<p>Yes, there might be something triggering phone30’s H’s need to be needed, or to try to fill a void for himself through the niece. We also don’t know the DH’s relationship with his late bro, the circumstances of his death, if the H made a promise to his bro, etc. That said, when the decisions he (phone30’s H) is making have a direct impact on, and are at the expense of his own family, it should be revisited. Codependence comes in all forms. JMO.</p>
<p>Whatever it is, imagine the alienation Phone30 must feel. Doesn’t sound fair.</p>
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<p>Agree completely! Regardless of what it is, or why it is, it needs to be adressed.</p>
<p>As I always tell my daughters’, just because you understand why someone is doing something doesn’t mean it is okay that they are doing it.</p>
<p>Well said, poetgrl and igloo.</p>
<p>Quick sidebar, and example of selfish BIL. My single SIL is moving. My DH went out to help her pack and move things a week or 2 ago. She wants us to have a few items that belonged to my late in-laws that match some things they gave us previously. Update- Moocher BIL decides he wants the dining room set. SIL says fine, but he will need to make arrangements to ship it. She kindly made some preliminary calls to movers/shippers for him. He decided to take 3 days off work this past week (and is there through tomorrow, something she did NOT want because he is a PIA and he did not ask her before he made arrangements to be out there for 5 days) and will claim religious discrimination if his boss says anything about the time he took. He arrived Weds night, took her car most of the day Thurs AND Fri without her permission to run personal errands, shopping etc (and ignored her calls, stranding her without a car) and then decided to take not only the dining room set but both curio cabinets and all the contents (including the stuff she wanted me to choose from). She had to pull that back from his pile of “I am taking this”.</p>
<p>What a selfish ***. Oh and he will surely sue whichever moving co has the misfortune of moving the stuff, b/c he will surely decide that something has been damaged or broken.</p>
<p>SIL said if she had a gun she’d have killed him. I said if she had a gun he’d have packed it. </p>
<p>Oh, and he didn’t help her pack/move anything for her move (and she has health problems which is part of the reason for the move). He just decided to be an uninvited difficult house guest for 5 days. Of course, she allowed it, so its partly her fault (she just called us to vent!)</p>
<p>I’m wondering, why are the folks who have similar stories still in these marriages.? To me the violation of trust would drive me out if this occurred more than once. These spouses are jeopardizing your futures.</p>
<p>About inherited money. As long as you keep it in a separate account, you can spend it on family things or whatever you like and it remains yours.</p>
<p>I think threatened with divorce and given knowledge of what the financials in a divorce look like, many would change their behavior. My ex had no clue how much he’d be giving me because I worked part time for many years in a lower paying job while he pursued a big career. I think if he realized what support would be and how it would change his lifestyle, he would have been more willing to compromise on the issues I had which were constant moves and his never being home in pursuit of much more money than we needed.</p>
<p>For those who suggest that the OP is financially secure and that the 25K is not all that big a deal to them- she has given some information, but not nearly enough for anyone to know for a fact that they are well on their way to a comfortable retirement. You don’t know their ages, income, expenses, cost of living in their geographic area, how many years until retirement, the income that will be necessary for them to maintain their current lifestyle in retirement, the security of their investments. OP has mentioned a disabled sister. It’s not being too paranoid not to count on the parents money being there. </p>
<p>Most of all, the OP has also specifically said that there is a real chance that her and/or her H’s jobs are at risk within the next several years. That and the 300K of private educational expenses coming up in the next eight years are reason in and of itself to think the idea of the H spending 25K on a Harley (I am very negative on motorcycles, but that is aside from the point) at this point in time is far from the most responsible thing in the world. Further, it doesn’t sound like the OP often treats herself often to anything fun or extravagant. She drives an old car and is low maintenance by choice. Still, it may say something to HCP that her H’s first impulse, when he has any discretionary funds at all, is that it’s always all about himself. </p>
