<p>*The income from a second job can be used to pay for laundry service, a maid, and occasional professional child care. *</p>
<p>LOL…no…usually it’s to have a SAHM wife. But, you’re from a different generation, so this probably seems foreign to you.</p>
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<p>It’s important to pick the right spouse.</p>
<p>I know many outgoing, in charge women that married laid back easy going men because they didn’t want someone to be assertive or challenge their authority. I can’t really blame them - they’re great at work but I couldn’t live with them at home.</p>
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<p>Uh, if your wife stays at home while you work two jobs, she should do the laundry, clean the house, and do the chores. Or if she wants to work, then you should have the funds for hiring professionals to do at least some of the work. If both parents are gainfully employed and at least one can work overtime, it’s probably more cost effective to work overtime and hire out professional help.</p>
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<p>I’m not sure what you mean by that…almost every married woman I know works full time…I’m 30 by the way.</p>
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<p>So, are you saying that you chose a wife who is not assertive/challenging so that you can do what you want to do? You just wrote that you did not want a woman who takes change and is assertive for a wife. And why is that?</p>
<p>As an aside, you say you are a 30 year old man and I assume have a baby on the way per your member name (congrats). What drew you to a discussion forum on college admissions?
[EDIT]…I do see and now recall that your initial posts on CC were about having your first baby due and wondering how much money you need to save for college. But I guess after that inquiry, you got hooked on CC. :D</p>
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<p>You seem like a rational man.</p>
<p>So, the question, right now, is a situation where a man is working two jobs but is NOT providing for his family (no college funds for his kids, etc…) because he is spending one of his paychecks on his niece.</p>
<p>I think this woman is being used badly, because they had an agreement that he would work outside the home and she inside, and he would be her spouse. Right now he is the spouse to his mother and she is the nanny and maid. He broke the agreement, in my opinion.</p>
<p>ETA: She now has to decide if she wants to accept the situation, or do something differently herself, because it is not within her power to change somebody else…nobody can do that.</p>
<p>lots of opinions and speculations… well, a little update: found a part time actually three days per week job starting in two weeks, the pay is not that great but its a start and I am already feeling upbeat.
some one posted whether DH is really working second job or with another woman: he is working, brings home some work left over too.</p>
<h2>conversation with DH this morning before he left:</h2>
<p>me: i need money from that account (his second job account) because I need to pay big bill x.
DH: huh? (immediately invisible wall of hostile emotion is between us)
me: repeat the question
DH: told you, you have to manage with the paycheck
me: yeah, but with all the expenses, I cannot pay big bill x right now, need the money.
DH: nope, manage it yourself, somehow
me: how?
DH: why don’t we talk later… tonight?
me: ok, but how much is in there?
DH: dont know
me: approximately, like you know how much is going in there every pay period?
DH: yeah… (mentions big amount) and says maybe</p>
<h2>me: (to myself) - that money can take care of a big chunk of mortgage</h2>
<p>tonight came, DH came home tired, ate dinner went to bed while i was helping one of the kids with homework. I decide I WILL call counseling services tomorrow, I AM GOING COUNSELING BY MYSELF.</p>
<p>Good for you.</p>
<p>Sometimes men do not understand that women who do not fight them all the time will actually figure out what they want very fast when they are “done.”</p>
<p>good. good. good.</p>
<p>It won’t be easy, but it will be better with time, for you, whatever the outcome.</p>
<p>^^Good for you phone30 ! Let us know now and then how you are coming along. I am rooting for you.</p>
<p>I’m glad to hear you are doing things for yourself, phone. </p>
<p>Like a couple of other posters, I also thought your H’s behavior was really strange – that your niece might be his biological child, or that he is having an affair, or he is a bigamist. Forgive me, my imagination ran away with me. My point, though, is that your H’s behavior is wrong and abnormal. End of story. He is secretive, neglects his own children, family life, and you, for what? To take care of his parents and his niece financially? I think that entire family is selfish and are behaving very, very badly. </p>
<p>I think the best thing you can do is to empower yourself in any way you can. It sounds like you are taking steps towards that by getting a job (so quick!) and going to counseling. Then, you will start to see things more clearly which is an absolute necessity. When you are clear about your position, what is right for you family, AND you have a sense of autonomy arising out of your own capabilities, you will know what to do.</p>
<p>There are a lot of strong, supportive people here at CC. We can be your home team whenever you need us!</p>
<p>me: i need money from that account (his second job account) because I need to pay big bill x.
