Octogenarian romances? Who has had experience with this with their parents/in-laws?

Parent Cafe
1761

We all are either made or equipped with different level of emotion, empathy and abilities or desires in our ways to communicate with others.

Some peoplE cannot just turn the other cheek on a problem or someone asking for support. It literally is not in everyone’s DNA to do that.

While no one is entitled to “stuff”, MIL has an entire house to deal with. Her son would like a few things of his dad’s. Her daughter is hoping for 2 things - a ring and piece of furniture. Perhaps it will be more sad for MIL to see a house full of a lifetime of things be reduced to only a few items of interest to her kids.

This is still a delicate situation- every family is different but in our family “in laws” Have say and value. I respect @Hoggirl for her careful involvement with all parties in this situation

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1762

So now I’m confused. Hoggirl, are you wondering what advice to give SIL? I mean, DH and SIL are going alone to Mom’s house. You’ve already told her you don’t want the ring. Are you asking for opinions on what to tell her to say to MIL?

Have you told your DH her concerns? If so what does he say?

I guess I still think you can be very sympathetic and listen to her, but I think I’m sticking with my original advice. You can tell her she really needs to talk to her Mom. You could add in that at the house would be the best time when they are alone. SIL needs to put on her big girl panties. I mean, what does she actually want you to do? It’s ok for her to vent, I get that.

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1763

If your MIL gets a safety deposit box…make sure there are at least two coholders of that box. Otherwise if SHE dies…that will be inaccessible to anyone until the estate executor gets permission to access.

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1764

Helpful advise. Do you mean two coholders in addition to MIL? or two total (which I had assumed was a requirement, because mom and I used to share a safety deposit box, 2 keys; we ended up closing it before she died).

Note - if there is interest, I could start a new Safety Deposit Box thread (or a subtopic in Random Questions) because at our beer night with friends last week our discussions included lamenting about the credit union and banks discontinuing their safety deposit box services.

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1765

I don’t t think anyone is asking OP to “change personalities”. But it is legitimate for her to decide that the coping strategies that have worked for decades are no longer suiting her own needs. And perhaps the MIL’s engagement ring conundrum can be the catalyst for a different way of handling in-laws.

If you’ve been carrying the communication load for a very long time it is natural to assume that this is the only way that a loving family member behaves, reacts, steps in. But there are many happy and perfectly functional families where that is NOT the norm. And guess what– they also have inheritance issues, second marriages, big feelings about late in life changes. They just manage differently. And observing those differences can be a helpful way of reframing.

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1766

I don’t think you are confused at all. @conmama

Yes, advice as to what to say and reassuring her. I think her concerns are unfounded. I don’t think Bob is interested in mil’s, “stuff.” Sil had expressed concerns about the stuff over three days before I came here to CC.

The things she eventually wants that mil is taking to the CCRC:

  1. Rings
  2. Oak table
  3. Mil’s silver (plate) flatware
  4. Signed prints by Donald Roller Wilson

Sample texts (of several):

“I think when we are packing up the Rollers, I plan to say that I really don’t expect to ever see them again if she goes first. Cruel but true.”

“I’m going to ask her where her rings are. I wish she’d give them to brother or me. Things get stuffed in Bob’s house. They will disappear.”

“I’m going to have to go up there with the police and the pre-nup if she goes first.”

It’s borderline irrational to me. It’s fear for her mother and their future relationship being redirected through these things.

Before I ever came here to CC I told her:

  1. You need to tell mil what you want so she can tell Bob.
  2. Pre-nup won’t help because personal property isn’t enumerated. She can make a holographic codicil to get will.
  3. I have told dh what you want. You are not alone. He will be there with you.
  4. This conversation can happen organically while you are going through the house.

Nothing is helping because it’s not about the things/stuff. It’s about her feeling abandoned by her mother!

I guess I was coming HERE to vent. Nothing I say is reassuring her. Her approach with her mother is, IMO, too antagonistic.

