<p>Our oldest leaves in two weeks for preseason, and we’re swinging back and forth from excitement to sadness about as frequently as she is, I think (though I seem to be dangling in the sadness sector a little more than anybody else in the family). The posts already up offer great advice/commiseration, so in addition to a blanket “ME TOO!” I’ll toss out the title of a book that is both a wonderful read and a real comfort: “She’s Leaving Home: Letting Go as My Daughter Goes to College,” by Connie Jones.</p>
<p>how’s everyone doing this week? i have purposely crowded my plate with so much, that honestly, i haven’t had time to be sad. trying to get s to pack for pre-season, hiking trip, dorm room–while at the same time packing up everything i own, picking out paint and carpet, and scheduling the movers, etc. and getting ready to head back to work, too. </p>
<p>as hectic as it is, it is much better than sitting around waiting for him to leave.</p>
<p>Just keep reminding yourself that this was the plan all along. And it worked. I truly empathize. FWIW, my college senior daughter will be popping into my life again, as she often does, next week while we vacation. Just like old times, sort of. :)</p>
<p>Son and husband left yesterday on the long drive to Indiana. (DS will be an RA this year, and he was assigned a dorm far from the music school, so we agreed to let him get a decent used car and take it to college. They are driving his car there, and then DH will fly home.)</p>
<p>I was feeling pretty low when they drove out at 6 a.m. Just me and the cat and dog left at home… However, they were considerate enough to call me each time they entered a new state, and that helped me feel he wasn’t totally gone. And yes, driver, I do have to remind myself that we knew all along that he would grow up eventually, and that we are thrilled that he got into a great music school and that he is really excited to get back there. We did a pretty good job raising him, and it is time for him to stretch his wings. And he will be home for Christmas, although not Thanksgiving this year. But dang it, I am getting tears in my eyes writing this! Time to eat breakfast and go grocery shopping–when I keep busy, I don’t miss him as much…</p>
<p>I just realized–with this son at college, and my other son in Japan, this year will be our first Thanksgiving without at least one of the boys at home. Okay, I really DO have to get busy now… :(</p>
<p>i want to share part of this wonderful editorial with all of you. it has been my favorite and i pull it out to share with friends as they pass through the changes of motherhood.</p>
<p>Excerpted from “Memories of ‘lasts’ still remain” by Susan Herrel</p>
<p>"…I remember many of the wonderful moments of motherhood. But raising children means jumping from one phase of life to the next with little time for reflection, and the lasts get lost in the next phase of firsts.</p>
<p>And yet, I wish I could savor some of those lasts. I wish I could remember, for example, the last time I held one of my children on my hip. The very last time I confidently swung a toddler up to my side, cupped my forearm under a diapered bottom as chubby legs wrapped around my waist. Feeling my child’s head rest on my shoiulder, stroking silky baby’s hair, knowing that I am responsible for keeping that child safe, warm and loved is afeeling like no other, and I wish I could remember the last time I experienced it…</p>
<p>…Chances are, that last time that a child cried out ‘Mmo!’ in the darkness (and called and called) until I stumbled into his or her bedroom, I was groggy and possibly a little short-tempered.</p>
<p>If I could revisit that night, like Ebenezer Scrooge did with that Ghost of Christmas Past, would I see in myself a ack of appreciation for the moment, for the time? Possibly.</p>
<p>Because when we come to the last of anything, we have to be ready to move on to the next stage. Ready to have a child that wakens, tells himself ‘it was just a dream,’ rolls over and goes back to sleep. We should be ready to move on when they are.</p>
<p>Trying to slow down the natural evolution of life doesn’t help anyone.</p>
<p>Nostalgic thouhts are appropriate for a while. My own reminiscences about being a young mother of babies, of toddlers, of children, and now of teen-agers saddened me for a moment. I was frustrated by the difficulty I had in remembering those last times.</p>
<p>…But there are still so many lasts to come, to be followed by wonderful firsts, and I have to concentrate on experiencing those rather than trying to recapture the moments that can be mine again…if memory serves."</p>
<p>That’s a lovely article. I confess to a slightly different perspective. These kids are given to us in our profound failability to love and care for and bring into the world. For most of us, they are the most important thing that ever happens in our lives. But at the end of the day we will be no more than a part of their lives.</p>
<p>These “ends” are not important to the kids. To the kids, there will be moments that are important, that stand out. But not because they were the last moments of type. Because they were the moments we were ourselves. Because they were the moments we guided them in a self-aware choice. Because they were the moments where something about us, their fairly boring moms on a good day, kind of like the refrigerator, where something about us stuck.</p>
<p>It might be the smell of our shampoo. It might be the nightgown we wore long beyond the time we should have. It might be the way we talk to ourselves as we walk quickly through the house ordering clutter. </p>
<p>Because that’s what matters to me with my mom now. I do not think of there having been any ends. She is my mom. I am the oldest, I moved out at 13 to go to boarding school, I lived across the country, I made life choices wildly different from hers. But she is my mom. There is no end to that.</p>
<p>I wrote elsewhere on this forum that as my daughter grows up I have realized that I am now a woman who is the mother of someone who is also a woman. More things endure in this relationship than end.</p>
