<p>Thanks Denzera, I appreciate the compliment.</p>
<p>The way long distance relationships work is this: the first time you’re ever in a long distance relationship, despite the fact that everyone tells you it’s a bad idea, you think that your relationship is different, you and your partner are truly in love, you’ll make it work. There is a reason why just about EVERYONE on this thread who’s been in a long distance relationship is telling you it’s a bad idea. No one is saying anything like “long distance relationships are bad because you and he will want to screw around eventually.” We’re all telling you that long distance, EVEN WITHOUT CHEATING, leads to an implosion, an erosion from within of the relationship. Cheating isn’t the only thing that causes relationships to end. Stress and constant fighting is just as likely to end an otherwise great relationship.</p>
<p>The girl I referred to in my previous posts used to tell me that she hated how we didn’t have things to talk about anymore, how we fought a lot and how she just always felt unhappy about the relationship. It went from something that was a source of constant happiness for the both of us to something that we dealt with because we felt we had to, not because we wanted to. Does this sound like a situation you want to be in?</p>
<p>It’s cyclical, really. The other person is unhappy and frustrated, and you realize eventually that there is NOTHING you can do to make it better. And I’m sure you can imagine how unhappy and frustrated that would make you. You end up feeding off of each other’s misery, destroying the relationship, the friendship, everything. The worst feeling in the world is when one day one of you asks the question, “Why don’t you love me anymore?” and the other person has no reason, but can’t deny that what you said is true.</p>
<p>I can honestly say that in the context of my happy, carefree, oftentimes flippant and jovial life, this one experience stands out in comparison as something of a tragedy.</p>
<p>I believe that a relationship can certainly work long distance, and it can survive without any significant decline in quality. I believe that a strong relationship, one in which you see your partner as a potential life partner, has a spiritual quality to it. While the physical aspects of the relationship are extremely important, I believe the spritual aspect is equally important, and provides the partners with a sense of fulfillment, that two people who are simply physically involved don’t have. </p>
<p>I don’t judge the way in which people love; if they choose to express their love with one or multiple people, I don’t care. There is no wrong or right. However, for a relationship to work long distance, it needs to be a closed relationship. Both partners need to see the other as their SO, one true love, life partner, or whatever you want to call it. If both of you believe this, and neither of you want to be with another person, then yes, your relationship will work! If you’re worried about cheating, just know that your partner has chosen a spiritual bond with you, and has decided to put away his/her animal instincts. An individual who can’t get over his/her animal instincts, doesn’t make a good partner. </p>
<p>There are several reasons why a relationship doesn’t work.<br>
One or both of the individuals are not in the mental or emotional state to love one person. Simply being apart is not going to make your partner cheat. Being apart, however, is an opportunity for your partner to prove that he/she has not yet reached the place in their life where they want to be faithful. This is why you see so many high-school couples break up during college; being apart for a significant amount of time is a weeding out process.<br>
This ties into #1, but, one or both of the partners want to experiment, party, etc, but they are too afraid to break off the relationship. They are too afraid to realize that their relationship is based in fear, and not love. A relationship based in fear cannot work. (I do not believe that an individual who wants to get drunk at a party, or says they want to experiment, can truly be in a healthy long-distance relationship. Wanting to party, or experiment, indicates he/she wants to be intimate with multiple people, even if it doesn’t lead to sex. Your partner should be the ONLY one you WANT to be intimate with.)
