Oh, this absolutely was quoted by our ds!! We suggested maybe she should aim for being his 6th wife! 
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I suppose so. I am a big fan of reality discipline, but if she started spending extravagantly with traveling or buying a house together and burned through all her resources, I might have a hard time showing tough love to a 90 year old.
Mil has no experience with this as fil basically dropped dead unexpectedly. I don’t know if Bob does as I don’t know the cause of death for wife #3.
Have she and Bob seen each other recently in person or just talked on the phone?
Or are they on social media like Facebook to have seen pics of each other recently?
I mean, not to make it vain but your MIL sounds physically well for her age…is she attracted to him …or the idea of him…or him from decades ago? (And vice versa)
Sorry if I missed this info above.
I think it is special when people later in life can find a New Romantic interest. As long as there is no fraud, the relationship should be treated with respect and seriousness. I knew some people who ended their parent’s relationships because they didn’t want to be burdened to take care of the partner or afraid the partner would end up with parents assets.
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My aunt who was married to dad’s younger brother became a widow when he died. Not sure how old he was—60s or 70s. After he died, she had a long term relationship with another guy who loved fishing so she bought a boat, boat barn and hired a captain. After he died, she had two more consecutive BFs before dying in late 80s, still rich and happy. She had all her faculties until the end.
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@abasket - they have not seen each other recently. They text and talk on the phone.
They went to high school together and dated some, but I don’t think they were steadies/a couple. Mil’s high school boyfriend graduated a year before she did, and they didn’t exactly break up but agreed they could see other people when he went off to college. Bob was one of those other people. He was in mil’s same graduating class. I think they just went on a couple of dates. Mil helps with all the planning and scheduling of class reunions, fundraising for their alma mater, and general keeping up with their graduating class via email.
My mil is on social media, but he is not. At least not that I can find 
It’s like the senior citizen version of “As The World Turns” or “The Days Of Our Lives” soap operas, isn’t it?
Like…your MIL is basically having an affair with a married man. Ok, ok, maybe they haven’t actually been physical with each other yet, but they’re having an emotional affair for sure.
If it turns into marriage, your MIL would be wise to have a prenup. If she’s foolish like my dad is, she will refuse to do a prenup.
About 3 months after my mom died of cancer, my dad started dating one of her best friends…and that woman was still married at the time. He even tried to add the woman to his medical benefits at work as a “domestic partner.” His employer refused because she was still married. On the 1 yr anniversary of my mom’s death, they got married. That was almost 15 yr ago. His wife is like the character Wormtongue from the Lord of the Rings books & movies…sneaky, deceptive, manipulative, always twisting words around in negative ways.
Shortly after they started dating, my dad claimed to friends of his that my sister & I having medical power of attorney was not going to work for him anymore because he thought we would “pull the plug too early.” So we have no idea what his estate documentation says. I’m assuming that he’s leaving it all to her.
He’s now 79 and has been grumpy, miserable, and mad for the entire time he’s been married to her.
Mutual friends of the wife & my mom ended their friendship with my dad’s wife/my mom’s friend over this because the mutual friends thought that Replacement Wife was taking advantage of him.
Oh…and in that first 1.5 yr after my mom died, my dad shipped to me and my sister literally all of our family’s mementos, even photos I’d given my mom and dad of my children.
He’s been a real peach (that’s sarcasm). What I don’t understand is why can’t seniors just stick with dating each other? Why do you have to go and get married?! Just go out to lunch or dinner sometimes and have your fun adult extracurricular activities with each other and don’t bother doing the whole marriage thing…especially if like your MIL, you’re 86 years old, for pete’s sake!
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If the married boyfriend lives 2+ hours away and married boyfriend doesn’t drive AND if your MIL doesn’t drive, easiest way to limit in person contact is to refuse to be her chauffeur for any get togethers with the boyfriend.
If either of them want to meet up in person badly enough, they can find another way to make it happen. In the meantime, they can Facetime each other if they want to see each other (assuming they know how to actually do that).
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@sbinaz - she has not asked anyone to drive her. No one has offered. He lives in the town dh and I live in. Mil lives in the town sil lives in. She just acknowledged it was going to be a, “problem.”
I agree. It is an emotional affair.
I think people get married at that age because of appearances. Old-fashioned. We also happen to live in the buckle of the Bible Belt.
I’m really sorry about the situation with your dad. 
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This sounds like a relationship they are trying to pick up after 50+ years. They might not even recognize the other in person!
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If I told my kids that I wanted to date my HS sweetheart they would know that I’d lost my mind. lol We’re no longer compatible, judging by his FB presence.
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I haven’t read the entire thread. However, my father-in-law got married last year at age 98 and they are very happy. They lived together before tying the knot. My MIL passed away 9 years ago.
