How would you react if your own child came out to your as transgender? Or your neighbor, co-worker, boss, your employees / staff working under you, etc? How have other people you know (or heard about) reacted to individuals who are transgender?
I’m posting here because of the nature of my question relates to life experiences. I’m hoping for some honest, candid responses here as I feel the CC parent community could be a source I could trust, as opposed to asking a random sketchy stranger on reddit. I graduated out of college from a few years now, but due to cultural and socioeconomic factors, I still maintain very close ties with my parents. I’ve tried to educate my parents on these issues, however, my mother did her own research on transgender issues and seems to have come to the conclusion that being transgender = weird, crazy, mutilating genitals, still not a woman after GRS, regret, etc. I identify as female. I’ve felt very different about my own gender identity from as young as I can remember. Gender issues have been the number one fraught issue in the family. I don’t know if it’s all just me being delusional, but the distress this has distracted me has simply been too much. I feel I am a robot just living someone’s life, like an old iPhone with an end-of-life to be used and thrown away, lacking human affection. I feel I’ve lost a substantial part of youth, my life, as I see others moving ahead and newborns being the youngest kids on the block with a wide, bright future.
From your POV, as an adult who has had much more substantial life experience going through ups-and-downs, office politics (e.g. putting on a fake mask at work), etc – what words of wisdom do you have for me? Do you think I should even exist in this society, or should I seek reparative therapy?
Google Friends Journal Affirming Ivy. Some of it may help you with your mom and help her understand how her support matters.
Be your authentic self and you will be surrounded by people who love and accept you for who you are. Parents often take a while to accept this kind of news – it’s less about you and more about them and their dreams. A friend who is very accepting was crushed when her son came out to her because her vision of being a grandparent to his kids was dashed. (Even though she’d die if he fathered a child now!) And because she suspects his life will be harder because he’s gay. Yet none of it is disappointment in him or a dimishment of love.
Your mom may be ready to have a conversation in a bit. You can ask her why it upsets/worries her and tell her that her reaction makes you feel less loved. She may be able to sort out the strands of this herself.
You are brave and wonderful and deserving of love. Don’t lose sight of that.
I can’t pretend to know what you are going through but as an older personwith life experience what I can say is that what you are going through right now is not permanent…life is a long road with many twists and turns. How it is now is not how it always will be, even though I know you think that it is. Of course it’s intolerable to feel you are living a robot like existence now but that can change. Find your people. You are clearly smart and thoughtful. You can and will find friends and romantic partners who love you for who you are. Work on doing that now and don’t put too much worry in how your parents feel right now.
When you are in a good place with yourself, you can start working on a more authentic relationship with your parents. Even people who have no issue with transgender individuals and believe that this is just part of human variation would be startled at first for the child they raised to announce that they are of a different gender. Understand that this is hard on them but once you feel more secure in your self and other relationships you can demand from them the relationship you deserve or at least feel at peace with their shortcomings when it comes to that.
As a parent, I would first and foremost want you to be honest with yourself, with me, and with the world In that order.
Keep in mind that you have had your whole life to grapple with these issues, and your parents will need time to process. That will mean accepting their disbelief, worries and questions. It would be useful to me to have some direction as to what it means – are you gay? are you having surgery? are you safe? are you sure? what do you need from us? are you happy? what happens next? who can I tell? You might have websites, or a book, or a support group for them to refer to.
So expect to have many conversations. Expect to see them experience some level of grief for the life they imagined you would have – they know you will not be accepted by everyone, and that is terribly painful for parents to be powerless to affect. It will take time for them to see that you are safe, happy and content with your life. In many ways, that is just like every parenting journey, cis-gender or not.
You deserve to live a life that is authentic and joyful. Personally, I would only worry about my offspring’s safety and finding a companion. I would love them no matter what. No matter what.
I would tell them know that my love was unconditional and that I just wanted him/her to be happy.
