First it’s “I can’t sit around all day waiting for my groceries”. Then you show them- do you want 8-9 am? 11-noon? 6-7 pm? You get to pick a slot.
Then it’s “I need to pick out my own produce”. Then you show them that you can choose “ripe bananas” or “avocado I can eat in three days” or whatever.
Then it’s “sometimes I don’t remember what I need until I’m at the store”. So you show them the “you bought this a month ago” feature– which is the automated reminder that you’re almost out of toothpaste/canned tomatoes/laundry detergent.
It’s MUCH more convenient to have an adult child spend 8 hours a day on their feet at work, then drive 20 minutes to pick you up, then take you grocery shopping, shlep the bags into your apartment, etc. and then drive half an hour home… then it is for you to allow the same adult child to click a webpage for ten minutes to get your groceries delivered. Ahum. Much more convenient!
Sometimes these trips are their lifeline to people. My mom loved to chat up the pharmacists, and she lost that once we started having her Rxs delivered.
I don’t disagree. But before exhaustion sets in among the folks who are keeping the system going– some truth-telling might be in order.
My point is just that there’s a LOT tied up in the decision to give up the car- even for someone who barely drives, even for someone who has great transportation options, even for someone who really doesn’t want to be driving anymore (vision not so great, reflexes not so sharp, etc.)
So in this situation, it’s probably not two rational adults asking “do we really need two cars”.
H is nearly the same age as MIL & Bob. He just got a brand new car, the 1st new car he’s gotten in the over 40 years we’ve known each other. He’s fond of his new expensive car and I’m glad he got what he wanted (although now he envies the car his neighbor has and was making noises about giving this car to D and buying another brand new car). I vetoed that idea and told him that we could get D a newish used car from a car rental place or similar and that would be sufficient. (None of us drive long distances and we keep cars forever.)
My MIL was ‘delivery resistant’ for a very very long time until finally my husband said he wasn’t taking her grocery shopping anymore and she’d have to figure something else out. She used one of the grocery store scooters, which was very helpful, BUT she would select the items on her list in the order that she wrote them on the list.
this meant that she’d backtrack from 1 end of the store to another multiple times. The entire process of just being IN the store would take her 1.5 hours.
MIL then convinced a still-driving friend to take her every week. And eventually, that friend got tired of the nonsense. Friend told MIL that from there onward, she’d have to place an online order ahead of time for them to do “store to curb” drop off (where they deliver it to your car in the parking lot in a designated parking space). So because it was somebody other than a relative putting the boundaries up, MIL caved and went along with it.
As @blossom has said, it’s not about the car. It’s about keeping some control over your life
I’ve suggested the pick up or delivery option. I’ve said that I would order and have it delivered. Nope, resistance to all the options other than them going and doing it themselves. I almost feel that my mil is mocking me for suggesting that there were options other than her going to the grocery.
This isn’t about that, I’m tired. I don’t need to be talking about my situation. It’s not about the car, just as much as it’s not about the garage.
And as much as I would like to make it my business (in my own life) I am not in control as much as I would like to solve their problems.
In a way, I do understand preferring to shop in person instead of deliveries. I personally like to shop for my own groceries rather than having deliveries as well, but hate inconveniencing others.
For context…my dad was an interste truck driver as his career…and he drove millions of miles with no citations, not even a parking ticket.
He voluntarily gave up his drivers license and titled his car to a relative. Of course, this happened when I was staying with him! I asked him if he was sure, and he clearly said, he knew his reflexes weren’t what they had always been. He didn’t want to put that to the test. He was 78 years old when he gave up his beloved car, and turned in his driver’s license.
My mother agreed to move to AL after dad passed because she knew that with her dementia it wasn’t safe for her to live at home alone.
But she insisted on keeping her car. It was parked in the lot outside of her unit at AL and every morning she looked out the window to make sure it was there. She did this throughout the day, but she never actually drove the car ( or wanted to). My brother and nephew took her shopping in the car and my sister and I drove her in it when we were in town visiting. She just wanted to know she had her car.
So I get what everyone says about delivery or even store pick-up (which I used quite a bit as s working mom!) Personally, I love the convevience!
But again, using my mom as a focus group of one, the process of dealing with substitutions can be wildly tricky and off-putting, and when a list is short and one or two items don’t “work”, the depression-era mindset locks onto the poor value of delivery charges. (Ask me how I know!)
It’s been YEARS since a squeeze tube of peanut butter was substituted for a jar, but because she has issues with a hand, that simply didn’t work – she can’t squeeze a tube – and we are STILL hearing about it. She may select items based on ease of opening or storing or some other criteria that never crossed my mind, like the need for the milk jug to have a handle. In fact, my shopping services also involve unscrewing lids, slicing hunks of cheese, uncorking wine, removing the plastic seals from face cream jars, etc.
Which is all to say why it’s easier to ask a trusted friend or family member to fulfill the not large, but oh-so-explicit order over trying to get all those ridiculous specs into the app.
We spend decades with a car as a lifeline to people, experiences and things. Whether we are driving or not. When you are losing so much in older life, it must feel so defeating to not even be able to pick out the bananas you want. Because it’s breaking the habits and routines of a lifetime.
I understand the hardship for family members to be relied on when there are easier options like delivery. And in many situations taking someone shopping just is not doable.
But I also feel for the elderly person losing this piece of independence. Or the hope of not losing it all. Like still seeing the car out the window.
I’ll also say that I learned so much about my Mom by taking her to the grocery store once a week. She became alive pushing that cart down the aisles. Making her own choices with her own money. I would not follow her around. I would get my own cart and wander and give her independence in the store. But I would See her chatting it up with people she knew or store workers. It was purposeful AND social.
My mother knew everyone at the grocery store, especially in the pharmacy. During covid the governor asked everyone to only go to the grocery store once a week. That didn’t work for my mother and often went to 3 stores in one day; of course, not much else she could do during covid as there were no restaurants open and she never got the hang of making reservations for church so she started going only on weekdays when no reservation was needed.
When she broke her hip, i was doing all the errands and she didn’t understand that i didn’t want to go to the grocery store 3 times a day, nor did I care that butter might cost $.50 more at one store than another or that the cat might not have a can of food (she had crunchy food, just not a can). One day I woke up and there were breakfast burritos. I asked who got them and she said she did, drove herself over and got them.
My dad was the same way, until one day he misjudged the time and got lost going home in the dark from a supermarket with a sale. It took him three hours to get home 5 miles away. And that’s the last time he drove.
I posted somewhere here before that he carried huge amounts of cash to pay victims of fender-benders. I can only hope he never killed anyone.
My dad only stopped driving because he was told the CCRC insisted or they’d have to leave. He was definitely dangerous far before than but no one could get him to stop even though we were all happy to drive him anywhere & everywhere. It was a great relief when he stopped driving.
One day, while he was still driving, he lost mom AND his car! All family members were enlisted to search the area where he and mom last were and where he may have parked the car. Mom was found at Macy’s where she lost sight of him and just remained there. They eventually found the car parked somewhere.
please bring it generally back to topic soon.