<p>Well, I can tell you that being away from my bf for just a <em>summer</em> (3 months with just 3 days of seeing each other in between) has been tough … and yes, I am in a completely committed relationship. It’s not just that you get jealous or wonder what he/she is up to, you can also start to feel really, really distant from that person, even if you talk on the phone every night. I would really, really advise that you think this through and don’t put yourself through something painful. Face it, you ARE going to feel bad if and when your bf hooks up with someone else – be it kissing, groping or sex – and even if you tough it out, once you ARE back together on a full time basis, your relationship just won’t be the same.</p>
<p>Yeah, I agree. I mean, I think I’ve made my position and my arguments very clear. What more can I say?</p>
<p>^^yea im going through a similar situation. its just for the summer as well. but it feels like an eternity. i have learned that there is absolutely NO substitute for physical presense. no matter how strong the bond between two people. when summer first started we talked on the phone like everyday for the first month. the second month she had to go to cambodia for a month so i talked to her like once that whole month. now, even though she’s back in the states, im lucky to hear from her once a week. it hurts me so much to just sit back and watch the relationship become weaker and weaker. its like watching yourself being eaten alive by ants and there’s nothing that you can do because you’re paralyzed. its that bad. see, im absolutely in love with her, i’ve thought about her every single day since we parted. and i even find my own feelings for her start to deteriorate. and trust me. im deeply in love with her, and i started to feel that way at times. and this is just over the summer!</p>
<p>i know that we need to see each other soon because this distance is slowly, very slowly, like a starving person, whithering the bond between us. watch, you’ll notice it. it may not be as direct as you think, like, when you talk on the phone everything will be okay but in the back of your head youll know its weakining. it will eat u alive.</p>
<p>my advice: </p>
<p>if i were in you’re situation i would absoutely try to keep the relationship. hell no would i want to break it off if i were in love. but DONT keep it open. if you cant do this then break up. its that simple. i dont see what the big deal is though because for me, its soo easy not to fool around. if im with a girl, im with a girl, period. i love her and ONLY her. and that commitment can keep me from going so far as to even touching another hot girl. but i guess for some people they dont even have the self-control to contain thier own lust for others. i dont understand it, but whatever. if you guys can both do it, then stay together, if u think that yourself or him cant absolutely stop yourselfs from fooling around and its just going to take over your bodies then end it. theres no point in the whole “keeping it open” thing if there’s gonna be messing around. if that stuff is gonna happen then might as well break up for a year and then get back together. best of luck to you two. hope it works out and you guys can stay together. </p>
<p>final words:</p>
<p>distance can and will hurt the bond between two people in a relationship. alot or a little, nonetheless it will deteriorate. i know this from personal experience. me and her used to be so close, and now,(even tho everything seems okay on the phone) i know deep down inside the bond is garbage compared to when we were physically close, and thats what hurts. when you think of the past and how great it used to be. im still in love with her though, the summer is not long enough to destroy that aspect, but i dont know how much more time the bond can withstand. there’s nothing you can do. emails, phone calls, text messages, etc cant comletely stop the deterioration. even if you talk everyday. you can prolong it, but not stop it. you say you’re in love with him? all i can say is get ready for a world of internal hurt and suffering that will hit you. and hang in there tight. i kno of this because its happening to me right now…</p>
<p>
I’m with Dima on this one. While there certainly are very faithful men out there (not just theoretically - I know a lot of men who are extraordinarily faithful to their girlfriends), there are also a lot of stupid and short-sighted ones. After having tried to explain to a man that I wouldn’t hook up with him because he was engaged to someone else, I learned that there’s a lot of guys who will go for the quick hook-up when their girlfriends/fiancees/wives aren’t around.</p>
