SIL can’t have it both ways. If she’s going to draw a hard line in the sand about being in her mother’s house – because Bob’s house now IS her mother’s house – her nose can’t get too out of joint when she isn’t invited to it.
I’m so sympathetic to your SIL about her mother moving away, but SIL needs to grow up a bit.
FYI, Monday is the 22nd. I mention this because I keep getting invited to things that say ‘Friday the 18th’ when Friday is the 19th and sometimes the event is on the 18th and sometimes it is on Friday! Maybe just a typo but maybe MIL has confused the day of the week and the actual date she wants you to show up.
@VeryHappy - first time to meet Bob. Sil met him VERY briefly when they did the hand off of mil at the midpoint between the towns in her first visit to the CCRC.
@thumper1 - she says she would have it catered
@twoinanddone - just a big ol’ typo by me!! Monday, December 22nd is when we will likely dine with them.
I agree - though I don’t think sil is unhappy she isn’t invited. She may be unhappy that nothing else is planned with mil. That mil made no effort to plan anything with her. I am pretty sure they are exchanging gifts this weekend when dh drives mil to her town for the house sorting. But, it’s a working weekend, not a Christmas celebration. We do not exchange gifts at all. I don’t even buy anything for my husband. We do buy for ds
It seems to me that this is a huge adjustment for SIL and it may take some time for her to get used to the new normal for her family.
Well, SIL may have to actually plan something with MIL if that is something she wants. As far as I can tell, there’s NOTHING stopping her from doing so. I wish everyone the best in negotiating this “new normal.”
MIL and DIL are having a Stand-off and trying to punish each other. I guess I think since MIL is causing all the disruption, she should be the one to offer the olive branch.
Mil is causing what disruption? Her grown daughter refuses to be in the home her mother now lives in with her husband. Until there’s evidence that he’s selling cocaine out of their living room or is a pedophile, the SIL seems to be overreacting in the extreme. Most adults can survive a meal hosted by someone they dislike.
My kids are going to be so disappointed with my jewelry…lol (I have nothing '“safe-worthy”).
That is very kind of you (and makes total sense) to give it to your daughters now while they can enjoy it @oldfort !
@Blossom Agree. I think SIL has gone beyond refusing to visit MIL in her new home with her new husband. I believe she is not willing to have MIL’s new husband in her home either. I’m not positive if she is willing to even get together with her mother if new husband is present, no matter the place. If not, that makes things more difficult, though of course she can visit her mom and offer to take her out on an excursion just the two of them. The holidays themselves, however, tend to not be as conducive to her doing things ONLY with her mom, but at any other time, she could do that. But if she is not willing to be with her mom if her new husband is present, that limits things, especially holiday celebrations.
@Hoggirl – I’m sorry that SIL has chosen to make this as awkward as possible for anyone who cares about her and your MIL. It’s not your circus, as much as you care about the clowns and monkeys. I do wish for the best for everyone and am glad that arrangements are being made so you, your H and your S can see MIL as well as SIL. Wishing everyone the best through this “interesting” time.
I have said here in the past that SIL needs to put on her big girl panties. But maybe we’ve had a different interpretation of the mental chaos MIL has caused rushing into this marriage with a man that isn’t the nicest.
I’m guessing if he were a sweet old kind man things would have been different. MIL sees how upset her daughter has been and there is no indication in the past 6 months she gives a flying F. So….there’s now stand off. Who should be the first to try to end it? My vote is still MIL.
This is the part that blows my mind. I can’t imagine ever doing something that upset my child - justified or not - and not saying “you will always be my D. I will always love you, and you will always be welcome in my home.” Nothing else. No justifications, strings, etc. if you can’t say it, send a text, email, or handwritten note.
Absolutely! Even just saying she’s really mad at her behavior, (then say what you said above).
A therapist would encourage the SIL NOT to see this MIL “doesn’t give a flying F” about how hurt the SIL is. But would likely flip the script- MIL saying “I’ve been widowed for a while. I have nice friends and I love my family. But since I don’t know how much longer I’ll be healthy, mobile, etc. I much prefer being able to travel and having a companion to have dinner with, take a cruise, than continuing to live my life alone for now. The reality is that I’m likely to survive Bob (just the actuarial tables) so I’ll get to do the widow thing all over again. But for now I’m having fun. I don’t understand why my kids– who care about me, but don’t really want me living with them or needing them for constant entertainment– find it so hard to accept that I’d rather be married than alone in this phase of my life”.
Is there any indication that the SIL thought the “next step” in MIL’s journey was to move in with her? If not, doesn’t the marriage/CCRC plan make a LOT more sense than having MIL “age in place” and need SIL at her house multiple times a week (perhaps daily) to help take care of her as she– and the house- age???
It’s possible that SIL has thought about that “next step” and made decisions in her own life to make that possible. If so, that could be a reason for resentment.
Absolutely possible. But was that “backup plan” ever communicated to the rest of the family?
I have a friend who essentially put her own life on hold to take care of her elderly widowed mom. Meanwhile, her siblings had been saving an “emergency fund” to pay for assisted living if/when the time came. The amount of resentment my friend has towards the siblings is off the charts, once Mom decided she’d rather move to a residential community than move in with her adult child.
As far as I can tell we still don’t know much about Bob at all either good or bad. We do know MIL liked him enough to marry him and appears happy. OP should’ve asked the church lady…
We saw that on the cruise MIL was really looking forward to afternoon tea, and never got around to it. You would think Bob would have made sure she got that experience. It seems Bob cares more about Bob than anyone else–that’s his character flaw, too self-centered. The feelings of others don’t seem to be on his radar.
Granted, we’re all just speculating here….
You are good!
Yes we are, indeed.