<p>HCP - has anyone mentioned the fact that your H wouldn’t have this renovation job and the 10K he will net from it if it wasn’t for you inheriting the property and your parents offering him the job in the first place?! It seems pretty selfish and disrespectful of your H to subsequently demand you should have no say in how 25K, a large part of which is from this project, is allocated. His renovation work is “his” money? He gets plenty of vacation time. So do teachers, many of whom take summer jobs. Don’t know of many who consider that money to be theirs exclusively because it is over and above the income they bring in from their primary job. It almost sounds to me that your H is the one keeping score, because his income would now exceed yours. </p>
<p>Speaking of which - gutting your house and expecting you to live with relatives for a year without your prior knowledge? That shows a stunning lack of impulse control and/or empathy and consideration of others. This is not normal behavior. Even those that were originally the most negative to your POV would have to agree, there. A guess is that you have made allowances for your H due to the significant loss that you allude to that happened within the last five years . But at this point it comes down to where you are willing to draw the line and whether or not you are ready or able stand up for yourself. You said in an early post that there is not overt tension over this issue yet. One thing that strikes me is that there is certainly a disconnect between that statement and how you really seem to be feeling. </p>
<p>One suggestion I have, if you haven’t already, is to suggest seeing a different counselor than the one you have been seeing. Your H may justifiably feel that her primary relationship is with you, and that the deck may, therefore, be stacked against him. Perhaps it would come across like a compromise if it’s not something that’s been considered before.</p>
<p>HCP, thank you for shedding better light on your situation. I totally get it now.</p>
<p>OP, I’m sorry I missed this earlier in the day,
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<p>Partially I was really just messin’ around, for fun. ;)</p>
<p>Partially, I was trying to humorously point out that we sometimes take on certain roles, which become really frozen in a marriage, and when we change what we are doing, step outside our comfort level and spend some money if we have been the saver in the relationship, it forces the other partner to take up some of the slack.</p>
<p>There was a time in our relationship where I did all the worrying and H just told me I worried too much. I realized I was carrying all the worry so that he could push it away. When I made a concious decision to simply refuse to worry, his anxiety rose to the surface and we were able to become better “partners.”</p>
<p>If you always worry about the money, he does not have to. If he always gets to spend the money on frivoloty and fun, you do not “get” to. In my opinion, it’s better to have a balance. YMMV.</p>
<p>wow… 30 pages of responses, OP, you struck a raw nerve.
just wanted to shed some light regarding the queries by some posters. DH’s brother was struck by a drunk driver, it was totally unexpected. DH grieved for atleast two long years and then slowly came back into circulation. He has a strong, opinionated family, MIL and SIL control every situation. MIL announced to DH that the young girl was ‘our responsibility’, SIL makes sure that DH is on track supporting the kid. They do not have a good relationship with me or my kids, if I can even call that a relationship. I had thought that since we had paid for her school, we are done and now we can concentrate on S1 about to enter into college. But no, I was wrong. Apparently we need to make sure that niece will be settled comfortably. As it is, we provide living expenses for MIL and FIL since they maintain that their health is poor and so is their economy. For me it feels DH is a social worker working with all these families albeit his own, but to me it feels strange. I am a bitter person, and a very frustrated person after 14 long years. I had contemplated on walking away a few times, but did not see anywhere to go. I am confused when relatives tell me he is a good man, after all he is taking of care of me and the kids, right? But aren’t we entitled to more than just getting fed and and having a place to sleep? DH countered this once several years ago by saying what if the situation was reversed… what if it had been me… fending for myself and the kids – and thus shut me up. But this latest idea of working an extra job and saving solely for niece makes me feel as if there is this wound that did not heal and it keeps hurting. Or, as confused as I am, I feel blessed to have him, he is otherwise a loving husband and father, just that he is not there that much. If there is a sacrifice to be made, then it is not going to be our marriage because I do not want three kids to go through it. I live one day at a time. Sorry OP, for posting this long - didn’t mean to take over your thread, just wanted to provide a perspective of another woman’s agony.</p>
<p>Why does your DH put up with these unreasonable demands, phone30?</p>