<p>2 years ago when son left for school we knew it was going to be especially difficult as he was trying to get in-state residency and wouldn’t be able to come home fo the summer. As it turned out he got a fantastic job with the national park service (making more per hour than I do) and was able to live with the sierras as his back yard. Needless to say, our sadness of not seeing him quickly turned to envy. D takes off in a week for school 1600+ miles away, so we will be empty nesters. Almost. Last year I targeted other kids in her class to help with college applications, FAFSA, etc. As we all know, guidance counselors can only be stretched so far. This year I have 2 seniors and 4 juniors I am going to be working with. Not exactly family, but almost. People on CC have so much info - often more than GCs - that sharing it with upcoming students seems only natural. Even if theymight not wat your help directly, at least they can be referred to this site!</p>
<p>We leave Monday morning to take our son (our only child) to Vanderbilt. This discussion has been a comforting resource for me…</p>
<p>Our D has been 3,000 miles away for the last three weeks and we won’t see her again until just before Christmas. We have a phone call loosely scheduled for this afternoon. It sometimes feels like wartime France, tuning into the BBC…</p>
<p>“The dice are on the table. John has a brown mustache. The sobbing violins of the autumn wind wound my heart with a monotonous languor.”</p>
<p>Son just called to say he arrived safely at college. … Then he called a few minutes later to say, “Mom, do you have that sheet of paper that says what my room number is?..oh, wait. It says ‘Resident Assistant’ on this door. That must be mine. OK, thanks anyway. Talk to you later…” or something to that effect. Nice to know he is safely there… and that I am still needed. :)</p>
<p>twelve hours til we depart for the airport. i am hoping i can do this! we went out for breakfast and he ran into a classmate–thought both of them might cry if they weren’t out in public. i guess it’s a god thing that we’re not both sad at the same time. i just hope i can get through this last day at home. we are moving next weekend, so it truly is a “last day” at home for all of us. send good thoughts my way–i could use 'em!</p>
<p>The night before our departure, son’s friends came over. They drew pictures and wrote expressions of love on the sidewalk. They came over the morning of our departure also. Today I found a photograph on our porch of him with his friends. Leaving son at college was the worse day of my life. I am slowly recovering, but have waves of anguish. Will see him this weekend for the official move in orientation. Looking forward to iseeing him with reservations. Don’t want the flood gates to open up again on the way back home. …</p>
<p>I am using the computer in my son’s new room for the fall term. He’s at work. I leave in two days but it has been glorious to see his environment and meet some friends who are on campus working this summer. He is starting his second year; we do everything backwards. I took the school tour yesterday and helped him move from dorm #1 to dorm #2. (Wasn’t there for the move in last year). Better late than never. I won’t see him until sometime in December…but still have a few more wonderful days.</p>
<p>I’ve met a few of us early and mid BOOMERS who got so loney that they adopted and adopted more than 1. What a surprise to the first born litter.</p>
<p>ITM, I looked at a little differently and thought about having a second child. I brought this up with TheMom and she said to take it up with my second wife.</p>
<p>Averagemom: I’m sorry leaving your S was so hard. My D was so mean to us on that day that we couldn’t wait to get out of Dodge! You will get used to the new normal. Just keep repeating to yourself…this is what we raised him to do.</p>
<p>What makes me sad is seeing moms with their younger daughters, buying school supplies or doing summer activities together. My D has been off doing her own things since she got her driver’s license. What I miss most is having a little girl.</p>
<p>I went through empty nest last September, and it was quite awful. I felt as if I had just been fired from an 18 year job. This especially was the case when D did not call (not even once) for the first 3 weeks!!! It was a process and as the year progressed, and I got to see D a # of times when she was in college plays, a new relationship with her developed. Like a (semi-) adult friend. It still hurts a bit when she comes and goes, but as the start of 2nd year looms, we both have grown into the new things. D made deans list and is a First Group Scholar at Smith. (You can’t totally take the “stage father” away) (smile)</p>
<p>well, we are on campus as of today. i think that leaving home was the most painful thing ever. we stayed up all night–my s was out visiting friends and kids were stopping by and everyone was crying. around 2 in the morning, my son and i went swimming. we are moving next week, and it was the last time we would be there. so many memories and so many wonderful times that thinking about leaving was almost unbearable. but as i was hoping, thinking about leaving was worse than actual leaving. we are here, the campus is beautiful, we have met his mentors, we have met other players, we have met other parents…and onward we go.</p>
<p>I let my D at college yesterday. I am also dumbfounded by how bad I feel. I am a single mom with one D (with a medical disability). I have been dreaming of nice it will be to have some time to myself, etc etc etc. We have had a great summer planning this, I am thrilled she is even able to physically attempt a residential college.
We say good bye - a few sniffles on both parts. THEN<br>
I get in the car to drive home - I could barely see I was crying so much. I get home and walk in the empty house and sobbed for hours. It was like when my mom died 6 yrs ago. I can’t believe how bad I feel. It is like my heart has been torn out. Everyone told me I would feel this way but I thought “no, it has been so hard and I am so tired, It will feel good”
Wrong!!! I am very happy that D has this chance and I pray that it works out BUT I MISS HER SO MUCH. Geez - I am totally blinded sided by how I feel. I’ve tried to read some info on this but can’t get very far because I start crying too hard. I know it will get better - it is rough now
Lonely Janie</p>
<p>Janie,
It will get better. Try to stay busy. Do you have some friends that are also sending their children off for the first time? Misery really does love company. I know you must be so proud of your D. --hold to that and give yourself a pat on the back, you have done a great job!</p>