Well, it does sound like SIL were travel buddies, and this is definitely a wrench in those plans and likely is another thing that SIL feels she lost with this new relationship and now marriage. I certainly understand SIL’s feelings but really don’t think her hostility toward Bob will be helpful if she wants to maintain any relationship with her mom. I hope that over time SIL will figure out her path forward, where she can still have a good relationship with MIL, even it it is different from before.
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It sounds complicated. However, it sounds like for many years, that you and your husband and son went to SIL and MIL’s town for Christmas. Now, MIL lives near you. SIL could come to your town since you, husband, and MIL live there, just like you used to go to her town. If she doesn’t like leaving the dogs, she can do a day trip or else son can stay with the dogs. She could do Christmas Eve or Christmas day with son and then the other with her brother and mother. I’m not her, but she could try to tolerate Bob for a few hours in order to still see her mom and brother and you.
Or since MIL’s home has not yet sold, you could go down there and celebrate one of the days with SIL and the other day with MIL/Bob.
Sorry that your SIL feels “left” due to MIL moving away, but she is only about 2.5 hours away, which is not that far and could be a day trip. I realize it is an adjustment for her, but many of us have not even lived in the same state as our elderly parents. I understand she is not happy about it, and that is how it feels for her end of things, but for MIL, she apparently feels happy to no longer be alone and have a partner. So, there’s that.
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Have to say - ever since @abasket reminded us that MIL is the one who made all those rude/hurtful comments to you, @Hoggirl, about height/appearance (and other things) during her visits to you in FL…. I’m not feeling much sympathy for her anymore! 
Her recent comments about her daughter being ‘outnumbered’ and now having to travel to visit her seem on par (a bit snarky/self-serving).
Kinda seems like now she gets what she gets w/ her rude, potentially controlling new hub (but perhaps he’s tall, so all is worth it..? 
)
Not that these opinions, help, Hoggirl, but my sympathies are now with SIL (and continue to be with you!). lol
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This made me Lolol.
He’s quite tall. One of the very first attributes about him she shared with us! 
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Of course 
Well, I hope his height is a comfort to her if she starts to miss SIL and/or Bob is isolating and cruel/unkind. Everyone makes choices.
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Y’know what therapy does pretty well? Helping someone understand why they are having an extreme and perhaps irrational reaction to a family situation. Y’know what therapy does less well? Helping someone cope with their grief after a parent dies when some of the choices they made (not leaving a dog overnight with a competent dog sitter) means that they weren’t with that parent on Xmas).
There are five or ten reasons why SIL taking the hard and lonely path she’s on make perfect sense. Bob is a pain, mil has abandoned her daughter, dog is needy, “we’ve always done it one way and there is no good reason to change that now”. Not enough beds, too many people and not enough bedrooms….we’ve all been there.
But at the end of the day, this seems like an oversized reaction and is laying the groundwork for a whole lot of pain and neediness once MIL is gone. And the dog, beds, too much driving, not enough of anything is going to feel RIDICULOUS once the bill comes due.
I get that you are just an inlaw and I applaud your ability to keep your mouth shut. But enabling the SIL (an adult, not a 9 year old in foster care) by somehow agreeing (even tacitly) that her “abandonment” is legit seems like the wrong move for you.
Why not suggest a festive lunch Xmas eve with mom at the CC and then have Sil drive home to spend Xmas however she wants? Or find a restaurant midway between the two towns, have a fun Xmas eve late breakfast and then hug and kisses and everyone does their own thing on Xmas morning? But ignoring the fact that Mom has a new husband and deciding that the dog issue is a family problem to deal with seems like the wrong call here.
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Things are different now and trying to recreate Christmas as it was isn’t going to work. Too short to plan a trip now, but in future years MIL and Bob can go on a cruise. We did that once for Christmas and it was great and not once did we (me and my kids) think “Oh, we always have THIS for Christmas” or “I miss this about Christmas at Nana’s”.
Another option is to plan the more traditional (for you) Christmas another weekend, either at SILs house/town or with her coming to your house. Sure, your son won’t be there but things are going to change at some time in his/your life so you’ll have to make new traditions. Two of my friends married brothers. The brothers had 6 kids in their family. Their mother gave up on having all her kids, spouses and grandchildren at her house on Christmas so declared the first Sunday in Jan (not 1/1) ‘hers’ and that was their Christmas. They exchanged gifts and did a big meal, and everyone was free to do actual Christmas at their own homes or at inlaws’ homes. New tradition, built from necessity of MIL getting what she wanted, which was all her family together one day per year even if it wasn’t on 12/25. I think the kids continued this tradition after the MIL/FIL died, and I think 2 of the siblings have died also. The grandchildren enjoy it too as they are now married and have to fit their spouses and inlaws into it, and still get to see all the uncles and aunts and cousins that first Sunday in Jan.
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What a wonderful thing to do for her family. We all get so worked up about THE DAY, the 25th. I always say, it’s just a day! If you celebrate the birth of Jesus, it wasn’t even on the 25th.
It’s the day just conjures of memories of days gone by and our childhood. Those are gone. It’s OK if we celebrate a different day to have all together.
I’m guilty of feeling letting these hallmark dreams die, and I work on it. Sounds like SIL has alot of internal work to do. It also sounds like MIL has a big chip on her shoulder and really dismisses her daughters feelings.