<p>I’m and high school senior about to approach this same problem. I’ve been with my girlfriend since ninth grade and have loved it. She’s my best friend and everything. We’ve decided not to comprimise where we want to go to college based on the other person. If we end up going to school together then it happens, but if we don’t, we can still be best friends and pick it up on breaks and over vacations. The more I think about it it’s okay. I’m confident we’re in love, but I can only imagine the questions I may have in 10 years. Like if there was someone out there who is really better for me or her. I think that college should sort that out and we can have a relationship after our four years and be more confident in it than if we had spent four years together.</p>
<p>If you’re thinking there might be someone better for you than she is, then maybe you guys aren’t really meant to be together?</p>
<p>I do not think that there is someone better. However, the strain of a long distance relationship may not be ideal for us. There’s no real way to be sure, but I think it will help us be completely confident, and not let our minds wonder what could have been. I think not being completely sure is like cancer for a relationship and the cure is confidence. We’re very on top of our relationship. We threoretically could go to college together and get married, but we could have so much to grow on if we grow seperately from each other. We also do not want to be completely dependent on the eachother, I feel like that’s a recipie for disaster.</p>
<p>I see. That makes sense. =]</p>
<p>Enn. you can do whatever you want, but this is what I see, as a women who has been married 20 years, had varous relationships before marriage, has lots of friends with kids your age, etc</p>
<p>You are doing whatever you can to keep a guy, who on this thread comes across as a bit of a jerk…seriouslly</p>
<p>He wants what he wants, and I have to tell you honestly, kissing and holding hands is VERY personal, making out with someone if very romantic, very sexy and very close, to think it is not is being naive</p>
<p>The line drawn in the sand to keep this relationship is going to be shifting…is he going to TELL you he is making out with ithere pretty young ladies…</p>
<p>If he TRUELY loved you, he would be loyal and true…you have people in the miliatary who manage to stay true to the person they love even though stationed far apart…</p>
<p>If he can not control his animal urges enough to be celebate for YOU, the love of his life, what kind of man is he</p>
<p>If you are willing to let him do what he wants, and if you think it is just sticking tonuges in each others mouths you are sadly mistaken, becaucse if he can’t or you can’t go without physical contact even though you are "the ones’ for each other, the relationship is doomed</p>
<p>There is a classic book, out there, Women Who Love Too Much, I recommend to read it…actually every female should read it, if not for themselves but for their friends…</p>
<p>And think about this, remember the FIRST time you made out with your boyfriend, the second time, the third…how did you feel in side, in your heart</p>
<p>And do you really think meaningless random hookups are a good thing for any guy in a “commited” relationship to have, just any girls he picks up?</p>
<p>Yes I know this sounds crude, but you REALLY need to think about how you will be feeling while he is sewing his wild oats…think about people when they make out what is going on with the rest of the body, it is rarely just the lips…and visualize that, see your bf doing that with another girl- one he really likes or one he just picked up…</p>
<p>now take that feeling you feel in your stomach, and imagine that for a whole year, day in and day out, wondering, if he doesn’t call when he should, will you be wondering if he is fondling another hot girl?</p>
<p>is that how you want t feel for a year, no matter how “special” this guy is, and for him to agree that making out is a-okay with him, he is not into this relantionship no matter what he claims</p>
<p>and i have been there, done that</p>
<p>Enn…what is “normal sex” alot of people do “everything, but” (pun intended) and there is lots people do “alone” that can be done together, are you considering that sex</p>
<p>If he cant go without phyiscally being with another girl, you need to think about that, when he calls and mentions a girls name, will you wonder, is she one he is fondling? making out with</p>
<p>How do your parents and friends feel about this guy, who, yes wants it all</p>
<p>READ THE BOOK…please…it helped me, my mom, and other girls…</p>