The partners do not disclose ahead of time what they believe proper conduct is for being in a relationship. Or, if they do, they strictly forbid their partner from doing certain things, that the partner otherwise wants to do. For a long-distnace relationship to work, both individuals need to want the same thing. If you forbid your partner from doing a specific act, it is human nature for him/her to WANT to do it. Both partners need to freely, without resentment or regret, agree to the relationship guidelines. </p>
<p>Yes, a long-distance relationship can be very hard. But, if the two of you WANT to be with one another, then there is no reason why it shouldn’t work. (As a note: I’ve gone through several periods where my partner and I have been apart, and having a web-cam does help. It’s much better than just using a cell phone to communicate. )</p>
<p>discostu, you are being WAY too serious about this topic. College is not meant to be a time for serious, adult relationships. </p>
<p>The reason I am against long distance relationships (in college) is because college is a time for self exploration. You are supposed to be meeting new people and finding out new things about yourself, and hanging on to someone from your past can really inhibit any growth. </p>
<p>People who maintain long distance relationships in college not only miss out on other potential love interests, but on many social aspects that have NOTHING to do with finding another bf/gf. When you are serious with someone at another college, you often have to spend A LOT of time emailing and on the phone to maintain any connection. This is time that should be spent having interactions with new people. </p>
<p>College is NOT about maintaining a “spiritual connection” with your high school flame. First of all, people at our age usually are not mature enough to know if they have lifelong love with someone. Second of all, if your theory is true and there really is a spiritual connection between you and your partner, then wouldn’t a break make no difference? Have fun in college and get back together later.</p>
<p>I respect what you believe college life should be. Obviously, it works for you and makes you happy. However, you should also recognize that not everyone who enters college as a freshmen is at the same point in their lives. Yes, college is a time to “find yourself” and become an adult, but some people already know what they want, and they want to lead different life than what you propose. </p>
<p>You should realize that some people simply do not want to experience college in the way you want to. In a good long-distance relationship, they will not miss out on meeting other people. If they find someone else to love, then obviously, their long-distance relationship was not meant to be.<br>
You propose that in college, everyone should follow one lifestyle, the one you lead. I say that college is about finding your own path, not just doing what everyone wants you to do. If you want to have a relationship with someone, then have it!</p>
<p>I agree that most people at this point in their lives are not ready to maintain a relationship. Most people at this age don’t even know what love is, much less maintain a relationship with their “high school flame.” However, its very closed minded to think that no one at this age has found their SO, or a partner, etc. You may not believe in loving one person, which is fine. But don’t criticize people who do. </p>
<p>College is NOT just what you say it is. It can be, but college is also what an individual chooses it to be. The true purpose of college is not to follow the path that popular society tells you to take. It’s about doing what you want, and expanding yourself intellectually and emotionally. An individual in a relationship can meet new people if they want, the relationship has nothing to do with detering that. Sure, they may not get to meet new people by groping them or getting drunk with them, but they can meet each new person in a way that is intellectually and emotionally stimulating.</p>
<p>Everyone seems to think I am into hooking up with random people and getting drunk all the time–no way! </p>
<p>I’m not promoting any certain college lifestyle. Do what you what, but it is simply my belief that long distance relationships suck so much out of both people that they can’t possibly have enough to fully participate in college life. </p>
<p>Everyone is ignoring my most valid point: in order to maintain a long distance relationship, a lot of talking on the phone and emailing is involved, and perhaps frequent visits home or to each others campuses. This is severely detrimental to one making friends, getting involved in campus activities, etc. So, discotu, if your idea of a killer time in college is sitting in front of the computer or being on the phone, then more power to you. Really, I respect your decision to live that way, but it is not for me. </p>
<p>What happens if you break up (as about 99% of high school couples do by Sophomore year)? You will have wasted a good chunk of time being concentrated on someone in another state. </p>
<p>There is a big difference between MAINTAINING relationship in college and letting it float in some nameless void. Truly maintaining a relationship in college is hard work! I think most people in favor of letting high school relationships continue are actually in favor of letting it float until you see each other next. If you are in a committed relationship, you should be talking to each other a lot. Usually these things fizzle out after you realize you haven’t spoken in a week and don’t care. </p>
<p>In my opinion, the truly mature freshman are the ones who realize how hard it is to maintain a relationship and make the decision to put it on the back burner.</p>
<p>Okay, I agree with Citygal…the OP seemed to have a very dramatic last few years, and is just coming into her own…she hasn’t really had to count on bucking herself up, it seems she needed to have another person, and at such a young age, you NEED to have the knowledge you can live without someone and that you can survive emotionally alone…sure, many people do just fine in long distance relationships, but it needs to be REALLY strong and healthy for that to happen, and the people need to be mature, and have some slef control, the BF, while its good he is worrying about not having boundaires while he is away, from what the OP said, he looked for her approval to stray if he erred…that she would forgive and tht kissing others is just fine</p>
<p>I believe more of what the OP said in the beginning and the sudden tunraround around toward the end seemed like she was trying to convnince herself</p>
<p>For a relationship to last, BOTH parties need to be mature enough, and really cognicent of how their behavior affects the other, and if he thinks he imight stray already, and he needs the physical contact with another, and its just kissing (yeah, like there is such a thing among young adult- hands roam)
