<p>Wow, Donleyc, hearing all of that just before bedtime would keep me awake too! Our experience has been somewhat similar. Sporadic, brief calls from my son for most of the past month, and just recently some longer conversations. He did email “I miss you guys a ton,” and told us he was almost “tearing up” on the phone talking to us on his birthday (this past Friday). I think he’s happy, busier than he has ever been, and he misses us greatly. He sometimes doesn’t call because he doesn’t want to be reminded of this pain. I have a feeling that once he can resolve these feelings, we’ll be hearing from him more regularly.</p>
<p>First of all, thank you so much to all of you who have shared your own experiences in this thread. You have no idea how much it helps me to read all of your bright and eloquent words as you express many of the same feelings I have been struggling with. Although our D, our only child, is now 9 weeks into her freshman year, I am still having many moments when I am “hit” with missing her so much. I sometimes still go into her room and sit on her bed and cry! Thank God, she is doing well academically and socially…she seems genuinely happy. I try very hard not to spill any of my sadness onto her…I do NOT want her to feel burdened by how hard this is for me. When she calls I choose words like " I am thinking about you so much" rather than “I really miss you” . We talked before she left and she was afraid of how homesick she would feel once at school. She was, I think, more reluctant to call at first because she was afraid of how pulled back she might feel if she heard my voice. Some of her HS friends also teased her about being an only child and predicted she would have a hard time evolving into independence. She seems to have proved them wrong.She calls about every other day now, and I tell her how proud we are and how much we love her. I just avoid the phrase " I miss you" because she indicated it was a trigger for her.<br>
As the president of Tufts said so beautifully, this is not the same experience for us as it is for them. My H misses our daughter too, although he seems to be moving much more quickly in the direction of how much freedom we have to do things. I am not quite there yet. I know this is an insane question because everyone here has a different relationship with their college-age son or daughter, but how long do you think the ache lasts for most parents?</p>
<p>Donna–</p>
<p>Boy, that ache! Like you I was in pure mourning during most of fall when our daughter left home. </p>
<p>That was 1998. Looking back I can see that there was a slow change for the better after fall semester. Sophomore year still seemed strange and lonely, but not agonizing. Junior year much better as we woke up to the idea that she was beginning to turn into an adult! Now, eight years out, there’ll always be that nostalgia and brief longings for children in our home again. But I just love my new relationship with our adult daughter! Just trust that there is growth and change going on inside you even now. You won’t be an aberration–the only mom on earth stuck in grief forever!</p>
<p>Hi Donna, I think this gets better after the fall semester. Your D will return over winter break, you will reconnect, and then she will return and you will be sad again, but a little less because now you are moving into the new pattern of going and returning. This goes on, back and forth, and becomes a new normal.</p>
<p>I can really relate to your feelings as I also have one D, who is 1,000 miles away. She is a senior now. She has had some tough times at college, so be glad that your D is doing well. (The sadness is much worse when the college kid isn’t doing so well.)</p>
<p>I think it is very hard to have only one child at home and be very focused on that child’s well-being and schedule and then have that change. I got two new dogs in the last three years as my two older dogs died after my D started college and that has given me a focus.</p>
<p>This is like looking in a mirror.</p>
<p>Like bookiemom, my daughter is a senior in college. I also have a freshman son in college and one still at home. I had the hardest times her freshman year right after she left, when I saw a group of her friends at a homecoming game (she doesn’t have a fall break) and then when she left after her winter break. Something happened after that, and I became more comfortable with her being gone. </p>
<p>With my son it’s been easier because I’ve seen him three times since he started. When my last one leaves in four years I’m going to be a basket case.</p>
<p>I will admit to you all, I cheated :D, I am feeling pretty good this year with DD2 away at school. She is the one who always took the most energy- athlete, practices, driving everywhere, team mom, making cookies, knwoing teammates & coaches, etc.</p>
<p>BUT, while she is gone, I don’t miss her nearly as much as I thought I would, because DD1 is home in between undergrad and grad school- doing research at a local uni and saving $ mooching off us temporarily. I don’t mind at all, it is fun to hav eher around after 4 years away and I missed her and I don’t get as many empty moments to miss DD2.</p>
<p>I have been struggling with the “ache” since D started Tufts, 3000 miles away from home. I think about her constantly, when I am out shopping, when I drive by the high school, when I hear one of her favorite songs. She is very independent and doesn’t call too often. I know she is absolutely thrilled to be in Boston and loves her school, classes and many new friends. I remind myself that I should be incredibly proud and satisfied…and that helps some. I have never had to worry that she would be homesick…not in her nature. This transition is MUCH harder on me than her. </p>
<p>I still have a high school freshman son, but the relationship is different…no more, no less. Just different. I worry constantly that my son may see my missing his big sister as a comment on how I feel about him. I try to be extremely sensitive to how I behave or what I say in front of him. </p>
<p>Then, last weekend, we went to Parent’s Weekend. The “ache” seemed to subside briefly, having spent 3 days being a part of her world and getting to see just how happy and settled and grown-up she has become in just 8 weeks. What I saw was an adult with ideas and plans of her own and, sadly, I realize that she will come home less and less in the very near future. This is a kid on the go! She has always been like this, but it is even more apparent now. </p>
<p>She will come home for Thanksgiving this year; tho I doubt she will in future years. We planned the trip home for Thanksgiving even before she left for school, just in case. My guess is that the travel across country will be more cumbersome for a holiday weekend than it is worth to her. </p>
<p>Winter break will be split between home for 12 days, Israel for 10 days (Birthright trip) and back to Boston early for one of her a capella gigs. I am trying not to be selfish wanting her home for the entire time. </p>
<p>She has already announced her intent to come home for summer to work and make money, but will need to go back early to work with the a capella group for freshman orientation, recording, etc. I am already stressing that she will not come home the following summer… </p>
<p>So, the ache seems to wax and wane and I am tearing up just writing this.<br>
Dang, it is so hard to let go and let them fly when they are ready.</p>
<p>Thanks for letting me vent and for sharing your stories. It helps.</p>
<p>blucroo: It is also very tough to give them up when they are home…and off to adventures with their friends. We try, and it is not easy, to put no pressure on the kiddos and at least I know when they are with us, they want to be there!</p>
<p>somemom is right. S has always been an on the go, independent kid. Don’t think he blinked an eye when he left for college last year. Is paying his way through college himself on scholarships and a part-time job.</p>
<p>When he comes home, it’s just like h.s. again…off and running around to see other friends who are home or to go to some big event. It does sort of leave you with a kicked in the gut feeling when they breeze in, give you a hug and quickly breeze out again to find something more exciting to do than hang out with the boring parents. I remember being pretty much the same when I was in college. Like somemom said, I try not to put pressure on him to skip stuff with friends just to hang out here. What good would having him here be if he resented it?</p>
<p>I have heard others say that as they get older they spend more of their time at home actually at their home. I look forward to finding out but I’m not holding my breath.</p>
<p>I honestly can’t wait until my youngest goes away to college. Please don’t misunderstand, I love all my children dearly. I just truly believe that all my wife and I have done toward raising them has been with the goal of them going out on their own in sight. I hope we have prepared them well for that day. In the end though that’s what we have been preparing our children for.