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My HS BF reached out a few decades ago. I asked H how to handle & what to do and he said just tell him you’re very happy with a great spouse and two amazing kids and he’ll disappear. H was right! The old BF sounded sad and wistful—had several divorces and I think was single again.
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I want to know what happens next!
It’s not unusual for older “new couples” to be folks who knew each other when they were younger. It’s reassuring to be with someone who has a sense of who you were when your life was bigger. There are a number of such couples in my mom’s senior community.
At a time in life when it can feel like there’s less to be happy about, this is pretty exciting. The sentiment of “we don’t have a lot of time” is common and real. They are talking about spending time together, companionship, and probably caring for each other in sickness/decline. They aren’t contemplating having children, how they’ll manage dual careers, how they’ll build a life together. So yeah, why dilly dally?
I’m happy for her. Yes to keeping an eye on things and making sure the excitement isn’t blinding her to some kind of scam/abuse, and yes to a pre-nup if they make it legal. But it sounds like she’s a sensible woman who wants to be happy. And why not?!
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One of the old secretaries from our law firm had her H die of cancer. About the same time, an old friend whom she and her H used to vacation with had his wife die as well. They got together and got married and appear to be very happy together.
A woman I knew because she hosted me when I was in KY as a teen had her H die in his 60s or 70s. She connected with a guy she knew from church and they got married. They were very happy together from her account. Eventually, he died and she was a widow again. His family was upset (I didn’t know details believe he may have left her whatever assets he had). She later got rather severe dementia and died without remembering that she had ever lived in KY or anything about me, though she had visited me in HI twice and also had been sending me annual birthday cards for decades. I called her shortly before she died and she said I have no idea who you are and I never lived in KY.
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This may work out to be wonderful companionship. Given the distance between them I don’t think you have to jump to any worries and can let it play out a bit.
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My Mil moved to Florida in her 60’s after her 2nd husband died. Both marriages were relatively unsatisfactory. She started acting like a teenager dating men, especially the one that eventually became her 3rd husband ( we called him Tres). It was simply cringy how she behaved. Got married in a white strapless ballgown. She’d known him a year. None of us flew down there.
A year later he got multiple myeloma and had to be hospitalized. It was draining her finances and she divorced him because of that and it wasn’t easy doing that either. She took care of him and he died 18 months after they were married. She was 66.
Got back in the game and started flirting and looking again. Met a 69 year old who we really liked (we call him Quad). Dated several years and wouldn’t let DH do a pre-nup when they decided to get married. After what happened with Tres, and all the money she lost (she’s not wealthy by any means), we’re shocked she’d even entertain getting married again. We had to watch all the teenager behavior yet again, which is nauseating. She told me before they were married how much he wanted to get married. I said, sure he does. All they want is a nurse or a purse, what’s wrong with just living together?
Now, she’s just about 84 and has been a nurse for 5 years. (She took care of husband 2 for years, plus her dementia mother lived with her for years.) Now, she’s bitter, she’s angry, she won’t put him in a facility yet. (Boy, do I keep thinking that I told her so).
In your situation, I don’t see this leading anywhere due to distance, and their ages. Let it play out, but have your hubbie keep a close watch on her money. Be a sounding board, but she’ll sense the moment you try to dissuade her or sound negative in anyway. As long as she feels you aren’t against it, she’ll confide in you. My gut feeling is this man is up to something.
I think if she has all her faculties, she’ll see a red flag if he starts using her for her money. But just knowing he’s been married 4 times and still married is concerning in that it doesn’t seem to bother her.
I don’t agree with “it’s her money she can do what she wants”. Yes, that is true to some extent….but not if she gets involved with with some old fart who is taking advantage of her.
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My father made some questionable decisions in “new love” a couple of times, but is now married to a nice woman. (My mother died many years ago.) It was supremely uncomfortable to have to ask him to be more appropriate, the way you might with a teenager (but that none of my actual teenagers required). The giggly texting and inappropriate innuendos OMG TMI.
I agree that the potential for a scam per se is low, since they were high school friends. The possibility for financial/romantic/health entanglement, or just annoying nonsense, is very high. OTOH, I agree that since she’s a grown-up in sound mind, there’s not much to “do”.
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I think it’s okay to say to SiL and DH – obviously you want to protect her, but until he is actually divorced or there’s an attempt on his part to scam her, this may be exactly what it seems like – a renewal of an old friendship in their elder years. Good to all be on the same page, good to acknowledge posessiveness and protective instincts.
We had an elderly pair of friends, a widow and widower of many years, who became companions in the last maybe 3 years of their lives. Never married, but really enjoyed each other’s company in a way that was absolutely good for them. They were a couple.
Her family totally embraced him as a new member and I think it lengthened his life. His family refused to include her as family and when he died of cancer, specifically told her daughter to not bring her to the funeral as it was offensive and inappropriate. It was heartbreaking to see her grieve and receive such heartless treatment from his kids.
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