This is a bit of a spin-off to the, “Why him, not me,” thread currently being discussed on the College Admissions forum.
My ds is a senior at an elite school. We were at a fundraising dinner for a K-12 private school last night, and I was introduced to and talking to the guidance counselor there. As soon as she learned that ds was a student there, she talked about a student they had who had applied this cycle and how disappointed the student was to have been rejected. Then the GC began to ask about my ds’s stats/achievements/ECs, what DOES it take to get in there, etc. This happens a lot and is basically code for, “What is so special about your kid?” No kid at her school has ever been accepted, etc. Another person in the conversation who was chatting with us interjected, “Oh, it’s a lottery school.”
Freely acknowledging this is a first-world problem, what is the proper response to this statement as a parent? I find it dismissive. It can’t be explained so we’re just going to say your kid got lucky?? How does one not sound snotty addressing the lottery school comment while not undermining your kid’s achievements? Especially when it is said in that “What is so special about YOUR kid?” tone? All bundled up with the fact that I don’t and can’t know what admissions folks saw in him.
Everyone wants the recipe to the secret sauce, but there isn’t one.
The true answer is you don’t know why your child was accepted or why others were not, so there’s not much advice to give.
I think you answered your own question. I think I’d say something like, “We don’t know what differentiated our son from other qualified candidates, but we are grateful the AO did!” Congrats and enjoy - I hope he loves it.
Your kid got in because the adcom liked his application more than others. Same thing with my kid. Why did the adcom like his application more? His essays were more compelling and more likable to the adcom relatively speaking. The adcom told us he thought our kid would have gotten into one of HYP had he applied. Clearly, his application captured the attention of this adcom, but is he a better student or more likely to get better GPA at the college than those denied? Absolutely not.
Think of the college application to this college as one project. It just means my kid did really good job in this one project. Doing well in one project does not mean the kid is a better student. At the same time, it’s not pure luck because he did do a better job in this project, especially with no hooks. Now what was the award? He gets to be a full pay at Stanford for 4 years. I would much rather he go to Stanford for free but we can’t have everything we want in this life. I am not complaining but I certainly don’t feel and act like I won a lottery. Now, I did act like I won a lottery when our kid got the full paid study abroad scholarship for the gap year.
So if I were you I would just say “the adcom liked his application more”. This college application process is judging the application, not the applicant. There is no way that this application can capture all the good and weak qualities of the applicant.
If your child is a senior already, to me the obvious response is that your data is 4/5 years old and therefore not meaningful currently. I’d probably dismiss any questioning with some joke about a crystal ball or if you knew you’d sell the information and acknowledge how tough it is out there then change the subject.Your daughter’s stats and such are nobody else’s business anyway and it’s her private info to share if SHE wishes, which is another answer you could give to deflect questions.
“The stars aligned?”
“We blackmailed the right adcom?”
“I wish I could tell you, but they said they would kick her out or take away her degree if I give away the secret.”
Probably just saying you don’t know is the right answer. Coming up with others in my head would be fun though.
“It is a lottery school” is a pretty darn good answer.
Just realize when people make statements like this it is about them and their disappointment and their possible jealously and not a reflection on your kid and his accomplishments. I think Happy4u’s comments are great and just let it go. In a year hopefully everyone will be happy matriculating at a great school and the disappointments will be in the past.
The fact is there are many very high achieving kids that were unhappy in this cycle. The process isn’t 100% reasonable or fair. There are many qualified applicants for every spot. I’ve talked to my junior about this process like talking about about adcoms building a puzzle that has 1000 pieces, but they have 10,000 possible pieces to fit. You might have 100 students that fit a particular profile as a piece and only be able to select one or 2 of those. So for those kids, it is almost a lottery. What stands out to an individual AO on first viewing of an app might be enough. Some other students might have more unique profile. And then there are athletes and legacies that need to fit too. It’s hard to know what adcoms are looking for. Adcoms have limited time and are probably not torturing themselves comparing individual applicants. I don’t think the lottery comment is really an insult but more the product of a frustrating process where only 4-10% come out as “winners”. The GC does this every year and it’s her job so she just sounds overly nosy. I would shrug it off!
Congrats and best wishes to your son!
Ignore it if it’s intended as an insult. IMO it’s mostly people being reflexively defensive (which they don’t understand comes across as an attack on your kid) because their kid didn’t have the results they hoped for. Many people can’t bear or begin to conceive of the idea that their child isn’t the Most Awesome Kid in the universe, so they search for explanations… such as the process being a lottery.
If the comments aren’t intended as a defense or insult, and they’re honestly looking for insight, here’s what I tell them my thoughts are based on my kid’s experience:
- A certain threshhold of GPA and test scores is only what gets the app in the pile of apps to be considered. Decisions are made not on stats but on the secret sauce. Don't waste hours getting your ACT from a 34 to a 35/36 or trying to move from #5 in the class to #3, spend that time on your personal secret sauce (ECs).
- If you kid is completely unhooked, the secret sauce better be freakin' amazing. Something that makes people raise their eyebrows and wonder a little how the kid pulled it off. It's easier to do something amazing if you're not competing in the exact same things as everybody else. So decide if you can be one of the top 10 violinists in the country (unlikely for most people) and if you can't, then figure out other ways to be amazing.
- My kid did extensive research and projects outside school and structured programs. He used advanced concepts he self-taught to do interesting experiments - and even got a job for a well respected firm (no family connections at all - got the job by cold calling the firm's President) that's paying him to do work for their company.