Neighbor’s help each other have a safe and enjoyable neighborhood, regardless of one’s gender identity. For co-workers, it’s all about merit…is this person good at their job. Gender identity is a non-issue.
I still see a lot of bigoted attitudes and comments. I think some of it comes from ignorance and their perspective would change if someone they knew and cared about was transgender. Others still hold on to gender stereotypes that they’ve learned and continue those stereotypes through bigoted behavior.
Understand that you are not alone and many others feel the same challenges that you do. Be your authentic self. You have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Find a tribe…people that will be your friends, which means that they support you and care for you. As for therapy, that’s an intensely personal decision that only you can make.
With specific regard to transgender - my middle sons have a friend who transitioned from male to female towards the end of HS. One of my boys is very dyslexic. This friend came to our house and my son said: “Hey, I stink at spelling, put your new name into my phone.” After she left, my son told me that he couldn’t for the life of him remember her new name, so he came up with the spelling shtick so as not to embarrass her. Sadly, the friend, who was adopted and struggled with that as well, struggled and wound up with a substance abuse issue that required several stints in rehab.
If my child were to come out as gay or transgender, I would still love my child the same and I would do all I could to support them in their choice. For instance, if it was one of the children for whom I still provide health insurance, I would fight to get their treatment covered. If it wasn’t one of my covered kids, I would help with what I could.
If it was a co-worker, I would try to follow their lead. I know someone who transitioned while working as an attorney who went to court frequently. He began letting his hair grow and then wearing more feminine type shirts. Eventually, he told people to address him by a new, female name and began wearing skirts and dresses and high heels, as well as make-up. Ultimately, she moved to a new job where most people came to know her, rather than him. I see her once in awhile and if I hadn’t known her before the transition, I would not know she had been a man before. I don’t know if she had surgery. Before her transition, she had been married to a female. I am not 100% certain how that worked out, meaning did they stay together, but same sex marriage is now legal (and has been in my state for several years).
My personal belief is that I don’t really care what you do in your personal life. I treat people the way I want to be treated and the way I want my children to be treated - with dignity and compassion. If I don’t have empathy, because I haven’t walked in your shoes, I can have open-mindedness.
First of all, of course you can exist in this society. You are a human being of worth and dignity.
I’m not quite clear on exactly how out you are. Are you living your true gender now?
I doubt anyone here will advocate “reparative” therapy. It doesn’t work. You can’t “repair” a woman into a man.
I remember a time when virtually no one was an out transgender person. Having grown up in that time, I never had the experience of knowing a person I thought of as one gender come out as being in the other gender until I was in my 50’s. It takes some adjustment. Be kind to well-meaning people who make mistakes. People have to unlearn habits of a lifetime.
@greenbutton’s point about grief is well taken. It’s normal for your parents to experience some grief. Now they have a daughter, but they no longer have the son they thought they had. (I’m assuming “femaletrans” means a trans woman.)
My child would always be my child. Always loved and always cherished.
That being said, I know I would have lots of questions. It would take me some time to process such a sea change. I would probably need time to mourn the child I knew, and the hopes and dreams I had for that child. Marriage, children, etc, will be different. A transgender life is not easy, and I would worry about that, too. Basically, I would love and I would worry.
You may have had these feelings for years; for her, this might be the first time she’s been made aware. So she’s “behind” you in acceptance. Give her time. Lots of it.
I worked with an individual who underwent gender confirmation surgery. It was difficult, and not all co-workers were compassionate. I never did understand the people who had issues with bathroom usage, as all women’s room have stalls anyway!
Her life certainly wasn’t easy after surgery, but it had been much more difficult prior to surgery. She was so much more relaxed and at ease with herself! Several of us did give her fashion tips - the way I looked at it was she never had an adolescence as a female to learn from the terrible fashion mistakes teenage girls make! She was appreciative of help understanding what styles and cuts of clothing worked best for her. It took her family time, but eventually they accepted who she really was.
I’ve had friends and co-workers and family members with many different gender and sexuality expressions. It’s one part of who they are and all those parts contribute to making them people I want to be around.
