I relate to all of this. My MIL wouldn’t listen to ANY of us about suggestions, recommendations, etc. about her health stuff. She actively tried to keep info from my husband (her son) and his sister. Even when friends her own age made wise suggestions to her in the health & mobility arena, she’d brush it off and tell them, “Oh it’s fine.” She was stubborn and would not budge.
If your MIL won’t listen to her own kids about this stuff, she’s not going to listen to you about it either. You can lead a horse to water, but can’t make him drink. Same applies to your MIL. It’s really hard to watch our elderly loved ones make such dumb decisions.
Some medical practices have patient portals. They have all medical test results, medications, visit reports. You can also make appts. I have access to my mom’s portal, so I know her diagnosis, medications and test results. I also message her doctors on her behalf.
For her test results I can see trending. They keep history of all her tests, so I could see for all her blood work how each result is trending over time.
Yes. It was the fact that she didn’t continue with another med for treatment.
I had some vague knowledge that she had taken something for her bone density, but until two days ago, I didn’t know any specifics.
The discussion came about because she mentioned (on the group text) having an appointment for a bone density scan. I asked if it were time for one or if one of her new docs here had specifically ordered it. She said it was time. Sil asked some things. The overall discussion led to our learning that she was taken off the Prolia with no follow up. And the timeline for that.
I know nothing about any of it. I haven’t had a bone density scan myself. But, I can google!
I’m sure this is an option for her, but I doubt she knows how to use it. She says no one had, “called,” about her bone density scan results. I mentioned a portal option. She just didn’t respond.
I think all of mine have a patient portal, but the problem is they all use a different one with a different log in. I think I have 7 of them, but not longer use half of them. I don’t like the PCP one but have to use it to renew prescriptions. I like the oncologist’s the best and I have them do all my blood work because you can compare the last several appt.
My favorite was MyChart at a medical group I used to use. It had all test results, lab reports doctor’s note from appointments, messages to the doctor. Miss that one.
My mother and I go to the same medical practice and they use mychart. I have my PCP and specialists at the same practice, so they could see all my medical records.
I agree. You can always ask if she wants help with decision-making, advocacy, or anything else, but she has stated that she has a plan that she feels is adequate. I may be a focus group of one, but I would bristle even at DH if he did this for me.
This might be different if it involved a serious illness or complicated treatment options, all of which can be overwhelming.
I know I am a broken record….but your H and SIL are comfortable discussing their mother’s medical issues on a group chat but cannot pick up the phone to say “mom, I am going to accompany you to your next appointment to take notes. Bob’s hearing is not 100 percent and it is important for you to have an accurate record of what is going on. We can do a fun lunch afterwards, my treat!”
What am I missing? And what’s with all this groupiness for sensitive health talk?
The only thing I can say to this (and I do agree with you to a degree but I think maybe it should be MIL’s kids saying this) is that MIL seems quite private in her new life. It truly seems her level of coziness and transparency with the family is at a very basic level.
It’s also possible that she just doesn’t want any medical issue to pop her fairytale world she has chosen - to have a partner again and somewhat a new life. Checking a portal might deliver you news you don’t want to hear.
Fwiw, my mom is 92. She is of sound mind. She doesn’t want me involved in her health care. I offer to help her with all kinds of things - and she takes me up on those things - but health is off limits, at least for now.
This is just my opinion, so take it for that, but at a certain point in life, you are stuck with the decisions you made. The hip replacement that went wrong? Sorry, you’re too old to have a repair made to it. That rotator cuff that you chose not to have surgery on? Well, you probably should have but that ship has sailed because you are too old. A different doctor might have had you on dialysis, but you didn’t want that, and now, you have multiple life-ending situations related to kidney failure. Hindsight is 20/20, and it can be easier to face these consequences when they were totally your own.
This is always about quality of life, not avoiding death. Sometimes it’s the present vs the unknown future.
MIL has back pain. It is interfering with her quality of life. Regardless of how it came about, the priority is to address it now. Bob may not be the best advocate, but he’s the one she wants.
My dh is NOT on what I refer to as the group text. The group text is just mil, sil, and me. It originally came about during Covid and was a way to share our Wordle and eventually Quordle results each day. It also included chit chat about mundane things I mean, it was Covid.
