I’ve only been hassled about not drinking when I was at a bar with an obnoxious person (friends shielded & protected me) and also when I was pledging a sorority (I didn’t stick with it and dropped out when they were bothering me during finals week).
Really, it should never be anyone’s business what people choose to drink or not drink, eat or not eat, unless it’s something dangerous.
That said, in this case, it seems MIL was trying to be hospitable and considerate, so acknowledging that would be kind.
His son and wife were nice. Easy to talk to. Learned a bit more about the health challenges the son has had. He had three open heart surgeries in three years. He also has Alpha Gal.
Garage is still full of crapola. Nothing has been sorted/culled. We didn’t talk much about the moving of the furniture she wants and moving that and the car and the stuff until the very end of the evening. Bob was not around. In the garage with his son looking at something on the car. Mil claims she wants to bring her car next trip which will be after the first of the year. I asked about the garage. Mil laughed (!!!) and said, “That’s a Bob problem.” My dh just said, I don’t think you two are on the same page about that at all.”
Yes, she did, but it wasn’t bad. Asked if this was a temporary or forever thing. I told her I didn’t know/was undecided. The wife of the son said she’d stopped drinking in September, but had started up again. I kinda wanted to ask if it was because of Bob and mil , but I did not.
As far as the car/garage issue goes, I think it’s all going to come to a head once she gets her house under contract and has a closing date. There is continued interest being expressed, but people are wanting to come look after the holidays. Which is understandable
I am assuming they are not allowed to leave cars in the driveway long term. There is room for a car to be in their driveway - it’s full-length. My understanding is that there are often complaints about the lack of visitor parking at the CCRC, so I don’t know how feasible parking in visitor parking would be. I imagine that any long-term use of that would be frowned upon given that they DO have a two-car garage.
My belief is that he wants her to get rid of her car. Either because he wants more control or perhaps simply because he is selfish and/or a semi-hoarder and doesn’t want to get rid of his own stuff.
I understand that on paper, it’s not our problem, but as others have said, these folks are old. OLD old. I think dh thinks it would be fine if she got rid of her car. The consensus among the women folk (sil, Friend L, and myself) is that only serves as a way to give him more control. She would have to ask to use his car. The CCRC has shuttles, but they don’t run folks to private appointments. They do church runs and store runs, etc. But they are regularly scheduled and for groups.
Is her car the same size and ease of driving as his car? I only ask because I hate driving my husband’s car. I far prefer my own. Of we were going to get rid of a car in the Thumper family, we would be getting rid of DH’s. Mine is newer and I think better to drive!
Right. Even if they reduce possessions to one car (kinda understandable), who is to say the car they get rid of is MIL’s? It could be Bob’s car if they only want one car. Plus, he already is using half the garage for his other belongings.
The longer the MIL’s car stays idle back at her house, the more chance that it will need a jump or a new battery. She can’t just assume it will for sure be ready to drive when she’s ready to move it.
My mom drove late into life but also became very wedded to her own car. Someone hit her car in a parking lot at one point, and her insurance gave her a loaner while it was being repaired, and it was a VERY stressful experience for her. As someone who rents cars with some regularity, I totally appreciate how familiarity with the car increases confidence. So on this one, it’s not necessarily about access to a vehicle but access to a vehicle MIL is comfortable with. Bob’s gonna have to give on this one!
I always think that it’s best to have at least two of: familiar car, familiar route, calm/happy emotions - for drivers who may not be at their peak ability.
Speaking from my experience with a range of elderly family members- it’s NEVER just about the car. There are a lot of emotions tied up with the vehicle- even for someone who has pretty much stopped driving and it just sits in the driveway until a grandchild comes to visit and takes it for a spin to keep the battery alive. And a key consideration for many is the ability to keep the car once they move into some sort of community/assisted living situation. Even if they find a combination of Uber/family member/the van much easier, safer and more convenient. I talked myself blue in the face with one family member about the expense of owning a car (for someone who was probably driving less than 10 miles a week). Doesn’t matter.
So Bob has HIS fantasy that MIL will give up her car. MIL has HER fantasy that Bob will clean out the garage to make room for her car. What will happen? Can’t predict at this point. But even without knowing the parties involved, I’d say the practicality of transportation isn’t really what this is about. Any 20 something can run you a spreadsheet showing how much cheaper it is to give up a car and take uber unless you are driving a gazillion miles a week or live somewhere where taxis, uber, Lyft etc. are unreliable at peak hours.
Definitely been our experience. The absolute hardest thing is giving up the car!
And the thing that they are most stubborn about
Another issue with my mom was her moving to a new area. She never did get comfortable going places because it wasn’t familiar
She gave up her car, it was sold. Now she is feeling a little bit better and is making noises about driving again. No one is going to help her do that so it seems just something to complain about. But I know it was the single hardest part of aging. Not driving. Not having a car.
She doesn’t feel “comfortable” using the CCRC bus. Or calling uber. Or having things delivered. Sigh!
