They returned from London after the crossing on Monday evening. Couldn’t get in to see doc until Wednesday. I know they went to the Bistro AT the CCRC ON Tuesday for breakfast and had lunch in the dining hall that day as well.
After he saw the doc and tested negative for flu and Covid on Wednesday morning, I took the risk and picked up mil and took her out to lunch. She has had zero symptoms. I knew the doc’s office at the CCRC would have swabbed him correctly (something I worry about with elders and home testing). He picked up lunch to-go on Wednesday from the CCRC Bistro while she and I were out to lunch. They went out to lunch at a restaurant on Thursday and brought home enough leftovers for dinner. Drove with his son to drop mil at the halfway point between the two towns. Then has not sleep Friday night and went to the hospital Saturday morning. Pneumonia. Sent home with antibiotics. Can’t speak to his dining since then. There are fewer hours/options at the CCRC on weekends for those in the independent living section where he is.
So, yes - he and mil were out and about at the CCRC and then to a restaurant in town for lunch.
Hope that was clarifying. Very irresponsible for him to have been out in the CCRC and community at large. Even before he was tested (all day Tuesday).
Way back when my youngest was in kindergarten, I got pneumonia. Went to urgent care right away, got prescribed antibiotics, started taking them immediately. 2 days later, my temp was 105, had racing heartbeat, was out of breath a lot, could barely talk without coughing. Went to ER. Got admitted right away. Guess what? Urgent care provider prescribed the wrong antibiotic for pneumonia and between Sat ~ 12:00 pm and the following Mon evening, the pneumonia went from one small part of the bottom of one lung to almost totally filling both lungs.
I was in the hospital for 5 days. Out of work for 3 weeks on supplemental O2. It knocked me on my butt.
For an 80+ yr old? He must feel like doo doo right now. The hardest part is how exhausted you are, but because of the coughing, you can’t sleep. It’s miserable. And once your fever has broken, you still have to keep coughing in order to get all of the lung crud out.
He probably should have considered wearing a mask when out and about but something tells me that this idea probably would have been turned down. Some people also tend to be the sort who sound like they’re on death’s door in terms of illness, but they insist that they’re “just fine” and “it’s just a cold.” The sort of individual who would, for an extreme example, almost lose an arm in a woodworking accident and they’d say, “oh it’s just a scratch. I’ll just put a band aid on it and it’ll be fine.”
You get the idea. My very own spouse is 1 of such people. I swear, on his tombstone it’ll end up reading something like, “I told you I was fine.”
When I had that bad bout of pneumonia, the Dr I saw for my follow up care explained to me that most people in their own mouths carry around ALL THE TIME the bacteria that causes pneumonia and for random reasons, it’ll settle into a person’s lungs. So when I had it, neither my kids or my husband contracted it. It was just me.
The odds of your MIL coming down with pneumonia are probably pretty low even despite being in close quarters with him.
I was recently the caregiver for my mom (in her 90s) while she had pneumonia. It took a while to diagnose and treat, and i was SURE that I was going to end up with whatever she had. The coughing, tissues, plates and cups… Eek! I did not get ill, but as we weren’t sure what was going on, she (responsibly) avoided contact with pretty much everyone but me.
DH is always careless with his germs, and it maddens me. It feels equivalent to throwing sharp knives into a sinkful of soapy water - It doesn’t guarantee an injury but it definitely increases the odds.
Mil, sil, Friend L, and Friend C are all going out to lunch tomorrow. Maybe something will come out of that?? Or maybe on Sunday when they gather for a cookout. Though, I think no one is asking much.
Mil and Friend L had dinner together on Monday evening. Only info from that was that Bob didn’t like the long dress that mil wore on one of the formal nights. “Too baggy.” Prompted him to inform her that all of her clothes were too baggy and that she should wear clothing that was more, “form-fitting.” I asked Friend L how mil seemed when telling her about this, and Friend L said she just laughed.
Fil constantly criticized mil about her weight. I think Bob is not far from doing the same.
Who upthread mentioned something about neural pathways?? I need to read up on that.
That was me. It’s a fancy way of saying habit or pattern, essentially. Means that we tend to pick the familiar path, the path of least resistance, even if it’s a bad choice – constantly picking the wrong partner, turning to food or alcohol for comfort, lashing out as an avoidance mechanism. Pick your poison.
In this instance, your MIL lived for many years with a domineering husband so domineering Bob feels natural to her. She’s spent her whole life navigating her dh and has learned how to keep the peace, so Bob is something she thinks she can manage as well. I’m hoping that her time alone, since her dh died, has shown her that she doesn’t need a man dominating her.
Youdon’t say is being modest…. seems to have picked up on a subtlety here.
It’s not just that the path is familiar- it’s that all the “reward systems” are geared towards navigating the late husband. MIL makes a dinner that he doesn’t criticize- hey a dopamine rush. She buys a dress which he doesn’t like so she doesn’t wear it again, she mentally applauds herself for avoiding confrontation. Essentially our brains are wired based on long standing behaviors which is why change is so difficult. (Ever ask yourself why it’s so hard to lose weight even though you already know to eat salads not ice cream and to exercise, not flop in front of the TV at night? We KNOW how to lose weight- but our brains our wired to want ice cream not mesclun if we have a sweet tooth…)
Wow—not getting even one Tea AND having attire constantly criticized as “too baggy”? Wow! Sad that MIL can just laugh at that. I hope this time with her friends helps her realize how important friends are to her, as it doesn’t sound like Bob wants friends.
Your MIL put thought, $$$ and effort into her wardrobe. I’d have been highly offended!
Re the wardrobe that would be a red flag for me. My mother died almost 10 years ago, and my father has had two serious relationships since then (a gf for a few years and now his 2nd wife). Although my father can have his personality challenges, one thing I have never seen is any criticism of either of these women’s clothes choices (though both have been startlingly different from my mother and from one another).
Could be taken as a compliment. Maybe she does buy “baggy” clothes because FIL criticized her weight and Bob thinks she looks great and doesn’t need to hide.
The clothing thing really bothers me, too. My dad was always on my mom for her weight, although I have photos in which he was just as heavy or heavier than she was. About a year ago, he asked me when I was going to start working on losing weight again. I think I just stayed silent. If he ever does it again, I’m going to speak up. Not. Acceptable. And now that I’ve lost a lot of weight, do you think he will comment on it in October? Nope.
Even DH used to comment occasionally on my weight, until DD let him know in no uncertain terms he shouldn’t do that, and he stopped. I feel for your MIL, but as others have said, I guess that’s what she’s used to.
I think it depends a lot on the tone. He could have been trying to give her a compliment.. “You have a rocking body! You should show it off!” It doesn’t necessarily mean “I want you to ONLY wear tight fitting clothes that I like.” But since we all don’t like Bob (me included), we tend to not give him the benefit of the doubt…
I could see if she made a self-deprecating comment about her weight or how she looked in the dress, that it could have been an awkward attempt at reassurance by him?? I kind of doubt that in this situation, but remember I heard this from Friend L, not directly. So, idk.
Edit: I do not think he said anything about her weight. I don’t know what, if anything, prompted the, “baggy,” comment. Could have been completely and rudely offered by him.
She bought this dress, then returned it, and then went and bought it back again. Mil is not a fan of dresses at all. The shopping for this trip was a struggle for her. The other formal night, she wore pants.
You get the idea. My very own spouse is 1 of such people. I swear, on his tombstone it’ll end up reading something like, “I told you I was fine.”
I asked Friend L how mil seemed when telling her about this, and Friend L said she just laughed.