<p>The problem with saying that manners don’t go out of style is that manners are so arbitrary and variable.</p>
<p>For example, it’s NOT considered particularly polite to hold open doors in Japan.</p>
<p>be honest, if a boy bowed/kneeled/whatever they do to kiss a girl on the hand, what do you think the girl would do? I would bet money on pulling their hand away, or if nothing else getting a “what the heck is he doing?” look on their face</p>
<p>and as far as making plans ahead of time… well, you can plan things quickly with one person or large groups of people over instant messaging programs, which wasn’t a possibility 10+ years ago.</p>
<p>I just asked D what the teen guidelines are on this and she agrees that saying “no” politely and not dancing that dance is acceptable. She then said that it is more acceptable to “suck it up” and dance with the guy.</p>
<p>Manners is not set in stone, its knowing how to make others around you comfortable…for instance, in some places, a peck on the cheek to say hello is welcome, in others, not, so a person with manners, watches, learns and remembers- if they hold a door open in Japan and sees discomfort, they remember for the next time</p>
<p>My Ds have had their hands kissed by my Hs older friends, as I said they think its quaint and pass no judgement. If a boy did it, a girl with class, will smile and say, why thank you. That is all. Its the snickering and rolling of eyes and talking about it after that is shows no manners.</p>
<p>Manners implies being classy and caring about others feelings and letting little faux pas’ pass with no comment</p>
<p>I have had boys hold doors open for me, I have had girls call the next day to thank me for driving them home, its little classy things that make the world easier and they are usually effortless</p>
<p>I guess I am a bad mom cause I never told my girls they had to dance with whomever asked them, and I sure have never danced with whomever asked me.
as long as you decline politely- I personally don’t even see the big deal in dancing with someone else. Are egos really that delicate that they can’t stand any rejection at all?</p>
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<p>I would say “sweet.” </p>
<p>Here in the South, boys do that a lot - and it’s great. Kissing on the lips isn’t the same - implies that you want more. </p>
<p>No, you don’t kneel down to do it - unless you are proposing, and you better be putting a ring on said hand afterwards. You lift her hand to your lips.</p>
<p>Sigh. Anyone else need the world explained?</p>
<p>Im glad to see a thread on this subject, because IMHO, civility, courtesy, and yes, manners, are immensely important characteristics of a happy, engaged, and productive person .characteristics that we parents can actually have some positive influence developing in our kids. </p>
<p>As citygirlsmom points out, manners & etiquette, the specific gestures that is, performed in the practice of civility and courtesy, are relative to the situation and culture at hand. And we all know that teenagers can constitute their own tribal-like culture, making conventional (i.e., adult) etiquette sometimes seem foreign. However, some principals of civility are intractable in my book, like demonstrating respect and sensitivity for the feelings of those around you, especially those that have taken the risk, so to speak, of being courteous to you. Going back to the OP, the offer of a dance was that risky gesture, and I agree whole-heartedly with citygirlsmom on her advice to her girls about not dancing with someone else, avoiding a rejection signal, and therefore respecting the feelings of the offeror.</p>
<p>On the subject of old fashioned or seemingly archaic etiquette, my observation is that when one discovers the positives of being courteous, the olden ways take on a new meaning .perhaps grandma & grandpa werent so fuddy-duddy (well, perhaps not that extreme). What I mean is that a light-bulb goes off that tried&trued gestures of respect take on new relevance. (Im not-so-patiently waiting for this to happen with my 14 yr old D; my 17 yr old S seems to have seen the light somewhat!) Im all for a kiss on the cheat or a door opening, assuming those are accepted forms of courteous gestures for the culture at hand, i.e., they will be received as courteous gestures and signs of respect.</p>
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<p>By “the world,” you mean “your world,” right? 'Cause in “my world,” people don’t even make physical contact.</p>
<p>It’s depressing here.</p>
<p>Those guys employed to shove you into those overcrowded trains make physical contact!</p>
<p>But in Japan they pretend they aren’t touching on the train or in any other crowded place…out of site, out of mind.</p>
<p>UCLAri,</p>
<p>Must make the 'ole romantic life a chore…that’s the saddest thing of heard since breakfast.</p>
<p>Don’t be depressed it is kinda like the teen girls who just pretend they aren’t pregnant or the newly revirginized evangelicals…denial.</p>
<p>hazmat,</p>
<p>That’s the strangest…yet best response yet. Bravo.</p>
<p>Let me elaborate: The Japanese do not hug. EVER. I’ve seen spouses be reunited after long periods of separation and do nothing but BOW. I watched a wedding where the bride and groom made no contact during the whole ceremony.</p>
<p>Gah.</p>
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<p>Thankfully, my girlfriend is quite happy to cuddle. I need it after spending long periods with zero contact with anyone.</p>
<p>Ok now I must ask…are you aspiring to come and study in US? Have you been to US or are you familiar at a distance???</p>
<p>I would add telephone manners to the list of things I’ve taught the kids over the years. I wrote this on the other thread (about what your kid’s friends do that drive you crazy) but it’s relevant here too. One thing that has always driven me crazy is when a friend calls up and says “Is S there?” No hello Mrs. So and So, no indication that the kid has been in my house dozens of times and knows me well! What’s even worse are the adults who do the same thing!!</p>
<p>The apples fall not far from the tree…</p>
<p>Oh! Did I write about my boy asking another boy to dance??<br>
oops! The reason I’ve given my sons to dance with any GIRL that asks them to is that a dance only lasts 3 minutes and it must take a lot of nerve to ask someone for a dance. Why not just do it and make that person feel good? </p>
<p>I know this is really old fashioned but I also have my kids call all adults by their formal (Mr., Mrs.) names. That goes until end of high school and then it’s up to the adults to tell them what they want to be called. Pretty common around here.</p>
<p>When doing the carpooling and chaperoning there seemed to be an invariable rule: the ones who called me Mr. Dad were always the ones that I was happy to invite to call me by first name; the ones who presumed to call me “The” were the ones that I would have preferred to call me Mr. Dad. Perhaps I am just excessively contrary.</p>
<p>I’ve tried to tell my son that material things are not important, spiritual richness is.</p>
<ol>
<li> Defend a lady’s honor.</li>
<li> Show sincere interest in kids who are treated by the group as unpopular or different. Everyone has feelings that can be hurt.</li>
<li> Never call adults by their first names.</li>
<li> Treat the elderly with respect.</li>
<li> Hold the door for people.</li>
<li> Engage in polite conversation with people of all ages.</li>
<li> Make eye contact with people.</li>
<li> Learn good telephone etiquette.</li>
<li> When you receive a gift, write a thank you note within 2 days.</li>
<li> Go out of your way to understand and help other people. No matter how little you may have, there are many others who have far less, give til it hurts. If you don’t have much money, donate goods, services, or your time to listen and provide words of encouragement. Give what you have.</li>
</ol>