The caregivers were not offended by the list of policies I drew up, and they all signed the acknowledgment form without complaining.
Sis is at the condo now, and Dad and LF will join them tomorrow. Sis said that LF changed literally everything. I think there are a couple of paintings that remain, but that’s it. Sis said it’s going to be hard to bite her tongue. But she added that it looks lovely and the unit should sell quickly. I can’t wait for Dad to get rid of it.
I think most home health care professionals out there act professionally, want to be treated with respect (which you guys are clearly doing) and therefore welcome reasonable policies that allow them to do their jobs with no gray areas. I applaud you for making the “rules of the road” so clear!
All three of my sons love hair salons and spas for getting facials. One of them used to ask to be dropped off at the Radio Shack but it was next door to Elizabeth Grady. Those stores are both out of business nationwide I think.
What should the GF get an allowance at all? She can spend her own money…
@Hoggirl how did your move and settling in go?
Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking. 
She just returned two chairs she (well, Dad) bought for the condo and got $1,000 back for him.
Sis just spent several days there with Dad and LF. Sis said almost everything was changed, even toilet paper roll holders. Everything is very sophisticated, which was not the look Sis and our mom were going for - it’s the beach. One day, Sis told me she was nervous because LF wanted to talk to her. Turns out LF just wanted her to know that although selling the condo was going to be very tough on her, she would get through it. !!! Sis was thinking, “Uh, I’ve been coming here for 42 years - you completely changed everything and didn’t think about my feelings!”
Sis tried to be a good sport, but she said LF constantly annoyed her with her comments. She tends to complain about everything.
Yesterday, Sis asked if she could reserve a table at the facility for Dad, Sis, and a friend down the hall. Dad said yes. Lunch time came, and when Sis said, “OK, time to get ready!” Dad said, “I’m not eating lunch! I had a big breakfast [at a restaurant on the trip back to Austin] and I’m not hungry.” “But Dad, your friend is expecting us…” “I’m not eating lunch!”
Then when Sis came over to Dad’s place late afternoon, she noticed Dad’s car was gone. When she inquired about it, LF said, “Oh, Caregiver went to pick up food we ordered.” What the heck? He eats out at breakfast, doesn’t eat the meal that’s paid for at his facility, and then orders out when they brought home lots of good leftovers from the coast. When I emailed the bookkeeper, she said, “Oh, the grocery bills are very high and he orders out at least once or twice every week.” Sigh. He and LF still don’t get it. The bookkeeper suggested seeing if the facility offers a lower rent with fewer meals, but Sis thinks it’s important for Dad to socialize. I agree, but if he’s not eating there much?!?
I will join virtually in the meeting between Dad and the financial planner - they’ve done a new analysis based on Dad’s current situation. I’ve asked the planner to explain that this analysis is based on reasonable discretionary expenses. He can’t keep spending money like crazy just because he’s selling the condo - in his mind, that’s what he can do. I should probably talk to the caregivers’ manager and come up with ideas how to reduce expenses.
Caregivers are still annoyed that they give LF rides back and forth to her place.
LF is also becoming more vocal about her advice to Dad. “Why don’t you think about moving to X?” @Youdon_tsay knows the place. Uh, it’s expensive (about $1 million buy in!!) and we didn’t like it as much when we toured it… She insists it’s not as expensive now (ha) and that Dad should think about it. Sis has about had it.
Sis saw her two kids and their spouses yesterday. She told them about Dad’s situation. She noticed a couple of them whispering to each other. When she asked them about it, one of them said, “Well, we’ve had a funny feeling about LF for awhile now…”
As a couple of you have mentioned, I wonder how long LF will stick around. Dad honestly isn’t the best company anymore, and if he doesn’t pay for a lot of stuff for LF, I don’t see what’s in it for her. We’ll see.
A good man is hard to find! (lol, ask me how I know!)
I think it is perfectly reasonable to set an expectation that meals out/ordering delivery is to be reserved for entertaining the family when they visit and is NOT to be used to augment the meals you are already paying for. We had this issue with a few caregivers….we would see a weeks worth of groceries in the trash (spoiled fruit, stale muffins….) and takeout orders neatly arranged in the fridge. One of the caregivers told me “she felt like eating sushi”. This was an end-stage elderly person who hadn’t been able to swallow solids in months. So we were paying 3X. Meals at the facility for mom and the aide. A weekly grocery order (fruit, snacks, sandwich ingredients ) for days when the aide didn’t want to go to the dining room. And then delivery a few times a week.
Yikes.
I don’t know, if the man wants a meal out, once or twice a week (more than I think his family is visiting due to their locations outside of his state) is that what we want to deny an older man of? Now the thing is, does he want the ordered food or does LF? That is the real question!
Food is not cheap but neither is “new everything right down to the toilet paper holders”!!!
I forget LF’s age but this sounds like typical “time is running out and I’m going to get everything I want no matter the cost” situation to me.
I get the LF wanting things but she’s doing it on the Dad’s dime.
Why does LF want him to move there? It’s not any closer to her place, right?
Admittedly, I love the recommended facility. It’s where I would want to live if I stayed in town. But it makes no sense for him at this point. I am guessing that he’d be looking at places other than the ones he and your mom were looking at at that time — something smaller so less expensive – and the huge buy-ins are if you want most of the buy-in back, but it still doesn’t make any sense.
It sounds like LF likes to spend other people’s money.
And that she is happy to say the right things but it’s lip service. She goes back to spending other people’s money, maybe in a different way but still the same.
LF can call Ubers. Once she has to spend her own money on transportation, maybe she won’t come over as much. I think you can tell her that it’s a liability issue and your father’s caregiver are no longer able to.
As far as picking up food, can that be another thing that is not the caregivers to do?
It all sounds very complicated and stressful to cut back on the excess
Right. If I wasn’t clear (not the first time!) I meant if it’s Maine‘s dad who wants to spend for these things on his dime that’s one thing, if it’s LF it’s another - and not ok!
Does dad want to order in 2x week. Find other areas to cut - if it’s LF, she should order on her own dime!
I was just thinking that it’s only been a week or so since the financial situation was discussed with ML’s dad and lf. Maybe some reminders are in order with all including caregivers who may be given permission to turn down these requests for rides and food pickups by telling lf and dad that ML and sis instructed that caregivers are to remain onsite at all times.
And that is exactly what she is crying about to Dad. Make sure he doesn’t put her on the deed and tell her she can live there.
For sure. He has a strong enough team in place I think he’s protected. Nobody would just let him run wild with his assets. I think everyone is concerned.
And make sure he doesn’t marry her!
Have you considered trying to get a POA? They can be limited to real estate (or whatever is agreed to). They don’t have to be all inclusive. If it includes transfer of property it would allow you to sell the condo (or whatever property) and take off the table the possibility of him giving any property to LF (I think.) even if they did marry. Plus it might make it easier for you.
While you have a strong team in place I guess I’ve heard one too many horror stories!
Rides? A bridge too far. An emergency trip to urgent care when she gets a cut from slicing bagels in his apartment? That’s fair. But her daily transportation? Yikes.
“Nobody would just let him run wild with his assets.” If they are legally HIS assets, than he doesn’t need anyone’s permission to run wild with them. If he is free to ignore the advice of his financial advisor, and she is free to ignore the redlines set down by the family, then good luck with the “strong enough team”. He doesn’t need a team (or needs MORE than a team). He needs a lawyer.