<p>Its a good thing oyu are committed to the relationship, because he is not if he wants to make out with other girls and says you can let other boys suck face with you, no guy I know that REALLLLY likes a girl wants her beig touched by another guy in a sexual or romantic way, and to give approval for it, well, tell you alont about how much he cares, cause ask any guy, if that cares for a girl, alot, he doesn’t want her messing around…that to me is a flag, any guy that says go ahead, kiss other guys, its okay with me, doesn’t have much respect for you or the "relationshipP</p>
<p>I am just flumoxed to say the least</p>
<p>double boudlb postt</p>
<p>He’s only coming off as a jerk here because I’m not mentioning all the things we’ve been through together. Believe me, with everything he’s done for me and everything he’s put up for me and just mentioned this ‘negative’ aspect of the relationship. He’s never been a jerk to me and he’s never treated me badly. He’s cared for me and loved me more than anyone ever has and he does deserve a lot of credit for me even being here today. I do * know* he loves me. </p>
<p>I think he brought up the idea because he was scared. It was a couple of weeks ago and during a rough time in our relationship, though I won’t say what our problems were (they’ve been resolved). I’ll talk to him again about it once he settles in completely and gets used to the whole college thing. I honestly don’t think he’ll be doing anything with a girl even if I’m okay with it.</p>
<p>I used to think that making out or whatever wasn’t personal, but this past year I’ve started to change my mind (long story short, I find that I’m not comfortable being with anyone other than my boyfriend without feeling terribly guilty). If he finds himself kissing another girl, I know for a fact he’ll feel terrible afterwards. I know him. He’ll learn, yes, the HARD way. Even if it might seem like it’s going to be hard for me… it will, sure, but it’ll be a lot harder for him. I don’t want to restrict him. He knows right from wrong and he knows who really cares for him. I really don’t feel threatened at all.</p>
<p>My closest friends are his closest friends too. My family doesn’t approve of me dating period (culture, religion, etc).</p>
<p>Um, “normal sex”? Did I mention that? 0.o I don’t believe in ‘normal’ sex lol. I really don’t know what you mean. =</p>
<p>You mentioned your “talents” in the context of girl he might hook up with</p>
<p>And to be honest, your relationship, if oyu can call it that, is not healthy, no matter what stuff you went through, but whatever makes, HIM happy right, so long as HE is happy, that is all that matters, yeah, that is healthy…</p>
<p>You SAY you dont feel threatened, now, but in early posts, eh, not so confident</p>
<p>I think he is a jerk, cause any guy that says you can make out with another guy is a jerk if he is committed to you</p>
<p>You don’t think he is mature enough to be loyal, so you are giving him an out to mess around</p>
<p>As a mother, I would tell you to run from this guy as fast as you can, love doesn’t cure all, believe me, I know, I think having this time apart is the best thing that ever happened to you,</p>
<p>its a disfunctional relationship- with another rough time, how many rough times do you need to live through to see that there is a problem…seriiouslly think about that…</p>
<p>what I see is you doing anything, even sacrifising your dignity so that he is happy, being understanding so he is happy, he, him, all about him and his needs, his wants, his fears…him</p>
<p>where are you in all this? you said you would do ANYTHING to make him happy…that is not normal r healthy</p>
<p>I woudn’t want my H to stray just cause it made him happy…</p>
<p>I reread your posts, and am taking how I reply from those posts, your words, what you say about him, and willing to do whatver it takes…some relationships just not worth saving…no matter how much he loves you, think about those rough patches again during those patches, how do you feel, inside in your soul and heart and stomach, now imagine that forever…those awful feelings, that knot in your gut, is it worth it…if you think it is, he can do anything and you will let it go, I see that now</p>
<p>You are young and will survive, but once againg, get that book, “women who love too much” and read it, if it doesn’t apply to you, I will buy it from you…</p>
<p>this one line- that if he “cheats”, it will be harder for him to deal with than it will be for you…sorry, if he has some fun and than feels badly afterwards- guilty (we can hope), that, once again is all about HIM, to value yourself so little to think his feeling are more valid or more real or worth more than yours because HE might cheat tells me so much about your relationshp I just feel sad now…that you would give over your feeling horribly cause he messed around with another girl, that it would be okay that you feel like crap cause he would feel worse…</p>
