<p>I just dropped my D off at Vanderbilt. What did you think of move in and the whole weekend?</p>
<p>well, i did it and i survived! we had a wonderful time together on campus before we had to leave, so it was a great experience. i warned him that if i walked away abruptly or vanished, he was not to worry–i would just be needing my privacy. so as the parents were dismissed, i hugged him, watched him hug his dad, then we turned and parted ways. he went to talk to some friends–i could hear him asking a question and then we were gone. the closer i got to home, the sadder i was, but now that day 2 is here, i’m doing a little better. good luck to the rest of you as you say your goodbyes!</p>
<p>I don’t know who posted this but I’d like to thank you for allowing me to remember my own thoughts. </p>
<p>I am the Susan Herrel that wrote that column several years ago. I barely remember it. Someone told me today that they found me by Google-ing my name so I was curious and Googled myself. I found this listing and re-read my words about when my children were teenagers. They’re now off – one in college; the other has graduated and is now a teacher on the East Coast. </p>
<p>For a lot of reasons, since I stopped writing the weekly column for the local newspaper, I haven’t been able to re-visit them and re-read what I wrote then. I am most definitely an Empty Nester now, having also been divorced in the meantime. When I read those words on this Website, tears came and will probably come again when I go home today. I may now take out the box of columns I wrote that often were written about the “trials and tribuations” of being a mother.</p>
<p>Thanks again.</p>
<p>I just opened this thread for the first time because I didn’t want to get too sad myself. This weekend we organized our son’s dorm, did the parents orientation and watched with teary eyes the convocation ceremony as our son became an official member of Roanoke College’s class of 2010. The whole weekend went very smoothly and we both left feeling that our son was where he belonged.</p>
<p>But now we’re home and I’m feeling sorry for myself. Our daughter is a senior in college and started her student teaching stint yesterday. I don’t know why, but I miss both kids equally as much. I should be used to her being gone! Neither has been inclined to call us much and are very nonchalent about their new locations. Intellectually, I know that it’s wonderful that they are comfortable and content, and I feel kind of silly to be sad… good to know that I’m not alone.</p>
<p>With much sadness, my husband and I will be dropping off our youngest daughter at school this weekend. She has always been a joyous child and has filled our home with happiness. I can’t imagine what it will be like without her here. My tears flow at the thought of saying so long. I’m only hoping that I will be cried out by the time we leave her. I don’t want to upset her as she follows her dreams to the next stage of her life.</p>
<p>Reading this thread has helped me know that I am not alone with my feelings. Thanks to everyone brave enough to share their feelings. It helps the rest of us. I am also fortunate to have friends that are going/have gone through the same thing…I think we’ll be crying together next week.</p>
<p>Udan - Well, welcome. Life does move on, doesn’t it.</p>
<p>kathiep, I also have a D who is a college senior, and a freshman son. I did fine last week after we dropped them both off (same college), probably because we were on the road back home, then spent two days at a friend’s cabin. This week my husband is away on a business trip and I’m home alone facing the empty nest. My son isn’t calling much, and today, feeling a little ashamed, I phoned him. At least it turned out to be a good time for him to chat. </p>
<p>I feel like things would be better if S would just call, say three times a week (like my daughter has done). My sense is that I should keep that sentiment to myself. But it’s hard right now.</p>
<p>my best advice would be to have an exit strategy. we had a parent’s meeting at 3 with our kids, then we were going to be dismissed as parents at 4. i told my son that i would hug him and kiss him, but if i left abruptly, it was because i wanted it to be over quickly. i didn’t want to drag out goodbyes and hugs and tears. we did all that already. so when the time came, we hugged, we got teary-eyed, then we turned and walked away. i could hear him talking to his friends and i just couldn’t look back. </p>
<p>the closer i got to home, the harder it was.</p>
<p>I’m the OP of “Last Summer Together a Disaster…Why?” My journey has been a long one, and at times a harsh one. However, if any have read my latest posts, we still had our teary good-byes; DS sobbed when it came time for us to leave. I had cried in the weeks prior to his departure. I cried myself to sleep. I cried while we were at his lovely college, a perfect fit for him in all respects. I felt that I just couldn’t keep tormenting myself and that my behavior was not productive.</p>
<p>In spite of my resolve, I find myself horribly empty and somber. I’m even too flat to really cry anymore. Although it’s not like a death (3 very close relatives have died, and I know the feeling), it still feels like one. DS is our only child…one we waited more than 14 years for…and now he’s gone. He calls us from time to time for pretty much bread-and-butter matters, but seems happy though subdued, and tells me that he welcomes my calls (when I tell him I don’t want to intrude on his new life). My husband and I feel the quiet; even our little dog seems grumpy and has started to chew the window sills 
something she’s never done before.</p>
