<p>Parents…need your advice here and please give your honest opinion. D confided in me last night that her boyfriend who is a senior is going to the beach with four of his friends for graduation week. Hotel room at a very large and well known hotel has been booked, deposit paid, and there will be NO adult chaperones…I know I sound silly but I was a teenager once and I remember what I saw during graduation week but I don’t want to tell her!!! </p>
<p>D has been dating him for almost one year…basically no drama in their relationship, they have gotten along very well, are dating each other exclusively, his parents are pretty much like us with rules and expectations so life has been good.</p>
<p>Now her boyfriend has decided to be “honest” with her and told her there will be drinking that week (even though the boys are all under eighteen)…I know I am sounding like a real “fuddy duddy” here but part of the reason she chose to date HIM was because soooo many of the kids at her HS engage in underage drinking, smoking weed, sexual activity, and who knows what else and he presented himself as one that was no longer doing that because he wanted to “date a nice girl for a change”…his words exactly. I don’t understand why he can’t go to the beach for graduation with his friends and have a great time without the drinking because I think she knows he will make bad choices because of it as he has done this in the past before they started dating. The boys he will be with are known for hard drinking and partying and he has pulled away from them over the last year due to dating our D and also because his parents did not approve of them. </p>
<p>Am I being unrealistic to tell her that she should prepare herself to be disappointed by his behavior that week? I feel that now the school year is almost over and he is off to college life in the Fall, that she has served her ‘purpose’ for him by helping and encouraging him to stay on the straight and narrow. This time last year before they started dating he was not doing well in school or at home according to his parents. Why would they make him follow their rules about no drinking and partying and hitting the books all year and then send him packing to the beach with all expenses paid with the very four boys they have tried to keep him away from???</p>
<p>Our D is not perfect…no kid is but her boyfriend knows her feelings towards these things yet he insists he loves her and will not drink to the point of being out of control, blah-blah-blah. We were planning on going to the beach that week also but now I am thinking if we do that she will be more stressed about what his going on where he is at and maybe we should stay home. I know they are young and I am very doubtful they will stay together long enough to get married which is why I think she should be honest with him and tell him if he chooses to drink and do who knows what at the beach, then that will show her that he does not respect her. What do you all think??? We have tried very hard too raise a daughter that has morals and values and she is very sweet and trusting and all he has told her all year is how beautiful and sweet she is and how he respects that but it seems he is to be held to a different standard. OK I’m through rambling…sorry.</p>
<p>"Am I being unrealistic to tell her that she should prepare herself to be disappointed by his behavior that week? "…You are not being unrealistic…sounds very realistic.</p>
<p>I was afraid the issue was going to be whether or not your D could join him for the 4 day beach party. I think he and his parents are responsible for him and his behavior, while you and yours for you and yours. I do wonder how these kids get to their beach party and survive it. An event that is deemed successful if nobody dies or gets arrested is too stressful for me.</p>
<p>If your D is honest with herself, she will realize that they just do not share the same values and she would be saving herself from a lot a pain if she starts to prepare herself emotionally for an end to this relationship NOW - not wait until the actual “behavior” occurs when she can blame it on some thing else and when emotions will be much more escalated. Neither is responsible for the other’s behavior but neither should be resorting to ultimatums to keep their relationship going (“if you loved me you would change and not do things I do not approve of” or “if you loved me you would accept me for what I am and let me do things you do not approve of”). Seems like now is a good time for both to move on…</p>
<p>Lots of drinking will occur and probably some stupid actions as a result. If your D is really against this kind of behavior then she will definitely be disappointed that he chose his own wishes over hers. It is an immature decision on his part but one that is hard to resist. H.S boys make a lot of those (I know this first hand as a Mom of 2S’s). Since there is absolutely nothing she can do to change that part, she will have to decide for herself if this is a deal-breaker in their relationship.</p>
<p>He’s getting ready to be a college student. Your daughter is still in high school. I think she should break up with him if this kind of behavior bothers her, because, face it, it’s going to become the “business as usual” behavior when he gets to college.</p>
<p>I agree that she will be disappointed in his behavior - honesty notwithstanding. However, I disagree with anything that smacks of “If you do this, it means you don’t respect me.” It doesn’t, and will only give him the chance to get angry at her, and to throw it back at her. I think it is more truthful to say, “If you do this, it means you don’t respect yourself. I need to respect the guy I’m with, and if you don’t respect yourself, how can I?”</p>
<p>When I was in high school, I dated a college kid for the summer. He got into drugs. I told him that I couldn’t see him if he did that. He said, “You can’t tell me what to do.” I said, “I’m not. I’m telling you what I am going to do. You can make your own decisions.” For a while, he stopped. He went back again, and I left.</p>
<p>Trust me, the boyfriend probably doesn’t want your D around during the trip anyway. What self-respecting male would bring “the ol’ ball & chain” to tag along on a weekend with his buddies anyway?! Her going, even separately, is akin to having someone’s GF along on a bachelor party trip to Vegas. Let them have their fun, while y’all stay home or go elsewhere.</p>
<p>I agree with what others are saying. At first, I thought you were writing about your D joining him but that is not the case. I think what he does on his own time is his business and the concerns are more for his parents to deal with. I don’t think his going shows disrespect to your daughter and she cannot control the choices he is making for HIMSELF. The only thing your D can do is to decide if she wants to be with someone who makes certain choices that she is not into. If she cares a lot about this and they have less in common this way, then she has to think whether to stay in it or not. If he only engages in this behavior that week with his high school pals and never with her, it may be all right to her and maybe it isn’t. Only she can decide. </p>
