<p>Wow. Tough one. I too, as a parent, would definitely want to know. It makes me think of Aaron Schwartz, cofounder of Reddit, who was charged by MIT police with hacking into their electronic journals. He was also charged by the feds with wire fraud. He suicided. Tragic.</p>
<p>I’d call. If your son is considering rooming with this guy, then you will be involved and you don’t want the FBI/police coming to the apartment and questioning everyone. Call the parents, say that everyone at the dorm is talking about this, that you think the investigation is unfair and you thought they should know. </p>
<p>Of course as a parent I’d want to know. But we don’t know these parents, maybe they seem nice on the surface, but actually would react very badly. It may be that this kid is only peripherally involved in whatever it is the FBI is investigating. It sounds like the kids on the floor are giving him good advice. I liked oldfort’s idea of suggesting he call another experienced older adult - you or perhaps someone with more lawyerly expertise - and have a talk with them on the condition that they promise not to inform his parents without permission.</p>
<p>Do you know how to contact these parents? Is your child planning to room with this kid? That changes things a bit, IMO. Maybe you could call the parents and just suggest they call their son . That is all. Let them take it from there.</p>
<p>Its a conundrum. Hard to be the one to reach out to them, but if it were me, I’d appreciate it.</p>
<p>This story has holes. So likely the student either doesn’t know all of it, or isn’t sharing all of it.</p>
<p>But to answer your question…</p>
<ol>
<li><p>We all know our kids are going to college well before the day they are actually dropped off. It is incumbent upon us to prepare them for being independent young adults. If you continue to “shelter” your kids right up to the day of college drop off, it is a disservice to them.</p></li>
<li><p>My kids called me with some pretty outrageous stuff while in college. I listened. </p></li>
<li><p>If these young adults are that concerned, they should talk to their friend. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>If you want to call and say you heard the son was questioned by law enforcement, go ahead. You don’t need to say any more than that. Me? I’d be a little cheesed if some strangers called me up to tattle on my kid, but if (and only IF) the info turned out to be 100% accurate, I’d probably sing a different tune. So, I’m just going to say be sure your information is good. </p>
<p>Personally, if too much doesn’t make sense, I would probably sit on my hands until I knew more facts. Hearsay from from my kid about what she heard does not constitute a fact. It makes no sense to me that law enforcement came to dorm and questioned a kid in the lounge for hours. Believe me, when regular law enforcement comes to campus, you can bet campus security is all over it. Building directors, RAs, etc. have been trained to call security when police pull up. No way they hang out for two hours questioning a student in the lounge without some kind of official knowledge. Questioning in a lounge for hours with other students listening at the door also seems suspect. Like the cops and the FBI are collecting important information in a room with no monitoring devices and a hallway full of kids right outside? Maybe that’s the way they operate, but again, something about that just doesn’t make sense to me, so I would be suspicious of the report. </p>
<p>I think most parents would react badly–I know mine would! And after the shock wore off and they were done yelling at me, they would be in my corner.
Kids on the floor are telling him to tell his parents and your kid told you probably figuring you could help in some way–like calling… Ask your kid again for an update and then call if the parents haven’t already been informed. “Peripherally involved” can be like being “just a little pregnant”. Kids (and most adults) do not have a clue how to protect themselves nor the possible consequences in situations such as this. It may be nothing but it would be very sad to have it be “something” that would not have escalated if caught early.</p>
<p>This doesn’t all ring true, particularly that the questioning took place in an area where others could eavesdrop or just casually overhear. And none of the kids thought to alert campus security? And the kid in question hasn’t seen enough TV to have ever asked, “am I being arrested and can I call a lawyer?”</p>
<p>I’d sit tight until there were more facts in play. You can encourage your own kid to tell the friend to tell his parents what happened and to call a lawyer to discuss what went on, but I think some facts are being withheld here… </p>
<p>If you are certain of the information, I would call. This is an 18 or 19 yo kid, not a fully formed adult. There is still a lot of magical thinking going on at that age - if you don’t deal with a situation or tell parents it will go away. The parents will most likely end up paying the cost of an attorney in any event, rather than let their son be represented by a legal aid lawyer (and who knows if that is even possible if the kid is still a dependent for tax purposes). If this is a big nothing, then let the kid (and your son) be mad at you. I would tell my son that I was going to do this and explain that I would leave him out of it to the extent possible, but it might not be possible. The risk you run is that your son may not understand why you need to talk to the other parents and not want to tell you as much in the future. OTOH, if it turns out that parental help is needed,your son will quickly understand why you got involved. I would definitely want to know and would be upset with any kids or adults that did not tell me. By the way, if this were a senior about to graduate, I would feel differently and think that the parent should probably not get involved. </p>
<p>I assume the parents will find out about this at some point…the kid is no longer going to school, the kid is in jail, or perhaps it will blow over?
