Me too. I was going to go on a Road scholars tour with a friend I’ve known since we were 4. Our families were entwined. I was clear from the beginning that I would not go unless I had a private room. on the very last day where we had to submit all the money, there was nothing available, so I backed out. I lost less than $1000. I shared with my friends that during that week this friend start telling me that I should not wear my fancy Florida clothes. I should be as plain as possible to fit in.I was so happy to lose that money rather than risk going on a trip to Europe in his company. Honestly, I’ve been dressing myself for 50 years; I think I know how to pack light and systematically. He clearly was a control person.
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Same as all the advice about “how to avoid looking like a tourist” on the internet for the past 15 years.
My cousin used to criticize his date’s clothing and choices. I was glad she moved on and found a BF that was supportive and not critical. Cousin would even tell her to go and change her clothing (though she always dressed tastefully). I found him to be a control freak.
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It probably wasn’t even about the clothes – just about control. Who knows where it would have gone if she had stayed with him.
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She looks amazing in that dress!
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I’m not surprised my controlling cousin ended up a lonely old bachelor. He even criticized my moving out from the family home after graduating law school and not remaining under my family’s roof until I married (by that time, I had been away at college 3 years and away at law school 3 years). It was none of his business and I was very happy to be living on my own! I was shocked that he felt he had any business voicing an opinion about my life!
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Bob himself doesn’t look like a contender for “hottest bachelor” or even golden bachelor.
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IF MIL is talking about marriage by “end of year,” that’s only a few months from now. The calendar is winding down for 2025. She’s not giving herself much time. I hope she slows down so she can really understand what she’s giving up and getting herself into.
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I realize this may not be a popular opinion, and I’m not saying I think it’s a good idea, but MIL might be happier having “someone” pay attention to her, do some things with her, etc., and is willing to tolerate a lot not to also have that companionship. I have an acquaintance in real life whose husband seems to be verbally abusive to her, mostly when nobody is around. She is mid-70s, he is late 70s. She knows she “shouldn’t” tolerate his antics, but he is also kind to her in some ways, they travel well together, he takes care some things, etc. She has made the decision to tolerate his negative attributes, at least for now, and I respect her decision. When MIL weighs their relationship, it may look similar.
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I think you are completely correct in your assessment.
I person am amazed sometimes what friends of mine put up with. Sometimes women who found a partner when they were older and sometimes not.
I’ve definitely heard with friends of mine that their husbands talk to them in a way mine never would.
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All this talk of clothes comments reminds me of something that happened in 1989 that I had pushed WAY back in the memory stacks. I was on a first date with a guy and I mentioned something about wearing jeans (I was wearing a skirt at the time); he said, “you don’t only wear skirts? Because I wear the pants in a relationship” - I wish I had turned around then; I stayed on the date and he mock-threatened me with a pizza cutter at my neck in a Crate & Barrel. We were on the way home and I went directly to a friend’s dorm room instead until he left and I never returned another call from him.
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I honestly never understood why mil put up with fil. He was sooooo disrespectful and demeaning to her.
I wound up staying with them for a couple of months when dh was transitioning to a job in another town. It was very generous of them to offer that to me/us as it definitely saved us some money. Mil also fixed dinner for me (us) each night. One evening at dinner, fil reached over and took his middle finger and thumb and, “thumped,” mil on her stomach. “Hey, (mil’s name)! When is that watermelon going to be ripe?” In front of me. At the dinner table. You know, the one where he is eating the meal she prepared after which he won’t carry his own plate over to the dishwasher. Fil harped on her about her weight all the time.
But, it’s true we don’t truly know what goes on in another couple’s marriage.
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Omg! Now we can add to the list of Bob’s negatives that he is triggering disturbing memories. What a story!
Really, Bob sounds like a jerk to me. I’m imagining that he has some charm sometimes irl or he wouldn’t keep attracting wives.
I can imagine the dress comment having been a complaint about the “shapeless dress” intertwined with a “you have a great figure” compliment. Some people sift through those mixed messages pretty well, maybe even with emotional detachment. It probably also matters how he makes MIL feel overall. If she feels attractive with/to him, a comment like that becomes laughable. If he’s constantly digging at her, it’s another wound.
Oh, and having cross-posted, MIL is either detached from these insults (healthy) or she is trained that she has to put up with them to get love (not so much).
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My experience with the octogenarians in my family circle is that they are much more focused on physical appearance and apt to make comments than those of us in younger generations. My D calls out her grandparents constantly about it. They always seem shocked that people would find that offensive. Bob and MIL may just think those kind of comments are OK and “normal” part of conversation.
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Oh, my gosh. This is SO true. I really started noticing this when mil would visit us in Florida. Probably because we were out and about more. It was a a stream of what I called, “observational negativity.” What people were wearing, what people weighed, hairstyles. Heck! She’d criticize the local news anchors on TV, too!
Last TG my son was definitely in need of a haircut, but I had said absolutely nothing. Mil walked in and said to him, “Your hair makes you look like a cartoon character.” He just said, “(Grandma name), that hurts my feelings.”
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I generally agree entirely! However we often describe our own hair as being like a cartoon character in my family 
… as a good thing
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I remember you saying this!!
I forget - why is “end of the year” a deadline of sorts? Has Bob initiated this deadline?
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We can only speculate, but we think it has to do with, “appearances.” Bob’s most recent divorce was only finalized June 5th. If she decides to marry Bob, we think she’s delaying that so she won’t appear to be so hasty in her decision-making process.
Honestly, there is some sentiment that she has already made up her mind. After their lunch yesterday, mil, sil, and the two friends went shopping. Mil saw a bowl she liked but told Friend C she wasn’t buying anything because she might be moving to the CCRC.
We are going to visit mil next weekend. We do know Bob is coming down for a visit sometime after that because mil canceled a planned lunch out with the same lunch bunch as yesterday. Why can’t he stay at her house for a couple of hours while she’s goes out with sil and their friends? THIS is the sort of thing that worries us.
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I don’t think Bob needs to have any charm at all. There are a lot more women over 80 than men and a lot of the women in that generation need/want a man around. Frankly, all the guy needs is a pulse.
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@Hoggirl Could you say something like, “I hope you don’t give up your longterm friendships for Bob.” ??
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