<p>Frankly, school is ending soon and I think once they go off to college (or maybe only he is the one graduating?), the likelihood of staying together is not that great anyway.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for your words of wisdom and sorry to hear about that boyfriend…I had a few like that myself. Yes, you are totally on the mark that there is nothing she can say to make him act a certain way and I want so much for her to see that but I think she is clinging to the hope that he can drink and party and be responsible. I too raised a son who is now 26 and let me tell you he put us through the ringer but has/is turning out to be a responsible young man so I know what they are capable of after a few drinks and a night of partying…not pretty.</p>
<p>Art…I love the “ol ball & chain” comment as I do have a sense of humor and do agree that she would put a cramp in his style if she were to run into him that week and that could make things worse…nothing worse than a clingly female! I personally would love for her to have the opportunity to see at his worst so there would be no denying that at this age the love they think they havev is very conditional and prone to change at any moment. Just trying our best to raise a girl and not have her do a 360 here her last year of high school. She said that sometimes she feels she is the “long ranger” in her choices not to drink, smoke weed, or sleep around. I feel bad for her.</p>
<p>Congratulations on raising a child who thinks for herself and follows her own guidance, regardless of how popular or unpopular it is. Being a lone ranger in a crowd of reckless followers is not a bad thing.</p>
<p>Our son was in a similar position in high school. By senior year, he had lots of “friends” on a shallow level from years of sports, music, and other activities. But would “hang” with only 2 or 3 kids because the rest of his “friends” were out getting wasted (and suspended from their teams, some of them).</p>
<p>Fast forward to college: he has tons of friends, many of whom drink sometimes, but getting wasted is not the central focus of any of their social lives. These are kids for whom high-school will not forever be their glory years.</p>
<p>Please tell you daughter, if you haven’t already, that those who tell her that these are the best years of her life are very mistaken (or sadistic!). Some of us just have to get through high school to get to the rest of our, better lives.</p>
<p>Attention to all of you that posted a reply to my plea…she just broke up with him. I am surprised but not disappointed…not sure what to say to her cause I don’t want to make things worse…I will just try and listen. What really hurts is that the girl he now likes has a bad reputation and everyone knows it…it’s like a slap in the face that having morals doesn’t pay off although we know in the long run it will. She is on the phone with a good friend and I heard her tell her that they will still be friends but omg…she is crying and saying how much she will miss his company because they have spent a lot of time together over the last 11 months…my heart breaks for her and if you knew her your heart would break too. They are 16 & 17 and so young but you remember when you were this age and you thought you were “in love”. </p>
<p>She found out that he has been talking to another girl and showing interest in her and when she asked him about it he admitted it and…well that was all it took. I am proud of her for not trying to hold onto him and I am glad they are out of school tomorrow. I want to go to his house and punch him in the face and say “I knew you weren’t sincere when you first started dating her but I had to let her see it for herself”! Thanks everyone for listening and for your advice…some of you must have known this was coming.:(((((</p>
<p>MallomarCookie…I could just throttle him but in my heart I know he is just 17 and is only acting his age. D is just too trusting and this is her first bfriend, first real heartbreak, you know the story. I want to do something to make it all better when in reality I know this is just the beginning. I told her how proud I am of her because I know she can let go and walk away with respect for herself because she never compromised her values.</p>
<p>Sharon, it hurts now but it is just a learning experience. She discovered what sort of boy she likes and which aspects are important to her and what behaviors are OK for her and which are not. Perhaps as much as they are fond of one another, they didn’t have enough in common. I don’t think the fact that he was going away on an all boy drinking celebration was the thing that did it in. She could have chosen to accept a boyfriend who did that or not. But apparently the boy sounds interested in someone else, perhaps someone whose values are more akin to his own or who wouldn’t question his choices. That is what dating is about. The fact is…the weekend aside…it sounds like maybe the relationship was going to not last as the boy was maybe seeking other girls, who knows. Your D will be hurt and upset, which is hard to see but in the long run, she’ll grow from the experience and be able to figure out what she wants in a boy the next time around and which factors are important to her and which are not. You could act sympathetic, but also discuss what she can learn from this experience and what sort of boy to hope to connect with the next time. There will be a next time.</p>
<p>Hazmat…yes indeedy there was a couple of girls in fact. She looked at his phone and saw several text messages to and from these girls and when she asked him about them, of course “there was nothing to them”. D Im’d the girls because she knows who they are (go to another school thank goodness) and she point blank asked them what was going on. Seems jerk bfriend has been contacting them wanting to “hook up” and they told her what he wouldn’t. As a parent I think we see these things coming before they do because most of us have been there and yes…I am looking forward to the college years over middle school cattiness and high school drama. D is a beautiful, intellingent, funny, loving girl and there is the right young man out there for her…someday. </p>
<p>Son is actually away for the weekend but will be pleased to find out she ditched him as he thought he was always up to something…I told him he probably thought that because he was just like him at 17. He agreed. Takes one to know one-they all eventually grow up it’s just hard to see your child so hurt at times like this.</p>
I personally would love for her to have the opportunity to see at his worst so there would be no denying that at this age the love they think they havev is very conditional and prone to change at any moment. Just trying our best to raise a girl and not have her do a 360 here her last year of high school. She said that sometimes she feels she is the “long ranger” in her choices not to drink, smoke weed, or sleep around. I feel bad for her.</p>