he is not mature enough to handle a long distance relationship, and with all the rough spots, and seems like a big one just a short time ago, how is this a good relationship</p>
<p>Gosh, you guys. You’re making me out to seem like an insanely fragile little girl that’s always had a guy to keep her from falling – it’s REALLY not like that. It’s pretty much as far from the truth as it can get.</p>
<p>Anyway, I’ve really thought about what you all said and discussed it with my boyfriend. In the end, we both came to the realization that this was still just our relationship. The whole reason I started freaking out a little in the first place was because my girlfriends were making me feel that way with the whole idea of anyone touching ‘my property.’ But, honestly, screw it. I didn’t care about it before and other than the initial panic, not anymore. Seriously, whatever. I doubt he’ll do anything. And even if he does, let him – it’s just physical. I can always do the same too if I’m tempted.</p>
<p>I’m comfortable with the idea of long distance now. Whatever will happen will happen. Doesn’t help to dread it. </p>
<p>“its just physical”- yesh uhhuh…last comment on the topic</p>
<p>if its just phyiscal, it mean your guy cares not much about the girl, just getting some, and wow, that is thek inda guy everyone wants of a bf, and if its the other way, he does have some feelings. well is that better or worse</p>
<p>you sre trying to sound all grownupo and mature about this, but you are deluding yourself if you think you won’t care if he fools around with someone, and to get even if he does…shows the relationship has little depth</p>
<p>people make mistakes in relationships all the time, and if it is a string one, if someone does something badd, like an affair, sometimes the affair can be gotten over, people move on, so long as the guilty party is really really honestly sorry and the other person doesn;t deny their feelings about it all</p>
<p>I really hope you guys can have this relationship work, but it won’t be a good one if you can’t trust each other, and don’t have a tit-for-tat for fooling around</p>
<p>I didn’t mean it as “Okay, when he fools around, I’ll go do the same to show him!” I meant that in a couple of months I’m going to feel like him too, and, really with little privacy in dorm rooms and for phone/skype conversations, it’s not like we’re going to be able to ‘deal with it’ that way. Anyway, I’ve wanted to be with other people too even though I’m very in love with my boyfriend. It’s normal, I admit it. </p>
<p>And yes, people can have just a physical relationship – there’s a reason why one-night-stands are popular. He’s not a horrible person if he makes out with a girl at college a party – he’s just human. I think I’d do the same.</p>
<p>Just because I make out with someone that I find hot one day really doesn’t mean that I like them as people, or I might find their personality hot but that doesn’t mean I want to be serious with my relationship with them. It just means I want to get some from them, and I can understand if he wants to do the same with someone else. This is all just until we can both see each other regularly. It’s really no big deal… and if there was a problem, I’m more than sure we can handle it. We’ve handled bigger issues and I’ve got lots of faith in our relationship. =]</p>
<p>I think you should just try not to push things one way or the other. They happen as they happen, and if your significant other is really your soulmate then just keep in touch to make sure that when things never work out with anyone for either of you, you can come back to that person. Im sorry, Im not really speaking out of experience, but that’s our plan as of now.</p>
<p>“”“Just because I make out with someone that I find hot one day really doesn’t mean that I like them as people, or I might find their personality hot but that doesn’t mean I want to be serious with my relationship with them. It just means I want to get some from them, and I can understand if he wants to do the same with someone else.”“”</p>
<p>I can’t even imagine hooking up with someone I didn’t like…how low can a person go…seriouslly to make out with someone you didn’t like as a person…tacky</p>
<p>so its okay with you if he puts himself allover another girl- k…most women in a serious relationship wouldn’t even consider hooking up with another guy…the thoughts are there, sure, but most wouldn’t fallow through with the fantasy…because they have some self control and respect for the other person</p>
<p>I see no respect for your relationship in your posts</p>
<p>Wow, you really are a bit close-minded when it comes to relationships.</p>
<p>People are have different relationships. Just because mine doesn’t fit into your definition of the quintessential romantic relationship does not mean that mine is not a good and serious one built on trust. </p>
<p>Obviously I’m not going to lure some random guy into thinking they’re going to get a relationship from me. I’m not manipulative and I’m not cold. </p>
<p>I’m not a slut – which seems to be the idea you have of me. I’ve been with one guy and made out with two other people (a guy and a girl – I bet you really hate me now, huh?) That’s it. </p>
<p>You really need to get off your moral high horse and realize that not everyone that doesn’t conform to your idea of a relationship is an animal that can’t control themselves.</p>
<p>^ Agreed. Relationships are a lot more complex and multidimensional than the traditional conception of them and the romanticized storybook version of them.</p>
<p>Relationships are whatever people make them out to be. Some people are emotionally invested in one another but recognize the fact that they are still physically attracted to other people and want to have physical relationships with others. As for me, I wouldn’t want to have an open relationship. Right now I am engaged to be married but even before the engagement my fiancee and I had intended to make our relationship a long-term one. We wanted to see if marriage would be in our future so we took the relationship seriously. Having an open relationship was completely out of the question. Some people can look at sex as just a purely physical thing but it can have a very profound impact on a relationship. It can help to hold a relationship together or it can break one apart. The choice belongs to you and you simply have to accept the consequences of your choice.</p>
<p>discostu and neverborn are right. It’ll work if there is real love. If he loves you, he wouldn’t want to be with another girl. I had a friend in college who had a fiancee across the ocean. He remained faithful to her for four years, albeit they did see each other during long vacations like summer and winter.</p>