I think this is one of the most entertaining threads I’ve ever read! You are a very good “story teller”, and I enjoy everything you write. I can’t wait until the next installment.
I think when Bob says “we can make that work”, it would be like nails on a chalkboard. If he was an easy going guy that everyone liked, that statement would have been seen as perhaps something he just says all the time without thinking.
But with his personality, you can already see he wants to control her and the situation.
I hope your DH can get thru to her as far as her finances. If Bob thinks he won’t be able to control that, or it’s safe, or there is a prenup, I wonder how interested he would be.
It is just the pastor’s mom who knows Bob. She and her dh live in his CCRC. Our pastor is female, btw. I have not heard from her and don’t expect to. I’m sure she doesn’t want to get involved. I don’t blame her. I don’t think she knows Bob well - mostly just knows, “of,” him. There are 400 people in the CCRC.
My dh drove mil home today. He is doing a crazy, nighttime ultra run in her area tonight, so I didn’t want to bug him. He will spend the night there after his race. Dh, sil, and mil are gathering at mil’s house around 10:00 - 10:30 tomorrow morning for brunch.
I hope mil will be forthcoming about what she is thinking. I hope sil will not blow up. And, I hope dh survives. I’m glad I’m not there. I’ll say it again: mil is in my circus, but she is not my monkey.
So now I’m thinking maybe it’s pastor’s father who should be cultivated for the low down. I presume more women than men in the facility so perhaps the guys have their own gossip circle. Time for DH to chat with him man to man, so to speak.
My suspicion is the pastor’s mom would spill the tea, and her husband is telling her not to
I do not think they know him well. All she (the pastor’s mom) had told me was that Bob was aloof. He is seemingly not very involved in the CCRC activities. My pastor’s parents are very involved. They offer foreign and domestic travel opportunities (not included in the monthly fees! - ha ha but coordinated by the CCRC) , and they do all of them.
Edit: I have looked at the CCRC’s FB page, and he is only in one photo. Where he was giving a lecture.
Depending on how conversations with her yesterday and today go, it may help to reach out to pastor’s mother again and say something like “I am not asking for gossip, but should we be worried?”
You all should probably expect to see less and less of her the more time she spends with him. If your FIL was a fairly controlling person, it looks like Bob might have similar issues.
If she doesn’t want to go along with his plans, she needs to be assertive and tell him no. But sometimes, that’s really hard for baby boomer era women to do at times.
If they opt to get married, Bob will try really hard to prevent her from having an opportunity to talk with his 2 ex-wives who live in that same facility. So this is going to mean probably a lot of social isolation because he won’t want to run the risk of them striking up a conversation on accident in the dining room/hall, for example.
I don’t want to shift the topic to myself, but I believe a few years ago I mentioned that I was dating someone I had known from my youth. He would love to move in with me. My family members are vocal about their disapproval. MY cousin points to her girlfriend who is taking care of her 90 year-old husband. It’s one thing to live your life with someone and then take care of them, but it’s another to meet as we’re older and feel like we have that burden. My friend does not have a long-term care plan. Having aides can cost $100,000 a year, so I’ve been told. My girlfriend, a lawyer, warns me that if I let him move in, I would not be able to have him move out no matter what she writes in a legal agreement.
Anyway, I’m just adding some thoughts to this discussion. I would be very concerned about MIL, as she is moving rapidly. At least don’t let her sell her house so she has a fallback plan . People have made so many good points, e.g., she probably won’t be welcomed by other residents.
Still, she will learn a lot about him on a cruise, sharing a small room. I hope she gets annoyed if she can only do his choice activities, not hers. (Im thinking of no time to shop with you.)
Anyone else from the hs reunion class? I’d think some of them (not that there are that many left!) might have an opinion about Bob as they’ve known him for 70 years and may have lived in the same town for many of those years, met a wife or 2, and either really like him or…not.
I think I mentioned above that my friend’s mother was married 6 times, and the last one lasted 40 years or more (until they died). Her first was with my friend’s father (military) and only lasted about 3 years (2 kids), then a series of total failures, then the last one. How she met him I have no idea as she lived in Colorado and he was in Amana Iowa, in the Seven Villages community. Talk about a change in lifestyle.
i don’t think Bob and MIL have 40 years left, but I hope they find what they are looking for.
My dh sent this to sil and me at 9:45 this morning:
Intel from ride yesterday. Mom really likes [CCRC]. [$_______] buy-in. She can live with Bob and not be married. When I mentioned she may not be accepted by certain people there, she acknowledged she wouldn’t be invited to play bridge with certain people. Bob was social when married to #3 because she liked to do things and be with people so he did things she wanted and promised to do and try things with Mom. She acknowledges leaving [her town] and friends would be very hard. I reminded her while she has known Bob since high school, she has really only known him the past few months (she agrees with that.). She mentioned continuing the back and forth for some period of time.
Obviously, some redactions and name changes for privacy.
He also texted at 10:00 am that the conversation was going well so far.
It is now 11:00. Haven’t heard anything else since. No, I don’t know her monthly fees, what discussion is being had about her house, etc.
I will update when I know more.
Unrelated update: my dh completed his ultra run (50k)!
I’m sure dh will nap when he gets home, so I hope he will call me with more info on the drive back.
The problem is I don’t trust Bob when he says he will be social. Who knows if he was social with #3 or not?? He may be saying what mil wants to hear. I don’t think 85-year olds change much, and my intel tells me he isn’t very social at all.
Yes. One set of high school sweethearts who are married and both still living. My understanding is mil has not shared this with them. Which I find concerning.
