I wouldn’t say a thing until the CCRC folks give their costs up front for the variety of options available. Including moving in with Bob.
5 Likes
Agree but even if your H has to mention anything, it would only be the most cursory and minimal info. The CCRC needs to give your H and MIL things IN WRITING.
3 Likes
Let’s also give @Hoggirl’s husband some credit and trust as both a family Member and professional to handle this meeting and situation with knowledge and grace. 
21 Likes
Way better than we thought, at least financially.
She pays the $109k buy-in. If he predeceases her, she can stay in the home without paying any additional buy-in amount. Fees for one person in the home are $5,700 per month. Additional person is $1,500 more per month for the total of $7,200.
10% of her buy-in is non-refundable. Declining balance of 1.5% per month. So, five year declining balance. Zero back if you die no matter when you die (which we already knew).
He says he wants her to keep her current house for 2.5 - 3 years. So, in case he dies soon she isn’t stuck living somewhere she doesn’t know anyone. Idea is that they will split time 50/50 between the CCRC here in our town and her home in her town.
Mil and Bob have talked about the necessity for pre-nups. I’ve had the name of someone at the ready ever since this romance started.
We also have a copy of the entire contract. We have a few more questions after reading through it, but there were no big surprises. The attorney who drafts pre-nup can review it as well.
Dh said they definitely were talking to the correct person. We have more nitty-gritty info on other things that were brought up here as well, but I’m trying not to make this post too long.
All in all, we are feeling a bit better about things from a financial standpoint. I still have doubts about Bob’s sincerity in truly splitting time between the two locations. I am concerned about his driving as it is because of his macular degeneration. That is only going to get worse. Still not sure why she feels a need to marry him.
EDIT: Just occurred to me: I wonder when his driver’s license expires? The 50/50 split isn’t tenable if he fails the vision test. I guess at that point they could use a car service. Another cost.
15 Likes
Glad things went overall well and that it was very informative. Perhaps you all sleep A LITTLE better tonight!
They are both in their 80s right? Everyone is different of course but many 80s I have known - including my parents and my in-laws would not have been comfortable - and I don’t know that we would be comfortable driving 3 hours away. Not saying it’s doable but I think the ability to do that at their age could turn on a dime.
6 Likes
And her HOA would be OK with a part-time arrangment?
Sounds like Bob said the right things. I hope he means them.
10 Likes
Sounds great that meeting was productive and some answers were produced! Awesome progress! Given MIL & Bob’s age, it seems that factoring in regular driver to get between the two towns/cities should be part of the cost of living arrangements and be split between the parties if cost of living in the CCRC will be split. My H and his buddies are all in their 80s and have enough challenge driving around our small city. Driving 3 hours in each direction would be another matter entirely. Several of his classmates have given up driving or only drive very short distances and only in daylight and good weather.
2 Likes
Would she pay her $1,500 second-person fee or split the $7,200? He’d be paying the base amount regardless so I’m inclined to not split the money, but that’s me.
6 Likes
She would pay half. I know Wife #4 did not pay half.
And to answer your other question, no issue with her HOA as long as she keeps the yard, etc. up to standards. She has a younger neighbor (probably 71-72) with a boyfriend who lives in another town (no intention of marrying him), and they travel all the time.
4 Likes
Sort of like snowbirds…who live part time in one place and part time in another.
1 Like
If she’s supposed to pay half, I’d really want Bob to pay 1/2 of the car service between her home and the CCRC.
4 Likes
It sounds better at least that the intent is for your MIL to keep her house a few years and they split time between both locations.
Your MIL paying half the monthly fees at the CRCC seems a bit much at least to start and is an advantage to Bob, as marrying your MIL and having her pay half as opposed to the “additional person” fee lightens his current monthly expenses. For MIL, her expenses go up as she is still maintaining her old house and then has the buy in at the CRCC and then will split the monthly cost at the unit Bob currently has at the CRCC. He has no expense staying 50% of the time at her place though!
16 Likes
The lawyers they use for the prenups should include their cost sharing arrangement in the agreements. That way, they will recognize the inequality and either accept it as is or agree to change it to be more equitable.
