<p>Not sure if you’re mom is at all computer literate…and perhaps uses the computer for anything important, such as bill paying, etc. When my FIL was in the hospital earlier this year, MIL was adamant that he write down login id’s and passwords for those things so she could take care of paying bills while he was in the hospital. It proved invaluable, as he did not recover 
. She would have had NO IDEA.</p>
<p>these are all things suggested for now.</p>
<p>first off, you should make sure that you have a durable power of attorney and also the durable power of attorney for health care decisions…2 separate documents.</p>
<p>now you should get her address changed to yours so that you can be receiving all her bills as you want to make sure those are paid and that you are reviewing all insurance and medical correspondence. you can do that at the post office and also contact each of the businesses from whom she receives mail.</p>
<p>contact social security about becoming her representative payee. you need to do that paperwork now so that her medicare summaries are mailed to you and that if you have questions about her medicare claims, that you’ll be able to speak with their representative.</p>
<p>depending on the nature of her illness, you may find that she needs to be moved from her home to a nursing facility. is hospice involved? if not and she’s eligible, enroll her now. </p>
<p>this may go on longer than you anticipate so you have to have that mindset as you make plans. this could go on for years possibly. </p>
<p>can you move her closer to you?</p>
<p>When my mother was in the hospital (we thought that she had a year to live, but she died less than two weeks later) I shooed everyone out of the room. I am an only child. I had a difficult childhood because I was alone as a latchkey kid from the time I was five. I told my mother how proud I was that she was my mother. How her grandchildren adored her. And how I knew that she had done all that she could (including taking care of my father and hiding his emotional issues) and that things turned out fine. When my father lay dying I don’t know how much he understood but I told him why I loved him.</p>
<p>When my FIL was dying I told my husband to do the same. It turned out that this was his (FIL) last conversation. This was a VERY difficult conversation because my FIL while rich, famous and successful in his career was a lousy father and husband. My husband talked about how his father revolutionized his industry. That he would be remembered…and my FIL seemed content with the discussion.</p>
<p>You have received wonderful legal advice from posters here…many hugs to you…but as one who has been there (and has been very ill) no matter your take on the afterlife it is importent to know that you have left love and a loving legacy behind.</p>
<p>FMLA covers illness of a parent. If you need time off work and your employer is subject to FMLA then you are legally able to get some time off.
If you decide to go - try an airline with one way fares like Southwest. </p>
<p>another thing - if any family members are stationed overseas in the military be prepared to contact the American Red Cross. Their commanding officers will need official notification from the Red Cross.</p>
<p>My sympathies and best wishes for you. Remember to take good care of yourself as you go through this. You must be overwhelmed at times with this; just reading this thread is somewhat overwhelming to me, although good advice.</p>
<p>It must be very hard for you being in another state. My MIL passed away just a few months ago - she was from the midwest and moved to Florida to escape the ice. When her sons realized her health had deteriorated significantly they moved her back to the midwest to an assisted living environment where nurses could check on her regularly and family was close by. That gave her sons (scattered all over the country) greater peace of mind. It also allowed for a period of time to sort through belongings as they prepared to sell the condo in Florida.</p>
<p>Let those who love you help you with this and support you through this. It’s very difficult but it can also bring you closer to the important people in your life. I know that many families bicker during times of settling the estate but DH and I just kept saying that the material things just weren’t important to us; the memories are yours to keep forever.</p>
<p>One gesture that touched everyone in DH’s family was that someone took the time to divide up all of her pictures and gave a group of photos to each of her sons. DH and I have been married over 25 years and this was the first time I’ve seen many of the photos.</p>
<p>^Magnoliamom, I received an album of WW2 photos that my mom had kept. It was so nice to see the photos of my parents, and also the ones my Dad had taken in Europe.</p>
<p>“… the correct procedure is very cumbersome.”</p>
<p>You may find that many aspects of the Executorship will be treated quite, um what’s the word … inconsiderately. Lots of things I was told by banks and utility companies, etc. were flat out untrue. It’s maddening at times, but try to remain calm and say thank you even when “the correct procedure” (as it’s being explained to you) is nonsense. “Sir, if you’d just put your Mom on the line …”</p>
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<p>Yes…this really happens. After my mom died, there were a few medicare claims that were not processed correctly (my mom had TERRIFIC medigap coverage and I needed the correct forms). I mailed them the death certificates and my authorization as her executrix. Still…I got folks again and again who would say “I’m sorry…I cannot talk to you. I have to talk to the policy holder.” Even when I explained that she had died, they insisted they needed to talk to her.</p>
<p>I finally wised up and just called…saying I was her…and the claims got resolved. Honestly.</p>
<p>Thank you for posting, OP, this is so timely. My Dad has been ‘terminal’ for several years, but is really fading now and many of these posts are helpful.
