She has a daughter in or close to the town she currently lives in.
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Thanks.
Well, dh is a dude, so there is that. Lol.
He is of the mindset that nothing has happened yet. He is also of the mindset that mil has her own agency, and that it’s not anyone’s place to tell her what to do. He will want to be involved in the financial aspects solely for the purpose of understanding the intricacies of it (as best he can) and so he can help break it down in a way that mil can comprehend what she might be getting herself into.
Honestly, neither one of us fully understands the extent of sil’s angst. There seems to be a sort of battle of wills between mil and sil going on that I don’t get. I think much of it stems from the rocky relationship they had in the past. Before my time in the family.
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Yes. @gouf78 - sil lives in mil’s town. The town sil and dh grew up in.
So it sounds like MIL can’t have marriage with Bob AND a healthy continuing relationship with SIL. That’s pretty tough. I’m sorry that SIL feels so strongly. I guess choices will have to be made and I hope MIL understands the lines that are being drawn and what it may be like for her in the future, as she and SIL sounded like they were VERY close.
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Re: Weight comments & people born in the teens & 1920s
My mother grew up in a small family, as in 4’10-5’1” and the ideal was to be under 100#. My poor little Momma felt like a fat cow all her life, at 105-110, even joined weight watchers. Some of the sisters were petitely boned & some larger boned. She remained feeling fat into her 90s. Sad.
I recall in my teens, hitting 103# at 5’3” and on my way to more height and weight, but that was when I crossed that line & my aunt immediately spotted it and commented in front of everyone. Luckily, though Momma never lost her own feelings, she did a good job making sure we knew that aunt was just some one to be ignored.
My in laws, in their final failing year, ended up split up in two different care locations. The very first time we arranged for them to get to a restaurant, a few weeks after the separate placement, he was retaining fluid & maybe 10-15# heavier than his normal level of fitness. Her, almost 90, him, late 90s.
What did they talk about and actually make sneery “icky” faces about? How “fat” he was. 
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There is no need for ANY lines to be drawn. The holiday threat…the “he’s not welcome in my home”…time for SIL to make an appointment with a therapist and probe why this is triggering such intense feelings for her
The MIL isn’t making meth in her garage for goodness sakes. Shes dating someone her daughter doesn’t approve of. Bob may not be anyone’s idea of Prince Charming but there is no evidence that “going for the nuclear option” is warranted.
There are plenty of elderly people who move three hours away from a daughter and somehow everyone learns to deal with it.
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I don’t disagree. She has NOT said that to mil - at least not yet.
Like you, I find the reaction of sil to be excessive. She reacted strongly as soon as mil told us of Bob’s existence on Mother’s Day weekend. Even before we knew anything about him. Her continuing overreaction has only made the situation worse, IMO
And, believe me, I think all of them (my dh included) could benefit from some therapy. Maybe I will suggest to sil it might be good for her to talk to someone. I’m not sure how she’ll receive that, though. I gotta say, the M.O. of the whole lot of them is to be, “stuffers,” of their feelings.
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I agree that adding a new relationship doesn’t mean that other ones HAVE to dramatically change, but it sounds like SisIL is acting like it will be a major change (at least on her side). Therapy sounds great but no idea how likely that may be.
Good luck navigating these tricky times.
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If only there was more “stuffing” and a little less acting out!!!
You are navigating a messy situation with a lot of class. And wisdom.
A friend of mine has a saying when one of our divorced friends has a challenge with the current boyfriend or husband. “Imagine what her life was like if HE’s the upgrade”. I insist that’s catty, mean, all relationships have conflict at times…but I do see her point. The current situation is often more a reflection on the ex than it is anything else.
Hugs to you for staying sane. SIL needs to get a grip one way or another. I’ve never known anyone to get married to spite their kid…but since a lot of people get married to spite their parents, I’m guessing it’s a “thing”.
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Remind us again….how did Bob come into the picture?
Putting my tinfoil hat on.
I wonder if sil’s problem child behavior as a teen was her shouting for attention. I don’t know the family dynamics but maybe this was her way of making her parents to pay attention to her.
As she got older, that need waned and maybe now her role is helper.
Having her mother find a new person, seemingly overnight is bringing up those old feelings of belonging. Maybe a betrayal of her investment in her mom’s feelings and wants. So it feels as if she’s being abandoned. Hence the overall feeling of being less than.
Maybe I’m wrong. Either way, I hope sil can find a therapist to help her through this.
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Mil and Bob graduated from high school together. She is sort of the class contact. Someone in their class had passed away, and she sent out an email about it. Bob emailed her back and asked for her number.
So, while he is not a total stranger to her, they had not been in contact/seen each other in probably 30-ish years. Maybe closer to 40? 35? He only attended one class reunion, and that was when he was married to wife #2. It’s not like mil and Bob had remained and been friends and in contact all through those years.
Interesting…
This post is long overdue:
I just want to thank ALL of you for your continued support, advice, insights, experiences, and concern through this looooong thread. Having a place where I can share this journey is extremely helpful, both practically and emotionally.
CC is a special place. The anonymity allows a level of honesty not afforded everywhere.
I am grateful to the community at large, and each of you individually who have taken the time to become invested in a random stranger’s family drama. 
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I pray that your SIL does not allow Bob to come between her and her relationship with her mom. SIL will need to make a conscious choice for that to happen.
I feel for you being in the middle and hope you are able to maintain your own relationship with your MIL and not feel like you need to chose sides.
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My wonderful and incredible and talented therapist loved playing “let’s pretend”.
It would go like this- SIL says “I’m so upset, my mom is contemplating marrying a man she barely knows. Plus his track record with wives is terrible. Plus she’s moving three hours away and selling her house and leaving all her friends and the neighborhood she’s known her whole life. Who leaves their dentist and their hairdresser and the crew she hangs with? Plus I’m so devoted to her. If I text her and don’t hear back in a few hours, who else is going to follow up to make sure she’s ok?”
So let’s pretend MIL is sitting in the room. Therapist plays the mom. “I’m facing reality. The likelihood that I’ll have to move at some point is pretty high. I’ve priced putting in an elevator, redoing the bathroom, adding a stair chair lift, modifying the entrance so I could get in and out in a wheel chair. So selling the house as is makes a lot more financial sense than pouring money into it. And who wants to hang out with my old crew forever – all they do is sit around and complain. I have a chance to have a nice life with someone who loves to travel, go places, do things. And I love my kids– of course. But I’ve got a great relationship with my son who lives three hours away, why wouldn’t I have the same great relationship with my daughter who will be the same three hours away once I move? I spent decades with my husband who made me feel guilty every time I tried to spend money on something he didn’t think was important. Once I sell the house, I’ll have enough money to spend on ME and my life– however long I have to enjoy it before the inevitable illness or whatnot kicks in. And I don’t like my kids making me feel guilty like my late husband did”.
So SIL then says “But mom, you’re leaving ME” at which point the therapist dismisses the imaginary mom…. and gets to the heart of the issue.
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I very much wondered similar. SIL has a small family, her son is grown. MIL has been part of her purpose. Now that purpose is threatened and/or her sort of control (not necessarily in a bad way) of her mom’s life activities is also threatened.
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We enjoy and appreciate you too!!! 
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@Hoggirl — thanks so much for sharing this fascinating journey with us. It is definitely causing a lot of thought among all of us. You are doing a delicate dance of trying to help your MIL protect herself while she explores what might be. You are really doing a great job of being diplomatic while also urging some caution.
I do love this Parent Cafe—lots of good, thoughtful folks here!
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Hoggirl - agree with blossom!
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