see if this gift link works…
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/28/style/maria-chavez-marvin-hersel-wedding.html?unlocked_article_code=1.5E8._oIJ.SkMfzKs7y4Am&smid=url-share
@Hoggirl is there confirmation they got married. You mentioned seeing the marriage license was issued…and someone was going to come to them for the actual ceremony. Did that happen? Did I miss that!?
I think you and SIL should make your plans and inform MIL of the activities and timeline. You’ve been very supportive of MIL and I have seen how hurt SIL is through your posts. She’s lonely. She misses her buddy, her mom. So do what SIL wants to do and if it is go to her house on Xmas, do that and stay in a hotel if you need to. Small price to pay for the happiness of SIL.
I bet MIL and Bob will want to attend. If they stay in MIL’s house, maybe H and SIL could do a first pass on the things from her house they may want, at least a list of items they want or think should be sold. Perhaps go out to eat a really nice meal on either the 24th or 25th, and then just do soup or munchies on other days. If there is some activity in the smaller town, do that or make a list of things you can do either in small groups or together.
I think you are doing a good job planning. Ask SIL what she wants - come to you, you go there, big meal, munchies - and then you’ll have to organize, at least for this year. If there is something your son and nephew like, bring that activity (puzzle, board game, card game, legos) See if any churches are doing concerts when you’ll be there, or a movie, or a Nutcracker performance.
Maybe Bob will plan something with his children and you’ll be off the hook.
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She claims so. Had given us a time - 2:00 pm on Wednesday. Said they then went and ordered rings from a local jeweler after and then to a hole-in-the-wall burger joint to celebrate their marriage.
The marriage isn’t yet recorded online, but that isn’t surprising to me given the holiday. Think the officiant takes it back??? Not sure.
It’s pretty sobering doing the search by his name on the website and seeing him listed with four women for marriage licenses issued. One of whom is now mil. The first wife isn’t listed. He did his doctorate in another state - I think they got married there.
And, BTW, she texted Friend L and maybe four or five others in her neighborhood in a group text sharing her news (that they got married) with them TODAY.
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Dh is taking mil to her town the weekend of the 12th. I think mil has a list of what she wants moved to the CCRC. Dh, sil, and nephew will go through the rest to see what they may want. Dh is only interested in his father’s football-related memorabilia. Then mil will drive her car to the CCRC with dh following her in his car.
They will hire movers to bring whatever mil wants to the CCRC. Then they’ll do a living estate sale with the rest. Will hire someone for that as well.
I am all for our making holiday plans with sil and nephew. Happy to go to her town and stay in a hotel. Just don’t know what it looks like if mil later asks since sil doesn’t want Bob in her home.
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You, your hubby, son, MIL, and Bob could go down to your SIL’s town, which is MIL’s old town for the holiday. The gathering moments can be either at MIL’s old house or out in a restaurant, since you say SIL won’t have Bob in her own home.
SIL is entitled to her feelings. But if she is not willing to be around Bob (I don’t know if you mean only not in her home or if you mean ANYWHERE), then she is limiting herself from time with her mom, which would be a shame.
If you do all end up gathering together for part of the holiday, SIL has enough people to interact with….her son, your son, your husband, you, and her mom and can just ignore Bob.
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Well, this couple in the article sound happy and they sound like they’re inclusive, which is nice for their relatives and friend groups. I wish all of those who find relationships at whatever stage of their lives the best!
I think it’s just in her home. She’d prefer not to be around him, but she knows she has to be to some extent.
Yours is a fine plan, but someone has to suggest it. It’s also fine if sil and nephew come to where we are. There are definitely options, but it feels like a giant game of chicken - who will be the first to suggest something?
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Yup, there are several options. Even if you don’t ALL get together, you can choose to be part of separate gatherings, like go visit SIL and her son one day and do something with MIL and Bob another day.
I don’t know who will make the suggestions first though. I thought you said MIL made some reference to Christmas with you guys (like she mentioned the Thanksgiving restaurant I think?). That kinda implies she is thinking of seeing at least you and hubby for part of the holiday.