I feel your pain. My youngest child identifies as gender fluid. Do I wish that this child was like the majority of the world? Yes. Not because I find the idea of transgender people something that should not exist but because the world is not accepting of people who are ‘different’.
Our child told us that she did not identify as female and wants to go through transition surgery. At the same time, he was going through the senior year in high school and was diagnosed with ADD and panic attacks. This resulted in him being seen by a psychiatrist so the ADD and Prozac medicine could be given to him. This was a blessing in disguise. The doctor helped him understand how to control the panic attacks but most importantly helped US to understand how to talk to this wonderful, smart, quirky, young adult.
My H had a hard time with it. In fact, he still has a hard time acknowledging that our beautiful little girl is not really a girl but a boy. I still slip up and call him by the wrong gender but I am trying. It is so very hard to change she to he when you have been doing it for more than 18 years. As far as what people need to know- the outside world doesn’t- it is none of their business. Luckily this child’s name is a generic boy/girl name so the shortened version is what is used. Surgery has not occurred yet, neither has hormone treatments. He really wants to have boobs removed but nothing else since he calls himself asexual- no interest in the opposite sex. When we were seeing the psychiatrist, every test that could be run was, so we know that there weren’t any deficiencies causing these thoughts or feelings.
One thing the doctor did mention that we did right as parents- we raised both our children to be okay with being different or weird. In school, they were always with the quirky kid’s group. This has helped a bunch because when we are in public and he has his hair dyed blue or green and the ear piercings, the strange looks from people don’t bother him (or us). Some people in our family know and are accepting. The other side of the family doesn’t know because they tend to be bigoted so we stay away from them. (Plus, H was disowned (which is a whole 'nother story) so we are not on speaking terms at this time).
Overall, I would recommend seeing someone who can help you be you (mentally). The bottom line is that your parents may never be okay with who you really are. This is not something that should be held against you, but them. It is their loss that they don’t see the beautiful person that you are. Your own support group or group of friends can help you be all you can be.
Keep in mind that the people that make up our ‘real’ family may not necessarily be the blood relatives that we were born with.
You are special, you are worthy and you deserve to have your outside match your inside. Hugs.
Seems as though you are an adult in his/her mid-twenties.
To me, you are a human being. You have a right to live your own life so long as you do not physically or intentionally harm others. Don’t harm yourself either.
Get counseling from an expert in transgender issues, live in a non-hostile, accepting community & enjoy life = is the only advice that I can offer.
I'm with bearcatfan. I would still love my daughters if they transitioned to being my sons. They would be the same people in all aspects but one. But still, even as I loved my son, there would be grief for the daughter I "lost". We all have hopes and dreams for our kids, and those dreams have to be altered. It may not be the proper thing to do, but feelings are feelings; they can often be at odds with intellectual decisions.
I remember years ago reading about a mother who mailed out "birth announcements" for her (adult) child as the child transitioned. I thought that was pretty wonderful.
I always thought I was an open minded and accepting person, but when my son came out as Gay to me, my reaction was dismal. I cried, I could imagine all the hardship that he would endure, all the discrimination hateful comments and society judgment. I grieved that his life will be harder and that he is the end of our blood line, we’ll never have Grandchildren and our family name ends with him. If I could take my tears back, I would in a heartbeat. I sincerely regret my initial reaction.
None of my tears had anything to do with loving my son any less or being disappointed in him. I’m extremely proud of the child he was, the strength it takes to live an honest/authentic life and I’m proud of the man he is today. My initial reaction had everything to do with the fear of the unknown.
You have had months to years to format your identity, this realization could come as a shock to your parents, (who are a different generation, limited exposure to gender issues and may have religious barriers) so have patience with them. You could encourage them to join PFLAG or talk to professionals. I found the documentary that Katie Couric did on National Geographic, ( gender revolution) to be quite informative.
I would encourage you to find a support system, know when and how to ask for help and please don’t read comments on face book, they can be very toxic.
