<p>phone30-
How did you find a pt time job in ONE DAY in this economy???</p>
<p>Alumother: thanks. will keep that in mind.</p>
<p>sylvan8798, he’s hiding the money for sure, but what else he is hiding do not know, hope its nothing else but have a nagging feeling it is something. I have been quite naive all these years but going to be more alert to see if anything else going on…</p>
<p>CountingDown, can’t wait for tax time, I so badly want to see the numbers!</p>
<p>mom2, yes, the bank statements do not come home, either they are available to him online or sent to his office maybe. his weekly beer/wine tab is quite a bit - maybe I should say something… we have a joint account and he just takes the money and uses it for his needs, so to cut that down i need to work on it.</p>
<p>jym626, thru a good neighbor, at her workplace. its not a great job, but is a good start</p>
<p>Phone30, so glad to hear you are going forward and taking care of yourself one baby step at a time. I agree that you should have your own separate bank account for the earnings of this job. I agree with the poster who mentioned not signing any tax forms until you see the W2s. Small, consistent assertions will start to change your situation around. Good luck and please continue to post your progress.</p>
<p>You are correct in saying that you want to teach your children that they are not powerless in their own lives. This is even a more powerful lesson to any daughters you may have. It is a valuable gift you are giving them and that by itself is greater than the actual deed.</p>
<p>It is unfortunate if you have to sleuth around, as mom2collegekids suggests, phone30. That said, you have a right to know your financial information. Perhaps you can try going on line and seeing if you can find any of the financial information/bank statements/credit card information. You would need to know account info/passwords, or be able to figure them out. If you have credit cards that are in your name and you DHs name, you can set up account access on line. If you have joint bank accounts, you can simply go to the bank. If, as you mention, he has also set up a separate bank account, I would be concerned/upset by that. Theoretically you could do the same (set up a separate account) for your soon-to-be -earned income, and also you can take some of the money from your joint account (perhaps equal to what he takes to spend on alcohol) and put it in your personal account. This is an unfortunate step, as would set up a confrontational situation. I am not saying you should do this, but that you could. If he is going to spend on liquor,you can put equal amount into savings. Seems reasonable, but just unfortunate that you might have to do that.</p>
<p>While I understands that many couples, especially those on second or more marriages, keep some if not much of their financial matters separate, it is simply foreign to me. Same with inheritance. When my FIL died, our portion of the inheritance went into a stock account (unfortunately he had a lot in Lehman Bros 
). If there is any inheritance when my fa passes away, It will go into our joint account unless, for tax purposes, it needs to go into an account for the kids. While I understand from a fiscal standpoint why accounts might be separate, from an emotional standpoint it is a different kettle of fish.</p>
<p>If I were Phone I would do a credit check on H to see if I recognize all of his credit accounts, not going to see bank accounts, but would be able to see all of his credit information. I would also use something like [People</a> Search | Background Check | Reverse Cell Phone Lookup - Intelius.com](<a href=“http://www.intelius.com%5DPeople”>http://www.intelius.com) to do a search on H. It would disclose all addresses he has ever used to for bank account, credit card, and his family (relatives). All of those information could be done online and free.</p>
<p>While I believe the H has set up this environmental lack of trust, and the feeling of the need to get into whatever he is hiding, I think the steps you are already taking…getting a job, etc…, are positve steps for YOU.</p>
<p>I’m not saying you ought not to protect yourself, but I don’t believe, at this point, you are ready to set up some hostile environment, or anywhere close to wanting a separation or divorce. So, I wouldn’t take antagonistic steps, quite yet.</p>
<p>Look, the thing that’s really important to remember is that if you haven’t, during the relationship, asked for what you need consistently and insisted on being treated as a partner, it will take small, consistent steps to change the relationship. So, I guess what I’m saying is: take a small vacation with girlfriends on the weekend, and do NOT set up childcare. Turn off the cell phone the minute you leave the house and do not turn it back on until you get home. Leave at night after he gets home. Leave a note. “Going to X for the weekend, be back Monday night.” These are his kids, as well.</p>
<p>Make a budget, which includes what you need to save for college, and give this to him…“These are our expenses. This is what are spending on beer…etc…This is what we will need to retire, send our kids to school.”</p>
<p>Just start to live your life, but be kind. If it turns out that even if you are kind and open and trusting, AND becoming independent and whatnot, and he is still not treating you as a partner? Then, you will have a different set of information.</p>
<p>If you say, “We need X.”