Finally getting to that day should be a cause for joy and celebration for both our children and us.</p>
<p>wharfrat2: you are so right intellectually…but that doesn’t always jive with the emotional side. I am thrilled to have my D out and on her own so successfully (so far) but I still miss her. Can’t help the feelings. Just keep telling myself that I was exactly like her when I was that age. After my freshman summer, I never moved home again! I found great summer jobs in Santa Barbara (UCSB grad) and stayed thru graduation, then moved to Seattle for grad school. I think my D will do the same.</p>
<p>The Boy will be home in less than 24 hours for fall break!! I am so excited!!! The crew has said I can go to the airport THIS TIME as that I have agreed to try my hardest to not bawl like a baby when I see him. (Note I have a history of flooding the airport terminal with tears, hence the rule of “no mom at airports”).</p>
<p>His sis who is 2800 miles in the other direction is making noises wishing she was coming home same time as well but she already had her fall break. Other sibs have managed to get some time to show up this weekend as well so she is pouting big time!! </p>
<p>I figured its a dry run for Christmas when the whole gang will be here with friends and family in tow. House is really going to look like “The Shoe”!</p>
<p>Did I mention how wonderfully excited I am to see THE BOY?!</p>
<p>The kiddos have a running joke/snicker/tease that you know Mom loves you if you have drapes in your room (including their dorm rooms, and yes they all have drapes I hung in their dorm rooms and rooms at home). Soooo… I am off to iron his drapes! </p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>D is a little over the middle of a five-month span that will probably be her longest duration away from home during college…no Fall break, no Thanksgiving. The weekly phone calls and occasional e-mails help. But hearing the music in her voice as she describes what she’s doing makes it clear that she’s doing what she needs to be doing and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Her next block away from home and without visits will be only four-and-a-half months…all down hill after that.</p>
<p>I love my Bowflex!</p>
<p>well, i actually survived the first term better than i thought i would. however, i think i could use a little support this week. it has been wonderful–my youngest has been home for almost 3 weeks, and my oldest was home for 4-5 days at the same time. i have had the best holiday ever. </p>
<p>but now, i find myself getting really upset again at the prospect of everyone returning to their normal routines. i am so nostalgic for my childhood, for their childhood–i don’t think i’m normal! anyone else feeling this? </p>
<p>i don’t even mind the fact that we have had tons of kids in and out of our house at all hours of the day and night–and i know i am missing out on a lot of sleep, but i am enjoying it so much. </p>
<p>i thought that since i had survived the first quarter and all of the first goodbyes really well that returning for winter quarter would be a snap. i hope that this is temporary and that by next week i’m ok–but the last few days have been rough for me (no one knows this but you guys!) so i hope it gets better–maybe it’s just post-holiday blues!</p>
<p>isn’t there anyone out there in the same boat? thought i might find a shoulder to lean on for support…</p>
<p>or at least someone to shed a tear with!</p>
<p>i am struggling worse today than i did in August!</p>
<p>wbow
I was the youngest of 5. I watched my mom cry in Sept., after Thanksgiving, after Christmas, after spring break and then start all over again through each one of us…and again as we each got married!</p>
<p>My youngest D goes back Saturday…I am already getting upset and a bit possessive! She has been a little aloof during the holidays…I think it is her way of dealing with it, but it is hard on me. So no you are not alone! </p>
<p>I hate this growing up… I love what they have accomplished…maybe I need grandchildren! naw not yet!</p>
<p>My H doesn’t say much, but I know he is feeling it too, especially with the boys living on their own now.
I think it is harder now because the anticipation of something new for them is gone, they are just going back to school…and we know they are surviving without us!
When is d day for you?</p>
<p>my son leaves wednesday at 6 am. i am guessing that anticipation of the event is worse than the actual event…i am really dreading it. i have asked a friend to come along–we will stop for breakfast and then shop a little afterwards. i hope i can do it!</p>
<p>Good idea to take a friend and shop! We can do this…even if we don’t want to!!!</p>