<p>ENN,
Maybe you should practice what the military does… Don’t ask, Don’t tell. </p>
<p>Whatever happens will happen, you don’t have to break up if you don’t want to. There are many ways to stay in contact these days inexpensively and immediately, a big advantage over the old days.</p>
<p>In reading through these posts however, I am wondering about you. You are coming off as a doormat. Why is he the best side of the relationship? What do you bring to the table? </p>
<p>What I would consider is spending the time apart working on your SELF. It would benefit you and him in the long run. It’s great to love someone, but it unhealthy to love someone at the expense of yourself. There’s love and there’s needy. You’re pretty young and in that stupid age in life (otherwise explain the divorce rates) where love is so strong it cuts the oxygen to the brain. </p>
<p>Just spend the time apart making yourself better and see what happens when you get back together. Maybe everything will click, maybe it won’t. In some things we shouldn’t know the outcome in advance.</p>
<p>Enn, I want to take another chance to emphasize that half_baked is not only eloquent but very insightful.</p>
<p>I have had several long-term relationships throughout college, including one that lasted over two years. We broke up while still in the same location, for reasons I won’t go into, but what saved our friendship was that we both cared (and still care) a whole lot about each other, and still see each other often, talk online, etc. She was my best friend for a long time and that’s the most important thing to keep hold of. Perhaps one of these days we’ll get back together, but by keeping that connection there, we’ve kept that a possibility.</p>
<p>I’ve seen a lot of long-distance relationships, both through the trials of college and before… probably dozens. 90% fail in some regard, probably due to the reasons that half_baked explained so well. The few who do stick together, it’s for a maximum of one semester. There’s some travel to see each other, not TOO much distance, and a set time to look forward to. The “study abroad semester” thing can be done.</p>
<p>Your situation, I think, is fundamentally different. Based on what you’ve said, it seems that he’s going to college, but you’re not yet going to college. That makes the two of you worlds apart. He’ll be looking back on you as a holdover from the days when he wasn’t as worldly, mature or experienced. Perhaps that will be precious to him, but many new college students find it a burden to their freedom, just as they’re getting newfound freedom in all other parts of their life. I have advised a couple different friends to break up with their HS girlfriends (who swore they’d ‘always be together’ when they both left for college), because it simply isn’t realistic. You’re going to meet so many new and interesting people of the opposite sex, and coming from a life pre-college, it’s hard to realize how much more variety there is out there… There’s so much of a lifestyle difference that you’re facing with your situation.</p>
<p>If you truly care about this guy so much that you’re willing to wait for a long time, then do what half_baked recommended and break up with him - for a year. IF (1) you end up getting into NYU, IF (2) he’s still there and you both attend at the same time, IF (3) he’s not otherwise involved and still cares about you, IF (4) you still feel the same way, and IF (5) the situation, timing, etc works out, then you’ll still actually have a chance to re-kindle a relationship, because you’ll both still be friends. But what happens (and how you feel) in the intervening year is very important. If you still talk, but don’t feel weighed down by any responsibilities to a person who isn’t there at all - if he can go around, survey the <em>ahem</em> scenery, and then realize how much his relationship with you was truly worth… if in that year you’re not putting any stress on each other, but the conversations between you two help <em>relieve</em> each other’s stress - THEN you’ll know you have a relationship worth waiting for.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s a hard, painful choice. Relationships never work out so that you can take the easy way out… like the cliche says, nothing worth having in life comes easily, anything meaningful in life takes fighting for. But pretending that while everything else in your lives change, you can somehow still act as if your relationship is unchanged and unchanging, is the naive, immature way to approach things. </p>
<p>There are ways to make a long-distance relationship work if you approach it with careful planning and maturity, but sometimes the best thing is to just “take a year off” and see where you both are in a year’s time. If things are as heaven-sent as you say, they won’t be that different then, but you’ll have spared yourselves a ton of stress.</p>