- His teacher and GC recommendations were amazing and the company that hired him to do the advanced work for him wrote him a fantastic recommendation as well. Very selective schools often rely heavily on recommendations.
- He only applied to schools that were a fit for him and put in hours customizing his essays to show each of those schools why that particular school was a fit and what he would do for that school. Too many students apply to too many schools to do decent custom essays. Even for top students, if you write one really strong essay that showcases your great features but you have no idea what the college is looking for, then it really is like a lottery - if the college is looking for what you wrote, then you have a chance; if not, then you may be amazing but you'll have to do it somewhere else. I think researching the schools and customizing essays to show you understand exactly what that school is looking for and how you fit it is often overlooked.
- Be realistic. You only have a certain number of hours to do it all in. Don't waste time on things that are never gonna happen. Figure out what you have a decent shot at and put your effort there. Better to put in 5-8 really great, targeted apps than to shotgun 20 apps.
Just say they probably accepted your kid because they felt he or she would become the next POTUS. Then laugh.
Anyway, I can say our kid really researched and put out a well prepared application to one college: Stanford. For others, he didn’t have to dig deep down.
“How does one not sound snotty addressing the lottery school comment while not undermining your kid’s achievements?”
Hopefully your kid has enough confidence where a parent showing a little humility wouldn’t undermine him*.
Anyway, I’d just say “it’s a black box and the odds are so low for everyone, so who knows. He just feels grateful/blessed/humbled by the opportunity.”**
- I have to say, some parts of current American culture, I just find weird.
** College recruits have the answer down pat.
Is your kid a senior in college? Maybe you won’t have to endure this line of questioning so much in the future if he’s moving on. Here’s hoping! 
When I am asked the same question I give a two part reply. The first answer is that I am really not sure because the selection process is not very transparent. The second is that as a non-hooked student he maximized every aspect of his application. GPA, test scores, and teacher recommendations. His EC (not not plural) was not anything amazing (boxing food for the under served) but was something he had been involved in since his 3rd grade. He paid particular attention to the many essays he had to write to satisfy the requirements of the colleges he applied to (as a STEM focused kid he invested months on essays). After all his applications were submitted he rested soundly knowing that he applied to a range of schools and that he maximized the admission aspects that were under his control. In the end he was successful gaining acceptance into many of what he felt were the best STEM schools for him (Stanford, Carnegie Mellon, and UC Berkeley). He was also accepted to most, but not all, of his safety schools reflecting his knowledge that acceptances are never a sure thing.
@MusakParent - yes! Ds is a senior! I am hopeful!
You all are right. I shouldn’t get my dander up. I think I was surprised at some of the comments from the private school GC - who seemed FAR less informed about many aspects (availability of fin aid at top schools, the existence of the Common Data Set, thinking stats alone would be enough, etc) than she should have been IME. She nodded her head in agreement about the lottery school aspect.
I never answer questions about my kids’ stats. Those are none of anyone’s business. If someone asks, I simply say I don’t remember the exact numbers. My kids’ achievements speak for themselves. Ultimately, their happy and successful lives will also speak for themselves if the stars align and fate blesses us. If people ask about how they got into this school or that program, I say that they worked hard and we are very grateful.
Remember: It’s only a “lottery school” to those who didn’t get in.
Yeah, work on your ignoring skills because people can say some really thoughtless things regarding college admissions.
The only people I told about DS’ admissions were my sister and two very close friends. Mainly because I think the people who are close to you will want to know and those that aren’t close to you might not care and if their child had disappointing experiences discussing college admissions might be an unpleasant subject for them. Although I have never raised the subject, people gossip so people know. My son’s an introvert, so although other kids at his school know he’s smart they have no idea of all the EC things he did so to them it looks like he somehow was admitted to a top school over many other kids from that school with a better GPA/higher class rank. This is a paraphrase of a conversation I’ve had a few times now after someone approached me to talk about colleges:
A: Oh, I heard your son was admitted to _______ and _________! That’s fantastic!
Me: Thanks. I’m just glad the whole process is over. Are you ready for [your kid] to graduate and move on? Senioritis is real, huh? (Trying to move discussion onto common, neutral ground.)
A: Did you hear that [list of at least half dozen other amazing, high stats kids] were denied at (the school your son is going to attend)?
Me: Mm. It’s been a tough year.
A: Oh, but you’re full pay, right?..
…Nice way to imply I bought my son’s acceptance… You’ll get those comments, too if you haven’t already. Just be prepared. Smile, ignore, change subject. Rinse and repeat.
@Hoggirl
Do you think the GC at the private school is under pressure to “produce”? That is, get students into the elite colleges & universities?
That is actually pretty shocking if the GC of an elite high school doesn’t have a strong grip on this stuff. Do your job lady! She/he probably isn’t helping the students at that school any.
A good snark response may have been “Ha - I bet you know better than me! How about that weather.”
My kid and I frankly don’t care how he got into Stanford, but he immediately started using the brand name to get a paid summer internship and some small scholarships totaling 4 or 5 thousand dollars. Since he’s a full pay, I don’t feel hesitant at all in using the brand name to advance our interests. I mean, frankly that is one of the reasons our kid is going there, beside the fact it’s a very good school. I am paying for it, so I might as well use it in a tactful way. Don’t tell me kids are going to Harvard because of caring professors. It is what it is.