DH: huh? (immediately invisible wall of hostile emotion is between us)
me: repeat the question
DH: told you, you have to manage with the paycheck
me: yeah, but with all the expenses, I cannot pay big bill x right now, need the money.
DH: nope, manage it yourself, somehow
me: how?</p>
<p>Well, now I understand more the reason for the second job. H realized that his take home from first job is barely covering family expenses, so he knew he had to take on this second job so he could continue the sister/niece money roll.</p>
<p>And…the reason for secrecy about the money was so that you wouldn’t overspend (in his mind) and demand some of that money.</p>
<p>*Like a couple of other posters, I also thought your H’s behavior was really strange – that your niece might be his biological child, or that he is having an affair, or he is a bigamist. Forgive me, my imagination ran away with me. My point, though, is that your H’s behavior is wrong and abnormal. End of story. He is secretive, neglects his own children, family life, and you, for what? *</p>
<p>The reason that I speculated that there might be another woman is because he wouldn’t let you see how much money was in the account. That kind of odd behavior is often a red-flag for having an affair.</p>
<p>If your H is taking home an amount every pay period from his second job that would cover a chunk of the mortgage, then he must have a lot saved. Does he get paid every 2 weeks?</p>
<p>found a part time actually three days per week job starting in two weeks, the pay is not that great but its a start and I am already feeling upbeat.</p>
<p>Glad to hear that you got a part-time job. Good luck with that. What will you be doing with that money? </p>
<p>*I decide I WILL call counseling services tomorrow, I AM GOING COUNSELING BY MYSELF. *</p>
<p>Hoping the best for you.</p>
<p>OP back from the salt mines…</p>
<p>Phone30, you had asked last night how I am dealing with this…counseling has helped a great deal. I go every 3 weeks come hell or high water.</p>
<p>I am assertive with DH, but have learned that some communication styles don’t work, and actually work against what needs to be accomplished. Hence my waiting for the right moment to bring this topic back up again. And I do not let it fester or affect my mood or daily operation.</p>
<p>Now that I have read more about your situation, I am concerned about your DH’s absenteeism…my DH is somewhat absent, but really upfront about everything he is doing. And every time I go to visit, he’s there working hard.</p>
<p>There is a small parallel between our situations - our DH’s have both experienced profound and tragic grief. As a matter of fact, today is the anniversary of ours. This did trigger a change…in our situation, though, I think it was a little more, live for the moment because tomorrow may not be there. There is also some support for nephews going on, but nowhere near what you are describing, and spread around many siblings - and it’s also caregiving, and more things like chip in for special gifts or camps. There is a college fund, but no obligations.</p>
<p>I feel for you. I hope you find a good person to confide in like I did.</p>
<p>I’m rooting for both hotchilipepper and phone30! Glad you are seeing counselors for support and think you can vent here or get support here too. </p>
<p>I know some thought phone30’s husband could be having an affair but I didn’t think so. I think the hiding of his other job funds and bank account is a form of control. He maintains control of the money and of the decisions and she is out of the loop. I really hope you can find a way to demand to see bank statements because you should know what money your husband is taking in at the very least, not to mention having a say in how the money is used. However, this isn’t always easy to accomplish with someone who is into control and unilateral decision making.</p>
<p>Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the support, you dont know how much it means to me. I read each and every post several times. Thanks, hotchilipepper, hope counseling will give you the right tools to solve your situation. I am hoping for the same - i dont think mine will change overnight, but I am starting the change myself, a little change at a time. I want to show my kids I will stand up for myself (eventhough kind of late…), so they understand they do not need to put up with what I think is a sort of oppression ( strong word, but that is what it is). Want to show them their mom is strong after all (these years!)</p>
<p>Soooo happy for you, phone30.</p>
<p>phone30 - good for you. Come back here whenever you need some support. It takes a strong woman to do something about it after 14 years.</p>
<p>phone30, just keep in the back of your mind. If you have a part-time job, and you divorce, as I understand it you are then entitled to less spousal support than if you did not work. I am not suggesting you divorce, nor refrain from working. But these things you might not be thinking about.</p>
