Fine. Support the idea of a truck instead of a bike. If he is doing that much construction type work, a truck is practical. And far less dangerous than a bike.</p>
<p>Sounds like he has no reason to change his behaviors, as there are no consequences. You see it, his parents see it his friends see it, but nothing changes. Why should he change his spending patterns or self-centered behaviors when its been tacitly supported? You are angry and frustrated, but the same pattern continues. Are you prepared to draw a line in the sand? Do you feel strongly enough about the bike that if he buys it you will pursue a formal separation? Will you consider a separation if he won’t participate in couples therapy or meeting with the financial planner? He doesn’t want to and to date he doesn’t have to. No consequences. How are you able to convey the importance of this, if it is truly that important? Does he understand that this is different, or is it? If he comes home with a Harley tomorrow, will you leave or just sigh, vent and be angry, but eventually get past it and do your best to let it go? If the latter, then he has no reason to change, and its is just a matter of time before you see the bike in the driveway.</p>
<p>Listening to these additional examples of his “financial infidelity” and unilateral decision-making, I would totally agree with the posters who are advising you to put ALL your inheritance money in a SEPARATE account that he cannot touch. Hopefully in your meetings with your financial planner you are also putting as much as possible into deferred compensation (annuities, 401k, Roths, etc) so there is less “play money” that seems to burn holes in his pocket, and more for future planning and security. Is he willing to set these up with his income as well, or does he not have these savings plans set up at his place of employment? Is he willing to save a part of his income, or just your income?</p>
<p>As other posters have said above, one of the biggest causes of divorce is fighting over money. One of the others is fighting over family/relatives. You are fortunate that you don’t have family fights, that he has a good relationship with your parents and that he is supportive of your plans to care for your sister. But the financial differences and decision-making re: spending seems to be a huge chasm. If this thread was largely to vent, it could have been posted in the “say it here” thread. If you are really ready to draw a line in the sand, then have some consequences ready, and be prepared to act on them. Your therapist is right-- there is a third member in your marriage… and she is expensive. She is also causing you a lot of pain.</p>
<p>This example, along with his perhaps wanting to make impulsive purchases (not sure that they are impulsive), leads me to wonder whether your husband has attention deficit disorder. The example above demonstrates impulsive behavior and no/little planning, IMO.</p>
<p>*Once you spend inheritance on family lifestyle, it’s commingled and therefore part of the community. *</p>
<p>Right…and once you mix “family money” with inheritance savings/investments, then it becomes community…</p>
<p>So, if deposit inheritance into a joint account, it becomes joint.</p>
<p>And, if you buy a rental with inheritance, but use community money for improvements, etc, then it becomes community…unless there is something done legally to keep that inheritance amount separate.</p>
<p>*If her H is anything like my ex-H (and it seems like there are definitely some similarities!), he doesn’t want to know the details, manage any accounts, etc. He just wants what he wants, and doesn’t want to own any of the work involved with managing or tracking the money. So OP will end up tracking two accounts instead of the one she does today. *</p>
<p>That’s why I’d be more concerned about giving him his own checkbook…he might bounce checks that the OP would then have to cover. Maybe a debit card instead that won’t work if he’s spent all his money. </p>
<p>Or, giving him cash each month for him to manage…seeing his money being spent might make a difference.</p>
<p>Rereading the OP, it sounds like the house and some cash is being inherited. Perhaps a better, cleaner thing to do is keep the house in the OPs name only, and use the cash from the inheritance to pay an OUTSIDE independent contractor to do the repairs. Even though the OP feels it is easier to let her H do it, it isnt easier, b/c its causing all this strife re: the payment for the work and its use to buy a bike. Even if it costs 10K more to pay an outside contractor, that is less than the cost of the bike, and less of a cost on the marriage. And the inheritance (cash and house) stays in her name only. Problem solved. Well… for the moment. But if she feels more financially secure with the inheritance and ultimate sale of the house (which could also be sold “as is” and not bother to do remodelling) then maybe the OP will feel less worried about whatever the next overpriced purchase the H makes.</p>
