The conversation with LF went very well. She was surprised to learn about Dad’s financial situation - she had been told Dad’s overall net worth, which sounds impressive, but not when you look at how much he’s spending. She said, “We’ll make due.” Also, she said she was glad this is happening because it puts things in perspective. “Things were getting out of hand and I was part of it.” She apologized a couple of times for spending so much on the renovation. I told her that Dad will probably recoup the money when he sells the place, because all of the furniture artwork, etc. will go with it.
She asked what she could do to help, and I said to try to help Dad not spend money unnecessarily, like going to expensive restaurants.
And Dad is going to move to a smaller unit! It’s actually the same layout we were going to get for Mom when Dad was on hospice (but then COVID hit so we didn’t follow through). It’s only one bedroom and that one is smaller than his current one, but the living area is open and roomier. I think it will be better when he has company, which he does often.
Dh is not on the group text. It’s just mil, sil, and I.
Mil should have extended her invitation on a separate text either just to dh or to dh and me. Dh does communicate separately and alone with her on financial issues, but those don’t arise too often.
Sil thought it was inconsiderate of mil to ask us to come help them on the weekend we are moving. I did tell her that I thought mil’s heart was in the right place - she knows we will be eating out for several days. So, I sort of see her viewing it as killing two birds - we get fed, and they learn how to use the grill. Again, I can’t see how it’s remarkably different than what she’s used for years. The only difference is this one uses a propane tank whereas her former home had a direct, natural gas line going to her grill.
She suggested we come over at 5:00 pm, but I did push her back half an hour - we have a LOT to accomplish this weekend, and every minute counts. But, we do have to eat at some point! It doesn’t bother us that she asked for help over moving weekend, but it bothers sil
It’s great that your dad and LF and everyone sounds like they’re on board with the BK, NA, new FP and you and sis, @MaineLonghorn ! I’m sure it was a tough bunch of conversations but good to clear the air and prevent bad financial situations for your dad! Great job!
I’m so glad you didn’t have to have any fights with anyone! Great diplomacy!
“Sil thought it was inconsiderate of mil to ask us to come help them on the weekend we are moving.”
What would your life feel like without dealing with other people’s thoughts, feelings, opinions?
I have a lot of compassion for SIL and her feelings about being sidelined. But speaking as a total outsider, at some point it seems as though her feelings are giving her permission to manipulate you and/or your H.
You have been a great DIL throughout. But putting your own oxygen mask on first isn’t just for airline turbulence!
This is wonderful news, and you must be so relieved to have a fair amount of buy-in from LF in all this. Wishing you all the best in taking all the steps you’ve identified to help your Dad preserve his nest egg for his needs.
Amen. This was my mom as well. She would cover up her struggles when socializing with her friends by making her daughters the “fall guys.”
I would guess this is pretty common. And while it was a super annoying coping mechanism on her part, I learned not to let myself feel judged by her friends. As she aged, friends saw behind the facade.
I really hope I age more gracefully than my parent. Really no guarantees. Despite my best intentions.
I’m sure you have friends who have dealt with the TSUNAMI that happens when a parent runs through their nest egg (no matter how large or how well invested) and the cascade of ^&*$ that goes with it.
Right now you’re being prudent about the use of a vacation property and the other “extras”. Imagine the conversation which starts with “Dad, you need to decide if you’d rather be in a subsidized housing complex for the elderly in your own town, or move into my family room which we’ll outfit with everything you need”. And it goes downhill from there pretty quickly.
I don’t see how one can go through life without dealing with those! Unless one is a hermit.
“Dealing,” with them has a different connotation to me from carrying them. Maybe I’m splitting hairs here.
I don’t agree with sil’s viewpoint on this. I told her that mil’s timing didn’t bother me. It certainly wouldn’t be my first choice, but to me it’s not that big of an inconvenience.
I can’t control how sil reacts. But, she’s entitled to react however she wants. I can listen without agreeing.
Of course you have to consider other people’s feelings. If you said something hurtful to your SIL you would want to know and would apologize.
But do you really need her weighing in on interactions you have with MIL? Do you need to consider how she will react to every plan or communication you have? Isn’t it enough that you are already sensitive to her feelings of loss over her mother’s attention…does she need to feel constantly aggrieved (and let you know about it) that you have figured out a successful “Bob Management Strategy” when she has not???
Just a suggestion that that the group chat may have outlived its purpose. And that you seem to be carrying a disproportionate emotional load for your family. And the only person who can shed some of those responsibilities is you…
I do think I’ve figured out a Bob management strategy! What a fun phrase - lol. I don’t enjoy Bob, but I can tolerate him periodically. Sil cannot, and I doubt she ever will. Which is sad to me.
The group chat is for our daily puzzling! Mil is the one who put her dinner/grill question in the group text to begin with. I wouldn’t have done that if I were extending an invite. I guess I should have responded with a new text just to her.
I do think I’m making progress on your last sentence - truly.
I have so appreciated your and everyone’s advice throughout this journey.
I have to say, I agree with SIL that adding one more think to you and your H list on moving weekend is not considerate. Is going to her house and teaching then the grill AND maybe grilling some food helping you out? Sounds like another task to me!
Re: grills. I can see that the gas propane tank MAY BE intimidating. Even dangerous! And if her thinking or physical skills have changed she truly may not remember how to use it. Maybe the knobs are different. Or the turning on/off of the propane tank.
I hope for the best for all of us but I think it’s very possible that what we remember to do at 60 may not apply when we are 85. Hard fact.
You’re right, that wouldn’t be good! He would never agree to live with me since there’s no “acceptable” churches within 500 miles. My sister might be on the hook, although even in Arkansas I don’t think there are any churches he would attend.
I know ChatGPT gets slammed a lot, but wow, did it come up with a wonderful policy for caregiver communication and financial procedures. It’s very professional and clear. The advocate said she really likes it. She will make it clear that the family was advised we need policies, and we’re not insinuating that anyone has acted improperly. We just want to make sure that we’re looking out for Dad’s best interests.
@MaineLonghorn I’m so glad things went so well and all the parties seem to realize that it’s a serious matter. And are willing to make some changes.
I do wonder if LF got caught up in the moment of having the opportunity of seemingly endless buckets of money to spend. Something she may have never had before. So she went a little wild. Got caught so to speak, feels guilty and is intelligent enough to understand that 1)the money isn’t endless and 2) that to stay on everyone’s good graces she needs to cut it out.
@MaineLonghorn and as you noted, the improvements to that condo actually might be appealing to buyers…so your dad will end up perhaps gettin more for this than before the improvements were done.
My sister might be on the hook, although even in Arkansas I don’t think there are any churches he would attend.