If the parents are reasonable and you tell them, they will take reasonable steps. If you don’t tell them, then you may be preventing them from providing legal assistance.
If the parents are not reasonable and you tell them…I still say they would find out eventually.</p>
<p>I guess I wonder what the real reason the kid doesn’t want to tell hi parents…embarrassment (wishful thinking this will all go away) or some other consequence.</p>
<p>So what is worse? The parents cannot help legally if they don’t know, or they find out?</p>
<p>I am positive about the facts. I realize some of it seems farfetched without me revealing identifying information but I just need folks to trust me on that. jym-the story is more in line with the Aaron Schwartz situation. Good perspective. </p>
<p>Others-it is inevitable the parents find out. Hadn’t thought of it in that light. And all-the kid doesnt want to tell his parents because he is a kid and not many kids want to tell their parents when they are pushing the envelope and have been caught or just because they are embarrassed. Mom2and-that is definitely a big risk for me. My son reaches out to me for advice but is guarded about it. This will shake his trust…but I think it is for the right reason. Exams started today and the kids on the hall are all freaked and distracted about this.</p>
<p>I am truly grateful for each and every viewpoint. This is one of those “What would you do?” moral dilemna questions and the answer isn’t an easy one. I’m starting to lean one way but am going to look for more perspective first.</p>
<p>It sounds as if this probably has something to do with computer hacking.</p>
<p>I think it is jumping to conclusions to assume that the school will expel the kid and take away his scholarship simply for being suspected of involvement in something of that kind. But it is unclear to me why you are so certain that he has not, in fact, been involved with anything illegal. Lots of kids at that age would tend to regard it as a lark, especially if they were trying to break into a system just to prove they could do it, not with the intention of harming anyone. It is also possible, I suppose, that people with ill intent could take advantage of a somewhat naive kid with superior skills.</p>
<p>In any case, he ought to have a lawyer. But his friends have advised him to that effect. Of course, it is highly unlikely that he could afford one. He may fear that his parents couldn’t, either, or that it would be a significant financial blow to them. At the very least, someone needs to tell him to approach Legal Aid. Why don’t you get your S to do that?</p>
<p>I also doubt that you have any idea of how his parents will respond to being informed, by him or by someone else. He may be hesitating to tell them because he knows their response will be over the top. And, in fact, the FBI might have been questioning him mostly to get information about other people, it might go no further, and if you inform his parents you might be dealing irreparable harm to his relationship with them for no reason. (An interview conducted in a college dorm lounge sounds pretty casual, to me. I would think that if they had serious suspicions about him they would bring him into an office.)</p>
<p>If you really want to act, I would suggest asking your son to ask his friend to talk to you on the phone, with the promise that you will not inform his parents without his permission.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I would say that in that case it would have been appropriate for couple 1 to inform couple 2 that they had been told their son was expressing suicidal thoughts. Period. Revealing his sexuality was not their business. Let the parents talk with their son and let things develop between them.</p>
<p>Thinking about this further, I know several families in our town that were part of a rather extreme religious group. S once told me that when the subject came up, one of his friends from one of these families said very seriously that if he were gay he would kill himself. In a case like that, even knowing and liking the parents, my reaction to their S being gay would be to try to get the kid in touch with one of the support groups for gay and questioning teens, not telling the parents. </p>
<p>If it is an Aaron Schwartz type situation, then I think your son and his friends should sit down with the friend and explain to him that he needs a lawyer- ASAP, and if he needs to take a bunch of incompletes and finish up the semester over the summer, than that’s what has to happen. </p>
