<p>Buttafly13; That is incomprehensible to me and of course it would really hurt. Have you confronted your mother about this; what is her explanation for keeping it from you?</p>
<p>hey xania-two things:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>PLEASE enter/re-enter counseling. Your situation is frightening and seemingly potentially dangerous. Whenever one is in a relationship with another who is irrational, there is risk.</p></li>
<li><p>Was your first wedding a secret from family and friends? If not, your reveal is inevitable so the question becomes about who you think should be the one to tell.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Be strong, xania. Life shouldnt be so hard but it just is sometimes.</p>
<p>My grandfather was divorced before he married my grandmother and had my mother, aunts, and uncles, and I didn’t know this until I was about 12-13. It didn’t make any difference to me either way so I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just tell them. </p>
<p>Sent from my DROID X2 using CC</p>
<p>
I’m interested to know what it was that disturbed or shocked you (and others who have posted about finding these things out later in life). Was it that you didn’t know sooner? That no one told you and you found out from papers or from strangers? Or was it the facts themselves - i.e. were you shocked that your mother had been married and divorced?</p>
<p>dowzerw, my first marriage was no secret, but my parents are now deceased and my brother and I don’t see each other or live near each other. I have very little contact with any other members of my family and no longer live in the state I did when I was previously married. It is more likely that it would come to their attention if they looked at the family genealogy files I have been compiling (S has some interest, D doesn’t as yet).</p>
<p>After our fight last summer, H actually took the decoupaged version of our wedding invitation (with ex’s name I was still using at the time) and threw it away. It had hung in the hall for years. Sometimes I think it’s funny that he seems to think the kids will never put the pieces together on their own.</p>
<p>One night last summer H and I were having a rare “romantic” dinner out and during the course of dinner chat, I mentioned that I found it interesting that neither S nor D had ever asked many questions about our pasts. H flew into such a rage that we were attracting attention from neighboring tables. Way to ruin an evening.</p>
<p>Did he throw it away in anger? Or…Did he quietly throw it away simply because he hadn’t before realized that the kids might put “2+2” together and realize that your real maiden name wasn’t on the wedding invitation? </p>
<p>It’s interesting that he didn’t just take the invite down and hide it…he threw it away. </p>
<p>Out of curiousity, how long after you and H met did he find out you were divorced? And what was his reaction at that point when he found out?</p>
<p>I’m very curious about your maiden/first-married name. If you were using your ex’s name before your current marriage, then your parent would have had a different last name. As would your brother, correct? </p>
<p>Are you telling me your kids don’t know your true married name? And that’s never been odd? Like in discussing ethnic background etc? Did your kids ever have the chance to meet your parents? </p>
<p>Did they ever page through your HS yearbook or meet any of your "old"friends? I would think there were many instances when your actual maiden name would have been mentioned.</p>
<p>Oops I meant true MAIDEN name</p>
<p>I’m just playing devil’s advocate here, but I wonder if telling a young child that you got divorced might cause them to question whether your current marriage is possibly not forever. Of course, this reality is always possible, but I wonder at what age it is healthy for kids to be aware that it could occur in their household.</p>
<p>Thankfully, in the age of facebook, there are no secrets anymore. The kids of Gen Y will know what food we had for lunch before they were born.</p>
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<p>My half siblings have known since they were very VERY young that Mom was divorced (they had to since three of us were from her first marriage and often saw our Dad, so these younger kids often saw our Dad) and it did not cause them to have any unhealthy fears about my Mom and StepDad’s marriage.</p>
<p>
H just quietly removed the plaque and I haven’t seen it since. He would not have bothered to hide it. </p>
<p>We met in college (I was a late-goer, he was pursuing a second degree). The first night that we actually went out, I told him about the divorce. I always did on first dates, since I was not into keeping it a secret and wanted to be up front about it. He didn’t really say much at the time, but we kept it a secret from his parents for 2 years, even though he lived with them at the time.
