<p>poetgrl- if phone30 leaves the kids/Dh out of the blue for a weekend with no arrangements and only a note to a H who she already knows from history is not there, this is not only dangerous to the kids, this could, should she pursue a divorce, come back to bite her in the butt as an example of neglect or poor parenting. I don’t know how old the kids are, but this is a BAD idea. Understand the intent is to be a wake-up call, but it could blow up in her face bigtime. Plus, what mother, knowing the DH is working long hours and unavailable, even with sufficient warning for him to make arrangements, would do that??</p>
<p>Igloo- </p>
<p>Absolutely the savings of equivalent of his liquor budget is small potatoes-- it was just meant as a start. As someone above said, this change has to be slow, with small steps. She cant expect dramatic changes from herself or him, unless she has all the accounts frozen and serves him with divorce/walking papers or something.</p>
<p>Officially you can’t do a credit check on someone else without their permission. She can run one on herself, and if she has DH’s identifying info (including SSN) she can run it, but I believe it isn’t legal, not that that matters right now. However, if she pursues divorce and is in a custody battle or something, this again could potentially raise its ugly head. Just sayin’</p>
<p>It’s pretty easy to run a credit check on the free online sites. You only need a spouse’s SS#. I think as a spouse, she has a right to know all debts. If husband is hiding debts, he is the one at fault. As well, there could be debts the wife doesn’t know about that are in both their names. I don’t know how it would be known she ran the credit check. Basically, the information she finds out allows her to confront him about debts/loans unbeknownst to her and she doesn’t have to reveal how she found out about them.</p>
<p>Likewise, someone else made the good suggestion that she call the accountant who prepared their tax returns and request a copy. That is easy to do. Then, phone30 may be able to determine what additional income her husband has, etc.</p>
<p>*
his weekly beer/wine tab is quite a bit - maybe I should say something…
we have a joint account and he just takes the money and uses it for his needs, so to cut that down i need to work on it.*</p>
<p>When someone says…"it’s YOUR JOB to manage the household money, then that means YOU have the right to declare that the household budget can ONLY afford X dollars for beer/wine, etc. </p>
<p>It also means that YOU can decide how much money he can withdraw from the joint account each week… </p>
<p>The point is that if YOU have to manage on his take home pay from his primary job, then YOU need to have the right to determine how much each adult can spend. He can spend the money from his second job to pay for extra beer/wine, etc.</p>
<p>momtcollegekids…all that makes fair and logical sense but is hard to enforce if the spouse withdraws money for things they have not mutually agreed to spend it on.</p>
<p>Do I have a right to get a credit report on my spouse or ex-spouse?</p>
<p>No. The Fair Credit Reporting Act only allows individuals to get credit reports on themselves. This excludes you, and/or your attorney from getting a credit report on your spouse.</p>
<p>^^^Well, I do like the name “FAIR Credit Reporting.” LOL, because what is not fair is for a spouse to have loans and debts that are hidden from the other spouse and/or may have been taken on joint accounts without spouse’s knowledge.</p>
<p>Yup, thats what I thought. You can certainly run it, on the sly, if you have the spouses SSN, and it is certainly understandable to want to do it, but it isn’t really kosher and could later be an issue. I’d probably do it if I were phone 30-- just know the potential risk. I also like the idea of calling the accountant and getting a copy of the previous tax returns. The W2s, 1099s etc are usually returned to the filer when the taxes are filed, so what phone30 gets might only be a copy of the actual return without the w2’s and 1099s, but its a start. I’d go in and pick it up- not have it mailed.</p>
<p>I don’t agree with limiting H’s spending on himself. This couple’s probelm is saving too much for someone else’s need. They should spend on themselves and their kids. If any money is left after spending for a comfortable life and funding kids’ future plans, they can talk how much could go to helping others.</p>
<p>Igloo, I agree that what is most disturbing in phone30’s case (besides her H’s “secrets”!!) is that money should first cover their own family, and their own kids’ educations and so forth, BEFORE paying for another relative. I respect helping the niece, I truly find it commendable, but not before making sure one’s own family/kids are taken care of.</p>
<p>Someone said above that a spouse would know about other investements, accounts etc. through mail coming to the house. It is very simple to get a PO box at the local post office and just route mail there. I did it during the period right before my divorce and before ex-H had moved out of the house, which was several months.</p>