<p>You’ve got to walk through the phone call you are planning to have with the parents and realize that it may not end the way you think it’s going to end. In your mind, they thank you profusely for caring about their kid; they get a lawyer on the phone within 30 seconds of hanging up with you, they all rush to the college to embrace their son and remind him that they love him unconditionally. They hand the lawyer a 100k retainer and say, “Do whatever it takes, we are behind him 100%”.</p>
<p>The reality? Maybe not any or all of those things. Why? Because you don’t really know what happened with the FBI, and you don’t really know if this kid is a felon or an innocent bystander, and you don’t really know if this is an isolated incident or if in fact it’s a replay of something the parents have already lived through with their kid, and you don’t really know if the parents have 100K to hand over to a lawyer right now (if the kid needs a lawyer), etc.</p>
<p>You don’t know, and while I appreciate that you need to maintain the confidentiality of this situation, it’s likely that your son doesn’t know the full story either.</p>
<p>So if your relationship with your son is as good as it sounds, encourage him and the dorm mates to sit down with the friend and tell him to 'fess up to his parents and hire a lawyer. You don’t want to throw gasoline on a raging fire and if this information comes at the parents from strangers, that may well be the impact.</p>
<p>If your son – who has an actual relationship with the kid in question – thinks the parents ought to be informed, then he should do it.</p>
<p>I think this is one of those situations where I ask myself, “Would I be willing to lose this relationship by acting?” It’s possible that your son’s friend will be angry and won’t want to room with him after finding out that he’s told you and you’ve told his parents about the situation. That said, I think I would act. If the poor kid ends up in prison he won’t rooming with your son anyway. You can ask that the parents keep your name out of it when they talk to their son but there’s no way to guarantee that they will. I’d keep the conversation with the parents simple, admit that you don’t the whole story, but tell them that you’ve heard he was interviewed by authorities and suggest that they check in with him. I’d leave your son out of it so that if he needs to make you the fall guy to protect his relationship with his friend he can.</p>
<p>@JHS, I think you’ve found the answer!</p>
<p>If this is an issue with hacking, I think its even more unlikely that the institution is in the dark. Their services, their networks, their bandwidth are being used for just about any electronic activity that happens are their campus. </p>
<p>Its not an issue of hacking but is an issue along the lines of intellectual rather than criminal activity. I expect the university was involved in some way, but certainly not in notifying the boy or his parents that the conversation was coming.</p>
<p>As a parent, I would want to know. As the parent of an over-18 kid, the legalities are that I have no RIGHT to know. So while they may be “kids” (and in another recent thread some thought they are “kids” until they are completely self-supporting), the law says otherwise. 18+= not a kid. So they certainly can do as they please without calling the parents.</p>
<p>OP sounds a little frantic over a kid he does not know. I’m wondering if it’s really his OWN kid who’s in trouble. But in case it’s really a friend of the OP’s son that may or may not have done anything and may or may not be rooming with the SON, the son should call the kid’s parents. Full stop. Otherwise you get too many layers of hearsay and he said that they said that they heard through the door…and as a parent I would be hacked off at being called from a 4th party to the whole thing that may or may not even be true. </p>
<p>Thanks, sseamom. It is true and it is not my son but his hallmate and planned roomate for next year.</p>
<p>I was thinking more about this. What does your son want? Is he asking you to do something or just telling you what is going on? Perhaps he and his friends can convince the kid to (a) call his parents and (b) call a lawyer. Law enforcement is not his friend, and he could be digging himself into a hole he cant get out of.</p>
<p>These kids often think they know more than they do and dont ask for help til the mess is quite big. It the best of all worlds the kid should contact his parents. Perhaps you can help your son and his friends to get the kid to do so.</p>