I know this came up before in some people’s comments, but it might be your generation (the sandwich one) who has to initiate talk of a plan. Then, others can chime in. You seem pretty involved considering you are the DIL and SIL in these relationships, not the daughter or sister, so hats off to you.
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Resolving the potential challenge of SIL not wanting Bob in her home is not your problem to solve.
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@Hoggirl I understand. For many years, I (the DIL) tried to initiate holiday happenings, birthdays, etc. My MIL declined every invitation I extended. I finally took the hint, and stopped.
I think you should make the plans you want to make. At this point, maybe it’s time to stop going to MILs “old house” since she won’t have that in the future. I like the idea of meeting for brunch one day at a place halfway between the two homes. If SIL declines that…then make a brunch reservation in your town…and have your husband invite his mother and Bob.
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My happiest Thanksgiving– we got Indian takeout (as spicy as we wanted since nobody else would be with us) and watched Downton Abby.
Yeah it was Covid and the global pandemic stank for many reasons (and heartbreaking for so many). But there was zero drama around who was going where and who was planning what and which grandchild had a runny nose but was probably an allergy so wouldn’t be infecting Uncle Jim who was in the middle of chemo and all that. No drama. Nobody being the martyr and refusing help and then complaining that nobody helps. Nobody wondering why they ALWAYS have to do the menu planning even though she’s a vegan and won’t eat half the stuff, and nobody wondering why the gluten-frees can’t figure out a baked potato and a piece of grilled salmon and call it a day.
No traffic– side benefit.
I love my extended family and my in-laws but I gotta admit- that Covid Thanksgiving was pretty sweet. Not having to remember whose adult kids had gone “contact free” vs. which ones were just backpacking in Thailand and wished they were with the family; not having to remember the name of the hated ex-husband whose “name shall not be mentioned” but if you don’t mention what a bum he is everyone’s nose is out of joint.
OP- you are a saint for taking on Christmas under the circumstances!
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I agree it might be nice to explore some restaurants that are 1/2 way between your town and SIL’s (Yelp is great for this) and choose one YOU and your H & S might like and then ask SIL if she & her S are interested? You can decide whether to also ask MIL & Bob. If you’re in charge, you get to call the shots. I like being in charge so less is left to chance and reservations can fill up pretty quickly and your S has a pretty small time window when he’s going to be around to meet up with SIL & nephew.
Surely the dogs don’t have to be attended 24/7 and if you’re 1/2 way it’s not far for you or SIL/nephew.
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Just wanted to say, “thanks,” for encouraging me to think about alternative plans.
We will go to sil (and mil’s) town on the 27th. In addition to seeing sil and dear nephew, we will also have a visit with a dear family friend who will have just turned 98 on the 22nd of this month. We’ll visit with her, visit with sil & nephew at sil’s home, and then have a meal out with them. No work for anyone. We’ll spend the night in a hotel, and then we’ll leave to come home and ds will head back to his home (he will drive to us for the whole week of Christmas so we’ll be in two cars).
No plans to tell mil of this family gathering. I will figure out what we will do with Bob and her if and when she brings up the topic of Christmas.
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Well done! Sounds like a nice way to handle things this year.
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(Sorry, I just couldn’t resist 
)
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I think this is a great solution to the whole “What about Christmas?” question.
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Well, I have no doubt mil will bring up Christmas at some point. I envision a, “What are WE doing for Christmas?” text from her.
Or maybe she will bring it up when dh takes her to her town to go through the things in her home. Then HE can deal with answering it. Wouldn’t THAT be refreshing?!
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My H always punts to me whenever there’s cc a question of scheduling and calendaring so we don’t double-book. I’ve noticed that in most households, it’s the woman who is in charge of the calendar for the couple/family.
By the way, I’d suggest you make reservations soon for any party in late December, unless it’s just a walk-in type place. Things can get busy and booked.
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Way to go, Hoggirl. Sounds like you figured it out well.
Glad to hear SIL will have some family time. Maybe it will help her expand if she’s gotten a bit too dependent on MIL for company - help her adjust.
Good for you 
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