken with her yet. Soon!
Such a great report, @MaineLonghorn!
I can’t remember who DF is in your situation?? I know LF is Lady Friend, and BK is bookkeeper, and NA is Nurse Advicate, but I must have missed who DF is??
It sounds like he might have had issues saying, “No,” to LF, but deep down knew she needed to be reined in.
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All sounds very positive! Just wondering why you’d tell your dad not to give you or sis plus kids gifts of money? It’s one of the easiest ways to pass money through to family tax free and avoids probate and wills. Better it be in your hands ( especially now) than someone else’s.
The apparent ease your dad has in selling the condo begs the question of LF future plans for it. Herself perhaps?
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I took a break from packing (we close on our new house tomorrow) to come on here to tell you that mil texted sil and me on the group wanting dh and me to come over to teach them how to use the grill! Her suggested day was our, “moving day,” which is Monday (that’s when our furniture movers are coming. We’ll be moving all our other personal crapola over the weekend). I told her I’d run it by dh. I kept all of this in the group text so sil could see what was happening.
We understood her heart was in the right place as she knows we won’t be set up for cooking for ourselves by Monday, but dh and I both know that day will by FAR be the most stressful and exhausting. So I copied and pasted her text to him and asked how he wanted me to respond, and he said, “That would be nice if we could do it Saturday or Sunday.” So I copied and pasted that and texted the group. We did push her back slightly on the time we would go over, but we settled on Saturday night.
I am very eager to see how Bob acts about all of it.
I am glad she asked us directly for help.
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Oops, LF. I’ll correct it. I’m tired…
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He signed the prenup, but if he depletes his funds…MIL is on the hook for where they live.
So in some ways, the prenup is somewhat moot, as Bob can accelerate his spending because her money is going to cover him if/when he runs out.
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Well, we’re trying not to have him use any of his cash since he’s in a tight spot. But you’re right, we can talk to the financial planner about gifting strategies in the future.
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And she could change her will tomorrow. Or put his name on all her accounts.
In hindsight, we probably should have done something more elaborate like an irrevocable trust. Though, I don’t know if/how the CCRC deals with those.
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I think telling your dad not to give y’all money also is a way for him to feel like you aren’t doing these things in order to benefit yourselves. Helps him not to dig in.
Glad it went so well!
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This is great.
I understand that in the past, the group texts were an efficient way for all of you to stay connected. But it occurs to me … your H may get more (and more accurate) information if you guys shifted to one on one communications?
MIL may not want SIL privy to conflicts she might be having with the H she knows her daughter disapproves of. She may have financial concerns if Bob’s spendy habits are coming into clear view. Maybe its time to go old school and just communicate with the actual person you want to talk to? These groups sometimes feel very junior high. Do you think MIL would be more forthcoming if everything wasn’t shared??
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