<p>My husband and I feel like lost souls, because we were/are really hands-on parents. I remember how my dear parents felt when I left for college, and I knew that this day would come for us too…but it doesn’t make it any easier. I guess that we parents need to embrace even this painful experience as part of the texture of our lives…knowing that this moment of launch was one we were preparing our children for for so many years.</p>
<p>Hugs to all…</p>
<p>I understand. I never felt such anguish in my life until we came home after bringing S to school. The cat started peeing in all the wrong places. I’m making a slow comeback now. I feel reassured after talking to S because he is making good choices and solving problems and studying…</p>
<p>I thought I was doing really well after my now sophomore son headed off to college. I do wish he’d call more–last year was better for that–but I thought I had adjusted well. Then I was watching TV today, and on comes this commercial that shows a young boy playing a trumpet. (My son is a trumpet performance major.) Before I knew it, I was crying. Guess it just caught me off guard… :(</p>
<p>I hesitated just for a moment, before I started to read this thread, because I can still remember how I felt last year when our first son left for Yale. It does hurt, for a season, and yet, when you see how happy and engaged they become at school, the hurt diminishes and is replaced with joy. For they are on their way to discovering who they are, apart from us.</p>
<p>This year was easier- no tears at the airport, just hugs and “I love you’s”…then he was gone again. But as he walked away, I saw a confident young man instead of “my baby”. He was pumped about returning to college, not to get away from us, but to return to a new life he was creating within a framework of values we tried to instill. luckily, we still have one at home, but even so, my best advice is to stay busy and reconnect with people and family that may have been neglected during that busy senior year you just came through. </p>
<p>To those with sons, just remember that they are generally not terrific about using the phone. be patient!</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice about sons not using phones, as I expect that’s what will happen with mine. We fly him to Boston this week for his freshman year. He’s our only child. It’s obvious this week that he is really excited to get there and I am extraordinarily happy for him and proud of him. I thought it would be a simple and joyous task to do this but I have been a sobbing idiot all week (though not in front of him because I don’t want to make his last two days any more intense). I’m his dad by the way, since this forum seems to be dominated by moms. I already miss him so much and he’s still in the next room!
This is the ultimate role reversal in our family. My wife is usually the emotional one and she has been extremely subdued and level headed about it, though that could change this weekend.
A previous poster said it feels like a death, and to me that’s exactly what it feels like, even though it seems a little stupid on the face of it and this is a problem many parents would love to have.
I just hope this will all subside when he’s actually out of the house and I won’t have so many constant reminders.</p>
<p>Do your kids know how sad you are? I think I’d feel terrible (and guilty) if I thought my parents were feeling the way people on this thread are feeling. (if I were a kid) It never occurred to me that my parents would be moping and missing me, (we were very close…but I did go to boarding school first) but I would hope they’d know I was doing well and doing what they wanted me to do which is go to college in the first place. When my kids go off in a few years I know we’ll be sad and miss them, but I won’t let on how much. It would be too much for them, I think. I wouldn’t want them worrying about me when they’re supposed to be “launching” so to speak.</p>
<p>dke, I’m sure most of the parents here keep these feelings to themselves when their kids are around. That’s why we come here to share; it’s a safe place where other parents will understand. Thus we can get some of it out of our systems and still be upbeat around the kids. Speaking for myself, I am very proud of my sons and very happy for them and what they are doing and experiencing. And my moping around is actually very limited. I have plenty to keep me busy–got to earn money to pay that college tuition! :)</p>
<p>dke,
Theres room for all of that in one mind—you are proud, excited for them, for yourself, reflecting on the years gone by and those to come, sad too, its a loss but one can feel sadness and joy over the same process. Our oldest just left for Boston today and I remember that when he went back to school after the first THanksgiving Break Freshman year the emotional roller coaster surfaced again. </p>
<p>WE try to acknowlege to them that we are “a little sad” and will “miss them” and then quickly move on and show the happiness and hope as the launching begins.</p>
<p>To all: Thanks for this thread. I have waited until now to read it, hoping that I would not be feeling this way. Now that I am, it’s nice to know I am in such good company.</p>
<p>Just returned from dropping D at Tufts in Boston. I had to do this on my own as H was home with S, only 15 years old. The move-in went smoothly and I was hoping to hold back the tears until boarding the airplane home, as D was not wanting an emotional good-bye. However, at the Matriculation Ceremony the university president gave a wonderful speech, which I cried throughout. I thought I would share some excerpts here…</p>