I wouldn’t say there is, “sensitive,” health talk on the group text. Historically, there has been passing mention of medical, dental, hair, and nail appointments. Usually followed up later with, “How was your appointment?” “No cavities,” or, “All good!” Mil’s medical health has only come to the forefront recently because of her back issues. Sil has only gone with mil to one medical appointment ever for a one-off fainting spell a few years ago. None of us has ever been involved in her medical care. Arguably, it wasn’t necessary before, but perhaps it is now.
Sil now lives three hours away. Dh works full-time. Not that he wouldn’t take off if he needed to. I have offered to accompany her. She has declined. Bob goes with her to all her appointments. She goes with him to his. I can offer again, but she will say it isn’t necessary. I understand you disagree, but I don’t think I should force this issue.
@abasket has absolutely captured it. Mil keeps this new life of hers very private. She didn’t offer any of the history of her past bone density treatments. She answered questions that I asked. I only asked after she said she was going for a scan. Mil has what I would call, “bare minimum-itis.”
I sometimes think about the thread on parents who don’t have as close of a relationship with their adult kids as they would like. In this case it is the parent who has gone lower contact. It’s tense and uncomfortable. We are the ones who feel like we are walking on eggshells. Her whole level of openness has changed since Bob came into the picture. She offers very little information of her own volition.
I mentioned to dh last night that I bet his mother has spent more time with Bob’s son than she has with him since she moved here. (The boat is the connecting factor). He agreed. I asked him how he felt about that, and he said he doesn’t really care. He isn’t inclined to spend more time with her. (I told him I would be heartbroken if our ds felt that way about me). He has never been close to her. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her or wouldn’t do anything for her; he does, and he would. She calls him when she needs him. He meets whatever need she has.
People can be sensitive about medical issues. A few years ago, I offered to accompany H to medical visits. He declined. More recently (for past 2 years), he’s asked me to accompany him and take notes as his short term memory has gotten very bad. I’ve been going to all his visits and help convey medical info to his providers for him. It is extra work to keep track of my medical and his but I’m glad to do it. I did it for my folks as well, when they wanted my help.
@Hoggirl — you have kindly offered and MIL has declined. It’s her body & her health. She knows she could ask you or H when she feels she’d want that. I’d wait until she decides she wants any of you to help.
I think your last couple paragraphs are very frank and honest - and also your husband’s responses - you sometimes can’t make more of a decades long relationship than it is.
I’ll be curious to see if the hoped for trip is cancelled or if they adjust plans.
Just some thoughts regarding assisting elderly parents (and in laws) with respect to health and medical care.
I am a medical professional and work in the home health care setting. My patients are largely over the age of 80, some into their late 90s. (I’ve seen several patients over the age of 105!) As such I work closely with the patient of course, and also with their adult children who are around my age.
I see many instances where a patient and their family have differing goals, opinions and priorities related to the patient’s health needs. In my experience, it is because we see things from a lens that differs by about 20-30 years in age and experience.
As an example, I have a 96 year old lady with the usual mix of arthritis, hypertension, high cholesterol. Aches and pains everywhere and she really just would love to spend her days in her recliner. Daughters are adamant that she be regimented with her medications, her diet, her exercise. Because that is what we know as our experience as 60-70 year olds.
I’m not saying this pertains directly to MIL in this thread, but I encourage adult children with elderly parents to try and see things from their perspective. Sometimes they are declining treatments we think will help because they are tired of doctors, procedures and tests, side effects and being told what to do.
And sometimes they are just tired.
Unless a parent is making poor decisions due to cognitive issues, I personally would let them guide their care if they so desire.
Also keep in mind, most treatments have SOME side effects. The more conditions and more treatments, the greater risk of unpleasant side effects and/or reactions between treatments. Then one has to tease out which treatment is causing the unpleasant side effect and hope removing the treatment will remove the side effect (sometimes, sometimes the side effect stays).
The patient (of sound mind) gets to decide which conditions to treat and how much as well. H’s oncologist wanted H to be on testosterone suppression rx for 2 years. After 6 months, H said he was done We told the oncologist that H (at 83 years old) would NOT live another 40 years, whether he kept taking the rx or not was was tired of feeling awful from it. Reluctantly the oncologist said he understood.
My spouse was having side effects from another rx recently. He is taking several meds for various conditions. One (of more) was causing dizziness which he was very concerned about, since falling is very dangerous. He stopped taking the last rx he had started & fortunately the dizziness went away. Phew!