Okay Venting, but Tired of Chauffeuring ETC.

Parent Cafe
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<p>…mostly tired of the inconsideration.</p>

<p>My older son had a friend stay at our house. I agreed to having him here for one night, but that one night turned into three nights! My son did not see the big deal because, “they stayed out of our way”. Well, I woke up one morning to pots and pans spread throughout my kitchen. My son was asleep, and I could not stand the mess sitting there for hours on end, until they decided to get up. This was their after midnight dinner, btw. I washed it all by hand, and unloaded my dishwasher. When my son woke up, I discussed this with him. He thought that they were very responsible because they loaded the dishwasher as much possible and ran it. The large mess (it was pretty large), was just the overflow. I explained that he could have washed the rest by hand, so that I would not need to. My son’s response was, “By hand?”. The next morning, I wanted to run my washing machine, but it was filled with my son’s friend’s wet clothes. Apparently, he made himself at home, and he decided to run his wash in my machine, and then leave with my son (my son has a job to go to, and they went together) before finishing his laundry. There was no note, or instructions, so I put the kid’s clothes through my dryer (hope the clothes did not shrink), and then I folded them for him. He did not thank me, apologize for leaving his clothes there etc. He also did not thank me for hosting him for 3 days. sigh…Manners, where are they?</p>

<p>My younger son wanted to see a movie. We were already on the road, so I agreed to drive and pick up the tickets. We were in a local restaurant when my son called his friend who said that he would like to go, and wanted to his gf to come too. Fine. I was to drive to the theatre and buy the tickets and was to be reimbursed. I agreed, but told my son to make sure that I would be paid back, and that I was willing to drive in one direction (none of them drive yet), but I wanted to make sure that another parent was willing to drive as well. We got to the theatre, tickets were available for all show times and my son called his friend. He told us that he would call back in 2 seconds, which ended up taking 10 minutes of our baking in the hot sun for the call back. PS, the kid does not have the money for the tickets. No, I did not buy them, and my son apologized for his friend. I explained to my son how inconsiderate this was. I wasted my time, stood in the hot sun for too long, was being asked to gift the tickets to them, and wasted gas $$ to drive there for nothing (we drove there since we were half way there already, but that is not the point). If the friend knew that he did not have the money, why not just say so from the start?</p>

<p>I realize that it is silly to sweat the small stuff, and it is small stuff, and unfortunately we have had our share of much more unpleasant things, but still, I just can’t believe the nerve. BTW, I am not sweating it, but these things are still annoying.</p>

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<p>I feel for you!</p>

<p>S has a roommate who is staying with us this summer. He is super responsible, does the dishes every evening, does his own laundry and keeps his room (S1’s) much tidier than S2 does his! I’m hoping his tidiness rubs off on S2. Fat chance!</p>

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<p>The whole summer, wow, you are brave. Well, we like our privacy, but we don’t mind having a guest for a few days. After that, I like to reclaim my home. It makes it so much easier if they are neat, appreciative, and considerate.</p>

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<p>Northeastmom: I feel for you too. Since these kids can’t drive yet, they’re still young – and young ones often don’t “get it” – how much we do that’s inconvenient, how much things like gas really cost, etc. I think you’re within your rights to say, the next time you’re all together, “Hey, guys, could you help out by [fill in the blank – emptying the dishwasher, washing the pots by hand, etc.]?” I think that when they’re that young, these things just plain don’t occur to them.</p>

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<p>veryhappy, I cross posted with you. You are right, but my son and his friend are 20 years old! I blame my son just as much as his friend. The problem is that when they make that type of mess, I am not awake. I don’t cook at 2 AM!</p>

<p>The younger ones, also leave a mess when they come. I stopped buying gum and oreo cookies for that reason. They open up and dunk those cookies in milk and live a mushy mess everywhere. Even at 16, I find chewed gum in places other than the trash can! They still bring gum in, even though I have not bought it in years. My older son did not do that, so I guess he and his friends get points for that!</p>

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<p>northeastmom, I think you have every right to be annoyed. Both scenarios would be upsetting. </p>

<p>We had a couple of college tennis players stay with us recently, which we had volunteered to host for a local tournament so they didn’t have to stay in a hotel. They were very nice and polite, but it was still an inconvenience. Since we have teenage boy athletes ourselves, I thought I had the food thing down, but I was still astounded by how much they could eat–cereal box and bag of bagels emptied in a single seating kind of thing. The real sour note, however, was that I put out a brand new set of towels bought specially to go with the guest bathroom remodel and sure enough one of the boys must have stuffed the bath towel in with his dirty clothes by mistake and took it home. I don’t expect to ever see it again.</p>

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<p>Actually, I’m happy the roommate is with us. He keeps S2 company. They have similar tastes and sense of humor. And, as I said, he is neat and very responsible.</p>

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<p>I would be very annoyed, too. It’s one think for 12-13 year-olds to act like that, but totally another for 20-year-olds! My S is clueless like that, so your scenario just makes me frustrated and I’m not even experiencing it!</p>

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<p>theAnalyst, I learned about towels, LOL. When I don’t expect company for my husband or myself, I put out older towels. They are still nice, but nothing special. The new towels are set out in our guest bathroom 10 minutes before company. I know to do this, bc my boys and their friends wet hand towels when shaving or doing their acne treatment rituals. They have been known to throw towels on the floor, and a few times they have even landed on top of the bathroom wastebasket. Hand towels rarely make it into the laundry basket where they belong if they are dirty! Clean hand towels do not stay neatly displayed on the towel rack, the way I display them. At least bath towels make it to the laundry basket.</p>