And he says, “I have to give X to ________”
You can say, “I’m sorry you have chosen to take on that responsibility, but that has nothing to do with me. Good luck with that, but at this point, we need X.”</p>
<p>OTOH, if you’re absolutely finished and if you feel you have already tried everything, sincerely, then I’d go with the snooping around, to the point of even contacting an attorney, to just “discuss” your options and what you need to do to protect yourself…Attorneys will meet with you to discuss, without taking action. If you want.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>phone, yes, it may take sleuthing. I think your idea of not signing the tax forms until you see evidence of his earnings at the second job and a bank statement that he has in his own name is a good idea. </p>
<p>Then, while this doesn’t solve the bank statement/earnings question, you also can run a credit check online for free of your husband and see what, if anything, that uncovers. </p>
<p>I also think your work account earnings should be in a separate bank account particularly since right now he has one job’s earnings going into a separate account that you can’t even see. </p>
<p>Somemom, I just don’t know how someone can keep an inheritance totally secret. I mean a spouse is going to know by mere inference that when one’s parents die, and if these parents had any wealth at all, that the children would inherit something. I mean it is a given, for example, that I know my husband will inherit something (I have no clue how much though) when his parents eventually die. Also, in my case, not only did I get an inheritance, but my children were also given inheritances in trust. There is just no way my husband would not know these basic facts. Further, we’ve decided together regarding the kids’ inheritances for how much was for education and such. </p>
<p>As far as hiding how much the spouse inherited, I suppose it is possible but I don’t see it as realistic. In my case, for example, tons of mail comes in every week regarding my inheritance (lots of it was in investments, IRAs and such). My husband doesn’t open mail addressed to me. But there is no way he wouldn’t see all this mail flowing in from investment companies when we don’t have any investments of our own. It would be hard not to notice. Also, I’m not the type to hide things and so I’m sure he can find these opened statements and see them. But in any case, my husband asked me what I inherited. Now, who is going to say to their spouse, “none of your business!” I can’t imagine it. That just is not me. As well, while an inheritance is in my own name, I don’t think of it for myself only. I would like to think that I have a major say in how it is used, but I don’t mean to use it for myself. I see it, for example, in my own case, as for our retirement as a couple, since my husband has saved nothing for retirement. </p>
<p>The issue earlier on this thread was that if a spouse has an inheritance in their own name, the other spouse can’t touch it but there are some circumstances where the non-inheritance spouse may be making other financial decisions or changing their employment situation voluntarily or taking out loans or racking up debt, etc. unilaterally whereby it would necessitate the one with the inheritance to have to make up for it in order to pay everyday expenses. The non-inheritance spouse may be relying on the inheritance from the spouse’s inheritance. So, just having an inheritance in one’s own name, may not fully protect it’s use. I understand that if the inheritance is a secret, maybe so, but I don’t see how one can keep it a secret. Another example, I had to give my husband some important tax forms from earnings from the existing investments I inherited in order for him to file our joint tax return. So, I don’t know how one would hide this even if they wanted to (though I am not into a spouse keeping secrets even if the other spouse keeps secrets with money).</p>
<p>EDIT…cross posted with oldfort on the suggestion of online credit check, which is free.</p>
<p>…also you can take some of the money from your joint account (perhaps equal to what he takes to spend on alcohol…</p>
<p>Oh, I don’t know. They got a bigger money issue. H is putting away a lot of money, much more than a few bottles of liquor to pay for the niece’s wedding. That’s where the fight should be.</p>
