I guess when sil says to ME, “I wish mil would give her rings either to me or brother (my dh) now because I fear they will never be seen again if she dies first,” I feel like I need to respond.
The issue is that I am the primary communicator with sil and the primary communicator with dh! They do talk to each other, but I still get a lot of, “Has brother talked to mom about,” from her. I KNOW I should be firmer with my boundaries (“You should ask him yourself”). And, I AM. Sometimes. When I think they really need to talk to each other. I do want to be supportive of her.
I talked to dh about it, so he is aware of the items she is concerned about. There are some prints as well. He and mil are going to mil’s town earlier than expected on Friday so she can get her hair cut (has not found anyone up here yet). Dh will go to her house and then mil will drive her car to the hairdresser’s. I suggested to sil that she be at mil’s house when they arrive so she and dh can talk without mil around while mil is getting her hair done. I’ve told sil that I’ve told dh about her concerns on the rings and stuff.
Yes to all of this. Widow, adult child transitioning, and now her mom moving away.
I agree that doesn’t want to be seen as, “grabby.” I don’t think she is. I don’t think any of us are operating under the notion that her modest ring is particularly valuable. I think for sil, it is about its sentimental value.
Trust me (a total stranger on the internet) that your life will improve DRAMATICALLY when you are no longer the primary communicator with people who aren’t related to you with actual DNA (or a legal adoption, that counts too).
Boy, been there done that. Call your mother. Call your sister. Your brother-in-law is in the hospital having a stent implanted- see if your sister needs anything? Your niece is having surgery, it sounds serious, are you going to send something? Candy is nice; gives the medical team an excuse to linger in the room which might be a good idea. Call your mother. Should we suggest hosting the 50th anniversary party? Call your sister (different sister). Nephew is graduating from college and I think he’d appreciate it if we were there, call your sister (yet another sister).
It took therapy for me to understand how draining, exhausting and pointless all of this was. And guess what- nobody’s marriage falls apart if the daughter-in-law doesn’t organize a 50th wedding party when the children don’t want to or don’t communicate with each other. There are zero surgeons in America who state “I am going to give this person sub-par medical care because their uncle never showed up to visit them or send candy to the hospital room”. And no nurse has EVER said “I can’t be bothered to check the vitals of the patient in room 2055 because his brother-in-law didn’t send a meal to the patient’s sister during the hospitalization”.
Guess what happened when I stopped communicating with them all AND nagging H to pick up the slack? Nothing happened. They continued along their merry way with their lives and the occasional call, text or visit. And everything else fell through the cracks and nobody either cared or noticed. And my sleep improved, my four cups a day of caffeine dropped to three cups, and I no longer was carrying around the 50lb sack of rocks which was the “In-Law communication network”.
I can completely relate to your primary communicator comment and wanting to be supportive of your SIL. I’m very close to my SIL and we talk for hours/week. We’ve known each other since we were teenagers. Frankly it would be weird for me to take a total back seat in something like this.
As I’ve written on many a thread as occasions arise, my bff the therapist taught me many years ago that when we over-function, we give others permission to under-function. These people don’t really need us to be intermediaries. We’ve trained people to expect that we will pick up their slack. Not today, Satan. Not anymore.
Not the same but my mil liked to channel communication through her daughters in law.
I think some of it is that I, the people pleaser would be the intermediary and solve and plan.
My sister in law stopped being that person. When mil called, she didn’t answer, would text her husband to call his mom. It was incredibly vexing for my mil who expected the women to be the planners.
Probably because her sons stink at it. Aren’t particularly responsive and if they don’t want to, they will stonewall the situation.
Now that my husband is retired, I am trying the same approach. She only calls my phone, I hand the phone to him. Or ask him to call his mom. He now deals with those things.
I do have to give up some of my control with this approach because my husband doesn’t always do things the way I like.
Sil is calling you because she’s getting the response she wants. Because you are the people pleaser and the solver of all issues. It’s who you are.
I understand she’s got a lot going on. But calling sil and telling her to deal with her brother and mother is what you can do. Let them figure it out. It’s very hard but sometimes you need to step back for your own peace.
You don’t have experience with all of this in the past. Being an only child whose own parents haven’t been around for a long time, means that this is your family. It’s worked for a long time.
My personal opinion is it’s time to let the mother and daughter figure this out. Sil involved you because she’s not getting the response she wanted from her mom. But it’s not yours to fix!
I can totally see this. Being so close that it would be weird to not be supportive.
But again, these are things. And really, small things. We aren’t talking SIL wants your MIL’s house or her property in Key West. We are talking item that are sentimental - everyone is different but my mom would have been THRILLED to know that one of us wanted something particular of hers.
I think it would be great if SIL got MIL’s ring ASAP. Maybe that would help her feel better about some of what’s been going on with her. She will have to wait for the furniture MIL plans to use, but if MIL isn’t going to wear the ring SIL might as well have it NOW.
Although I hear what other people are saying about how @Hoggirl doesn’t need to be in the middle of some of the in-laws stuff, I think if she “changes personality” now, in the middle of what seems to be one of the biggest family thing that’s happened, it won’t do anyone any good. I think she does a great job of trying to “do the right thing” in difficult circumstances.