I wish you well.
I know that I would love my kids no matter what but I doubt that I would ever be a champion out of the gate. It would take time unless there had been signs along the way. I am not convinced that gender fluidity is genetic past a very young age so would struggle with that I think.
I need to start with this: you deserve this life and you have a place in this world. Don’t try to change who you are unless YOU want to.
@sly123 a lot of parents of (broadly defined) queer children have the same reaction. I am queer and most of my friends are too. I would probably still cry if my future child identified as anything other than straight and cis because I know how much hatred and intolerance there still is in the world. I experienced it first hand and it honestly seems to be getting worse, not better.
OP, I’m so sorry that you’re going through a hard time with this. My advice to you is this: family isn’t bound by blood or names or legal ties. Family is what you make of it and sometimes that means leaving our blood ties behind. Life is too short to keep negative people around. I say this from experience, unfortunately.
I know that it can be hard especially if you’re financially dependent on them. Do you have a queer community in your town that you can embed yourself in? All the queer communities I’ve existed in make sure that people whose families sever ties with them are housed and fed until they get on their feet. Unfortunately, too many don’t have that network and that’s why queer homeless rates (especially among young adults) are so high.
If you can afford it, I would try therapy. Not to change you but because you’re in distress and dealing with family problems.
Best of luck OP. @DonnaL would you be able to weigh in here? (You might want to PM Donna. She’s openly trans and works as an LGBTQ lawyer advocate.)
I hope DonnaL will chime in too. Two of my best friends have children who transitioned, both from female to male. They were both very supportive publicly. The one I know better had a hard time at first, not because she disapproved, but she felt her son had not spent long enough living as a guy before going for top surgery. So often this comes as a complete surprise to the parents and it so what seems like a sudden decision to them has probably been something their kid has been thinking about for a very long time. Both my friends had been perfectly comfortable with thinking their kids were gay by the way. The one who was upset about the surgery, is completely reconciled to it all now, helped pay for the surgery and splashed photos of her son’s wedding all over facebook. But not every parent is going to feel as comfortable with these issues. I know before ten years ago I’d only heard of one trans celebrity and had (as far as I knew) never met any trans people in real life.
If it were my kid. I’d still love them, but I’m sure it would take a while to get used to it. Especially if there is a name change involved. One kid kept his name because it was a gender neutral name.
I am the proud aunt of 2 transgender nephews. i honestly have never batted an eye over other people’s lifestyles so I was sincerely unfazed - I remain unfazed to this day. I would never ask a stranger what was in their pants, nor do I care, and I certainly wouldn’t ask a relative. I only care that they feel valued and loved, and they will ALWAYS receive that from me!
That is not to say I wouldn’t need some help accepting his announcement and understanding how best to embrace it. I would look to him for guidance and google the heck out of it. This would be new territory for me. Over time I am confident that we would figure it out.
The rest of the world? I wouldn’t expect people who don’t know you to be as understanding. Friends and coworkers, sure, they will want to adapt because they know you and like you, but will likely need help. Strangers? Be prepared to grow a thick skin, at least for now. Young people seem to be more open minded and the culture in general is changing.
You are a young person with your whole life ahead of you. I suggest you get counseling (not reparative!), find other people like you, start living your life the way you want to.
One more thing. Don’t underestimate how living in an accepting area will improve your life. My friend and his now husband moved from a small southern town where they never felt comfortable to a very liberal enclave in a large midwestern city when they were 30. They knew how much life changed when several of their neighbors asked them “ So do you guys have kids?” No one in their old home assumed that was a possibility. And they went on to have two kids and are part of a vibrant and diverse community.
OP, good luck with your journey. I would and do love my kids, unconditionally. I am always troubled when they encounter more obstacles and sadly, transgender and non-heterosexual folks DO encounter more obstacles, so would be sad for this IF they were transgender. As it is, they have chronic illness and they DO have extra obstacles due to that which they have weathered for nearly two decades and counting.