Dh knows all of this, and he and mil have a three-hour car ride together. He, too, thinks sil is overreacting. She will be there when they arrive and she and dh can have a convo while mil goes to get her hair done.

Everyone has been IMMEASURABLY helpful here in confirming that I’ve said all I can say. I cannot fix this.

Below is one of the prints mil has that sil fears will never be returned. When I asked ds if there was anything from his grandmother’s house he wanted he said, “Well, not any of those creepy monkeys.” :rofl:

She has at least three. At least one is signed. They’re just prints - not originals

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1767

She has one in her town that dh and sil are on. My dh is her executor.

1768

You hit the nail on the head.

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1769

You know what they say on planes.

Put your oxygen mask on first before you help others.

Right now, imo, your sil is reacting to everything because she feels abandoned, jealous, not accepting change. All the feels. It doesn’t sound like you were particularly close before all of this.

She also wants you to intervene. Which it sounds like you haven’t done in the past. Because she’s not getting the response she wants.

Take a good long look at what you need. And if you need some space, let her know. Let her know if you are unequipped to take on all of her anxieties about this marriage.

You matter, your mental health matters. How you interact with your mil matters. Your relationship with your husband matters.

P.S. OMG on the monkeys!

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1770

I couldn’t help it…. It so applies!!! :laughing:

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1771

My therapist told me it was a Ukrainian proverb (she was Ukrainian) which just shows how universal this is!

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1772

I use it too but with an add on: “Not my circus, not my monkeys, but I know the clowns.”

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1773

Would it make sense for your DH to take pictures of stuff your MIL is moving to her new place. The pictures would have the location and time stamp they were taken. If the MIL is amiable, she could even designate who those pieces would go to some day. Of course, it wouldn’t prevent Bob from moving them out of the condo without you all knowing, but I am not sure if it’s very likely.
I gave my 2 carat diamond ring to D2 when she got engaged. It was sitting in my safe collecting dust. I was the one who bought the ring on one of our anniversaries. My mom has a nice 3 carat that she wants to give it to me someday. I may re-set it and wear it for a while and then give it to D1. I have started to give some of my jewelries to my daughters. I just don’t see any point of having them in my safe.

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1774

Ah, okay. Well, nothing you say at this point will reassure her. Because no one know’s what the future holds, and she just needs to vent as she abandoned.

you’ve been a terrific SIL and have done all you can for her. I think all you can say at this point are generic statements “I know, it’s so hard”, “don’t jump to conclusions yet”. It sounds like she just needs a shoulder to cry on. Your MIL does seem to be insensitive to all of this.

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1775

DYING. And I bet it’s hilarious in Ukrainian!

1776

To be fair, Poland has appeared and disappeared off the map of Europe a couple of times in the last 200 years, an area in Poland may be become part of Ukraine at one time, or vice versa.

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1777

“Not my circus, not my monkeys, but I know the clowns.”

Love that. (Especially since my husband and I used to fondly joke about the kids - “oh, they are monkeys…but they are OUR monkeys”).

Often it’s the case that “Not my circus, not my monkeys… but I really do love all those clowns and monkeys”. Thus we stress over the chaos at the circus, even if we try not to interfere.

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1778

Google says it is Polish, so geographically close, so could have become a Ukrainian saying. :slight_smile: Although I don’t recall my Ukrainian grandfather say that, and he had a proverb for every situation. :joy:

Loved the variant posted by one Redditor! “Not my dumpster, not my fire.” Lol

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1779

I would LOVE one of those crazy monkey prints. And a second one for my brother, who has a monkey thing. Here’s a lamp I gave him for his birthday last year! lol

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1780

This is it in a nutshell. Nothing you say is going to help. I’d try to gently disengage, or else just go into listening mode, offering a lot of supportive “mmm” responses.

Editing to add: longtime reader of this thread, first time responding :wink:

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