Oh, that was so true of my MIL. I think she thought it was a courtesy to want to talk to me to make plans. However my preference was for her to suggest plans to DH and then later have us check our schedules and discuss… get back to her. (Note - she liked having us visit a lot. I wanted to balance it with a little time with my family.)
@Hoggirl I think it is good you made your husband aware of SIL’s “requests” and he will be there when they go through things. If you want to respond to SIL (but also ask hubby to reiterate this), you could suggest that she make a list of items she would like in the event of MIL’s death and suggest she ask if MIL has a will and if she is willing to put this list in the will.
As far as the ring goes, MIL is only moving. I see the issue with household items. But jewelry seems to be something dealt with upon death. Of course, MIL could gift it now to SIL. But also MIL could stipulate it in the will. Your husband and SIL could make a list of what is desired upon MIL passing away and ask MIL to put it in writing in her will since these belongings will be in Bob’s home.
The only response is that this discussion needs to take place with MIL…and there is nothing you can do about it. Then…change the subject.
Re: anything to be inherited…it’s not your SIL’s or DH’s stuff…and never was. In the Thumper family, we don’t really have any strong attachments to any “things” our parents had or have. I think it is easier that way!
In this instance, because my sil said, “DH or me,” regarding receiving the rings now, I felt the need to respond since she threw dh into the mix re: her ring statement.
I fully understand that it isn’t sil’s or dh’s stuff - now or ever. They are all convening at mil’s home at mil’s request to go through the things mil knows she does NOT want now or ever. Things that she has no interest in moving to the CCRC and that will otherwise be sold or donated.
As I have written upthread, my dh is only interested in memorabilia of his deceased father. Fil’s mother made scrapbooks that contain every newspaper article and photo of dh’s dad throughout his high school and collegiate football careers. And through his collegiate football officiating while she was still living. Mil does not want to move these into her new home. Dh does not want anything else, now or ever. He is going to get that memorabilia but also to assist in the purging and sorting that must take place in conjunction with the sake if mil’s home and move. Sil and her son are taking things now, but they are things mil does not want. There are about half a dozen things that mil is taking that sil does want after mil passes. These are the items sil is fretting about.
Like you, I am not particularly sentimental. I do not have great attachments to things. I agree - it’s easier that way. However, not everyone is like we are. I do not want to ignore my sil’s feelings about this and be dismissive of her attachment to her grandfather’s table, just because I don’t share her same level of sentimentality.
So when she frets, yes - I try to offer ideas to help her. Both practically and emotionally. And when she implicates dh in some, “thing,” that I know he does not want, I’m also going to make her aware of that.
You aren’t being dismissive by suggesting she discuss this with your MIL. And your SIL knows that is what she should do. She is drawing you into this situation…and really, I know you want to be supportive of SIL…but this is SILs situation…not yours.
At this point, MIL wants that table. So really at this point, that ends the discussion. Talking about Bob dying first probably isn’t going to score any points with MIL. Talking about the “what IF” Bob dies first won’t score any points.
I think you are doing the best you can to be supportive, but sometimes you may need to step away.
One idea - maybe suggest the ring to into her safety deposit box (if she has one) or yours or SIL’s (if either has one). That way there would be less concerns about theft when/if there are hired helpers at the CRCC place.
My mother died more than 3 years ago and I’ve been telling my siblings (and children, and nieces and nephews) to take whatever they want. No one wanted anything, or at least anything that would make room in this house). My sister one day commented on a picture on the wall, and I took it off the wall and handed it to her. My daughter wanted some crosses my mother had on the wall and then my brother said he was going to send them to a niece, so I took the ones my daughter said she wanted and gave them to her. Shortly after than I noticed that the rest were gone. Did he take the nails off the wall? Oh no, that would be like helping me, but he was mad that I took some of them (mostly ones my daughter had gifted to my mother). I’m just trying to get rid of stuff.
I stopped asking. I started donating. Yesterday my sister came looking for a Christmas tree that she thought was about 3’ tall. She remembers it because she helped Mom set it up and Dad was mad that it wasn’t a real tree. Father has been dead 7+ years. She didn’t believe me that the 3’ tree, if it ever existed, was long gone. She did leave with 2 outdoor metal shelves/table that I actually wanted but I’m not going to argue about those things. Yes, she’ll have to buy her own 3’ tree for $30.
So write the stuff out that either H or SIL want if it goes to CCRC maybe do it as part of the cleaning of the house. Maybe Bob will be a good guy in the end and just hand it over if he knows what MIL wanted done with it.
I assume MIL is no longer wearing the rings from her first marriage? She might be willing to give them up to daughter now and enjoy seeing SIL wear them.
It’s great, isn’t it? I’ll let her know Tuesday when we have lunch!
To clarify, she’s my bestie who just happens to now be a therapist. Regular lunches with her have kept me sane for more than 30 years. Well, some may beg to differ …
There really are not theft concerns at the CCRC. It’s more about the rings getting lost within their house. Bob has so much cr@pola!! It’s literally about her putting it somewhere in the new place and it being impossible to find later on.
But! That scenario also makes a safety deposit box a good idea!!