<p>Jym may be right about post 610. But, I get so angry when men take for granted the investment women make in taking care of thier children. It is usually the exact same men who say to strangers, “Oh, I don’t want my wife to work, taking care of the kids is too important.”</p>
<p>bah! </p>
<p>Just, I guess I think she should go slow and not rush. You don’t want to rush.</p>
<p>About a spouse not knowing what the inheritance is, I’m watching a friend do it quite successfully. No one knows how the will was structured. What will pass over one generation and go directly to the next. What can never be sold. She has told DH much is tied up which is true, and has given him no info on available cash.</p>
<p>This has given me a lot of food for thought about taking another look at how I’ve structured mine in terms of maximum protection for the kids. And made me think a lot about how I will handle money in a second marriage.</p>
<p>Phone30, can you, in a non confrotential way ask DH why he feels it’s actable to have a secret account?</p>
<p>poetgirl, don’y get mad, moneyterize(?) your contributions. If you have to hire a “governness” to do what you do for your kids, pay consultants to determine kids’ future directions, how they behave, what they wear, etc, you will see it adds up to a lot.</p>
<p>Since I somehow ended up owning my own company, I’ve been working full time all along…sometimes more than full time…but, I’m lucky, cuz it kind of has its own momentum now, if you know what I mean, and I’m able to go to games, be there for this, that, the other thing.</p>
<p>And, H, who also works tons, is a real partner in this. One year, inspite of how successful he is, he took a year off to deal with kid things (both were in a very travelly situation at the same time, for some reason.) He was still working, but he can do it from a computer, and I sometimes need to be on site.</p>
<p>But, I will say, when I see a woman who has really invested in her kids and her husbands, as a career, and see her used so badly, even though both agreed to this contract, even though he will run around bragging about his wife not working, and then holding the money hostage? I fume.</p>
<p>^^for this reason the older I get the more it seems to me sahm’s need to have their own money: either an account from single and/or childless days, an inheritance, or an old-fashioned dowry… not only for protection in case of divorce but, even more importantly, because it does change, even if very subtly, the power structure of the relationship.</p>
<p>Sigh. The power issues with money running through this thread has me thinking about what steps I need to consider re: my own account. We have always had everything except IRA/401(k) funds as joint accounts. Neither one of us is profligate with $$, though. (au contraire) There will be no inheritances from either of our parents. The leverage applied to kids re: college funding, though, is not pretty at times.</p>
<p>Soozievt - I don’t have a problem with the Fair Credit Reporting Act - its the concept that you can be responsible for a spouse’s debt without agreeing/signing for it that’s twisted. </p>
<p>One, I am glad my wife and I are both tightfisted and debt adverse; second I’m glad were live in a “normal” Common Law state and not from a Community Property state - just in case she gets any strange ideas.</p>
Not to mention that other members of the family (BIL’s and SIL’s, cousins, etc.) are likely to know about the inheritance and might offhandedly mention it. An awkward silence ensues around the Thanksgiving table after cousin Susie blabs that she’s touring Europe next summer on granny’s inheritance money…</p>
<p>What about when it’s time for the FAFSA and Profile forms? The inheritance hiding in the bank would be an asset, no? Besides, how many people are so well set that they have no desire/need to improve their current conditions and use some of the money? Especially if it is recurring gift money rather than a lump sum. Most middle class families have things they are struggling for - a better neighborhood, newer car, private schools, less hours at the office, care for aging relatives, etc. Or is everyone working long hours because they like the tone fluorescent lights give their pasty skin?</p>
<p>Reading all these responses makes me think that phone should proceed very carefully, just in case there is a divorce. This means behaving completely above board (don’t check his credit score, don’t “abandon” the kids for a weekend trip, etc). I would keep careful records of everything, maybe even keep notes on every conversation involving money. No, this is not what a marriage should be but phone needs to protect herself and her children. And phone, don’t blame yourself – it is your H who has set up this situation of mistrust and suspicion, quite deliberately. </p>
<p>If it were me, I would try one more time to have a serious conversation about his secret account. Not when he’s on his way to work, but at a time he cannot flee. Then, if he refuses to be forthcoming, I would consult a lawyer.</p>
<p>And for all of us who are lucky enough to have marriages where this kind of thing is never an issue (and I count myself in this group), saying you would never not share an inheritance, or keep a separate account, is not really helpful information for phone.</p>