<p>On the day of my FIL’s viewing, my MIL told my husband that he had a secret half brother whom FIL had fathered in his late teens. Apparently the guy lives in the area, but my MIL would never give any details or even his name. The only thing my husband does know is that their father never supported the first son.</p>
<p>Wow. What a shock for your H, zMom.</p>
<p>I recently read “Reunited: An Investigative Genealogist Unlocks Some of Life’s Greatest Family Mysteries” by Pamela Slaton. Lots of stories about adoptees and their efforts to find their birth parents, at which point they often find out about secret half-siblings. When the reunions w/the half sibs happen, they are usually happy events. This breaks my heart. No matter what the cost, I think I’d have to reveal info about half siblings.</p>
<p>If there has been no reason to bring it up, there may be no problem there. We always knew my father was married before he married my mother and that he had a son from that marriage since that son’s photo was included in our family collection and my dad would make references at times when it fit. But there are people who have had situations that just have no opportunity or reason to bring them up, and to young kids, there often is just no such occaision. At what age does one tell a child, that there was an earlier marriage? At age 5? At age 10? It’s more if the circumstances are ripe to bringing it up rather than a scheduled age.</p>
<p>My close friend found out that not only was her mother married before, but that she was the product of that first marriage and that her father had adopted her and was not her birth father—all this came out when she was middle aged and in a horrible way.</p>
<p>She found out when her paternal grandmother died and the old witch excluded her from her will specifically because she was “not blood”. Yeah, after all of those years when she was treated just like all of the grandchildren and loved grandma, the old woman did not want her to get anything of hers. Not that there was much there, and the other grandchildren immediaately insisted that that she get her share FIRST, but a lot of emotional damage done when that came out. And of course when the explanation came out, there were some flags that she had not noticed, like visiting her mom’s college and her mother was adamant about not visitng some thing that would have had her first married name since she had that when she attended.</p>
<p>So there does come a point when it becomes an issue that you might want to find a reason to inform once the kids are in their teens. Discuss it with your DH and get an agreement with him as what circumstances might be such to tell.</p>
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<p>I needed to obtain an official copy of my marriage certificate recently, and I noticed that when I filled it out (36 years ago), I had to put down my mother’s name at birth, as well as where she was born.</p>
<p>I don’t know whether there would be any consequences if I had her name wrong. (I did have the location of her birth wrong – wrong borough of NYC – and there has never been any fallout from that.)</p>
<p>I don’t understand all these secrets, especially when they are so inconsequential like an early divorce. My family likes to withhold information, and it’s always ticked me off so I don’t hide things from the kids (unless it’s age inappropriate). Unfortunately, dh’s family likes to hide info, too. And depending on what the “secret” is, I almost always defer to dh as it’s his family’s stuff. For years, I wanted dh to tell our kids that his dad committed suicide simply because I didn’t want them to find out another way. The kids were 4 and 1 at the time, I think, so the little one has no recollection of him. I don’t get the shame of this and why it had to be a big deal. Dh finally told them last year, which was a relief to me. Turns out his sister never told her sons either, and they’re older and lived closer to their grandfather.</p>
<p>I tend to think a lot of times these “secrets” are about power and control.</p>
<p>zooser, I wonder why your MIL thought the viewing was the correct moment to reveal this news?!?! Was she afraid the guy would show up?</p>
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Yes. According to her sister, the brother lived right in the neighborhood and knew who his father was, although there was never a father-son relationship. But my MIL was adamant about not naming the brother and she took that information to her grave. No one else has any idea.</p>
<p>My parents told me that unwed pregnancy accounted for a lot of interesting scenarios in late 40s and early 50s. One young female got pregnant and went off out of state to relatives and had the baby. She left the baby with them. Fairly quickly thereafter, the young woman met a man and they decided to get married. She told him about the child.</p>
<p>The “solution” was that almost immediately after their wedding, the baby appeared and they told everyone that she was the baby of someone in the woman’s family. All those years the girl was raised by her biological mother and “stepdad” under the pretense that they were merely helpful relatives.</p>
<p>Suicides add a interesting wrinkle. Do you tell your child of a family history of suicide, say an uncle or aunt or their kid?</p>
<p>I guess that I believe that when people aren’t told the whole story, they often fill in the gaps with more negative information, kwim? I think if my kids found out about the suicide some other way they might be reluctant to bring it up to us because we’d kept it from them, and then would be left wondering why. I could see imagining all kinds of scenarios more scandalous than the truth: He was old and sick and wanted to go out on his terms.</p>
