So glad you and Sis were able to come up with common sense guidelines and make it clear for everyone without accusations and bad feelings. That’s an important skill, especially in working with elders who are dependent on caregivers. Finding a retaining good caregivers is a huge challenge.
4 Likes
It is funny the scapegoating older people do to look good.
As my parents were aging, I learned that ~ 30+ years ago, my mother told my black sheep sister that I (and my kids) “had our names on” things that sister commented she’d like someday.
Like implied there was masking tape and a name on it when my parents were likely in their 70s. I am the golden child & that sister is the scapegoat so it was not real helpful to our relationship. I only learned of it when our mother was downsizing near the end from one of the safe siblings.
So, my mother did not want to give possessions important to her to my sister, for some valid and some odd reasons, but did not want to say that and hurt any feelings, so they made me look like a greedy brat. Um, thanks Mom.
It worked out okay, it was just an example of the same types of things you’re talking about, make some 3rd party look bad to avoid looking bad themselves.
14 Likes
Not too much time this morning as we are in moving chaos.
When we first arrived Bob suggested mil cook the burgers on the stove since it was so hot. She said, “We are using the grill.” I think his concern is gas spewing out with the flame not on. Dh was able to show mil where both burners were lit. You do have to get at a weird angle to see them. But, here’s the thing - Bob can’t see them regardless. He also cannot see well enough to read the temperature gauge. Dh did the cooking, but he showed mil both when he was prepping to cook and again after dinner how to turn the gas on at the source, start the grill, and make sure the burners are both on. (Apologies if that description is off - dh does all are grilling).
Bob knocked over his glass of milk right before we were headed to the table to sit down with our assembled burgers. No big deal. They both started cleaning it up. He was using copious amounts of paper towels. Why do I mention this? Because right after, I think he was looking for it. I heard mil say, “You spilled your milk.” Very reminiscent of the issue at the restaurant where he quickly forgot that the bill had been paid after passing the tab back and forth to mil (tactile participation) and their discussing how they split their checks when they go out. So, I believe Bob is having short term memory issues.
Less worrisome, but still along the same lines, Mil had forgotten to start the oven for the baked beans. Said she’d just do them in the microwave. Set them in there to heat up later. After I assembled my burger I asked, “Mil, were you going to heat the beans?” She also forgot to give the buns she’d wrapped in foil to dh to warm on the grill.
So, I think they are both slipping, but his lapses are much shorter term and more, “severe,” for lack of a better term. More noticeable.
He can tell a story - even a recent event/incident - just fine.
I asked about their cruise - if they were excited. “Too far away/too soon to be excited.”
His hearing, as usual, made things challenging.
We stayed a couple of hours.
Okay, back to moving tasks!
18 Likes
Good luck with the move!
And I’m glad that H was able to help give his mom a grill tutorial! Makes sense that MIL should be the grilled if Bob’s eyesight is so compromised!
2 Likes
I hope you reminded them how to turn the grill OFF or the next time they go to use it, they won’t have any propane left in the tank!
4 Likes
Ha ha! Yes, my dh did!
Doesn’t mean it won’t happen though
3 Likes
So our octogenarians have had some travel woes. Step MIL got very sick on their last trip and needed to be hospitalized in the Canadian Rockies. The “hospital” was a small rural clinic that didn’t really know what to do for her cardiac issues. She was nearly air lifted but they managed to figure things out via tele health. They ended up having to extend their trip by 4 days before she was cleared to travel home.
Meanwhile, FIL confessed just yesterday that he had another bike accident right before the trip, and that it took three weeks to heal! We’ve been trying to convince him for years to start riding a peloton indoors (he’s had a number of major falls and broken bones in the last few years) but so far that falls on deaf ears.
They have an adventure cruise planned next month to very remote areas. Step MIL’s cardiologist nixed that for her and told her the adventure days are over. She’s fine to travel to big westernize cities, do river cruises in Europe, travel to US cities, but that’s it. He also cautioned her against long flights because she has an elevated clotting risk.
FIL is planning on going on this “last” adventure cruise without her (I was really surprised when he told us that) as they are going with two other couples. Step MIL is telling him to go as are the friends. He says this will be his last one too and that it’s likely time for him to also slow down.
They’ve been pretending for years now that they felt great like they were 60 but it’s been clear to everyone else around them that they were starting to struggle physically and mentally, so we are kind of happy that they are finally coming to that realization too. (It’s been a worry for us every time they are away).
I hope they can manage this transition OK. They’ve been go go go since they got married 20 years ago. Usually 3-4 big trips/year. Thankfully FIL got his “make it to all the continents” bucket list item done!
We’re going to need to figure out a time to go see them next. We have nothing in the books. FIL turns 85 this year in December so we’re feeling like we need to do something. Was hoping that they would come to SIL’s house where we are gathering for thanksgiving but I’m not sure they’ll do that.
Simultaneously we are trying to get our other octogenarian (not in a romance) to a CCRC community but I’ll post about that in the caring for parents thread. Never a dull moment!
12 Likes
Glad to hear mil was able to make her point clear, that she will grill. Since Bob is so dominant. Maybe she’s finally figuring out how to be heard.
Also that Bob insists on driving! 
5 Likes
I was just thinking….is Bob still driving? A car? A boat? Cause his eye sight + hearing issues makes me think he should not be!
Hope the move is going ok @Hoggirl - I bet you’re getting all your steps in!
8 Likes
Yes, Bob still drives both a boat and a car. I do get the sense that mil does more of the driving than he does.
He went with her (again) to the beauty shop on Friday. He mentioned it. Don’t know if he also went with her for her mani-pedi that same day 
8 Likes
This just made me laugh this morning. 
My husband would probably rather have a colonoscopy than go to a hair or nail salon with me.
16 Likes
lol I CANNOT imagine my husband stepping foot in a hair or nails place! (Especially if he’s not getting any services)
5 Likes
Sorry for all the difficulties. Hopefully the elders you help will heed any wise advise you give them… even if it takes a while to sink in.
Reading this kind of story it all makes me yearn for me/husband to travel more ourselves now, while easily able. I’ve been hesitating to plan any itinerary with big timezone changes and trip logistics that would leave sis (who never travels) with too much burden on her own for our father/wife if yet more calamities. But on another travel thread I may solicit ideas for November travel.
5 Likes
What timezone do you want? I have friends (younger than us- so in their late 50’s) but the H has a serious chronic condition and a pretty complex protocol of meds and infusions.
They are determined to see EVERYTHING in their timezone (up and down!) while he’s still mobile. It is really amazing to see. They’ve done stuff they thought they had no interest in (Civil War re-enactments? obscure monuments) and the “famous” national and state parks, cool and weird restaurants (best fried pickle, that sort of thing) and with an eye towards being within reasonable driving distance of a major medical center.
It can be done!
6 Likes
Various scenarios possible. I’ll solicit some ideas over at General retirement travel plans
I suspect I may be that person so I sympathize with them. Not to say your concerns aren’t merited, but it sounds like for them, they ARE adventure travelers, they don’t just DO adventure travel. Really wishing all of you luck and wisdom as you navigate this.
1 Like
Amen!
5 Likes
I have a guy friend who likes to get his nails done. He always texts me when he is at a salon - trying to make me jealous. He said it’s the most relaxing thing. The funny thing is he actually very macho.
3 Likes
Gee, thanks. Now I’m going to have the Village People’s, “Macho Man,” as an ear worm all day!
7 Likes
In my town there’s a salon exclusively for men, called Hammer and Nails. I guess the “nails” tells you what they do, while the “hammer” tells you who they do it for.
4 Likes