<p>** Editing to add, maybe its time for you, OP, to make a unilateral, independent decision without your DH’s input. Selling the house “as is” or hiring an outside contractor and leaving our DH out of it would serve that purpose, and leave you in the drivers seat. Talk to you sister, who is the other party in the inheritance, and see if she will support this idea. If so, then leave your DH out of the loop. Even if he is the greatest contractor int he world, you are only trading one set of headaches for another. If you’ve had as much work done on your properties as you had described, surely you know several good contractors or subs you can work with.</p>
<p>I don’t want to post about my personal life on CC, but I want to offer you support in saying that I can relate to many things in your situation, though in my case, it goes much further than that and also we don’t have the money. </p>
<p>You wrote:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My husband also has done this a great deal. Major financial things where I had no input and no knowledge of these things that did affect me and where we did not have the funds.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’ll just say I can relate to the idea of unilateral decision making and that would not be my approach. I am into mutuality and compromise, give/take, consensus, etc. It is difficult when one person approaches these matters in a unilateral way and it is their way no matter what, and perhaps without the other one’s knowledge of it either until after the fact. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Again, will just show support in saying I can relate. We got married when I was 20 and my husband was 22 and none of these things were evident then as we never dealt with any of these types of matters as we were college students at the time. We’ve been married 33 years. </p>
<p>I’m glad you have been responsible and have the net worth and financial security that you do. I only wish I could say the same (on the net worth, not my being the responsible one).</p>
<p>I just wanted to let you know that there are some of us who really get what you are saying regarding your situation and it goes beyond this motorcycle purchase. </p>
<p>jym626, your post #421 is excellent (though as a psychologist, I know you know your stuff). I agree on inheritance, by the way, being in a separate account but let me say that that alone doesn’t solve some of this if the other spouse finds ways to still control and use that money in a unilateral fashion. I don’t want to get more explicit here, but in any case, I do think you offer solid advice and the issue is that this is really ingrained in the OP’s spouse’s behavior, which is hard to change and hard for the OP to deal with as her husband feels entitled to handle matters in this fashion and has been able to do so for a long while. It is a difficult situation for the OP, in my view.</p>
<p>*DH’s brother had died 14 years ago leaving the wife and a young daughter behind. DH wanted to pay for her college and other expenses and I agreed. The girl graduated and is ready for a job, she is very marketable given her credentials. Now DH wants to give her a lumpsum amount of money sh she can get ‘settled’ in life, for instance get married, buy a house etc. He started working an extra job last year, still working and is putting the wages form the second job in separate bank account and I do not even know how much is in there. This is exclusively for his brother’s daughter. He is away from home all week nights working and sometimes one or both weekends and he expects me to be ok with it since he reasons that he is spending the regular job salary on us. This is creating a lot of resentment since I juggle with everything else under the sun and plus the kids rarely see their dad. We never spend time together as we should. No wedding anniversaries or birthdays, just a mechanical life. As I type, he is at his second job right now, the kids are in bed. Kids got used to this setting, but I feel really bad for them and for some reason, *</p>
<p>This is ridiculous. IF the situation were reversed, and you were spending most evenings and weekends helping a widowed sister/child, your H would certainly have a fit after a year or two…and this has gone on for 14 years??? NO man would put up with this if reversed.</p>
<p>Thanks, soozie. Sorry to hear you have also struggles with the effects of unbalanced balance sheets (as it were- just a play on words).</p>
<p>The more I think about this, the more it becomes clear that the OP likes concensus oriented decision-making, and the DH doesn’t ascribe to that way of thinking. So, time for her to try out his way of thinking, and make a unilateral decision that leaves him out of the loop. It might be stressful in the short run, but in the long run I think she will be happier.</p>
<p>That said, we went through a remodel with the contractor for h*ll last year, so I can totally understand the potential advantages of a known entity vs an unknown-- but its is stressful either way, and pushing DH out of this decision will pay off in the long run in terms of her peace of mind and the possible re-establishing of decision-making guidelines in their marriage. Wonder if he will like or dislike getting a dose of his own medicine?</p>
