All I’m willing to state with 100 percent certainty is that I would not marry Bob.
Which is good since he is already taken.
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I appreciate hearing all the perspectives. I personally think that mil should have asked sil and her son to join us for this Christmas gathering she and Bob are hosting on the 22nd. Even if she knew sil wouldn’t attend . And, maybe we should tell mil that we are going to her town to visit sil after Christmas. I’m leaving that up to dh and sil.
It is an interesting question to wonder how sil would react if we all thought this man was delightful. Would she still be unhappy about mil’s newfound relationship? Idk. Sil did sell her home and move to mil’s town (only a 30-minute move) after her own husband died, but she says she would have done that anyway. Now, she might not have chosen a home quite so close to mil. There is an overarching lack of trust of Bob. He just seems like a, “taker.” Only concerned with his needs.
The news from today is that my dh is REALLY irritated with mil. Remember today was the day he was driving her to her town to go through the house AND to bring her car here on Sunday. Well…after they got on the road she told him she was NOT bringing her car back this trip because there was not room in their garage at the CCRC for it. Too much crapola of Bob’s. I swear, I have no idea what they do all day because they’ve supposedly been cleaning out for weeks (months?). She brought a second large empty suitcase to bring more clothes back, but didn’t bother to tell dh she wasn’t bringing the car back until they were on the road! Bringing back the car, helping her clear some stuff, and getting his dad’s memorabilia were the main reasons dh took a half day off work. So he was expecting to have two cars to use for bringing what he wanted and whatever she wanted back here. He told me he really got after her. Told her they have no idea how much is involved in moving and that it seems they have done precious little to get the CCRC home ready for a final move-in. Bob has a TON of books and things crammed in the garage. There are two desks that need to be donated as another example. But there are tons of books and academic papers from his professor days. Dh told her there might not be room to bring back her china which sil packed up for her. “What will we eat our Christmas meal on?” Good grief!! Who cares?? You clearly knew you weren’t going to bring your car back but you didn’t bother to tell dh that! He assumed there would be plenty of room!
Bob has a bunch of furniture, and she is bringing in more. But, it seems he is not very willing to part with much of his stuff. He has a bunch of tiny little, spindly tables. A big ol’ hodgepodge of random furniture. It just seems that he expects mil to part with many of her things, but he won’t do the same.
In a bit of good news two different people are coming to look at her house tomorrow. Not listed. Just word of mouth in the neighborhood.
Sorry this post was rather rambling and disjointed.
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Just when I find myself trying to give Bob or MIL the benefit of the doubt that they are happy and thinking through things and operating as a couple, a post like this brings me right back to not trusting/liking the situation!! A feeling frustrated for you and your family. 
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Sounds like both Bob and MIL need to purge. Both need a dumpster, and maybe a POD…or a storage unit.
Their house at the CCRC is going to look like a hoarders house if someone doesn’t start to remove things before MIL brings her things there.
My opinion…I wouldn’t pay a dime to live there until there was room for some of my stuff. This means…some of Bob’s stuff needs to GO.
Perhaps your husband should leave MIL in her old house and then he can just fill his car with the things he wants. It sounds like MIL created this problem…and your DH had a plan that shouldn’t be screwed up.
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Bob continues to demonstrate what a selfish butthead he really is.
They’re both behaving like 14 yr olds. I feel for your DH and his sister. Trying to reason with somebody who’s being unreasonable is super frustrating.
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Sounds like the honeymoon is already over. Scaling down is really tough for older folks, especially if they have been in their homes for a long while and have attachments to things. Frankly, they should have done this prior to getting married but obviously that ship has sailed.
If I were your husband, I’d bring back exactly what I wanted and mom would be SOL. Especially since he took time off of work to do this.
Doesn’t sound like MIL is a good communicator which may be why there is so much angst with her daughter.
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Exactly. Maybe this is a good time to leave mom in her old house. She can decide what she really wants to take, and perhaps get rid of other things that her two kids don’t want.
I think your DH and SIL should take the things MIL will give to them that they want NOW and remove them from MILs house. Then MIL needs to make three piles…Toss, Donate, Move.
This is her show. She needs to step up.
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Nasty but dh could just leave his mother in her house, and she could tell Bob to come get her and her things. She could also hire a driver to bring down her car, loaded. That is the simplest solution.
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I get that MIL and Bob are older, they are in love, etc. but they both seem self centered to me. They created the situation and now expect others to drop everything and make things happen…
I also think MIL could have/ should have invited SIL and nephew to celebrate the holiday with them.
