I will say as someone married to someone who is 84, sometimes they need a little help and sometimes they need a lot of help. I agree that MIL may be having a harder time keeping up with threads she used to have no problems with posting on. Phone calls or face-to-face visits with her children (her S or her D) can clarify a lot and not have folks sifting through scraps of info that could be incorrect. Time for her S and her D to step up.
5 Likes
Ds went over and had lunch with mil and Bob yesterday. He said she had significantly more energy than when he stopped by on Tuesday. After they ate, they gave him a tour of the CCRC. He asked how her back was after doing that walk. She is not pain-free, but said she was doing much better. She is not using the cane.
My dh called sil yesterday. The plan is for him to call his mother today and offer them a ride to the airport on Monday. I doubt they will accept. He is going to ask that they please check in with us when they make it to the ship and also ask about whether Bob has our phone numbers.
Sil did say that mil had answered her calls both on Sunday and Monday. I agree that we probably overwhelmed her with questions on the group text on Tuesday. We very well may need to shift to calling. One of the challenges with calling is that Bob is always with her. More than one friend of mil’s who has called or who has received a call reported that she has abruptly ended their phone conversations. “Gotta go! My honey is back.” Click.
I will talk to dh about being a bit more hands-on/involved with her. I would really prefer to spend my, “nagging dollars,” on other things. He was on a very long, very intense, out-of-state work trip this entire week. Something that only happens once a year. The timing was unfortunate. Sil can only, “step up,” so much since she is three hours away. I’d also like to point out that my being involved and dh being involved are not mutually exclusive.
Please remember that you cannot do much for people who don’t want your help. It took a LOT of convincing on our group text to get mil to accept my offer of picking up groceries for them last Sunday. She said they were going later. She was in NO shape to do that but was convinced she would have been, “fine.”
9 Likes
You are right - if someone doesn’t want help they can find ways to avoid getting/accepting it.
It’s wild to me that they would rather take a hired car to the airport than have her son take them! Goodness!
5 Likes
I think one of you needs to stop by and put your contact info in Bob’s phone. Don’t ask, just “We were in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by and wish you a good trip.” I would also help MIL input a list of current meds into her phone. I might also print a list, laminate it and stick it in her wallet. We did this with my parents.
Even the sharpest seniors are not what they once were. Physical and intellectual limitations are progressing, some weeks rapidly, some slowly, some not at all. It’s a rollercoater ride with aging parents, Bob or no Bob.
I’m glad MIL has you in her corner!
13 Likes
And if you don’t already have it…you need a copy of their itinerary, including air travel with flight numbers and the name of the airline.
10 Likes
Yes, that’s a good idea any time someone travels, regardless of their age.
3 Likes
I don’t know if this is good news or not, but we have a diagnosis: Gallstones.
Mil shared that information this morning. It seems she did see her PCP who reported those results. There was nothing in the hospital papers about that.
They are still taking their trip because, “Canada isn’t a Third World country.” So, she knows it’s a risk, and they are taking it. Her quote:
“Just thought y’all should know we’re going and I ought to start packing!!”
@abasket - mil says she, “feels like a somebody,” when they take the car service. Dh called and left her a message to call him back. I’ll update on airport transportation when I know.
Because I have had my gallbladder out, mil was chattier on the group, asking me questions. She had forgotten that I’d had mine removed.
I offered for ds to go over and help with tech support while she packed. Setting up a medical portal app, getting our phone numbers in Bob’s phone, etc. She had said her PCP could, “see,” things she could not. I assured her that was not true and we talked about a medical portal. It was in that context I offered ds to come over for tech support. She claims she can access her medical portal on her phone, but she hasn’t looked at anything from her hospital visit. She again stated she would get our phone numbers in Bob’s phone. I had thought she might be more amenable to ds helping her than if dh or I offered, but that was another, “No.”
4 Likes
Yikes on the gallstones! Is her PCP not worried about a blockage? Will send prayers than all goes smoothly and there is no crisis when they are traveling!
5 Likes
If the pain resolves on its own, even if temporary, I would be very very hesitant to entertain even a relatively easy surgery in an 87-year old. Even in someone as with it and strong as your MIL seems to be. Unless there is unremitting pain or real danger of blockage or whatever I just wouldn’t risk it. Sometimes changes in diet can buy some time which in an 87 year old is probably all you need.
5 Likes
I have no idea. I did tell her that a migrating stone was a risk.
As usual, we have no idea what her PCP told her. Mil’s interpretation was, “I have a stomach full of rocks.”
PCP did say it was a difficult surgery because of long (???) anesthesia time. So, perhaps she shared general surgical concerns with mil. I suppose, “long,” is relative based on one’s age.
1 Like
Even the laparoscopic surgery requires long anesthesia time?
1 Like
See? Thats what I thought??? Mine was laparoscopic. It wasn’t a long procedure. Granted I was 40 years younger than mil is now when I had mine out, and I know surgeries and anesthesia are tougher on elders.
1 Like
You know. I’m wondering if the hospital didn’t tell Bob that mil had gallstones and either he didn’t hear or didn’t remember…
4 Likes
I had my gall bladder out when I was 69 and the surgeon had to cut me open because it was overflowing with stones. Yes, MIL is old but my pain was unrelenting.
My dad had spinal fusion surgery a year after diagnosis because they didn’t want to operate on an 89-year-old. As far as I am concerned, it was a year of unrelenting pain, and unnecessary. He was in good shape physically and did very well post-op.
4 Likes
I wonder if MIL told the doc that she’s hopping on a cruise Monday…..
4 Likes
I’m pretty sure the PCP knows. She has been working with mil on her back issues so they can go on this cruise.
1 Like
My dad had his gall bladder removed in his 70’s laparoscopically. It was day surgery and really his recovery was very quick and mild.
My DD at age 21 had a horrible gallstone experience. She actually had gall stones in her bile ducts. She had two surgeons during her GB removal…and one dealt specifically with the stones in the ducts, and thank goodness was successful.
So…it’s not just older people who have more complicated issues.
Apparently I also have gall stones (detected when an MRI was done for a completely different reason), and when I asked the gastro doc about this, she said that as long as I wasn’t having any symptoms, current protocol is to do nothing. So…
So there you go. Three different scenerios.
Hopefully MIL will remain symptom free from the gall stones and be able to enjoy her trip.
How long is this trip?
3 Likes
12 night cruise. NY to Montreal
I’m guessing you/she already know this, but I’m pretty sure Medicare doesn’t cover out of US medical expenses. I’m also guessing they have a supplemental policy that will cover things out of US, but it may be worth asking.
7 Likes
Supposedly they do.
Dh finally talked to her. Everything related to her medical information is still very confusing to us. She claims she was not told gallstones at the hospital. That became known to her from the PCP at the CCRC. He asked if she were lucid at the hospital. She says yes. 
They are taking the car service to the airport. She promised she would get our phone numbers in Bob’s phone as soon as she hung up. Said the PCP said she was fine to go on this trip. She might have another, “flare.” With no ability to see what’s in her medical portal we just can’t know.
She promised him she’d text when they landed and when they got on the ship. She said she’d be in touch and send photos. Perhaps not every day, but she would be in touch.
We shall see what unfolds. She may be lying about everything
9 Likes