<p>*My therapist called what I am experiencing ‘financial infidelity’ once. DH has gone off and done things (big ticket) that we didn’t discuss. *</p>
<p>this is interesting…when my sister was granted a Catholic annulment, it was based on this one issue…her H would buy big ticket items (cars, etc) without her knowledge and had also done so one month before they were married (buying a Harley incidentally - which spent their savings which was supposed to go towards a home purchase.)</p>
<p>The Church’s position was that such a personality doesn’t think as “a couple” and doesn’t have the Church’s definition of marriage in one’s head…therefore the marriage wasn’t a valid sacramental marriage.</p>
<p>Well, it’s easy to “believe” that you wouldn’t mind this sort of thing going on for 14+ years .</p>
<p>But really think about how you’d mind wife not being home most nights/weekends, so…</p>
<p>1) you’d be nearly solely responsible for meal prep/cleanup, household chores, child care, homework supervision, taxi driver to all school and EC activities, night after night, weekend and weekend.</p>
<p>2) your wife would come home late each night often too tired for any sex or to give you any/much attention at all. Believe me…any woman who would be working a full time job every day and then going to a “second job” at night, would have zero energy for any husband.</p>
<p>Sorry…but I know men pretty well…and that wouldn’t wash for most men after a few months…much less 14 years…LOL Or, maybe you’d enjoy being celibate and chore-boy at home.</p>
<p>mom2- none of us should make assumptions of why or how people are will to live based on how they would be willing to live. I also will not go into detail but I not only believe it I have and continue to live it. I also know many men who would and have done the same.</p>
<p>Interesting about the annulment, m2cc. That makes a lot of sense.</p>
<p>Apologies for the typo above-- we had the contractor <em>from</em> h*ll. But, I am not married to the guy and he is gone, finally. The remodel looks good, but it was not an easy process.</p>
<p>If the OP is inheriting the house and cash, absolutely they should both stay in her name, given that her feelings are where they are. Then she can choose to either pay her husband or someone else to do the work. If her husband gets paid, it’s all community. Then they can debate over what to do with their JOINT $25,000, whether the wife agrees to let him use the COMMUNITY money on a motorcycle, or not.</p>
<p>This sounds harsh. And I know it isn’t how we want to think about our relationships. But power is the unspoken background to many marriages. It often feels like the man, who earns more, has the power. Or the man, who doesn’t do the home care, has the power due to his scope in the outside world. Even if the wife has inheritance, it feels like it belongs to the community. The legal system sees it differently. And whether you want to start adjudicating your marriage or not, knowing that if push came to shove the law decides what is community and what is separate could throw the power balance in the air and redistribute the felt leverage. </p>
<p>Nothing builds resentment much more than a feeling of powerlessness.</p>
<p>…Phone30, at least your DH’s motives are altruistic…and I think you are voicing some of my frustrations in that it does get a bit lonely with the 2nd job thing. Your husband is a good man for doing that. …</p>
<p>I don’t agree. This is not being alttrustic. It’s something else. The girl has graduated from college with his help and is marketable. Time to quit helping and celebrate the end by rediscovering the family.</p>
<p>Re: the helping brother’s niece:
Do we know if she had other funds available to her/her mom? Large life insurance policy? Social security survivors benefits? Was/is the mom working? Has mom remarried? Did she have other relatives willing/able to help her out? And why does the niece need a “lump sum” for future expenditures (wedding, house, etc)? Aren’t your 3 kids entitled to that too? Is there that much discretionary cash saved up to be able to provide for this for all the kids? </p>
<p>I agree that helping the widow/niece was a very noble thing to do, but there is a point when its ok, if not time to say “enough”, especially if this is impacting the surviving brother’s own immediate family, as it sounds like it is. What would happen if, heaven forbid, something happened to phone30’s DH? Phone 30 is a SAHM. Who will step up to help her and her 3 kids?</p>
<p>Jym…as a second opinion, I’d also suggest looking into an intense issue of “survivor’s guilt” through counseling.</p>
<p>this really sounds like survivor’s guilt to me. fwiw.</p>
<p>dmd: Jealous!!! what kind of pup do you have? I have this one year old golden with the energy of a retriever and the smarts to do the agility stuff…Now, to get myself moving. :)</p>
<p>Yes, absolutely. But, if untreated, with the extra added avoidance of the coping mechanishm he has chosen, he may not have actually grieved properly…still bargaining, trying to “controll” the uncontrollable, blah, blah blah.</p>