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What will everybody eat their Christmas meal on? There’s always regular everyday plates. Or paper plates.
It appears that for your MIL, it’s going to be the All About Bob show, where Bob’s needs/wants come before everything else. Your DH must be so frustrated.
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My mom was preparing to move into a CCRC immediately prior to her death. She had started sorting things - but they were all things in the upper levels of her house. In the basement were boxes and boxes of family “memorabilia”. Photos of people that I don’t know; notebooks from my grandfather’s mortuary science studies (eek!), documentation from my father’s time as a university administrator (CYA), documents from the settlement of my great-grandparents estate (which was bitter). I am still working on this mess. I think for the most part, Mom didn’t know what to do with things so she just let them sit. We moved out of our house (which was also full of stuff) and now I have endless boxes in the basement. I don’t want our D to have to deal with all of this, so wrapping this up is my 2026 goal.
You might consider if a professional might be of assistance. In my community we have several companies that assist with downsizing. Given that households are being blended, a neutral individual might help both Bob and MIL - of course once your DH and SIL have what they want. That might keep MIL “on task” as well.
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In the genre of “we all do things differently”, while I agree that this house/stuff thing is truly a circus and annoying, I would not be able to tell my mom “welp, I’m taking what I want, filling my car and you can just call Bob to come get you”. Or say “I’m not coming to visit you until you get rid of some of this stuff”. Of course, my mom was a kind person and would not want to make things harder for us but mom would get a lot of free passes on decisions that might annoy me - I just respected her that way. I get that @Hoggirl MIL is not being very reciprocal with her respect but also “we” just don’t know all the circumstances! Maybe she really wants the car but Bob says no.
All this is happening because they just insisted on moving so fast with the sole goal of being living physically together (or maybe having MIL’s$$$ on the CRC….) and not on the other life logistics. I wonder if MIL could just walk away from her house and it’s contents and not look back?
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I couldnt just leave my mother there to fend for herself either. This is a big undertaking for anyone, much less for an elderly woman who may not be firing on all cylinders.
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I’ve been sitting on a comment for a couple of weeks, but I guess today is the day. 
I don’t know what kind of 86yos y’all know, but I feel like some posters are expecting a LOT from these old folks. They “should” do this. MIL “ought” to be the one to do that. I don’t care that Bob has a PhD or that MIL mostly presents as having it together, they are OLD. O-L-D.
They clearly aren’t making the best decisions. That could be because they are acting like teen-agers and in love/lust, but even that behavior could be an indication that they are losing it. I’m going to trust that OP’s dh will not leave his mom at her house 3+ hours away with no way to get home because of a few boxes.
@Hoggirl hope the showings go well!
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Wowza!
I am truly surprised at the suggestions that my dh just leave mil in her home. She wouldn’t truly be stranded because her car is there, so she could drive herself back to the CCRC. She does not like driving on the interstate by herself, however. I cannot see his doing that, but I sure will tell him that folks on here are suggesting it. I think he’ll appreciate the support.
I don’t think there is much that dh wants to bring. I’m guessing a couple of small boxes. I did tell him that he needed to prioritize getting the things he wants out of her house. Her china is low on the priority list. Apparently that second suitcase is large. Dh has a small SUV, but he wasn’t counting on another suitcase and only one vehicle returning.
Whoever said they are acting like 14-year-olds nailed it. That is exactly what Friend L said - they are acting like teenagers. As someone else wrote, I, too, have wondered if she’d just like to walk away from the house. At one point, there was some discussion if the house might be seen by a prospective buyer before this weekend. That didn’t happen, but there was lots of chatter on the group chat about if the housekeeper had come. Mil said she definitely would need to before the house was shown and wrote, “because we left it pretty trashed, and I didn’t even care.”
I, too, have wondered if Bob wants her to get rid of her car.
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Agree with the situation or not, maybe the greatest gift you give is to let MIL (and Bob) have this “last” hurrah. This chance at living and not being alone if that is what they want.
Maybe it severs relationships a bit, maybe you don’t get to see MIL as you want but you are giving her the gift of something new in life at age 86 or whatever- something many do not get the chance for. Picture yourself - at 66 I still want new things, new explorations, new people - while keeping my old. What a gift it would be to have that at 86.
It’s sort of a letting a college freshman go and spread their wings - just 70 years later. 