I have been bugging my mother to get up to speed on all these personal details, but she has made no effort until the last month or so.</p>
<p>These posts are really helpful in making certain I am not overlooking anything.</p>
<p>Any collective wisdom on helping the kids away at university to deal with the death of grandparents with whom they are close?</p>
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<p>I don’t mean to hijack this thread but my mother just died two months ago. My daughter who was close to her had just begun her freshman year at college. Everything happened so fast, my mother went from being up and about to passing away in a matter of four days.</p>
<p>Towards the end I was still trying to figure out how to get my daughter up to say goodbye to her grandmother. My brother had a talk with me and helped me to see that my daughter probably shouldn’t see her grandmother like she was and ultimately I realized he was right. My daughter finally told some people at school and even though she didn’t know them well they rose to the occasion and were there for her. We got her to the service and that was enough to help her process her grief.</p>
<p>To the original poster, I’m sorry for your loss. My father is also gone and it is very difficult to have lost both of my parents.</p>
<p>In our family recently, with l8 grandchildren involved and close to her – many college aged – our best advice came from the oldest of all those grandchildren, herself now a mom of 4 and with 2 in college.</p>
<p>She said that involved young-adult grandchildren need to make a choice. Some might prefer to travel in to see the relative while still alive (to say last words, hope to have a last lucid time). Others might feel better closure by preserving their memory of their grandparent in much better times and not see her in her sickbed, but wait for the funeral. </p>
<p>For the actual funeral, we had success with students e-mailing every professor individually (followed up with phone calls at office hours). They were allowed to submit work by internet; all class absences excused. Therefore they could attend the funeral of a grandparent without academic penalty.</p>
<p>Regarding late-life correspondence, we always let the grandchildren email and we’d print out their emails to read aloud. It’s quicker and they don’t have to find an envelope or stamp. Phone calls became less effective as the illness took hold, but if anyone called in we’d just tell her, when awake, “X phoned to send love.”</p>
<p>“Any collective wisdom on helping the kids away at university to deal with the death of grandparents with whom they are close?”</p>
<p>Have them visit while the grandparents are still alive. If that’s not practical, mail and email and phone calls. And you may want to give them your blessing to miss the funeral. They may still want to attend … but not because they feel it’s a social obligation. JMHO.</p>
<p>I agree with NewHope. Let your children make the choice. I will say in my case I was relieved when both my children decided to miss the funeral. It was one least thing I had to deal with. The funerals ( 3 different occasions) were out of state and for one grandchild to attend would have entailed a lot of transportation details as nothing would be direct. Winter weather was also a factor. Once I knew that they weren’t coming, I could concentrate on matters at hand and not worry too much about them. And their friends at school were fantastic. My children and I have talked about this since the time, and we all have said that this was the best option. Enjoy people while they are alive!</p>
<p>“Have them visit while the grandparents are still alive.”</p>
<p>I think this is very important. This will give them a chance to say/do for their grandmother while she’s still alive. It also will help them learn how to face the inevitable deaths they’ll have to face in the future. Death is part of life, and too often, parents and others shield young people from this reality, and that leaves the young people unprepared for the deaths they’ll have to face.</p>
<p>Although this seems simple it is important. When your parent dies and someone asks you how many official death certificates you want, I suggest about 20. I know it seems crazy, and whoever is asking you will look dubious. But do it. Each insurance policy, each credit card can ask for one and never return it. </p>
<p>Also get multiple copies of the letter that is appointing you executor of the estate.</p>
<p>Make sure you call Social Security as soon as your parent dies because it is a total nightmare to inform them after they have sent a check that you are not entitled to. Get their phone number and call them the first day.</p>
<p>If you can get on your parent’s financial accounts (checking, saving) now it will be soooo much easier. However, the new “Know Your Customer” rules make this hard at a distance. But it can be done with notarized documents.</p>
<p>Anything you can move out of the estate while still remaining below the gift maximums for the year would be a good idea. Also, sell any stock/mutual funds on which you currently have a loss. The loss will be wiped out when the basis values are reset at your parent’s death. you may as well take them now. Do not sell appreciated assets as their basis value will be reset after death.</p>
<p>Take care of yourself. Although it seems everything is moving very fast, you do have some time to reflect and grieve. Be gentle with what you ask of yourself.</p>