<p>“…Going off to college is a big adjustment for each of you, but in some ways it is an even bigger adjustment for your families. You have lots of people to help you through this transition - advisors, deans, counselors, and fellow students. By contrast, your parents are on their own. It is up to you to help them adjust to a life without you. Please keep in touch with them. Let them know how you are doing. It is even OK to ask them how they are doing. They will greatly appreciate email, phone calls, and even the occasional letter.”</p>
<p>“…This is the awkward moment when you actually have to say goodbye to your families. I suspect both parents and students have been anticipating this moment for some time. Some of you may have even extracted promises from your parents to avoid emotional goodbyes. I must confess that as a parent, my sympathies are obvious. It is not easy saying goodbye to someone who has been the center of your life for the past 18 years. It is also not easy sending them halfway across the country or around the world to live independently for the very first time. So, to the parents assembled, I hereby grant you a special presidential release from all commitments to avoid emotional goodbyes. When the time comes, hold your kids close, give them a big hug, and cry if you want. I guarantee that no one will notice because they will all be doing the same.”</p>
<p>"…And now a word to parents: You should be enormously proud of what your sons and daughters have already accomplished. The fact that they are sitting here today is but one sign that you have done your job well. But I suspect that as you prepare to say goodbye, your hopes and aspirations for them are tempered by more than a bit of anxiety. You are probably asking yourself, “Are they ready for all that awaits them? Will they act maturely? Will they use good judgment?” We raise our children to be independent, yet when they reach the moment when they are ready to spread their wings, our natural inclination is to cling to them. </p>
<p>I must now ask you to do the hardest thing you have ever done as parents - let go. Let your kids fight their own battles. They don’t need you to solve their registration problems, or to lobby to get a better housing assignment. If the refrigerator breaks on the floor of their dorm, they don’t need you to intervene personally to get it fixed. Learning to deal with a large organization is another useful life skill that they will master at Tufts, if you let them. You cannot be everywhere for them, and I assure you your kids don’t want you to be. "</p>
<p>“…You have been prepared well for this day by your parents, family, and friends. Many of your loved ones have literally sacrificed so that you may enjoy the privilege of a Tufts education. Honor their sacrifice by behaving responsibly, and making the most of this extraordinary opportunity.”</p>
<p>So, I cried my eyes out during the speech and by time we were ready for our “good-byes” it was much easier. President Bacow said many of the things I wanted to say, so just had to add “I love you.” On the flight home, there were several parents onboard, all having left a S or D at one of the many Boston schools. We had time to compare notes and for a group cry at Logan. Now I am home, wandering aimlessly in and out of D’s room and trying hard not to call or email.</p>
<p>Amen, couldnt have said it better</p>
<p>Ok, now.</p>
<p>We’ve all had a few weeks to start putting our lives back together, now that we’ve launched them.</p>
<p>Any progress reports out there?</p>
<p>I would call, e-mail or text our S periodically over the course of a week for the past 4 weeks - dropped him 12 hours away at the end of August.</p>
<p>If he replied or answered, I would get very short answers to general questions about classes, frends, sports, etc. usually - “I am fine.” He did e-mail ME one time and inquired about which meal plan he was on because he loved the food. Upon getting the answer he desired, he said - Thanks Mom. Luv ya. Bye." End of conversation.</p>
<p>So then I e-mail him anout a week later and suggest we set a time - like Sunday evening to plan to contact/call. He e-mails back, “Why? We should talk when we talk.” Love that line.</p>
<p>So, three nights ago he calls me at 10:30 p.m. My H was fast asleep. S proceeds to talk with me for about 45 minutes. Says he has decided today to go out for Varsity basketball, that he could not see himself playing Club Ultimate for the whole year. He tells me he has been one of twenty students accepted to go to New Orleans to assist the Katrina victims - this is over fall break. I did know he wanted to go because he called me to ask if it was OK - it does cost some money so that is why he nicely asked. But I did not know that one had to be accepted. Also tells me he is going to pledge a frat and that he has already made lots of friends there. I asked if it was a jock frat and he tells me it is a mix - BUT, they have the highest GPA.</p>
<p>OK, I am taking this all in, trying to figure out how he is doing all of this - and all on his own. Then he tells me he went to his advisor and is considering engineering but he would have to also take classes at another university - combined program. Then goes on to say he went to the study abroad office and plans to do a semester next year in Spain, if it is OK with us.</p>
<p>Phew! I could bearly sleep. He is very happy, busy and enjoying his classes. I guess he just did not have much to tell me in those first few weeks. And I guess he was quite busy figuring out some short term life plans. He also told me he could not wait to see us in October - Family weekend. I have just calmed down after getting all of this info. Hope your kids/students are all thriving!</p>