(And with all this you can certainly not agree with it, grit your teeth at it etc - the gift is helping her achieve the choice - and then giving her the space to live. )
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In terms of logistics, perhaps SIL could take some of the items she will eventually receive to her home for safekeeping until there is room at MIL and Bob’s home. That day may never come, but SIL would have the table and prints she wants. Once any sentimental and valuable items are removed, then just hire someone to come and empty the house. Dealing with all of this is straining an already fragile relationship between MIL and her children - is it worth it?
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Oh, once everything is out that anyone wants, someone will definitely be brought in to deal with the rest.
Here are pics of where they have placed their new sofa because of space constraints 
:
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Re: Bob possibly wanting MIL to get rid of her car -
That would definitely make it easier to control MIL’s comings & goings, easier to restrict her movement in & out of the CCRC, + make her dependent on him to drive her to the places she wants/needs to go.
It would also make it harder for her to have an ‘out’ if there were a situation like spousal/elder abuse. I’m saying that will happen…it’s just something that’s been on my mind re: all the different ‘quirks’ that you’ve mentioned about Bob. He likes things his way and if it’s not his way, then it ain’t happenin.’
In the couple of years leading up to my MIL’s passing, she was definitely NOT interested in sorting through hardly any of her stuff. Even despite pleas and begging from my husband & his sister, she refused. She started to say stuff like “Oh it doesn’t really matter” and “somebody else can sort it out after I’m dead.” My husband even told her, “But this is going to create so much work for my sister & I. Don’t you want to go through it? Don’t you care that we’re going to have to deal with all of this ourselves?” and she said, “Nope! Because it won’t matter at that point…because I won’t be here.”
…meanwhile, for quite awhile, she refused to let my husband or his sister start that process of going through her things & making decisions on what to keep, toss, donate.
Thinking about YOUR situation, though, some options to consider could be:
- suggest to MIL that she could rent out a storage unit and move ALL of her entire house’s belongings into the storage unit. That’ll be $$$/month. But it’s an option if she truly doesn’t want to deal with any of it.
- suggest that she first focus on the things she’ll need to live at Bob’s house at the CCRC. It’ll soon become apparent to her that he’ll be treating her basically as a tenant in his house, not as a partner, but that’s another story for another day.
- THEN once she’s more interested in really selling the house, suggest/help her de-personalize the house. This means removing all of the personal photos from the home. And removing any…um…unusual pieces of art or decorative items (the monkey paintings, for example). House absolutely should get a deep clean by a professional cleaning service before it’s shown to anyone.
- IF the house is to be sold in a private sale, she should consider doing certain things to protect herself from a legal & liability stand point. For example, pay out of her own $$ to have a house inspection done BEFORE she accepts any offers from people. Most home owners, if they’ve lived in a house for a long time, don’t realize what items are in more need of repair and it would be unfortunate if she discovered last minute that the place needs a new HVAC unit or new roof or whatever.
- Emphasize w/her that it’s her life and she can make her own decisions on this. AND also mention that while you & husband are happy & willing to help, you both are busy and husband won’t necessarily be able to take off work at a moment’s notice in order to pick her up and drive her 3 hr one way to handle an errand at her house. Set the expectations & your boundaries now. And be prepared to say no several times and have her frustrated with you guys.
I think it’s notable that she said she didn’t care that the house was trashed. That tells me that she’s ready to walk away entirely from her old life and start over with Bob. So…it IS an option for her to consider that once she’s removed the stuff she wants from the house AND once your husband & sister in law have the stuff that THEY want…your MIL could just donate & toss literally everything else.
Seriously.
All of the kitchen stuff she no longer needs or wants? Donate it to a local refugee support non-profit or womens’ shelter. Places like that need regular houseware stuff for people who are starting out with nothing.
Salvation Army won’t take all furniture, so just be aware of that.
Books she no longer wants? Donate them all to your local library.
Clothing? Donate to a nonprofit. But throw out anything that’s torn, has holes in it, is stained, etc.
Probably be prepared to hire a big construction dumpster and literally throw a lot of stuff out. And/or use a junk hauler like 1-800-GOT-JUNK.
It’s a process that isn’t going to happen overnight. It took us 2-3 months of 2x/week 180 mile round trips to my MIL’s house to go through everything before the place could be sold.
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Or call an estate sale company. They will do all/most of the work. The ones around here leave places empty and generally clean and people can wipe their hands of all the work (carting all that stuff to a shelter or goodwill or whatever). Just an option.
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