<p>Indiana, absolutely right.</p>
<p>We seem to have a number of posters who want to refer to the motorcycle dream as a toy, or a crotchrocket, or being a spendthrift. That kind of attitude does not make for a discussion, or compromise or understanding.</p>
<p>And there are those posters who want to paint the OP as a deeply depressed, unhappy woman with deep seated emotional problems. Horrible attitude towards the OP. No compromise or understanding, Correct.</p>
<p>Correct, there are posters who describe the OP as jym says, and there are posters who describe OP’s DH as edad points out.</p>
<p>And FWIW, a crotchrocket is a term for a sleek, fast aerodynamic bike. It isn’t a derogatory term, as is implied above.</p>
<p>** and for that matter, a toy is also not derogatory. Just because one poster happened to say so does not make it so.</p>
<p>Late to the thread, but I say “buy yourself something of equal emotional value” ASAP!</p>
<p>I used to be the type to save and save and H was always buying these things for himself: 72 foot boat, trips to Alaska, really extravagant stuff. So, I just started to do this…“Honey, I’m heading out to Patagonia,” he said.</p>
<p>“Great. There’s this bike trip I’ve been dying to take through Tuscany, and I’ll take that at the same time.”</p>
<p>“Honey, I’m going to buy…X,Y,Z.”</p>
<p>“Great! I’ve been dying to get this one ring at Henry Winston!”</p>
<p>“WHAT’s Going on here???” he said.</p>
<p>“I’m just lightening up, like you suggested. I’m just enjoying myself, like you said we needed to.”</p>
<p>Suddenly, “Honey, the guys and I rented a cabin in ______. It’s really inexpensive.” :eek:</p>
<p>LOL. Seriously, though. I’m sure there is something you have wanted your whole life; go for it. Now is the time.</p>
<p>(items and destinations have been changed to reflect exaggerated expense, and humor.)</p>
<p>OP, I feel your pain. I do not know what to suggest but here is my situation. DH works full time and I’m a SAHM to 3 kids, one is about to get into college. still have mortgage and other pressing money issues. DH’s brother had died 14 years ago leaving the wife and a young daughter behind. DH wanted to pay for her college and other expenses and I agreed. The girl graduated and is ready for a job, she is very marketable given her credentials. Now DH wants to give her a lumpsum amount of money sh she can get ‘settled’ in life, for instance get married, buy a house etc. He started working an extra job last year, still working and is putting the wages form the second job in separate bank account and I do not even know how much is in there. This is exclusively for his brother’s daughter. He is away from home all week nights working and sometimes one or both weekends and he expects me to be ok with it since he reasons that he is spending the regular job salary on us. This is creating a lot of resentment since I juggle with everything else under the sun and plus the kids rarely see their dad. We never spend time together as we should. No wedding anniversaries or birthdays, just a mechanical life. As I type, he is at his second job right now, the kids are in bed. Kids got used to this setting, but I feel really bad for them and for some reason, my anger turns towards DH’s family. Posting under another name just like OP so as not to put out a lot of information out there. I do not know how to help OP but hang in there, every family has a story of its own.</p>
<p>Poetgrl: thanks so much for the laugh… Now… DH is signed up for Texas Hell Week; I signed up for a week of dog training camp. Does that count?</p>
<p>I’ve been trying to imagine how H would react if I were to say I wanted something that cost $25K and was primarily for myself. It’s hard to even come up with an item, but I used to play the piano, and ours is a 37 year-old spinet, so I think a 6-foot Boston grand piano would do the trick. And, of course, 7 or 8 hours a week for practice! Having been married for nearly 20 years, it’s pretty easy to imagine H reaction: “That’s not really a priority right now. You don’t even play. Maybe you can start a savings account and buy a used one in 10 years or so.” End of discussion. </p>
<p>What if HE were to ask for a $25K hobby/toy? I can’t imagine him wanting anything that we wouldn’t BOTH enjoy. If it were a motorcycle, a simple “what are you, high?” would put an end to that discussion.</p>
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</p>
<p>Heck yeah!</p>
<p>I would love to go to a week of dog training camp. I love all that agility stuff, really. AND my dog would love me more than H, which would be the actual benefit. ;)</p>
<p>phone30,
Sorry for your challenges. Your example is a great one. The choice your DH has made to help his niece seems extremely philanthropic on the surface, but the impact it has on the rest of the family is huge, and it sounds like this was not a decision made jointly, with open communication/discussion.</p>
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</p>
<p>But what if you said that you had 8 weeks vacation time accured this year, and you found a temporary job that would pay $25,000 in 8 weeks (nice temp job, by the way), and you’d use the money you got from working through your vacation to buy it? </p>
<p>I couldn’t tell my wife no on that one…because it’s her vacation time!</p>