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I don’t see this Christmas celebration as a ride or die event. Things have happened very quickly, and the only thing that is certain is that this holiday will not unfold the way ones in the past did. What you do this year doesn’t have to be what you’ll do in years to come. Heck, every family finds its traditions evolving as kids grow up!
In some ways, this permission/space to celebrate however it makes sense for you this year may be liberating. If you miss something this year, you’ll know to include it going forward. The traditions are helpful because they give us a shared connection to the past and each other (as well as a template for celebrating.) But we can celebrate our connections with each other, as well as the religious parts of the holiday that are meaningful for your family, in any myriad of ways. This is your chance to mix it up. That’s not the same as giving it up.
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This is so well stated!
I also think it’s important to recognize that not everyone is going to be happy when things change but it’s not Hoggirl’s job to be the peace keeper. I’d personally prioritize spending time with my child/children, extend invites or not (depending on wants), and try to enjoy the holiday season knowing that things do naturally change and evolve over time and maybe it will be even better!
This is an opportunity to do things a new way, just the way you want.
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It’s the holiday season. Not just one day. As families become larger extended families, some of the celebrating can be done on days other than December 24 and 25. There is nothing wrong with a quiet breakfast with MIL and Bob on some different day…maybe at the CCRC. Or someplace else.
Traditions can change, and often do, when families change.
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I think it’s also useful to take into account that mil is a newlywed and, imho, entitled to enjoy the first months of her marriage with her husband as they see fit.
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I appreciate ALL the advice about celebrating holidays. 
In past years, we always celebrated on alternate days - especially when ds and his cousin were little since Santa had to come to our respective houses. Because we are local to Bob and mil, I think it is going to be, “expected,” by them (or at least by mil, no idea about Bob) to be with them either on Christmas Eve or on Christmas Day. We aren’t big gift people, so Christmas Eve makes more sense. I’ll have to alter my menu as my traditional gumbo will be too spicy for them. I don’t think I am the one struggling with the changes. I think it is sil. For one thing, I’d be perfectly happy just spending Christmas with our tiny family of three. But, ds wants to see his aunt and cousin sometime (ds will probably be here a week), but I don’t know what that will look like or where it will happen. Or if it would include mil and Bob. Seeing sil and nephew doesn’t have to be on any particular day.
Maybe the five of us should just go ahead and plan something on our own. And then let mil know what we are doing. They can join or not. Idk if sil will like that. My selfish side is sad as I think we will be the ones, “stuck,” with Bob and mil as a separate thing. As stated above I don’t know what, if anything, mil and Bob are planning. Though, when we went out to lunch for TG, mil said, “We should book this for Christmas.” (Same place does have a Christmas Eve offering). But my dh doesn’t want to do that.
Ugh. Trying to make all these people happy is going to be impossible. All the Christmas planning is like the elephant in the room. I’m not sure why I feel like it’s my job to figure this out other than I am both a planner and a pleaser.
@blossom - I do not disagree at all. There is SO much baggage/history that needs to be addressed by mil and sil, but they will never seek therapy either separately or together. I also hear you on the tacitly implying to sil that she is being abandoned. I need to be mindful of that. I certainly haven’t overtly used that word. I just think that’s how she perceives this situation: that mil has chosen Bob over her. I don’t see it that way, but I am not in her shoes. I think sil needs to recognize maintaining a relationship with mil is now going to require more effort because of a greater (though not that great) distance.
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Hugs to you.
As a planner (and a reformed people pleaser) I totally get where you are coming from. But it might help you to make a little chart (if only in your head) to map out “worst case scenarios” if YOU aren’t the one in charge of Xmas this year.
Worst Case number 1- nobody plans anything, and so you, your H and your son have a nice relaxing time together. Everyone else is mad– and they can stew in their misery– but you have a chill holiday.
Worst Case number 2- the rest of the gang pulls it together at the last minute and it involves SIL either boycotting or showing up grumpy and hostile because the only last minute option still available is a diner near your MIL’s place. Your son orders pancakes and proclaims “It’s a Christmas miracle”. Hey, sounds good, no? Your SIL stays for an hour so she can get back to her dogs and she gets to be the martyr; Bob and MIL spend the night at their place, you still get quality time with H and S. Not so bad, right?
Worst Case number 3- you see where I’m going with this. When my planning and organizing for an unruly family starts to kick in, I make myself a chart with the worst case scenarios, and it often allows me to stand back. The worst cases never seem so bad once you take the current inertia and follow it to its logical conclusion.
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Ok, I’m stealing this! This is me, too. And I agree that traditions can and probably should evolve over time.
Often those around us feel the same and just don’t say it out loud.
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It helps me to remember that I am not responsible for my siblings feelings. Those are all hers and I am not responsible for solving them.
Another possibility is that sil is envious. Mil seemingly found a new person and a new life without working at it very hard. She’s moved on.
It’s hard being a youngish widow. And sil may deep down be a little jealous of mil’s new found romance.
Bob is no big prize but hey, he’s tall! 
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I saw this in the NYT “Vows” page and thought perhaps Bob and MIL sent their nuptials in. But I think it’s just another senior gentleman eager to snap up a new senior living resident! 
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I mentioned early on in this discussion thread that my FIL who is about to turn 100, remarried 2.5 years ago. They do live in a senior living residence, but started dating before moving there, and knew one another (and were friends) when both were married to previous spouses who passed away.
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Paywall for me 