“How would you react if your own child came out to you as transgender?”
Honestly, I don’t think I’d react very positively. But it wouldn’t have anything to do with not loving my kid.
It would be a personal reaction to my own dashed fantasies of a perfect life for my kid. It’s obviously not an easy path
I’d be doing some real 20-20 hindsight looking to see what I missed.
. I’d probably be researching, trying to figure out how to give the best support, looking for direction, hoping my kid really knew the consequences of their decision and crying all at the same time. And considering who of my friends would be accepting enough for me to talk out my own feelings without judgement.
" Or your neighbor, co-worker, boss, your employees / staff working under you, etc? How have other people you know (or heard about) reacted to individuals who are transgender?"
We have very good friends whose kid recently came out as transgender. I think we were the first people they told and they were afraid of our reaction. We love them and their kid so wasn’t hard for us. But it’s easy to accept it for somebody else on the outside–those aren’t your dreams. But it’s hard for everybody involved.
Even for us it was a name change, upset friends, how to support the parents, etc.
Mom supported kid through surgery, tries to be positive but worries the transition happened too fast. She ranges from full support to total rant–she’s working it out for herself and it’s tough.
She wishes kid had better therapy prior surgery but it’s very difficult to find qualified people.
So it’s a continuing saga. And with all the turmoil the mental health of the transgender kid is a continuing concern.
It can become walking on eggshells for everyone even in a supportive environment.
“What words of wisdom do you have for me?”
I will echo what others have already said. When it comes to those who love you–they still love you despite an initial negative reaction.
Your gender does not define who you are inside.
It can take some time for those closest to you to wrap their heads around a different vision. It takes time to re-adjust and re-consider viewpoints long held. Their reaction is more about them and much less about you. But support may take a time to kick in while they readjust their views.
You deserve to be who you are, not who people (including your parents) think you should be. I only know one transgender person, and she is a former Olympian. I have no idea how much she has transitioned but I also don’t care- I’m just glad that she’s happy.
I have a gay son. I love him as much as I did the moment before I found out he is gay. I’d feel the same way if he had come out as transgender too. I’m sorry not all parents feel that way but do remember that’s on the parents not on the child.
My S came out as gay to us a year and a half ago. My H and I reacted really well and told him how much we loved him. We told him we were accepting of it and that nothing has changed. Since that initial conversation we haven’t mentioned one word about it. Neither my H nor I have told very many people at all. It’s almost like we’re living in denial. My S has not had a relationship since he mentioned it to us (as far as I know). He will be moving in a couple of weeks to NY to pursue a career in comedy writing. I don’t know if we should talk about it again or just let it go until he brings it up. I adore my son as much now as I always have, but I must admit that I’m not thrilled with this.
@ams5798 He may be perceiving your lack of discussing it to mean that you don’t approve. And maybe you don’t…it can take some time. I recommend you do show interest in his dating life. Ask if he’s seeing someone. I assume you want your son to meet a person who respects and loves him. We all just want our children to be happy and find a wonderful mate to spend their life with.
Sometimes I can’t even figure out what might bothers me about it. I always thought I was the most open minded person I knew, but this has thrown me a bit. He has been my shining star and he still is. Maybe I am afraid of what others will think. It’s hard to wrap my head around it.
JMO, but I think it’s perfectly normal to have conflicted feelings (about many things in life!). If you are not seeing a therapist, I highly recommend it!
@ams5796 - Yeah I understand. You might find it helpful to attend a Pride celebration with your son. It’s highlights a community of complete acceptance and support…where “Love is love is love!” You want your son to be happy and in love. If others in your life think that’s wrong, well then you can decide if they are worthy of remaining in your life because you’ll love your son forever. Wish you the best!
No, he’s a very quiet kid. We truly have a great relationship. We talk about lots of things. He’s very driven and we talk about his career plans almost every day. We never have talked a lot about his love life even before he came out. It didn’t seem like it needed to come up naturally. I ask him a lot if he’s happy and he always says yes. He has a lot of friends. I just always assumed it would come up when he met someone.
We also always ask our kids if they’re happy and if they’re seeing anyone special. We expect we would ask them the same questions if they came out to us as non-hetereosexual. So far, they’ve also always said they’re happy and S has recently introduced us to a friend he’s been dating and the 4 of us went out to dinner.
My S has been living home with us since he graduated from college in May. We know he’s not seeing anyone. Right after he came out I told him that if he ever wanted to talk about it we were always there for him. He agreed and thanked me, but never brought it up again.
I would be very disappointed at not being able to have biological grandkids, but that’s purely selfish.
Generally, I’ve read that feeling a different gender can result from a specific hormonal environment in the womb, so it is in some cases at least purely biological. I’m a straight woman but I think I would also be perfectly fine being a man, so deep down I don’t really understand people who are willing to go through all the surgeries to switch genders, but I’m prepared to believe that they might really need this. However, if my son started talking about this, I’d be a bit worried that his issues are really about being gay, or depressed, or just feeling different in a vague way, and I would urge him to seek therapists who are knowledgeable about transgender issues just to be sure this is the right solution and not just because it’s all over the news.
In the workplace case that I know, there seemed to be no significant issue with anyone there – but this is in an industry that is known to be more LGBT-friendly than most others and also located in a relatively LGBT-friendly region.
@femaletrans have you read Becoming Nicole by Amy Ellis Nutt? It’s about a family and their acceptance of their kid (originally Wyatt) transitioning to Nicole. As well as the book there are magazine articles, interviews videos etc online.
My son is 17 and he is out at school and to us, but not to many people in the extended family. My husband is in complete denial and continues to use the wrong pronouns. I mess up on pronouns constantly and it makes me feel guilty. I never want to do anything that makes him feel less than fully loved.
I have a few regrets. My son will probably never give me grandchildren. My son will never grow that wonderful hair long and full. But no parent should ask a child to carry the weight of every dream, it leaves no room for the child’s own dreams. I never imagined that my husband and I would produce a kid with the talents and abilities he has.
I occasionally wish that he had not been faced with this gender-based turmoil. I wish that medicine and society were both advanced enough that someone who felt born in the wrong body could quickly and easily change to suit their psyche. But it’s not.
I love my kid. The gender thing is part of who he is, so I love that too. It has taken me some time to get to the center of how I feel. But that’s the center of it. Everything else is meaningless.
@ninakatarina I feel the love in your post and that’s what will get all of you through this change. I couldn’t tell if your son is gay or trans. Either way it’s all good. it’s who they are.
My S may not be able to produce biological grandchildren for us, but I have two other kids who will do that hopefully. I’ve been sick for years and didn’t think I’d make it this far. I didn’t think I’d see any grandchildren. Maybe a stage 4 cancer diagnosis puts it all into some kind of perspective.
My son was born my daughter. He hasn’t started medical transition yet. Hoping to start the hormone therapy soon, I hear that settles a lot of anxiety issues.