<p>Well, I’ve been working on my Ds the past few years, trying to convince them never to get married. I’ve encouraged them to stick simply to living with someone in their long-term relationships without contracts and legal commitments. I’ll be very happy for them if they find soul-mates that they want to spend their whole lives with, I’d just prefer they remain independent enough to not need any legal ties. I have no idea, however, if they will follow my advice. They both seem to want the big wedding and the perks of marriage. Only time will tell.</p>
<p>So I guess I wouldn’t need them to be married to share a bedroom with a companion in my house.</p>
<p>Wildwood11: I have some of those feelings too, and after one divorce did not want to get married the second time at all. My H made it a condition of having a second child. So I did. In many ways, financially in particular, it was a mistake. C’est la vie. The kids say they are happy were are married.</p>
<p>I have minimized the invasion. I have my own bank accounts, credit cards, own the house (long story – came into the marriage owning a house) and have always kept my own name. </p>
<p>My kids had hyphenated names, but chose to drop one, so now they just have my name, their choice.</p>
<p>Oh, and best, am Dr. so and so so I never have to be called Mrs.</p>
<p>My H is a wedding photographer, and D has been staring at wedding gowns for years. The current favorite is a green Vera Wang, so I am sure she’s getting married. She even has someone in mind, though they don’t plan on marrying or even thinking about it for a quite a while. They lived together this year and are separating for three years while she goes to law school. Whatever.</p>
<p>mathmom: Sounds wonderful. What exactly did you design? I am all ears (haha.)</p>
<p>I’m with you, Mythmom, it is my opinion that if you must “tie the knot”, there are things that you can and should do so that each individual remains in control of their life to the extent possible. I’ve been married for 25 years (in July) and I still believe in separate accounts and assets. I also believe if H and I were really meant to be together this long, we would be without the paper.</p>
<p>It´s just a little bit frustrating when sometimes it seems like, for my Ds, marriage is all about the dress!</p>
<p>Well, that’s socially inculcated, isn’t it? For my D it definitely is. Oh well. Something to sweeten the deal for women since all studies show that marriage has more benefits for men.</p>
<p>I was married twice. Sigh. Yup. Both times my dress cost $25.00.</p>
<p>Out of curiosity, what would your reaction be if your daughter quit her career to get married and become a full-time mother, took her husband’s last name, etc.?</p>
<p>It wouldn’t be my business. I would tell her to have a back-up plan in case the marriage didn’t work out. I used to be a social worker, and most of the people on welfare in our county were middle class women whose husbands had left them without support.</p>
<p>I would be thrilled that her husband made enough money to entertain that lifestyle. Most people can’t these days.</p>
<p>I am very esthetic. I would hope he had a nice last name. We have a lovely one.</p>
<p>I would hope she really enjoyed her children. I took four years off to stay home with my kids, and they were the best years of my life. I loved them. I would have taken more, but my job was going to be terminated if I didn’t return, and a tenured college teaching job is difficult to find.</p>
<p>I consider myself a full-time mother and a full-time professor. We didn’t need nannies or day care (just nursery school and school.)</p>
<p>I don’t disapprove of those things, but I wanted to raise my own kids.</p>
<p>As it happens, if I hadn’t had a profession my H’s poor business decisions would have lost us our house, so we are all very grateful I did.</p>
<p>It was definitely a sacrifice to work while I raised kids, but I did it for my family.</p>
<p>On the other hands, I <em>do</em> think it benefited my kids to have a working mom. They were very proud of me, had a good role model, and were happy that i had something else to think about than them. (I’m over protective by nature.)</p>
<p>So, a long answer. It would totally be my d’s (or s’s) choice, but I would always want each of them to have a way of supporting themselves it need be. Things happen.</p>
<p>My answer to that is that I´d be: A. Very surprised B. A little disappointed (mostly with the part about taking her husband´s last name) and C. Aware of the fact that I must practice the acceptance and tolerance I preach. </p>
<p>So yeah, of course, I´d show my love for my daughter whatever her lifestyle choice because I’d realize that if I showed too much disapproval, she´d simply keep me at arm´s length.</p>
<p>Wildwood: I’ve had a lot of time to get used to the conservatism of this generation with my students. My D has stated categorically that she is not changing her name. She’s starting law school. Wants her boyfriend to stay home with kids. But will her give kids her boyfriend’s name (not as nice as ours by any means.) But things could change for sure.</p>
<p>When my S was four or five his nickname was Mr. Doodles. His little girlfriend was over and they were “engaged.” She got a funny look on her face when I called him Mr. Doodles. I asked, “You don’t like that name, Lauren?” “No, it’s fine, but I guess that makes me Mrs. Doodles.” Then S got a funny look on his face, and I said, “Are you embarrassed?” He said, “No, but I would like Lauren to keep her own name when we’re married.” I said, “Well, you know that’s her choice, right?”</p>
<p>haha. It was so funny. I had no idea he would even thing about anything like that. The last girlfriend he had also said she wanted to change her name if they got married, but they broke up. He didn’t tell me how he felt about either.</p>
<p>Baelor: That was a very terse response. Is that what you expected?</p>
<p>Our 18 year old son, a senior in HS goes to visit his gf in college on his long weekends from boarding school. He used to say he was staying in his (male) friends room. I didn’t believe him after the first visit. I am actually not too comfortable with letting him go. I can’t regulate sex, nor do I want to, but I really don’t think he is ready for the possible negative consequences of a sexual relationship. He’ll be in college next year and he has been away at school for the last 4 years, he is pretty sensible, but still he is only 18. My husband is fine with this but has admitted he would feel differently about a daughter. So next year when they are both in college? I don’t think I would be ready for the room sharing. I know the it’s closing the barn door after the horse is gone, but I need more time to see him as a mature independent, adult. Maybe more proof that he is one also. I think he would be embarrassed to share a room with his gf in front of us as well.</p>
<p>That’s true - Baelor’s house, his rules. But I agree with JHS that it is a fantasy if he thinks gay relatives would remain celibate. It’s much more likely that they would just avoid his house, therefore bypassing his rules.</p>
<p>Hotel? No, they may not visit at all. The problem here extends beyond the sleeping arrangements. A person doesn’t have to stand for being treated badly by their own family members. </p>
<p>“if the state denies marriage to homosexual partners they could never pass this litmus test so it is a defacto discrimination against homosexual partners.”</p>
<p>Families view marriage in various different lights. I would venture to say that many families with gay sons and daughters have a “no room sharing until married rule,” yet would not define marriage in such a way that would exclude or treat their gay S/D differently.</p>
<p>Ah. We have never had any relatives refuse to come, so clearly either they are not gay (if they think that would be a huge problem), or they are gay but are willing to come visit us anyway.</p>
lol</p>