<p>m2c, phone30 needs to get a job, its just not about the money, its about learning some independence, getting out of the house, and maybe this will raise her self esteem so that she can at least look at life from a diffrent vantage point. She needs to look around and see what else is going on out there.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>That’s a good point. </p>
<p>I’m just concerned that as a mom of a few kids who is “doing it all,” she might become completely overwhelmed by adding a job to her already full responsibilities. </p>
<p>New employees often don’t have the leeway to be able to flex their time to reflect kids’ needs/illnesses, etc. And, I doubt she could depend on the H at that point.</p>
<p>Sooz, post 427 said</p>
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<p>Glad to hear you say this, as this is a current concern of mine regarding a sibling, a spendy ‘spouse’, and some new cash we can all share soon. But how do you make cash safe when someone opens debt accounts w/o the other’s knowledge? It’s a serious question. Do you buy an annuity? Put it in trust? The issue is to keep the spender from buying something on credit thus forcing the money holder to cover the loan.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m pessimetic about change, but if a guy loves a niece more than his own kids, I don’t think that a wife can change that by forcing or manipulating him to be home more. </p>
<p>This has been going on 14 years. I really doubt that anything she can say will cause him to “see the light”.</p>
<p>And I think it’s naieve to think there isn’t more to the story. Most men don’t enjoy working two jobs if family life at home is enjoyable…but if he gets stuck doing things he doesn’t enjoy at home, then it’s not surprising that he doesn’t want to spend time at home.</p>
<p>The second job didn’t come into play until 12 years after the death…so the death didn’t precipiate the second job. In that respect, we ask “why did he all of a sudden get a 2nd job”.</p>
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<p>Divorce is a very good solution to that problem.</p>
<p>If my spouse had such a spending problem that she opened accounts without my permission, I’d promptly file for divorce the next day. Cheating on your spouse by opening accounts without joint agreement is no less evil than cheating on your spouse by spending the night with another women.</p>
<p>Trust me…there are things my spouse can test me on. She knows never open debt accounts without my approval because she knows exactly what I’ll be doing the very next day.</p>
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<p>Treetopleaf, re: 543, I totally hear you and can relate to this issue. I’d be interested in replies to that situation, though don’t wish to discuss specifics of my personal life here (though admire those that do and I learn a great deal from the ensuing conversations and advice and perspectives). </p>
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<p>babyontheway…I don’t know how many years you have been married (if you have a baby on the way, I imagine not that long) and so it is not so easy to use divorce as the “solution” to problems that arise in a relationship when the relationship has been for a huge number of years and there is a family. I’d opt for other solutions first, if possible.</p>
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<p>We each have hotbutton issues. You have some of yours as well. Things that would result in divorce if your spouse did. These things are personal choices that we have in our life and represent what we call character.</p>
<p>Tiger Wood’s wife filed for divorce when it came out that her husband was cheating on her. Few people said she should stand by her man.</p>
<p>In my family, taking out loans as a method of manipulating your spouse to share her inheritence that she wanted to keep separate would result in divorce. It shows that your partner has no respect for your choices. It shows that your partner disprects your family and your wishes regarding your family. And it shows a clear inability to manage finances. </p>
<p>A spouse that opens new credit cards to get access to family inheritence that the other spouse intended to keep separate is an issue that would result in divorce in my family. Fortuantely, we’ve been married long enough to know that this won’t be an issue. :-)</p>
<p>I don’t think he loves the niece more, just that he capitulates to family pressure. This is common and often in part ego driven, a real man can take care of it all. He’ll do what makes him look good to others while keeping under wraps what’s happening at home.</p>
<p>As for the over spending spouses, simply keep the money in your name.</p>
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<p>And if you do what you just described… will you spouse pack up and leave? Just curious.</p>
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<p>Redroses, the situation is the spouse purposefully opens a credit card in his name and spends more than they can pay off…the debt is jointly owned because it’s a community property state, and the other spouse has no choice but to either file bankruptcy or use inheritence to pay off the credit card.</p>
<p>Clearly this is a very, very bad situation.</p>
<p>Right, in certain situations, simply keeping inheritance in your own name doesn’t solve the problem.</p>
<p>Then I agree, divorce is the answer. Letting anyone sabotage your financial future is not worth it, especially with grown kids.</p>
<p>Guess I was assuming spending spouse would at least stop if they didn’t think the.cash was there.</p>
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<p>Makes sense…
But what some are saying is that the spouse may think that the other spouse’s inheritance is available cash.</p>
<p>My friend recently inherited money and gave her spouse no details. She’s actually the spendthrift, it’s just a bad marriage and she has no plans to share the money. It all passes over him and goes to their kids when she dies. Her patents actually set it up this way.</p>
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<p>That spouse thinks wrong.</p>
<p>I’d like to think of the money in my bank’s vault as available cash for me to spend. It’s not. Nor is any inheritance my spouse receives.</p>