4 Likes
If they are going 50/50 then it should be 50/50 on MIL’s expenses (house, car, etc).
8 Likes
The way our family members in this situation worked it out when there were two residences was that she was responsible for all the expenses for her house, and he was responsible for all the expenses for his. And they split their time between both. Their respective kids would inherit their individual houses. Obviously this situation is different with the CCRC but an attorney should be able to help them parse things out so there is an equitable arrangement.
12 Likes
Bob saying they’ll go back and forth is easy. Personally I don’t see it actually happening in real life; it’s not very practical given their ages and limitations, limitations which will only increase over time.
And I would guess that it becomes “too difficult” rather soon after he’s got her booked in to the CRCC. And that’s not necessarily me attributing malice to Bob, we can all intend to do something we don’t really want to do, and then ultimately not do it.
But…IMO, based on what we know of Bob, I really do think that he will say whatever he thinks he needs to say to get her in the door of the CRCC, and then that’s that; she can’t force him to go back to her house. So she’s stuck.
Yes—everything about this arrangement is a net positive for BOB.
She pays the $109k buy-in. If he predeceases her, she can stay in the home without paying any additional buy-in amount. Fees for one person in the home are $5,700 per month. Additional person is $1,500 more per month for the total of $7,200.
Seeing how MIL is committing to the buy in, and she will be absorbing 100% of the costs of maintaining her home, and Bob is looking at his costs dropping by half—that’s rather inequitable.
So here’s a thought:
If she is going to split the costs of the CRCC, Bob should split the costs of maintaining her home. Otherwise Bob should continue to pay his current $5,700 per month at the CRCC, and she pays $1,500 there and continues her own home costs separately as well.
And they should also split the costs of commuting between the homes and share in the costs when they are staying at her house (e.g. groceries, eating out, etc.).
11 Likes
We can make as many suggestions as we want but ultimately MIL needs to decide whether she will stand up for herself. Given how she never got tea on cruise and UK, I am not hopeful she will stand up for herself and being treated fairly.
10 Likes
While I agree with @blueberriesforsal , I think you are correct @HImom .
I hope I am proven wrong.
2 Likes
I agree on the 50/50 split time not working long (at all?). Agree with @blueberriesforsal in that I think Bob is very adept at saying what mil wants to hear. I feel he is doing whatever he can to get her to marry him and sign on the dotted line at the CCRC.
I’m honestly not all that concerned with Bob’s helping out with the expenses at her home. I’d rather her just continue to cover those and not muddy the waters. Yes, she’ll pay more, but she’s the one who wants to keep her house and split time. She’s the one who offered to pay half the fees at the CCRC. I think he’s acting all grandiose about making sure she doesn’t wind up alone and unhappy at the CCRC. I seriously doubt he wants to spend a bunch of time in her town anyway. To me, his contributing to those costs would give him more pull than I want him to have. I’m also not big on trying to micromanage their day-to-day finances/making sure everything is even Steven. She can afford to do both the CCRC fees and maintain her home with her cash flow. She doesn’t have to spend down savings to do that.
Unfortunately, my top atty pick has no availability until the end of October. Can we wait that long? Hmmmm - we don’t know because they will not say when they are getting married!!! 
Dh is now getting some first-hand experience with her unwillingness to be open about their plans. The atty I wanted is up here in our area. Dh has now gone back to the firm in her town that drafted her will/trust docs, etc after fil died. Might be better to have that geographic distance from Bob anyway.
8 Likes
Get a referral from your top pick attorney if you can. Lawyers typically know who is sloppy or careless…
You are really being a champ about this whole thing. Agree that not micromanaging the daily expenses is probably the way to go if you don’t want him claiming ownership or taking charge of stuff that isn’t his business/pocketbook.
I think it’s ok for your H to say to his mom- “Hey mom, we’ve got some legal stuff to take care of together. Lawyers get really busy fourth quarter and around the holidays- can you give me a sense of when you’d be planning to make the move so I can figure out the right timeline”? If she’s cagey- then push ahead (even if not your first choice lawyer). If she comes back with “I’ve thought about it and it makes more sense to move after New Years” then you have your answer too….
7 Likes