Older mom most likely dying. What to do.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My mid- eighties mom has recently taken a downward spiral in health. It was very sudden, but is serious. </p>

<p>She went from an active involved senior to a person on oxygen, not leaving her home w/ a hospital bed in her living room in a matter of months. She was diagnosed w/ double pneumonia on Friday.</p>

<p>I am the executer of the will. She has a will and has kept good files. </p>

<p>Do any of you have some hints, suggestion about how to deal. What should I do first? What questions should I ask when she is alive?</p>

<p>I do not mean to sound like an ignoramus and I could figure it out. But I just thought if any of you could help w/ what to do first and what not to do, I would appreciate your sharing.</p>

2

<p>Sorry to hear this sad news. Make sure you know all the information about insurance policies, bank accounts and passwords, as well as how to get access to any safe deposit boxes. The original of the will needs to be available and NOT in a safe deposit box that you might need the will to get to! Make sure you understand her end of life wishes (DNR etc). It’s tough.</p>

3

<p>Does she have a living will–regarding her wish of “do not resuscitate” or the use of machines to keep her alive?</p>

4

<p>Questions to ask when she is alive?</p>

<p>ask her what her favorite memories of you two together are and tell her yours</p>

<p>what was her favorite christmas and why</p>

<p>are there photos with people in them that only she will know who they are?</p>

<p>such a sad time but a chance to remember together and say goodbye</p>

5

<p>I’m so sorry you are going through this. </p>

<p>Yes, end of life conversation is key. Has she given you a durable general power of attorney? If not, I recommend that - makes things much easier with regard to treatment, safe deposit boxes, bank accounts, etc.</p>

6

<p>I appreciate all your suggestions about what to ask when alive. I know that the minute she dies, I will regret not asking something. I love her madly and enjoy talking to her.</p>

<p>But, after she dies, what should i do first?</p>

7

<p>Morris,</p>

<p>First, I am so sorry that you are going through this. We are never ready for the death of a parent. If your Mom has significant financial assets, and you know where she wants her money to go AND her death is quite certain, I would have her “gift” some of that money prior to her death so that money does not fall into the “estate” and be part of the estate taxes. Other than that, love your mother with all your heart. When my grandmother was dying at home, she kept asking me and my mother to “close the window” even though the windows were closed. She would get upset if we didn’t do anything. So I would go over and open the window and then close it. It worked every time.</p>

<p>CS</p>

8

<p>Is Hospice involved? They are a wonderful group and can help with every kind of detail, including what to do afterward. They were immensely helpful to my mother when my stepfather died, guiding her gently in so many ways, so he was comfortable at home with her the whole time. If you want to know more about the legal details, I’d call the lawyer who made the will for specific advice (though Hospice will have experience there too). And, all good wishes to you, in such a sad time.</p>

9

<p>Do you have siblings and children? If so, please find some time for each of them to be with their mother/grandmother as well.</p>

<p>When it became very apparent that my mother was going to die in the near future, my husband and I spoke to a wonderful funeral director about plans (she was cremated) and we prepaid this also so that it would not be money included in her estate. I know this is a difficult thing to do, but it was much easier making these plans while my mom (who had dementia and didn’t really know what was happening) was alive than it would have been scrambling around to make arrangements when she died. Again…I believe Hospice can give you some advice here. We got it from the skilled care facility where my mom was. </p>

<p>I also made arrangements with one very close work colleague so that when my mom died, I actually called her and she called work for me…and did some notifications for me related to my job. </p>

<p>If you have photo albums bring those with you each time you see your mom and talk about the events. My mom loved seeing the old pictures of family gatherings, dance recitals, concerts, vacations, etc. And it cheered her up. We also made phone calls each time…short ones…to someone in the family.</p>

<p>As mentioned, even when you anticipate the death of a parent, it is still a difficult time.</p>

10

<p>My heart is breaking for you. We will be there sooner than we would like with my MIL.</p>

<p>Do you know who your mother’s lawyer/accountant/ stockbroker/insurance broker are? They could help you start getting organized as far as legal and financial concerns are involved. Would your mother like to meet with them now?</p>

<p>if you will need money from your mother’s estate to pay for medical or funeral expenses, or other bills, it might be a good thing to have you and your mother arrange for whatever transfers are necessary now, if your mother is still capable of doing this. Keep good records if there are siblings/other family members involved.</p>

<p>Also ask her if she would like to create a list of having certain mementos go to certain people, especially if there are stories behind them…and write down the stories to share with the recipients. My grandmother always wanted me to have a certain set of china, and there was a special story behind it as to why, and as nice as the china is, it is the story that makes it so special to me.</p>

<p>Definitely remove anything you will need (her will, savings passbooks etc) from the safety deposit box now, as it will be locked when she dies.</p>

<p>But most of all, just spend time with her.</p>

11

<p>I am sorry to hear about your Mom. I just lost my Mom this past May after several months of illness and this site helped a lot.</p>

<p>The main advice that helped me was to not rush into anything afterwards. Everything will be there when you get to it. Do not close any bank accounts etc. There were several checks that had to be deposited afterwards which was easily done because I followed this advice. </p>

<p>As a matter of fact, we have not even sent in the paperwork for the life insurance yet. </p>

<p>Spend as much time with her as you can now and give yourself a chance to grieve later. </p>

<p>Again, I am so sorry you are going through this and my thoughts and prayers are with you.</p>

12

<p>Morrismm - I am so sorry to hear about your mom. It is heartbreaking to see them so vulnerable.</p>

<p>Once suggestion - google the phase essential document locator. It is a simple system that can be modified so that you can start to figure out where all her important papers are. Obviously, some things won’t pertain to you, but it is great master checklist.</p>

