Could end of the year have anything to do with tax filings? From what you’ve said, seem unlikely but maybe?
And yes on this generation commenting on looks. Watching TV with my mom is a fashion/beauty show narrated, generally quite critically.
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Whatever MIL decides, I hope she will be happy with her future and not have too many regrets. It is good that at the moment she has options and people who are supportive of her and friendships. I hope she can keep those.
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That is truly horrible. But I guess it shows how Bob might look like a winner in comparison.
I had another thought about the clothes comment. He may be wanting her to snazzy up and show her body so the ex-wives can see the type of woman he’s managed to anttract after they dumped him.
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What is like to know is if it was more acceptable to make comments about weight and looks?
Are we more aware of politeness and that it’s not right to make these statements?
Because I really don’t want to turn into my mil where I seemingly say whatever pops into my mind?
She says she tells it like it is. I think it’s rude. I certainly don’t care for the comments about someone’s race. Or sexuality. Or weight. You get my point.
I don’t actually care what race your neighbor is that you continue to identify.
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Some people who have taken care of someone with dementia note that the verbal filters are the first to go. There are plenty of elderly people who are courteous, do not say offensive things about other people and understand the difference between thinking “hey, she’s put on weight” and actually commenting….
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I think it was more acceptable, but once you know better you do better.
I was just telling dh yesterday about something my mother said about me when I was a child to another mother in the dressing room of a store. Her need to point out that I was overweight, which was obvious, was more about my mother’s insecurity and what my weight might have said about her mothering skills. I think the same is true of Bob. He is afraid MIL looks dowdy and is afraid that that reflects on him.
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If so, SELFISH.
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Then there is an easy solution to Bobs discomfort…find someone “ not dowdy” to marry.
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Ewww
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I agree as well. It’s not like she’s 40, 50, 60, 70 or 80 with a long lifetime ahead.
With caveats about control of her money and an unacceptable amount of abuse of any kind, maybe MIL figures she might as well go for it–last chance.
Re abuse: some people consider some behavior as abusive whereas some consider the same behavior as unpleasant quirks. And they didn’t grow up during the generations that we did. Our lived experiences during our lives moved the line about what behavior we consider to be abusive.
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It’s always trade offs. I hope she can keep her finances, friends and relationships no matter what her future holds.
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I meant to respond to this.
When she and I had lunch I pointed out that she was the one who would be making all the sacrifices if she moved. I enumerated all that she would be giving up and certainly listed friends.
We are all just kind of baffled.
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Her friends (and Bob) aren’t going to be around forever. Maybe she is thinking that enjoying life with Bob for a while would be fine. (He wouldn’t be my cup of tea…but..)
My MIL lives in a CCRC. She is 92 and really, she is the last of her age group who is still living (and she has her issues).
I’m not as old as your MIL, but I’ve also lost more friends in the last few years than prior. Could this be part of her thinking?
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She has lost several friends who are her age, but she is fortunate that she has some younger friends as well. 10-15 years younger than she. I probably need to make some of those.
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This reminds me of the Becoming Your Parents commercials (which my 80-something parents hate, even though we have explained to them that they’re very tongue-in-cheek and that we see ourselves in them, too!)
The “not becoming your parents” coach takes a group to the hardware store, and as a guy walks by with blue hair he encourages them not to blurt out a comment about his appearance by calmly repeating to the men standing next to him: We all see it….we all see it…
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I adore those commercials, and sometimes tell dh “Dr. Rick would have someting to say about that” when he does something wacky.
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I think for a woman it was, because a woman’s weight and appearance was “important” for her social standing, and that was part of getting and keeping a husband.
So for some people, making comments about another girl or woman’s weight were made in the same way as one would comment about the various qualities of barnyard animals and what they were being raised for.
When my grandmothers (born in 1910 and 1912) would comment about my weight, it was bizarrely not critical, but rather extremely matter of fact. It still landed VERY badly though on me as a teenager, and really gave me a complex about my weight at the time.
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I think it’s wrong to make any weight comments to a dating partner, especially when snarky.
The comments have me thinking though. I almost always hold my tongue about husband’s weight gain, loss of flexibility etc. But once in a great while I do remind him that yea, maybe those extra pounds contribute to his back issues. And… sedentary lifestyle is not so healthy. However I do agree degrading appearance-comments are unacceptable, even for old married couples.
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Uh oh - does that mean I’m in trouble for telling my husband he may wear his old logo-wear shirt (with the logo falling off the shirt) and shorts that really don’t match out to eat out with someone, but that someone won’t be me? Actually, my husband usually appreciates me when I give him a clue that maybe he “shouldn’t go out like that.”
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You know I’m sure we’ve said it here on this thread many times before, but one more time….
This is all easily solved if MIL just “enjoys the ride” and doesn’t make any quick decisions or actions like selling her house. Date him! Cruise with him! Spend time at his place! At your place! FaceTime for company every night! A piece of paper (marriage license) or a piece of paper (signing up for the CCRC or selling her home) doesn’t have to define the relationship.
Sure you are in your 80’s and don’t know how many days, months, years you have to have a partner. HAVE the partner. Without the formal obligation. Make “girlfriend/boyfriend” sexy terms again!!! 
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