<p>morrismm, my heart goes out to you. You’ve gotten lots of good advice here, especially about Hospice. When my mother was dying 10 years ago, the Hospice nurses were like angels. </p>
<p>Here’s a small piece of practical advice: make sure that you get plenty of notarized copies of her death certificate. We needed notarized copies for several things - like changing the title of the house into just my my dad’s name, taking her name off their joint bank accounts, etc. I don’t know how much of this applies to your situation, I just remember having, I think, 5 original copies and being surprised that we used all of them.</p>
<p>I’m really sorry to hear about your Mom. There are a thousand things that you could do. I’d suggest the following prioritization:</p>
<p>(1) Stuff that will benefit you and your mom that can only be done while she’s alive. Spending time, sharing memories, having your mom talk about her life, etc.</p>
<p>(2) Stuff that will benefit you (the Executor) that can only be done while she’s alive. Making sure you understanding of the Will is the same as your Mom’s, making sure your Mom’s Healthcare Proxy and Durable Power of Attorney documents are in order, knowing where her house keys and safety deposit keys are, etc. </p>
<p>(3) Stuff that can just as well be done once your Mom has passed.</p>
<p>As others have said, being Executor is a time-consuming and emotionally draining obligation. Have friends and relatives help, provided they are willing. Good luck.</p>
<p>Not to sound crass, but what kind of time frame are you talking about? Are you concerned about what to do in the immediate minutes/hours after she dies? Or in days and months after she dies. Both periods of time have their own matters to be dealt with. Since I work with hospice, I’m used to hearing families ask the question what to do when someone dies, as in immediately, so my insight is biased to that. If she’s in hospice, they should be educating you on what to expect at her death, and what to do immediately afterwards (you always call them first, especially if she’s still at home because they will need to dispatch a nurse to her home no matter what time it is).</p>
<p>morrismm - I am so sorry. I lost my own Mom in January after an illness of many many years.
She died at home with my dad. If she dies at home and hospice is involved then you would call them. They will handle everything including the transfer of the body.
My Mom did not have hospice (she had fired them a year earlier) and it was just my dad. My brother and I were flying down to them that morning and my Dad just waited for us to arrive.
We called 911 and the police and ambulance came. After it was determined she had indeed died and the police contacted her physician, the ambulance left and we waited for the funeral home to come. If this happens to you, expect the police to stay until the funeral home comes. They will also want to inventory all her medicines and if there are narcotics, the police will take them away for disposal. In our case, it took hours for the funeral home to come and the police stayed mostly in the cruiser in front of the house to give us some privacy. When the funeral home comes, they should allow you a few minutes to say good bye. With us they asked us the leave the house did not want us to watch covering her and transferring her.
Of course, if she is religious and has a priest, pastor, rabbi etc you can contact them - if available they may be able to come out to the house for prayers which you may find comforting.</p>
<p>If she hasn’t communicated to you - ask where she wants to be buried and how. This is the one thing my parents (who wintered in Fla) would not discuss with us and my Dad was left figuring it out. We opted for cremation since transferring a body over 1000 miles is crazy expensive.
Discuss with your children what you will do - have a funeral right away? wait for a later date? will you fly them in? My sibs came down to Fla but since there were 14 grandchildren in various stages of school and life - they didn’t come to the Memorial Mass. My dad opted for a big celebration at her burial in the spring when everyone could come.