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<p>momofinca, thank you. Now, I feel like less of an old hag and a nag. I feel this is just common courtesy, and a matter of decent adult behavior. I would never dream of popping my clothes into someone’s washing machine without asking (I am sure he asked my son though), and then just leaving everything wet in it, and then not even apologizing and thanking the person who dealt with it.
Not thanking for having him for 3 days, and for them to leave the pots there while they slept past noon is just over the top. At 20 years old, I find it really all unacceptable. My son, and the other boy (not man, but boy) were raised with manners, and to know better. Is this what goes on in other households?</p>

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<p>Do you live in an area where one can get around without driving (walking, biking, on the bus, etc)? If so, I think it would be reasonable to not chauffeur them around. I didn’t get chauffeured around for small things like going to the movies once I was about 12.</p>

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<p>I always remind my kids when they stay over for an extended time at some place other than their own homes to act BETTER than they would at their own home…company manners, help out, put things away, etc.</p>

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<p>ellemonope, great advice. I do the same. I can only hope.</p>

<p>jessie, we live an area, where driving is usually necessary. One can walk or bike to a few places, but not the movies. We don’t have good public transit.</p>

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<p>All of my S’s roommates and a few more are in town this summer; they regularly meet at our home, have late snacks, etc…, but they always leave the kitchen spotless. They know that if they did not, it would be the last time they would be allowed into my home.</p>

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<p>" I explained that he could have washed the rest by hand, so that I would not need to. My son’s response was, “By hand?”"</p>

<p>LOLOL. My middle son also has no trouble loading a dishwasher but some kind of aversion to washing pots and pans by hand. Fortunately, my youngest son has a mild compulsion to keep the kitchen clean. Some days he cleans it because it bothers him if there are dirty dishes. I had to have three other kids before I got the one who isn’t afraid to wash something by hand. I feel like it’s some kind of reward.</p>

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<p>marite, that is the key. I will make much more structured rules for the next visit. I did say only one night, but they totally disregarded that. Then they disregarded basic manners as well. It is a shame that I need to set rules as though they are 10 years old.</p>

<p>mimk, I must say, that my younger son, is willing to help much more in the kitchen. They each are willing to do different things. My older son cooks, my younger one is more willing to deal with the dishes and his laundry. My older son is willing to clean a bathroom, but my younger son has run away from that job so far.</p>

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<p>My 19 year old son will do almost any chore I ask him to do, and usually fairly quickly. But the key is that I have to ask - he doesn’t notice that the sink is overflowing with dishes and the dishwasher needs to be emptied. D, on the other hand, will argue with me - or worse, say she’ll do something but then procrastinate FOREVER, and when I start to nag she says, “I told you I’ll do it! I’m doing it! Geez…”</p>

<p>NEMom, your story reminds me of something that happened this spring. DH was driving 3 1/2 hours to his mother’s house for a visit. I had dropped D off at the movies to meet friends “A” & “R” for a 5:00 show. At 7 pm she called me to bring her, A & R home. By the time I got to the theater, approx 5 miles north of our house, the plan had…ummmm… evolved. Now I was asked if I could PLEASE drop off A (lives 3 miles south of me), pick up K (lives near me), and drive K, D, and R to “P’s” house - about 10 miles EAST of me. I said yes. Heck, they were all in the car with me, I got to listen in and find out all the good gossip/news from the hs, I knew where D was and that she was with a safe driver (me!), and I figured I could bank this so that the next time D started whining I could remind her about all my driving this evening! Funny part - I called DH to tell him what was going on. He said he’d probably get to his mom’s house 3 states away before I finished all my driving. And he’d probably use less gas.</p>

<p>Teenagers’ social lives = big cause of global warming.</p>

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<p>I love it!</p>

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<p>Lafalum84, great story. It sounds like a few days of my life during the summer. I say yes too, because then I can remind my son that I drove the last time, so it is another parent’s turn :slight_smile: (I especially like it when the other parent gets do the midnight pickup :)).</p>

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<p>northeastmom- I can totally get your rant.
I hate all the driving. I still have a 14 yr old at home. Last weekend she asked for a ride home from a fast food place she had walked to with friends. It was presented as pick up my D and one friend who lived nearby. I get to the place. 5 kids get in the car. The other 3 need a ride back to the park where one of them is dancing at a festival. Not one of the kids said a word to me. Plus I then had to wait while my D went and picked up her overnight bag she had left at the park. This park is a nightmare when a weekend festival is going on. There was no where for me to park. I ended up circling the parking lot. The young man who ended up coming home with us was very talkative and polite once the other 3 were out of the car. I could not believe not one of the others thanked me for the ride.
My 18 yr old male has a friend who since age 5 has spent a ton of nights at our house. Over the years the nights have become more frequent. He eats, swims, sleeps and is just around making messes. Early this summer my son made some poor choices with this boy. It was the straw that broke the camels back for my husband. He banned said young man from our house. My kids were shocked but it has been so nice. My son has another good friend who sleeps over at times but he is the exact opposite. He cleans up, helps me bring in the groceries. Is always making sure he is not a pest.
The driver to the movies is another pain. It always seems that the other parent is not available for either drive. Or they always want the drive that is earlier or the one that doesn’t involve traffic. We live semi rural with no bus so the kids do need rides most places.</p>