<p>Parents who let their 8th grade daughter meet a boyfriend alone at the mall don’t sound like the “conservative, religious” types I know!</p>
<p>Painful, but I’d stay out of it. Because of the sexting issue, you know the girl’s parents aren’t clueless about what is going on. Yet they seem to be allowing, facilitating the relationship. </p>
<p>(I learned my lesson a few years ago trying to warn a friend about a boy putting the moves on her young teenage D–the mom got mad at ME, as if I implied she was a bad mom for not having her eyes on her D at all times. I am the type to say–“If it were MY kid, I’d want my friend to tell me!” But I realized that parents of kids who get into trouble usually don’t feel that way. They’re more likely to get defensive and attack YOU for being “helpful.” I vowed that even if I saw my best friend’s kid doing it in the church parking lot, I’d just look the other way and say “none of my business.”)</p>
<p>LOL mantori–if only it were so!</p>
<p>I’d “encourage” my D to spend more time with her other, more “immature” friends.</p>
<p>I confess to that I dont recall the delineation of “bases”, and appreciate (I think) Battlo’s update.</p>
<p>Agree that as tough as it is, probably is best to stay out of it and use it as an opportunity for dialoge with your daughter about good judgement. You are getting all this info about the sexting and the “3rd base” second hand, so who knows what they really did. Now, all that said, if you feel uncomfortable doing nothing (and you want to feel good with whatever decision you make), if the opportunity arose and you happened to see this mom, you could say something general like " I understand your dau has a boyfriend. Good idea to be careful these days" or something vague like that. I have a friend here who was dating a guy I knew to be bad news. I struggled with whether or not to say anything. I finally just said “be careful”. She ended up marrying and subsequently divorcing him, and to this day still thanks me for diplomatically trying to warn her. Good luck.</p>
<p>In 7th grade, Happykid had a friend that revealed to her that she was cutting herself. In our conversations at home, we discussed the best strategies for her to deal with her friend. We considered the clear possibility that the friend wanted someone in authority to know, but was afraid to ask for help on her own. Happykid was able to speak with a school guidance counselor who took charge of the situation without revealing the source of the information.</p>
<p>I would suggest that you and your daughter consider the possibility that the young woman in question may be asking for help. If so, then an adult intervention is OK. Perhaps the intervention could come through the school guidance office or the school nurse, rather than directly through you.</p>
<p>Wishing everyone all the best with this problem. It truly is a challenging one!</p>
<p>If your D is anything like mine, she may have told you partly to see what your reaction would be, in the event that she indulge in similar behavior. It’s an opportunity to show her that you are open to discussions so that when the time comes, she can turn to you for advice without worrying that you’ll be like her friend’s parents. I would also use this situation to talk about your own general thoughts about sexuality, birth control, etc.which you probably already are, since your D is comfortable confiding in you.</p>
<p>Love your advice happymomof1, exactly the advice I was going to give. </p>
<p>I remember this kind of thing happening when my child was in the 8th grade. I think it’s a very common theme. </p>
<p>I would not talk to the parent though. It would be better if you could get a school counselor involved if you feel you need to. I never tell my friend’s how to parent. Although most of my experience has been with drinking, and not sex. </p>
<p>Have the girl over and watch 16 and pregnant. Great show and great birth control. But I really wish parents would be honest with themselves and get these girls on BC. Because the alternative (pregnancy) is devastating.</p>
<p>This really makes me cringe. Sex is not the same thing as cutting, which is pathological behavior. Yes, sex can become abusive, but this sounds like consensual behavior. As a parent, I would be furious if the school counselor were to interfere with my D’s sex life, unless she was engaging in dangerous, self destructive behavior (contacting strange men online, for ex). Even in 8th grade.</p>
<p>BTW…I am conservative and religious (well, more spiritual), and I told my kids about Planned Parenthood. Question assumptions.</p>
<p>Teenagers commonly tell parents what their friends are doing. Sometimes it can be taken at face value - they want to share and talk it out because a friend is doing something wrong. On the other hand, sometimes kids want to hear what you think about what they and their friends are doing. Worse, sometimes it is a smoke screen - an old trick played on parents by teenagers. A way to keep the freedom and privileges coming (stoke the impression mom and dad have that I am behaving).</p>
<p>I have a lot of female friends. Some of their kids are friends. One tells me in confidence what her daughter Bunny shared about BFF Bitsey. Bitsey’s mom tells me in a separate confidential conversation about something she heard through her daughter about what Bunny is doing. Both parents use the conversation as a way to let me know that they have such a good relationship with their daughter, and that their daughter is making good decisions (coming to mom like that with “troubling” information about a peer).</p>
<p>Not all the time, but most of the time, kids hang out with kids who are doing what they want to do. I also believe that one risky or adrenaline-seeking behavior usually means others are to follow. It is likely that you will also see this parent under-supervise your daughter when she is at that house. You have four years of high school ahead of you. </p>
<p>It would probably be a good time to gently redirect your DD towards some different pals (at least until the friend gets on a better track). This is a tough task at her age.</p>