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<p>Of course what they think is wrong and the money is not truly available for the spouse to spend who did not inherit it, or at least without mutual consent to do so. But as treetoleaf mentioned, there are situations where the spouse who did not inherit the money does something like racks up a debt on a credit card without the other spouse’s knowledge or takes out a loan he/she can’t pay back or continues a failing business deal because they know if they can’t earn money, there is always the other spouse’s inheritance that can cover it, etc. etc. Treetopleaf was asking how to protect that inheritance even if in one spouse’s own name if the other spouse takes advantage of knowing the inheritance is there to bail out their spending or decisions that may make the spouse with the inheritance be forced to pay because now the money is needed or owed (to pay the bills). Speaking in generalities to respond to post 554 and 555.</p>
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<p>In a community property state, you have very little protection. Debt that one spouse accumulates during the marriage is jointly owned by both the husband and wife. So if he takes out a credit card and maxes it out knowing that his wife will pay it off with her inheritence, there isn’t a lot she can do. They both are responsible to pay off the debt. Her best ability is to refuse to bail out the debt with her inheritence but then they will be filing bankruptcy together.</p>
<p>I believe that her inheritence will be protected in bankruptcy (although I’m not sure about that) because it’s separate property. But if a person wants to legally protect it, they need to talk with an attorney knowledgable with the laws of the particular state they reside in.</p>
<p>Because state laws vary widely from state to state, a internet message board is a terrible place for legal advice.</p>
<p>but if a guy loves a niece more than his own kids, I don’t think that a wife can change that by forcing or manipulating him to be home more.</p>
<p>I don’t think he loves the niece more. I think he just doesn’t want to upset his parents, sister, niece.</p>
<p>*This has been going on 14 years. I really doubt that anything she can say will cause him to “see the light”.</p>
<p>And I think it’s naieve to think there isn’t more to the story. Most men don’t enjoy working two jobs if family life at home is enjoyable….but if he gets stuck doing things he doesn’t enjoy at home, then it’s not surprising that he doesn’t want to spend time at home.*</p>
<p>My FIL was never expected to lift a finger at home, yet he still preferred to work all kinds of hours because he didn’t like the normal “kid noise” “kid issues” that go on in a household. Being at work was an escape from normal parenting and normal kid noise/responsibilities. </p>
<p>You can’t assume that the wife creates an unreasonable atmosphere or has unreasonable demands when he’s at home. He may just like doing what he likes to do and doesn’t want to hear or be bothered with normal family drama. </p>
<p>*The second job didn’t come into play until 12 years after the death…so the death didn’t precipiate the second job. In that respect, we ask “why did he all of a sudden get a 2nd job”. *</p>
<p>The second job occurring at this time does puzzle me unless it had gotten to the point that the H knew that the contributions to his sister and niece were becoming too large to come out of his primary income.</p>
<p>However, I still have some weird feelings about this second job BECAUSE he won’t share how much he’s earning. Makes me think there really isn’t a job (or maybe he doesn’t really work as many hours as he says) because he’s really spending time with another woman. If he had to report his earnings to her wife, she’d learn the truth that he’s not working as much as he claims.</p>
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<p>But that was who he always was, right? Did your MIL force him to be home even though he didn’t enjoy it? Probably not…manipulating him by threatening divorce if he doesn’t spend more time at home really isn’t a good solution to the problem.</p>
<p>I really think there is a reason why he wants to work the second job besides pressure from family. The wife would do well to understand that reason in order to encourage her husband to spend time at home.</p>
<p>You notice I said encourage. Not force. I don’t thinking forcing your spouse to do something they don’t want to do is good for a happy marriage.</p>
<p>*But as treetoleaf mentioned, there are situations where the spouse who did not inherit the money does something like racks up a debt on a credit card without the other spouse’s knowledge or takes out a loan he/she can’t pay back or continues a failing business deal because they know if they can’t earn money, there is always the other spouse’s inheritance that can cover it, etc. etc. Treetopleaf was asking how to protect that inheritance even if in one spouse’s own name if the other spouse takes advantage of knowing the inheritance is there to bail out their spending or decisions that may make the spouse with the inheritance be forced to pay because now the money is needed or owed (to pay the bills). *</p>
<p>Short of divorce, there really isn’t a way. </p>
<p>If one spouse has an inheritance that is kept separate, and the other spouse resents it so he/she racks up debt, causing the other spouse to cover the debt</p>
<p>The spending spouse may also do this…rack up debt and then pay the debt with family funds creating a shortfall in the family budget. At that point the mortgage is due, and the other spouse must pay the mortgage with inheritance. </p>
<p>As horrible as this all is…(and it is horrible)…sometimes these situations are caused by the lack of sharing of any inherited money. If one spouse has an inheritance that allows that spouse many luxuries while the other spouse must pinch pennies, then deep resentment is going to happen. </p>
<p>I do think inheritances should be kept separate, but the inheriting spouse needs to be benevolent with the money…spending some on the other spouse…and investing the rest to insure their futures as long as they stay married. By keeping the money separate, then in a divorce, the invested money stays with the one spouse. But, if they stay together, they both ultimately enjoy the fruits.</p>
<p>However, I don’t think that’s what’s going on here.</p>