Many {{{{hugs}}}} to you.</p>
<p>Sorry about your mom. I lost my mom a few years ago under similar circumstances, and I wish I had some of the suggestions above as to business matters. I ended up arranging the funeral and burial for the most part which involved transportation from Florida to NY, and it was expensive. Since my parents belonged to a “cemetary association” (for lack of a better term), through a fraternal lodge type of organization, the place was already arranged, but not anything else. It is expensive, and since there were no prior arrangements for everything else, I ended up charging it, and waiting a number of months to be repaid from the estate. </p>
<p>My mom died in the hospital, but it took time for the death certificate to be prepared, and permission to remove her body to be shipped etc. (longer than I thought would be necessary.) Also, I think someone had to sign papers in florida, so my brother who was there at the time took care of things on that end. You can’t be in two places at once, so if your mom is not in the same area as you are, try to enlist help for yourself.</p>
<p>I hope she doesn’t suffer too much, and my best thoughts to you in this difficult time.</p>
<p>I too am sorry. I lost both parents and a beloved sister in a year in a half and the one thing that stands out to me that would have been helpful the first time was knowing what kind of funeral the person wanted. We had no idea what my dad wanted and my mother couldn’t help. We did know he wanted to be cremated but what to do with the ashes? With the next two, I knew we were again going to go the cremation route with a lovely memorial service (no urns at the service) but now I had 3 urns of ashes with no instructions. So, I dispersed them the way I thought my parents and sister would have appreciated. It would have been a lot less stressful if I had had some direction on this.</p>
<p>I feel if you have a rough plan in place (even if you have to make it yourself) then it is easier to just follow the steps when you can’t think very straight.</p>
<p>I take the OP’s question as being legal and practical rather than emotional. I don’t mean to slight the emotional and compassionate issues – I think they are more important – but here are some things that may make your job easier down the road:</p>
<p>Get as many accounts as possible put in joint name, either with you or with the person who would inherit the account.</p>
<p>Make certain you know where all safe-deposit boxes are, and where the keys are (although that’s not ultimately so necessary).</p>
<p>Make certain you know all bank and investment accounts she holds.</p>
<p>Does show own a burial plot? Does she have a right to get one from a church, etc.?</p>
<p>Make certain you know where the signed copy of the most recent will is. Also, who drafted it. And who does her taxes. And if she has a regular attorney.</p>
<p>One other thing – understand that if you are doing anything under a power of attorney, her death will terminate your authority there.</p>
<p>Keep good records of anything you spend on funeral costs or end-of-life care. Relatives often advance that money, but they can be reimbursed from the estate.</p>
<p>You were very fortunate. I’m guessing there was a DNR; otherwise most municipalities will require their EMTs to perform CPR when they arrive after a call… if the body is even slightly warm. If you’re on hospice, there is no need for the police; whoever comes from hospice will call the person’s physician and notify them (and make calls to the county coroner to get authorization to release the body to the funeral home if your county requires it); they also call the funeral home. </p>
<p>Again, these are all things that take place somewhat immediately after someone dies. I’m still wondering if that’s what the OP was asking, or she was referring more to the days/weeks/months following. I’m also thinking that since we have not heard back from the OP, we can make assumptions that her mom has not recovered from the pneumonia.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the input. One thing that makes matters worse is that I live in a different state than my mom. I have been talking to her everyday and asking questions about insurance and bank accounts, etc. But I’m not there with her.</p>
<p>Is there any way that you can be with her for an extended period? I know people who took time off from work to do this, though I can understand if due to the economy, you can’t do that.</p>
<p>My sympathies too. But if I may comment only in the material sense, here goes one not yet mentioned. Ask if she has any changes she desires different than her will. Does she have any specific items that go to a specific heir? My wife’s family had a huge argument over a number of collections (coins, war memorabilia, etc) that different members of the family said the parent had intended for them. Unfortunately, though there was a will there was no mention of specific items. It made quite a mess. Should they sell collection and split money? Give to heir solely based on their comment? Give to heir but subtract the value from their share of estate? Split up collection among family?
In her experience it was the grey areas that caused conflict. Document document document. Remember too that the executor has a tough job; to see that specific wishes were carried out, to be in charge of legal matters, and the toughest part of all- refereeing disputes when there is no documented specific wish. Tough job, but the parent chose this person as the executor to do that very thing. Not to take votes, but to be the one making decisions.</p>
<p>In my wife’s family, the oldest D was selected as executrix, but a S was the oldest child. That too, was an area of conflict. Why not him? He was the S. He was the oldest. The D was chosen because she was smarter, and far more level-headed. She was much better suited for administering the process fairly.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry to hear about your mom, this is such a hard thing. When H’s mom passed away she was on her own, FIL had passed away many years before, and very far away from all her children. Besides all the great advice already offered, I would add - does she have a pet or pets? Are there library books checked out? Has she rented medical equipment? Where does she keep keys, car keys? Does she have a list of people she would like you to contact? Ask her if there is anything else she is concerned about, if she feels you are taking care of these details she may feel more at peace.</p>
There was indeed a DNR on file with physicians, home health care and hospital. She was ambulatory until the day before she died, my dad took great care of her and they felt hospice was too intrusive. Looking back, I probably should have insisted since it would have been easier at the time of death.
Also, when my dad realized she had died, in her sleep, we were enroute and he waited a few hours until we got there and my brother ultimately made the call. </p>
<p>JHS- makes a good point about keeping track of expenses to be reimbursed by the estate.</p>
<p>Younghoss - also excellent points about specific items. My mother had the forethought to give her jewelry away to her granddaughters’ over the course of the last few years when she stopped wearing it.