After the divorce, I didn’t return to my maiden name for various reasons, primarily because it was an unusual spelling and caused bureaucratic nightmares. On the wedding invitations we had “Xania Smith and Zany Jones” rather than my parents names since they were deceased by that time. Of course I had to use “Smith” rather than the maiden name or both names hyphenated or something, as that would have aroused questions among those who didn’t know I had been married before. It was a bit of a sore point between H and I. </p>
<p>But no, apparently D at least does not know my true maiden name. If S does he has not mentioned the discrepancy. We have so little contact with my remaining relatives that it hasn’t really come up in that context.</p>
<p>Xania, I think it is certainly possible that they will find out eventually and be disappointed that you didn’t tell them. If they don’t or can’t talk to you about it (e.g., if you are dead or disabled) they may think it’s a bigger deal than it was. And certainly they may think it’s part of the reason you and they have had no contact with family members on your side.</p>
<p>I would tell them, because they have a right to know their own background. Have they never had to create a family tree for school? Both my older daughters had to do so in middle school (and it would have provided a good opportunity to bring it up conversationally, letting them know that if they haven’t already been told, it’s because you simply neglected to say anything).</p>
<p>My mother and her siblings ran into a similar situation - and she recalls that probably all the adults around her know (not just family members), but not them. My grandmother had been a school teacher (in the 1930’2 when teachers were single and childless). She became pregnant, and gave birth to my aunt, she did not get married (he was not my grandfather). My aunt stayed with her grandmother and aunt as an infant, and my grandmother returned to teaching. Then she became pregnant again, with my uncle. This time she quit teaching and got married. My grandfather adopted my aunt, and the records were sealed. They never celebrated their wedding anniversary, saying it wasn’t important.</p>
<p>After my grandfather died, and they were placing my grandmother in a nursing home, they discovered the marriage license, and then discovered the other details. My aunt had half siblings she had never known, and almost didn’t get to meet her birth father before he died. There was a history of cancer and other medical conditions in his family that suddenly put her medical history in perspective. </p>
<p>With no half-siblings involved, and not worrying about biological parents it’s less of an issue, but it is still part of your history. They’re bound to find out some day, so I would find an opportunity and share it with them, before they start to suspect you’re hiding it for some reason. If your H is uncomfortable, they can be told that too - you discuss it with them, so they know, but understand they shouldn’t discuss it with him.</p>
<p>Ok… I’m gonna weigh in. </p>
<p>xania, your children have a right to know the truth about their heritage, their family, and their background. Not to be morbid, but something could literally happen to you tomorrow and then who would be there to tell them the truth? Would your obituary say your first husband’s name as your maiden name? That’s just not right, IMO, because it’s not your birth name. And your children will be hurt if they find out that you hid something like that, I can almost guarantee it.</p>
<p>And you have a RIGHT to tell your children this information without fear of repercussions. I really, truly urge you to get help because you should never, ever have to tip toe around. If you do, then I’m sure your children do as well and that’s no situation any kid ever wants to be in.</p>
<p>And collegealum, I can’t speak for all children obviously but I’ve known about my parents’ previous spouses since as long as I could remember. Never once did I equate that to my parents not being “forever”.</p>
<p>The kids are 18 and 19- and the DH is their father, not the ex. It’s their mom’s history.</p>
<p>It’s also their family history. You wouldn’t want to know your mom’s real name? Your grandparents’ real names?</p>
<p>Xaniamom: my kids are 17 and 19 and I just told them a few months ago that I had been married before.</p>
<p>I always figured it really wasn’t that relevant since I didn’t have any kids from that marriage and my ex was not even in the area.</p>
<p>My H always wondered why I never told them but the kids were hardly fazed by it when I told them. They just asked if there was anything else they should know, and we moved on to another topic of conversation!</p>
<p>It seems that the only reason that the “real maiden name” hasn’t come out is because both of Xania’s parents were deceased at the time of the remarriage. </p>
<p>It’s a minor issue that the kids don’t know their mom’s real maiden name. If Xania decides to tell them, I can understand if she decides to have them keep that news just between the 3 of them (Xania and the 2 kids).</p>
<p>When I was about 10 I was playing at my friend’s house. He was rather proud in an odd way that his parents were ‘divorced’ and his dad lived in some far away country. For some reason I was dubious about his story, so he got a bunch of documents from his mother’s desk to prove it to me. One of them was “notice of deceased estate”.</p>
<p>For some weird reason his mother had preferred not to admit his father had died …</p>
<p>I love reading about these family secret stories. Anymore, when I attend a funeral, I wonder what secrets the deceased have taken with them.</p>
<p>A friend’s father admitted to a secret first marriage when his daughter was extremely upset over her own divorce. It took years to get him to talk more about it, something the daughters wanted since the divorcee daughter was so shocked at the time that she didn’t ask him any questions. Apparently he did not tell wife #3 about marriage #1 so inquiries had to be done in secret (he was widowed from wife #2, the kid’s mom, who he says did know about it). One daughter didn’t find out for quite some time - the sis’s were waiting for an appropriate, private time to tell - and she was really upset about that.</p>
<p>xaniamom, have you googled your unusual maiden name + your first name? I have an inlaw that was previously married. I googled her full maiden name and learned the name of her ex. If your info is similarly available, the kids may find out that way.</p>
<p>I had a big secret about my own family member revealed to me by a friend, only to find out that nearly everybody knew but me. This really upset me. So I fall into the ‘inform’ camp. You are in a tough spot, and I am sorry for your situation. If you keep it a secret from the kids, it bugs you, and may hurt your relationship with them someday. If you tell the kids, you either have to insist on their keeping it secret (a serious imposition, IMO) or you risk upsetting your H. Best wishes.</p>