<p>I have mentioned this many times on the board, but I am responsible for a number of older adults and it can be overwhelming. Take care and visit the lighthearted threads often.</p>

13

<p>I am so sorry that you are going through this. I guess most of us will be in your shoes sometime … one of the facts of life that they didn’t tell us when we were younger. I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts & prayers during this difficult time. I will be taking notes as you get advice, since my own parents are older.</p>

14

<p>Since this came on so suddenly, you might ask her if there’s anything she’d like you to dispose of now, quietly, that she wouldn’t want others to see. Examples: old groups of letters, very personal items in her drawers, and so on. Don’t ask her anything about it; just do it for her.</p>

<p>Do you know where is her address book/contact info for friends? Sometime when you have a few hours, e.g. if she’s sleeping, organize your list for whom to call on the day she dies, to notify them. Also update phone number list for your relatives.</p>

<p>Ask her if she made any prior arrangements with any funeral home. If so, call them to verify it’s as she thinks. If not, ascertain a general outline of her wishes and then make those contacts now. You can pre-arrange a package, so on the day she passes you make just one call and they take it forward for you as in your plan. Take a day or so to think over your choices before you sign any contract, so this might take two trips.</p>

<p>Pay your own bills ahead so you don’t get caught short while taking of her. </p>

<p>Ask to see her calendar to find out if she has any routine doctor/dentist appointments pending in the coming months. Contact and inform them of her situation and discuss whether they should be rescheduled. Some doctors now charge for missed/no show appointments, so you don’t want to incur these charges on her behalf. </p>

<p>What you’re doing is important and also draining. Tell your best friend what you’re doing and ask him/her to substitute in you for part of a day at her bedside. You may well need some hours to tend to your own life and not get burned out during this time period.</p>

<p>Stay strong and treasure the talks you have with her now!</p>

<p>Having just gone through this, I will tell you that if your doctor has suggested “Hospice,” please follow through and let them help you and her. If that hasn’t been mentioned, ask her doctor to set it up.</p>

15

<p>Does your mom still own a car? When my grandmother had terminal cancer, she signed her car over to my dad. I think my dad then sold it, but that way it wasn’t an issue after her death.</p>

<p>I’m sorry for you to be facing this near the holidays. My dad died right before Christmas and that is such a difficult time to be having a family emergency (not sure if you celebrate Christmas, but wishing you strength in any case).</p>

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<p>I am sorry that you are going through this.</p>

<p>To me, the most important thing is making sure you know what kind of death she wants to have so that your last gift to her will be helping her achieve that. </p>

<p>[Aging</a> With Dignity Five Wishes](<a href=“http://www.agingwithdignity.org/five-wishes.php]Aging”>For Myself  · Five Wishes)</p>

<p>Unless your mother doesn’t want to talk about this, do not shy away from talking about the obvious: that she is dying. Say the things that you wish to let her know before dying. Laugh with her, too. </p>

<p>It is a very precious time being with a dying loved one. </p>

<p>I also strongly suggest getting hospice involved. While my father died in his sleep after a years-long decline, and my mother died suddenly, so I was not able to be with them as you are able to be with your mother, I have been with dying friends, and it is a very special time. Emotionally painful as it may be, there is joy being able to be so intimately with someone whom you love.</p>

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<p>So sorry morrismm. The first thing I would do is consult the estate attorney who prepared the will. Indeed, she should have a living will and given that 2010 is a year with zero estate tax, it might suggested modifications to the current will. Also, if the estate is sizable, being sole executor is a huge job. It’s often better to have 2 executors and it strikes me you have a mature, business oriented young adult who might be a big help. All the best to you and your family.</p>

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<p>No matter which, if any, holidays you celebrate this month, the fact is that if you are counting on home health care to take some of the burden it can be difficult to set up or ramp up during December. I encourage you to get more assistance than you think you need if she is going to be at home.</p>

<p>My mother died 19 years ago this winter. I remember clearly being pregnant and trying to coordinate the home health care. During the holiday season, it’s quite difficult.</p>

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<p>I’m so sorry for what you are dealing with. I lost my mother Dec. 17,2003. She had a chronic illness, was on oxygen. She took a sudden downturn also and was gone in a week.<br>
Everyone has given you good advice but the best piece is to be with her as much as you can right now. The business parts can be sorted out later. </p>

<p>I was helping my Mom weed some things out of her closet a month before she passed away. I pulled one dress out to donate and she stopped me. “That’s my funeral dress” she said. I would have never thought to ask that question. After she died and the funeral home called wanting us to bring her things over,my sister started to panic about it. I was glad to tell her not to worry because I knew exactly what Mom wanted done.</p>

<p>I had also asked her to tell me her favorite hymns. I really asked just because I wanted to know and remember forever but it was another piece of good information to have when planning her memorial service.
I really wish I had asked more questions like that.</p>

<p>I’ll be thinking of you, morrismm.</p>

20

<p>Agreeing with post #l8. Also note that Hospice and home health care are not the same item.</p>

<p>“Hospice” can help you administer medication, guide and advise you practically and emotionally. They have visiting nurses, chaplains, nurses aides and sometimes volunteers. They do not provide service hour-after-hour, as some imagine. Hospice won’t have holiday delays. Medicare covers their cost of service, or at least did in our family recently. </p>

<p>“Home health care” might mean a bonded agency that sends people in on shifts, to do her personal care and related housecleaning, laundry, meal prep and so on as she worsens. Hospice might advice you on a good Home Health Care agency to use. </p>

<p>Unlike Hospice, “Home health care” agencies will likely be impacted by holiday schedules, so set up hours now for what you think might be needed a few weeks from now. Medicare doesn’t cover any “home health care” agency fees unless she’s in dire poverty, in which case you’d make a beeline to your nearest county agency for assistance.</p>