<p>phone…if you are willing to share…I still am wondering why the support of the niece seems to solely rest on your husband’s shoulders and I am unclear if the niece’s own mom (a widow) and the niece’s grandparents do not support her at all? It seems that in such an unfortunate circumstance as her father’s death, that her mom would have to work and that the grandparents would be helping out too. And was there no life insurance?</p>
<p>If he says, “How could you just leave the kids??? It is your responsibility to take care of the kids while I work.”</p>
<p>You say, “It is my responsibility to take care of the kids while you work to support THIS household, that was my agreement. It is not my responsibility to take care of the kids so that you can support your mother’s other grandchildren into adulthood. I’m sorry you have chosen to take on that responsibility for yourself, but I have not.”</p>
<p>The reason I’m so insistent on you leaving without arrangements for a period of time is because your investment is being undervalued and disrespected and there is no other way for your investment to even be seen until you expose it through your absence.</p>
<p>poetgrl…I like that (610). I also think this is an even stronger point now that the niece is out of college. I mean I don’t even support my OWN children once they have graduated college.</p>
<p>Phone30, have you actually heard, direct from the source, the MIL and SIL say he has to pay for niece’s wedding, etc. or is that something that is coming to you through H? (you mentioned they don’t really talk to you) Also, does he use one of the house computers for online activity? If so, have you looked at the history to see where people have been?</p>
<p>If you decide to snoop around, get a PI.</p>
<p>Get a money trail…an attorney…etc…</p>
<p>I feel kinda bad for this guy now that he is dealing with ALL of us at the same time. :eek:</p>
<p>Also, with the niece, if the mom did not have any money for her daughter’s college education, wouldn’t she have qualified for need based aid (had the uncle not paid for it)?</p>
<p>poetgrl that made me laugh. You’re right, but unfortunately he seems to have it coming. Hiding things from phone30 that are need to know is not kosher.</p>
<p>Do you know how much money your husband makes? Does he have any 401k’s? Does he have any money taken out of his 1st job’s earnings to go to some sort of other savings or investment account that you don’t know about? </p>
<p>Do you know where his second job is? Could you one night see if his car is there? </p>
<p>Do you sign the tax forms? I know that my husband files online, so he has a copy of my signature to use for that. I trust my husband, and we go over everything for the taxes before it is sent off, but I suppose he could do something underhanded if he wanted to. It isn’t in his nature. Oh, and did you know that you can obtain a copy of previous years filed tax returns from the IRS if you want to? You just shouldn’t be in the dark about so much of your financial information.</p>
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<p>Agreed. But I’m sure he’s going to be one confused fella.</p>
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<p>this is actually a very good idea. practical.</p>
<p>If you use an accountant to prepare your tax returns, call the office and ask for a copy. Then look at the forms for interest income…and the name of the bank. It will give you an idea of how much is in that separate account.</p>
<p>Best wishes as you go forward.</p>
<p>^^^good advice…</p>
<p>*Earlier there was mention of the potential spendy spouse and how to handle an inheritance. I think, if I wanted to stay in the marriage and work things out, but also wanted to protect the money long term, I would not tell the spouse about the inheritance or if he was aware of it, I would not tell him the amount.</p>
<p>If you’ve got an irresponsible spouse, you have to protect that kind of one time windfall for the long term whilst perhaps not making it a big issue. That is probably a passive aggressive method of dealing with the issue, but it also avoids daily conflict until things can progress. *</p>
<p>If the spouse knows its for a rather large amount, then one option might be to let your spouse know that the money has been put in some kind of account or investment that can’t be touched without big penalties. Buying stock or buying property with the money would also keep the spendy spouse from thinking the money could be used to cover debts.</p>