<p>LOL xaniamom! Maybe wanting part ownership in an airplane and flying lessons would be comparable to the OP’s H’s desire for a motorcycle. But wait-- then you really would be high…</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’ve run into a lot of lazy men and women in life and seen parents complain about a lot of lazy kids. I have to say in comparison, having a husband that is willing to work a second job to make up for his brother’s death is nothing short of commendable. He feels bad that his brother left a young women without a father and wants to do what he can to make up for it.</p>
<p>With that said, a young women with a college degree doesn’t need ongoing support from Uncle…and he does have obligations to his family. But his charitable acts are very commendable and something you can be very proud of.</p>
<p>With that said, one thing you should insist on is that he significantly up the amount in federal tax withholding on his paycheck from his second job. In other words, he should only put 100% of after tax dollars (based on your overall tax rate) into the separate bank account. Not a 100% of his paycheck from the second job.</p>
<p>Decided to take a look-see back at the beginning of the thread to see where the civil discourse took a sharp left turn. Seems like everyone was being pretty respectful and open-minded (the OP even handled being accused of being dismissive quite well) until about post #66:
That seemed like a bit of a show-stopper for the polite discourse.</p>
<p>My opinion of the guy who could write such a thing also took a sharp turn.</p>
<p>
Man, you know, when you put it that way, it’s almost like “found money”. I could have a case there after all…maybe…</p>
<p>poetgrl–just to make you jealous: it’s four days of dog training camp with agility events on both weekends… my idea of heaven.</p>
<p>“He started working an extra job last year, still working …”</p>
<p>What a brother!</p>
<p>Back to the pension options- my Dad had the foresight to have his pension reduced so that the amount is the same for the life of either of them. Smart guy since most men die before their wives.</p>
<p>When people are retiring, in my experience, the only time a life only on the pensioner only should be the choice is if there is a large life insurance policy on him/her, too!</p>
<p>Been reading through all of these posts…I am reading every single one, it has really been helpful to see the situation from different angles, and hear that there are a few others who have share similar situations.</p>
<p>Someone suggested personal counseling…I have been doing that for 4 years. It started off being for grief, then would move on and off of other topics. The counselor suggested he come in…he won’t. The personal counselor, having known me for so long, is probably biased. She thought the motorcycle idea was not altogether right, and said other families she was working with this month were having the exact same motorcycle issue. She said I should hold my ground if I felt I should, but be prepared to have to take a very strong stance.</p>
<p>My therapist called what I am experiencing ‘financial infidelity’ once. DH has gone off and done things (big ticket) that we didn’t discuss. I have some other rather large examples that I would rather not get into, but one of them has to do with completely gutting a primary residence and leaving us living with relatives for year – unplanned. The plan was to fix it up a little, paint it, move in and do it a room at time. I came over one day and the kitchen and bathrooms, all plumbing, most drywall, were in a dumpster in the front yard. </p>
<p>Yes, you are only getting my side of this. Mr. HCP sees things differently, of course. That house needed to be gutted, and we will be glad we did it that way. </p>
<p>Soozievt…you used the term ‘my way or the highway’ – that’s what his mother calls him. He has a close friend who calls him ‘one way’. I am the compromiser – and it rarely goes my way. </p>
<p>And yes, to whoever said he will just keep wanting things. He’s hinting at a truck also every now and then.
In my life’s experiences, I have seen quite a few women deal with this, but they have either not cared, because they completely entrusted their financial well being to their spouse, of felt powerless or been powerless to do anything about it. </p>
<p>As for marrying the wrong guy…we were so young when we met, and fairly young when we married…these traits were not evident at all. There was no money to spend then. He has many redeeming qualities otherwise.</p>
<p>Yes, intparent, I do everything you are stating, and he never wants to know any details, and diminishes how much work it is – because I can do it from an arm chair, and multi task while I am in the arm chair. When the financial planner comes over, he says “Where is Mr. HCP?” and I say, “He was invited, but he doesn’t want to be here.”</p>
<p>To anyone who thinks we have enough funds to do this…I respectfully disagree, and I think that might be one reason the net worth is where it is. And, as I have stated, I am all about compromising on this.</p>
<p>Phone30, at least your DH’s motives are altruistic…and I think you are voicing some of my frustrations in that it does get a bit lonely with the 2nd job thing. Your husband is a good man for doing that. </p>
<p>Poetgrl…now that’s what this thread needs! I like the concept, but I decided a long time ago that tit for tat behavior would not be fruitful.</p>
<p>My work situation may be improving. I have asked for a specific change and it looks like it is coming through. It should result in lower stress.</p>