Giving it away prior to death is much easier.</p>
<p>Also - if she is up to it, think about her obituary. Sometimes the funeral home will write it or you can write it. My MIL was 99 when she died and she had written hers 10 years earlier.</p>
<p>My M has requested in lieu of flowers, donations to local pet care facilities, such as local Humane Society or local rescue networks.
She has specific ideas: she wants each of them to give local- and not just mail off a donation to a national facility. And as for the flowers- she says “give me the flowers now so I can enjoy them!” That would go in her obit so those reading it will know her wishes.</p>
<p>My sympathies. My bike riding partner who cared for his mom and uncle, recently told me that within the next year or two that we should be prepared for the passing of our parents (4) who are all 90+, 3 were gp physcians.</p>
<p>It’s been mentioned, but I’m going to emphasize - make sure you have her sign a durable general power of attorney. Things will be SO much easier.</p>
<p>A durable general power of attorney is terminated by the death of the grantor. That’s not to say that she shouldn’t have one, if she doesn’t already – it can be very important during a final illness. But at death everything resets at zero and the power goes to the executor(s) once confirmed in the probate process. </p>
<p>If the decedent had placed some or all of her property in a revocable trust, the trustee of that trust (or successor trustee, if the grantor was the original trustee) DOES have the power to deal with the trust’s assets and accounts after the grantor’s death.</p>
<p>I am not a huge fan of deathbed will changes – it’s not necessarily a great time to make decisions. The exception is if there is something really, really wrong with the will. Relatives are dealing with something like that now – a woman whose 30-year-old will left everything to her estranged husband, cutting out her daughters and a nephew she had been grooming to take over the family business founded by her grandfather.</p>
<p>My mother died 10 years ago and my father 5 years ago. I was the next of kin and co-executor (with my sister) in both instances (my parents were divorced).</p>
<p>The main thing I advise is to rely on the experts. You and I only deal with the practicalities of death a few times in our lives, and the first of those times is likely to happen when we’re middle aged. There are people – funeral directors, doctors, hospice personnel, hospital and nursing home staff members, and the police – who deal with death routinely and know how to do it. Call one of them. Follow their instructions. They will help you get the various processes and paperwork started.</p>
<p>A few details I discovered along the way:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>If your mother was living alone, within a day or two after her death, go to the post office and fill out a change of address card for her, as though she “moved” to the executor’s address. Do not tell anyone at the post office that she has died. This is not exactly the correct procedure, but the correct procedure is very cumbersome. It is important for someone to receive her mail so that her bills can be paid on time.</p></li>
<li><p>Speaking of bills, the ones that are hardest to figure out are (a) those that don’t send a monthly statement (e.g., rent, condo maintenance); and (b) those that are paid automatically out of a bank account. You may want to ask your mother about these bills if she is well enough to discuss them. You need not say that you’re thinking about what you will need to do after her death – it’s also good to have this information just in case her health problems lead to her spending a week or two in the hospital at some point.</p></li>
<li><p>If anyone has to travel by air to your mother’s community to help with the arrangements after her death or attend her funeral, that person should make travel reservations through a travel agent. The airlines have special low-cost bereavement fares that you won’t find on Travelocity.</p></li>
<li><p>Many employers are surprisingly generous with bereavement leave. For example, when my mother died, my husband was able to get bereavement leave from his job, which enabled him to take care of our children while I traveled to my mother’s community in another state for several days to make arrangements.</p></li>
<li><p>Schools and colleges are exactly the opposite. A grandparent is not a first-degree relative, and many schools and colleges will count an absence for a funeral as excused (giving the student the right to make up the work without loss of credit) only if the deceased person is a first-degree relative. So it may not be possible for students to attend a funeral.</p></li>
<li><p>The lawyer who helped your mother make out the will does not necessarily have to be the one who handles the estate. If you prefer someone else (within the same state), that’s fine. A good estate lawyer (or a paralegal working in a legal practice that specializes in estates) should be able to talk you through most of the complexities of settling your mother’s estate. A general practice lawyer may not be as well equipped to do so. (We encountered one of these situations with my mother’s estate, and the other with my father’s.)</p></li>
<li><p>You are going to need more official copies of your mother’s death certificate and of the official document that names you executor than you ever would have imagined. Pay for as many as you are advised to get – and maybe even get a few extra. These are the documents that give you the authority to close out the various financial accounts (bank accounts, credit cards, etc.) of a deceased person.</p></li>
</ol>