<p>^^^ DH puts up with these … why? he loves his mother very much, and feels she took a great blow when the tragedy hit. His mom can tell him anything and he will follow to the letter (or more). he did love his brother of course. But there is this intense pressure on him by his family, ‘to do right’ by the niece. And I do understand, that is why I was ok with the school expenses and other expenses added on top of the living expenses for inlaws. But I am not a saint either. I am torn between saying enough is enough and walking away and just take it and live as best as I can.</p>
<p>phone 30, I don’t see how walking away solves your problem financially at all. It could help emotionally if you wanted out of your marriage. I think that you are in such a rough spot. Frankly, I don’t think that your husband is being fair to you, your children, or possibly to himself (not sure about the latter).</p>
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<p>The way I see it, your husband puts his mother, neice, “family” above you and your kids. I wonder who he considers his “family” since it appears he put you and your kid’s interests below his other "family’s ". </p>
<p>How is the college fund for your kids ? Does he discuss these financial decisions with you ?</p>
<p>phone30- my sister’s DHs family has a culture of the boys taking care of the girls. The brothers are supposed to do every and anything for their adult sisters, the Dad expects it of them and demands it. Anything from minor repairs to the best crops from the garden. </p>
<p>Is your DHs family an immigrant family whose culture expects that family level of support? I am surprised the SIL would not choose to form a relationship with you and your kids since family is supposed to be so important to them</p>
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<p>Not a fair statement to the man. How about himself? The 2nd job is hard on his health. Obviously, his wife and kids are more close to his heart because he thinks (I guess) they can suffer with him for his late brother’s family, only for a year or two longer.</p>
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<p>Oh, please. Why a year or two longer? The girl’s a college graduate! When does she start supporting herself? At this point, the only thing he should be giving his niece is enough money for a security deposit and first month’s rent on an apartment. But he takes his marching orders from his mother, so he’ll probably end up paying for the niece’s wedding, honeymoon, down payment on a house, and heaven knows what else…are his own kids even going to be able to afford college?</p>
<p>After he gives her the down payment, will he have to work to save for her wedding?</p>
<p>Tom…</p>
<p>none of us should make assumptions of why or how people are will to live based on how they would be willing to live. I also will not go into detail but I not only believe it I have and continue to live it. I also know many men who would and have done the same.</p>
<p>Are you saying that for the past 14 years, your wife has been UNAVAILABLE to you, your **young **children, and your household, so you have to “do it all,” … and you’re fine with that? Well, then you’re one in a million because as I said, I think I know men pretty well, and most husbands/fathers of YOUNG children would not tolerate that for years on end. (unless they don’t really like their wives and prefer for them to be elsewhere…LOL)</p>
<p>*Phone30, at least your DH’s motives are altruistic…and I think you are voicing some of my frustrations in that it does get a bit lonely with the 2nd job thing. Your husband is a good man for doing that. …</p>
<p>I don’t agree. This is not being alttrustic. It’s something else. The girl has graduated from college with his help and is marketable. Time to quit helping and celebrate the end by rediscovering the family. *</p>
<p>I agree…and I’m a little shocked that the SIL allowed this kind of burden on her BIL’s family…rather selfish of HER, as well. I would never allow some other relative to give that much time and effort to my family which would be at the obvious expense (and detriment) to the person’s own family. It’s naive to think that the man’s family is not being hurt in many ways…from extra burdens to the wife to the children having an absentee dad (the dad is as unavailable as a non-custodial parent). </p>
<p>Husbands/fathers are supposed to be more than just a paycheck.</p>
<p>MIL announced to DH that the young girl was ‘our responsibility’, SIL makes sure that DH is on track supporting the kid. They do not have a good relationship with me or my kids, if I can even call that a relationship. I had thought that since we had paid for her school, we are done and now we can concentrate on S1 about to enter into college. But no, I was wrong. Apparently we need to make sure that niece will be settled comfortably.</p>
<p>This is crazy. Your H needed to be convinced early on that his mother is way-off-base to make that declaration. Actually, the responsibility to take care of this child rested with the drunk driver and his insurance company.</p>