I agree, with the caveat that if for any reason they prefer to formalize it with marriage, as long as there’s a strong enforceable prenup, what difference does it make? They get married, they can get divorced. Bob proves that!
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While she’d be giving up her current community, friends, house, etc., I can understand the lure of her wanting a partnership. Hopefully, if she moves in with Bob, this is a good one.
I agree with whoever said that compared to her deceased husband, Bob may not seem too bad to her and she is willing to compromise his faults for companionship, possibly marriage.
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If she sells the house, she could buy another one, or a condo, or rent something. As long as the money is available, she has many options and nothing is absolute.
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Which she AFAIK can’t do unless she marries Bob. I think he’s ticking all the boxes. He’s her “in” to the CCRC she wants to be at. He’s decent company. He’s old so she can outlive him. And if it doesn’t work out she can divorce HIM. It works both ways.
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I did that several years back. I was in a group where I was the youngest and although I loved them and had some great friends I actively searched for a younger club to join. I simply didn’t want all my friends dying before me. It was a good call (and some of my friends encouraged me to look for younger people).
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She has never previously expressed an interest in being in a CCRC. She went and looked at them in HER town. Rejected the idea. This one is three hours away from where she currently lives.
She is certainly entitled to change her mind, but it’s not like she has been gunning to move to a CCRC. She definitely hasn’t been gunning to move three hours away from her current home.
@abasket - I agree. Just date and travel together. The challenge is the fact that they live three hours apart. And I don’t think that arrangement is, “enough,” for Bob.
She can buy another house if she sells hers, marries and moves, and then divorces him. But, that comes at a financial price and a lot of physical work.
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@Hoggirl do you think the CCRC is a draw for MIL? Did she express wanting to do anything like this before Bob came in the picture?
Also some here are treating divorce like it’s no big deal. How would MIL see the idea of divorcing someone? Sure it can be done. But for some, this is not ok.
edited: you read my mind @Hoggirl about the CCRC!
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lol. Crossing posts. I just addressed the CCRC thoughts in my post above yours.
Anything changed? Are you SURE MIL just doesn’t want to live there? It’s close to you and seems like the perfect spot for her.
I think people are reacting to this …
“He’s her ‘in’ to the CCRC she wants to be at.”
She didn’t want to be at this place until he showed up. So he’s not her “in” there; he’s the reason she is considering it.
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She didn’t realize it was there or even possible to get into before he showed up. Now it’s on the radar. And he is the path to get in.
Sorry. Maybe I should bow out of this discussion. I wish the VERY best for all parties involved. But if you are widowed at 80 years old you will be looking to see what your next step will be. That will not be taking care of a house by yourself 3 hours away from your closest relative (son). Especially if you wish to remain independent. It will be looking at great alternatives that you can afford if you can get into them. And when it lands in your lap you take more than one look.
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I love those ads. I hadn’t seen that one!
@Hoggirl how are you feeling?
I must say that this entire situation feels exhausting to me.
It feels so random and overwhelming. And it’s not my family.
Bob sounds exhausting. And needy which I don’t find attractive. But then I wouldn’t throw away my stable situation for some man I’ve spent a few weeks with. But I’m not single so I can’t relate.
It must be difficult because this has upended your family.
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This. She never expressed any interest in moving away from her and sil’s town to our town until Bob entered the picture.
@gouf78 - she was certainly aware if its existence. This CCRC been around for 30 years or so. She has previously looked at CCRC’s in her town. Didn’t have an interest. Sil (her daughter, dh’s sister) lives in her town. She has NEVER expressed an interest in moving away from her town at all. Never expressed an interest in moving to a CCRC at all, let alone one that is three hours away. Even if we are here.
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How long has she been a widow? It makes a difference. There’s a big period of being vulnerable because of loneliness no matter what the relationship was like.
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Oh, my goodness! It IS exhausting. It feels like some weird/awful new hobby.
I have communicated more with sil in the last three months than I have in our 36 years of marriage. She is SO distraught. I fear irreparable fracture in our family if mil moves in with and/or marries Bob. Which is very sad for me. I have virtually no family of my own. Sil and I each have only children. Neither of them are married. Our holiday gatherings are pretty small as it is. With sil already declaring (to ME - don’t think she’s said this to mil) that Bob will not be welcome in her home for holidays, this just doesn’t bode well at all. 
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Seven years
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Seven years is a long time to find life may need a new direction and change your mind.
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Oh, gosh. I didn’t know that your SIL felt THAT strongly about it. I’m glad that you are being more reasonable. I hate for your SIL’s attitude drive MIL further into Bob’s arms. But I’m sure your SIL also is smarting from the fact that she moved there instead of nearer to her ds in part to take care of her mother and now her mother is considering leaving, hastily IMO.
It’s a lot, for sure. Big (((hugs))). How is your dh doing with it all?
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