<p>Wow, never had this issue surface for us. It was interesting that in the past 12 months, aach of our kids had fairly a close friend/acquaintance who announced he was gay. They did seem mildly curious about our reactions but assumed we’d take it well (which with some fake histrionics by dad) we did.</p>
<p>D has never indulged me with details about the intimacies of her friends. Most of her friends are pretty serious students and boys have always taken a backseat, so far. They’re now in college, so I expect this will change increasingly.</p>
<p>We do talk with our kids about the permanance of things that are sent electronically, by phone or internet. We have gotten to know all of D’s friends in HI and like them very much, including their families. We are all varying degrees of “hoverers.” Don’t know S’s friends as well, but have liked those I met.</p>
<p>There is a reason for the saying “Birds of a feather flock together.”</p>
<p>If your D is engaged in ECs, perhaps it would be good to help her put more energy into those that are especially interesting to her, which can broaden her circle of friends away from this young woman. It does seem that no good would come of directly saying anything to the parents of the young woman. It is also important to reinforce with your D what her values are with regard to sexuality, friendship, intimacy, education, etc.</p>
<p>This is definitely a delicate task, but something you’re up for!</p>
<p>The bases have changed and the kids are running them much faster now. Lots of middle schoolers dealing with sex. Girls can more often be the aggressor.</p>
<p>Friendships start shifting naturally at this time for this very reason. When your child says they don’t want to go to a party or a dance DON’T start pushing them They know what they are doing when they want to stay home.</p>
<p>sax, we have that going on in this house as well. Ds2 says there’s a party at a formerly close friend’s house but that he’s not that interested in going. I’ve since learned from another mom some of what is going on at this girl’s parties. Glad he didn’t want to go!</p>
<p>Yea, I’ve always respected my kids’ decisions not to attend parties, tho I was a bit “sad” that they sat out so many events. I guess I would have been MUCH sadder if they were put in an untenable situation. S in particular didn’t have a lot of close friends throughout HS, so he sat out a LOT. He did make friends easily but he has not develop the deep friendship bonds that D has with her HS gfs.</p>
<p>Her HS gfs like having sleepovers where they bond and watch movies giggling. They are very close. S just doesn’t have those types of friends, but he has a room mate and also several buddies who are solid and reliable.</p>
<p>I have never discussed “bases” with either of my kids. They seem embarrassed about all of it and neither has any romantic relationship with anyone (both had summer romances when in Taiwan on a monthlong tour, but neither got serious).</p>
<p>It must be very challenging having to navigate these waters which seem a lot more treacherous than those we dealt with at a similar age, especially with hormones raging and confusion about puberty and changes.</p>
<p>To the original poster of this thread, there is nothing you can say to the mom that won’t backfire in a huge way. Trust me. You will be sorry if you bring it up. </p>
<p>Parents just don’t like being told that their children are behaving badly or in a dangerous way. Perhaps the best advice is to help your daughter be a sounding board and friend to this young girl.</p>
<p>The summer after sophomore year my son abruptly quit seeing the group of friend he had been hanging out with all year, and was pretty much left without friends to hang out with. I didn’t pressure him, although I thought it odd at the time and was concerned because he was never really close to a lot of kids before that time. However, about 6 months later he revealed that they group had started getting into drinking alcohol, so he didn’t want to hang out with them anymore.</p>
<p>Beginning of the next school year he joined a whole new group of friends and boy are they treasures. Most of them never ever drink (I honestly do believe that) and they are such a positive in his life.</p>
<p>It can be really hard for kids to buck the crowd and stop seeing friends they have been seeing when they head toward a direction that is out of the comfort zone. It’s painful to have them stick around the house lonely because they’re “out of synch,” whether it’s because the other friends are starting to drink, experiment with drugs, get heavier into intimacies, whatever.</p>
<p>It always surprises me how much time our S spends with us when he’s home, since he doesn’t have many HS friends that he chooses to spend time with. He does have some nice friends he’s met in college and I believe his job that hopefully he will retain going forward. He & D are also close but have their own circles of friends.</p>
<p>Sure did like the simpler days of yore (if they ever existed outside of our minds).</p>
<p>I don’t agree that you should stay out of it. I think that your daughter telling it to you means that she is asking for some advice or maybe some help. I would, first of all, talk to your daughter about the fact that this girl might really want some help or need it and not know how to go about getting it. I would suggest that your daughter tell the friend that she can talk to you, perhaps, and you can give her some “mom” talk. Then, I would tell this girl that she should talk to her mom because her mom can also help. Thank goodness she is not (at least you hope) pregnant yet, and maybe that can be averted. I repeat, I think you daughter is asking you to step in. Of course she would say don’t say anything. But then, why did she mention it to you in the first place?? Good luck!</p>
<p>What made it different in our day is not that this behavior didn’t go on but that it wasn’t as pervasive and not a source of bragging. You and your bf/gf may have engaged in intimate behavior, but you didn’t go around talking about it.</p>
<p>ETA: To address the OP, I’d ask your dd what, if anything, she wants you to do.</p>