<p>My two cents.</p>
<p>the above two posts are spot on point…</p>
<p>take care of yourself while he is away, don’t hover by phone or computer, or miss out on other stuff because he might be online</p>
<p>I think after 9 months apart, you will rediscover yourself and see that you are okay alone and in fact it can be just fine to focus on yourself</p>
<p>And something I got from the posts is that you “owe” him for helping you…you are still in HS, he is 19 I would guess, and not to diminish the passion in your relationship, I also sense he was a bit of a “fixer” and helper of you and if you wouldn’t be here right now what does that mean? DO you owe him your life, so don’t think so much about what you need?</p>
<p>Before I reply to you guys… I just wanted to note that we’re the same age. I go to a university here, starting sophomore year in a few weeks, and I’m transfering this Spring, hopefully. We’re both turning 19 in December.</p>
<p>I’m not saying that I really owe him anything, and he DOESN’T expect anything from me, but I’m simply saying that he’s stuck by me no matter what. And I’ll stick by him no matter what too, because he’s a great guy and he deserves it. </p>
<p>He makes me happy. If I’m neglecting myself, it’s just now, if I’m even doing that. I’m not depressed or clingy or expecting him to call me every hour to remind me he loves me. An email a day is fine and smses and we’d talk a few times a week. I DON’T need him to deal with everyday issues. </p>
<p>I’ve never been a ‘doormat.’ I do have a really strong personality. He certainly never made me feel like a doormat.</p>
<p>Opie, you’re asking me what I bring to the table… well, I’d like to think that I make him as happy as he makes me (at least he tells me I do). We’re both supportive and loving of each other. I know it does seem like he’s stepping all over me and I’m expecting him to fix every little problem I face, but it’s more like every huge obstacle I face, he helps me through with support.</p>
<p>About the whole not being here if it wasn’t for him thing… I was going through a very, very bad stage in my life with seemingly unbearable problems from all angles – friends, family, and from within myself. I really didn’t think I was going to make it through it all. I was extremely, extremely sick of everything and I was thinking that it all just wasn’t worth it because it’s too hard. But he and I got to know each other better, we became friends then we developed into more than that and he helped me deal with everything, showing me that it’s all just temporary and that I deserve to be happy like everyone else. I don’t think he even knows what he saved me from. </p>
<p>I know what I need. I need love, happiness, support, respect and a real friend. He’s providing me with all these things and I provide them in return.</p>
<p>We’re going to try out this long distance thing, and I’m sure we can pull it off. If we find that it’s not working, we’ll put it on hold (although I don’t know how you can put a relationship on hold) and see where we’re at when we’re both in the same place at the same time. </p>
<p>Citygirl’smom… I’ve focused on myself all my life. Really. I’ve always been an annoyingly selfish person. Motivated, yes, but selfish. I’ll give you an example of why being with him has really changed me… Being in love has sort of ‘softened’ me up. I actually care about other people now and I’ve learned that there’s a whole world of suffering out there… it’s not just me. I found a passion to help those in need that don’t have anyone else to help them. I know how it feels like not to be able to have anyone to talk to and not being able to say everything you want to to anyone and I know how it feels like to have your problems ignored. So little by little, I find myself trying to help others and talking to people that I wouldn’t have thought I would ever talk to or care about. </p>
<p>And CC just deleted a quarter of my post that should’ve gone here. wonderful.</p>
<p>What i’m trying to say is, as corny as it sounds…when I’m with him I don’t just feel like a better person – I actually am a better person. He made me realize that I’m capable of being someone that cares and it’s okay to be that person. </p>
<p>Thank you guys so much for your advice and your time, I know you just want the best for me.</p>
<p>Enn,</p>
<p>"showing me that it’s all just temporary "</p>
<p>Isn’t that the answer you’re looking for?</p>
<p>Wasn’t trying to be mean, actually trying to tell you be self confident about you and what you bring to the relationship. That should be enough.</p>
<p>That is the answer I’m looking for. =]</p>