<p>*Quote:
It’s a minor issue that the kids don’t know their mom’s real maiden name.</p>
<p>I needed to obtain an official copy of my marriage certificate recently, and I noticed that when I filled it out (36 years ago), I had to put down my mother’s name at birth, as well as where she was born.*</p>
<p>This is true.</p>
<p>I wonder if the kids have seen their birth certificates? If so, that should have the mom’s real maiden name on it, right? </p>
<p>much of this would have been avoided if Xania had gone back to using her maiden name after her divorce. then the first marriage really just would have been a hiccup in her life…similar to having lived with someone else prior to marriage. </p>
<p>I can see why Xania may have to tell her kids, but agree to keep the info just between the 3 of them.</p>
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<p>My offspring, who are in their twenties, know that one of their grandmothers committed suicide before they were born. They have known since their early teens, at least. Their grandmother had a long history of depression before her suicide, and I think that’s important information for my kids to have. It’s helpful to know what sorts of health problems run in your family.</p>
<p>The other grandmother was an alcoholic. They know that, too.</p>
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Sheesh, mom2, you are right. They have seen their birth certificates, although probably not examined them enough to realize the discrepancy. But that really settles the question, as obviously they should know the truth sooner rather than having it register at some random point and bringing it up at the dinner table ;). That would fry H’s fritters for sure.</p>
<p>Sending you the strength to deal, xania.</p>
<p>I come from a tawdry backround. Apparently ,my mom was having an affair with my stepdad when I was very little. I remember my stepdad from the earliest times, never my dad. My grandma was having an affair with a married man when my mom was little. My kids know everything. Its all a part of their past. It helps my kids to have more perspective on my whack y family. Of course, I married a straight and narrow boy scout type, and have never done any shady things like my mom and grandma.</p>
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<p>Depression and drug addiction run in my family. I’m very grateful that I knew because it allowed me to address my own depression issues much earlier on.</p>
<p>I decided to be cautious about the suicide, until the kids were old enough to process the info. Don’t forget these can be far gorier tales than some family “truths.” And generate a tough set of questions to answer. I wanted to be sure they were old enough to detach from the info and move forward.</p>
<p>I think one thing that helps is to present information matter of factly. Sitting the kids down to have a serious discussion about such a thing would seem to make it more noteworthy that it should be. I’m referring to OPs case here. IMHO, the more weighty the secret, the worse it is to keep it (secret sibling, suicide, adoption). Those are the things that are truly devastating to find out as a surprise (and never at an opportune moment). In OP’s case, the next time there is a reason to discuss the birth certificate, she could just make a factual comment about the name issue, without making a big deal of it. I think kids will take their cue from that. </p>
<p>I have two nephews who had children from previous relationships that they knew nothing about until the children were adolescents. I don’t know the full stories, but for a few years, those kids joined us during the holidays. Then that stopped and we’ve heard no more of them. So I don’t know how/why contact stopped or who initiated it, but at least they are not secret.</p>
<p>I’m an adult and found out just a few months ago that my dad had been married and divorced before he married my mom. I needed my parents’ marriage license for some legal stuff and was shocked because I had never been told. Growing up, I had asked all sorts of questions about what dad (who was older when he married mom) had done during all of his 20s and 30s and never received clear answers. I asked mom about the divorce and she tried to laugh it off, saying yes, he had been married and no, she didn’t know of any other children. I haven’t asked my dad yet because they went to such lengths that it makes me wonder if he isn’t ashamed and, really, it’s not my business (unless I have siblings). I am curious about it but, after the initial shock, I got over it. My sibling’s reaction was interesting-- just wanted to know that my mom knew and then wasn’t the slightest bit curious about it.</p>
<p>Just ran across this thread. </p>
<p>My parents were not married previously, but when I was a teen I recall my grandmother mentioning, in passing, about something that occurreed, and she anchored the time frame to when my other brother died :eek: Say what??? I had NO idea until that moment that I had another brother, younger than I, who apparently had some genetic issue and died shortly after birth. Was important when I was pregnant with my own kids and they asked about any genetic issues in the family. I don’t know exactly what he had, but they described some congenital anomaly that probably would be easily reparable nowadays.</p>
<p>Update - well today was the big day when I told D about the ex et al. H safely out of town. She was pretty nonchalant, asked a few expected questions, understood that her father was at the root of them not knowing prior to this, no need to mention to H that she knows. All grown up about it. :)</p>
<p>Hopefully it will go as well with son next month…</p>
<p>Im glad it went well. :)</p>