<p>My 8th grade daughter came home from school last night telling me that over the break her friend “went to 3rd base” at the mall with her long distance relationship BF who was in town. I know the girl’s mother quite well, but we’re not super close, more thrown together because of our daughters’ friendship. This girl is spirited and dramatic and loves attention, especially from this boy. They’ve been “going out” for over a year but this is the first time they’ve done more than hold hands, apparently. They’ve been “sexting” for a year and the parents know, take the phone away, then give it back. This going to the mall alone together is new as of the boy’s most recent visit to our area. I’ve been saying for awhile to my husband that she’s the type to get pregnant. Her parents are worried but also in denial. In fact, her mother’s never even mentionned the existence of this boy to me in all this time! I’m conflicted because if something happens I feel almost complicit, but then again, I feel strongly that I can’t violate my daughter’s trust who swore me to secrecy. If there was a way to let the mother know that alone dates aren’t a good idea without involving my daughter I’d do it. WHAT should I do? I also think that if I did notify the mother she wouldn’t do anything anyway. Her daughter’s very willful and rules the roost. In that her parents are aware of their daughter’s tendencies I feel like its not my place. They should be taking action, not me. What do you think?</p>
<p>I would stay out of it. Keeping your daughter’s trust is more important than getting involved in this mess, in my opinion.</p>
<p>Also, how do you “get to 3rd base” at a shopping mall? I mean, where? Wouldn’t that activity require some degree of privacy?</p>
<p>God I’m old…I’ve forgotten what 3rd base is. LOL</p>
<p>Agree with Marite. Stay out of this one. “Spirited and dramatic” could also be making the whole thing up fot the attention.</p>
<p>^^lol</p>
<p>I would stay out of it. It doesn’t sound like the mom would welcome the intrusion, so no good will come of it. At this point, it is much more important to preserve your relationship with your own daughter. That is the best way you can help her friend. Your daughter will probably have more influence over the other girl than her mother anyway. Having been through a similar situation with my own daughter, the fact that she was able to discuss things with me and formulate her thoughts and feelings into words that could help her friend, probably saved her friend a lot of grief. She trusted my daughter, listened to her and valued her opinion. Her own mother’s ranting and raving only fueled her negative behavior.</p>
<p>Where I come from, 3rd base = touching below the belt, inside clothing or without clothing.</p>
<p>I would agree to stay clear of this situation. If the girls parents know she has been “sexting”, then they must have an idea about what is to come. Denial or not, no good will come from your getting involved. I would not violate my daughter’s trust over this one.</p>
<p>I think the best you can do is advise your daughter on how to help her friend, should your daughter wish to do so. Particularly since the parents aren’t likely to do anything anyway, you will risk your daughter’s trust for nothing.</p>
<p>Tell her to speak to Brooks Robinson. Is this really the forum for such nonsense?</p>
<p>Objective. Yes, this is the forum (parent cafe) for talking about anything you want. You do not have to participate in this discussion. It’s as easy as that.</p>
<p>Thanks, I really appreciate your feedback and am going to go with talking to my daughter to talk to the girl about this. This family is very conservative and religious, and there won’t be any Mommy and Me trips to Planned Parenthood. Thanks so much. I feel better about it@</p>
<p>Someone asked where you can do this at the mall. Apparently in the "family’ bathroom…eek.</p>
<p>If Brooks Robinson can’t help, perhaps George Brett or Wade Boggs can provide some insight.</p>
<p>Objective, not sure if you’re a ■■■■■ or what, but those of us who’ve had unplanned pregnancies in the family tree know how serious an issue it is. Feel free to move over to college search and selection or some other forum that suits your fancy better.</p>
<p>A pregnancy can ruin college prospects really fast!
By the way, it was Marian, not I, who made the original suggestion.
I would not tell the D to stay out of it completely, but to ask her friend whether she has considered possible consequences (such as unintended pregnancy) and what kind of precautions she is considering. Remind her that guys don’t have to worry about it, but girls do. However trust she puts in her boyfriend, it’s still her body and her future.
This way, your D does not have to lose the trust of her friend; yet, she has done all that a good friend can do. And you stay out of it and keep your own D’s trust.</p>
<p>First, make sure your D understands she is not responsible for her friend or her freind’s behavior. This can be a wierd age and sometimes girls get too responsible for thier friends and worried when they head off in different directions. This is an age when many hit the high road and a few hit a few bumps in the road and it can’t be helped by a freind.</p>
<p>Next, take this opportunity (as I’m sure you have) to talk to your daughter about sex and boys and birth control and waiting and boys and drugs, too, while your are at it. IF she has come to you with this information, it is because she wants to know where you stand on these things. I’m sure you are well aware that the sex thing comes at them like freight train at this age and they need some really firm plans in order to be able to respond effectively in the moment.</p>
<p>Then, just go be sad privately, I suppose, that your daughter is grown up enough to have a freind she is concerned about in this particular way.</p>
<p>Good luck to you.</p>
<p>BTW, apparently, according to one of the high school life’s thread on CC, the bases are all different now (but no, I have no idea what they are) and like mom2collegekids, I can’t even remember what they were back in the day…</p>
<p>we had this exact issue with my younger daughter in 6th grade with her bff; very fast kid; still is…we totally stayed out of it…and my daughter was way to young at 11 to even get involved…they are no longer friends; the current 16yr old has apparently been dating a young man who is 19 for awhile now…</p>
<p>The new third base is oral, sorry for those easily shocked, but that’s the definition around here.</p>
<p>What I would do or consider-at this age, before your daughter gets to be in high school and * knows everything* to talk to your her about your role- and to establish that as an adult- you understand that kids do things that aren’t thought through etc., but that if they, or someone are endangering themselves or others- you will need to respond appropriately.</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure this list is still accurate for young men:</p>
<p>1st Base = a furtive glance in the cool of evening
2nd Base = requesting that a mutual acquaintance make a proper introduction
3rd Base = letting it slip in a moment of passionate abandon that you really are quite fond of her, which must just be the wine going to your head
Going All the Way = a visit to her father in which he offers you a cigar</p>
<p>And I don’t think human nature changes that much over time, so this pretty much has to be it.</p>