<p>I can’t escape the feeling that H is hiding something from phone30, something more than just the amount of money he has banked. Maybe that’s all it is, and he thinks/knows she will freak if she knows how much and how far it would go in their OWN finances. Or maybe there is something more sinister. If not another woman, maybe gambling, or drugs, or something. The breakfast conversation was disturbing. I’d be on a hunt for paperwork - pay stubs, bank statements, what have you. </p>
<p>For the time being, I don’t think I would confront him about it again until I could find out more information through other channels.</p>
<p>Phone, I would not sign a joint tax return with the H unless I saw bank account statements and a W-2. You’re equally liable for what’s on that return. The “innocent spouse” rule is rather strict. My former SIL paid tens of thousands to the IRS for my brother’s failure to file his business’s returns (and consequent failure to file personal taxes).</p>
<p>I would also take your earnings and keep them in your own account. Whether you use it for college funds for the kids, therapy or escape money, under the rules your H is playing by, that money is yours.</p>
<p>*I think the hiding of his other job funds and bank account is a form of control. He maintains control of the money and of the decisions and she is out of the loop. I really hope you can find a way to demand to see bank statements because you should know what money your husband is taking in at the very least, not to mention having a say in how the money is used. However, this isn’t always easy to accomplish with someone who is into control and unilateral decision making. *</p>
<p>Just had a thought…does the DH have the bank statements sent elsewhere? Or do you just choose not to open/look at them when they come. (OK naughty wife tip here…if you cut the end of the envelope with a sliver of a cut, you can get the statement out, look at it, and then put it back in and lightly glue the end shut (glue stick works great.). LOL I once had to do that to my own letter that I was sending out but forgot to insert something additional.) </p>
<p>I normally wouldn’t recommend this, but this is communal money and he has no right to keep this info secret. If she filed for separation, the amounts would have to get disclosed.</p>
<p>*I can’t escape the feeling that H is hiding something from phone30, something more than just the amount of money he has banked. Maybe that’s all it is, and he thinks/knows she will freak if she knows how much and how far it would go in their OWN finances. *</p>
<p>Yes, that could be possible. Maybe the wife has casually mentioned a desire/need to remodel the kitchen or replace an unreliable car, so he knows she would want the money to go towards that.</p>
<p>* Or maybe there is something more sinister. If not another woman, maybe gambling, or drugs, or something. *</p>
<p>I was also wondering if all the 2nd income could be accounted for. For instance, if he’s netted - say $15k - in the last year from this job…would all $15k be there in the bank? Or, if some was given to niece, could those amounts be demonstrated? I, too, wonder if some has gone to niece and some has gone to something else .</p>
<p>Since he’s worked for a year at this second job, didn’t some of the income get reported on 2009 taxes??? If so, how much was it?</p>
<p>The breakfast conversation was disturbing.</p>
<p>I agree. He was absolutely lying when he gave that vague answer about how much was in his savings. He knew you weren’t expecting an accurate number to the penny. He could have given an estimate. You caught him when you then asked how much he made per pay period. He knew he couldn’t claim to have no idea about that. </p>
<p>Oh…and …about the fact that you’re supposed to make ends meet on his primary income…</p>
<p>1) Don’t pay for any credit card charges that HE makes.</p>
<p>2) Don’t purchase any pricier foods/drinks that your H likes to have around the house for his consumption…beer, soda, chips, snacks, crackers, etc.</p>
<p>3) Don’t spend on anything extra that involves mostly him. Don’t renew any magazine subscriptions, newspapers, etc that he wants. </p>
<p>Tell him the family can’t afford those things anymore. Let him pay for these things.</p>
<p>*I would also take your earnings and keep them in your own account. Whether you use it for college funds for the kids, therapy or escape money, under the rules your H is playing by, that money is yours. *</p>
<p>I agree…and I would only use some of it for college…but only if H matches it (at least!!!) dollar for dollar from his fund.</p>
<p>Earlier there was mention of the potential spendy spouse and how to handle an inheritance. I think, if I wanted to stay in the marriage and work things out, but also wanted to protect the money long term, I would not tell the spouse about the inheritance or if he was aware of it, I would not tell him the amount.</p>
<p>If you’ve got an irresponsible spouse, you have to protect that kind of one time windfall for the long term whilst perhaps not making it a big issue. That is probably a passive aggressive method of dealing with the issue, but it also avoids daily conflict until things can progress.</p>