<p>I just wonder why some parents think that THEY would be “bored silly” taking care of their OWN kids but they think strangers would not be? LOL</p>
<p>Do these parents think that they are “too smart,” therefore they would be bored silly?</p>
<p>If so, do they think the answer is to let lesser intelligent people essentially raise their kids for the much of their waking/learning hours??? </p>
<p>Odd. Don’t get it.</p>
<p>Over 20 years ago, my DH received an inheritance; legally it was all set up to be his separate property and I respected that. He and a partner invested their inheritances in real estate. When the recession hit and their were seriously negative consequences, they hit me 100% even though the investment was his separate property.</p>
<p>At that point we had some serious discussions and everything has been a team effort ever since. We have no secrets, but having been though the down side, and my DH was not keeping a secret, he was just making unilateral decisions, I would do whatever it took to investigate the situation if I were phone30</p>
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That seems so grossly unfair :(.</p>
<p>I guess one could keep inheritance to oneself if not spending. I don’t understand how anyone can spend it on their own. “I am buying a car twice as nice as the family car since it’s my money?”</p>
<p>*my DH received an inheritance; legally it was all set up to be his separate property and I respected that. He and a partner invested their inheritances in real estate. When the recession hit and their were seriously negative consequences, they hit me 100% even though the investment was his separate property.</p>
<p>At that point we had some serious discussions and everything has been a team effort ever since.*</p>
<p>Are you saying that the investment went bad and therefore there were debts that had to be paid with community property money? </p>
<p>If so, that’s a huge lesson for those out there who might be doing something similar…don’t invest inheritance in something that might require community property money for a bail out. It sounds like he invested all of his inheritance, instead of setting some aside to cover any problems.</p>
<p>I can imagine everything was a joint effort after that. I imagine a very sheepish spouse not having the nerve to do anything but joint after that. LOL</p>
<p>*I guess one could keep inheritance to oneself if not spending. I don’t understand how anyone can spend it on their own. “I am buying a car twice as nice as the family car since it’s my money?” *</p>
<p>Totally agree. There is a man in our community that drives a Ferrari…yes, a Ferrari…even though the family is not rich. He inherited the money and spent it on THAT, while his wife struggles with the family budget. </p>
<p>Inheritances that are kept separate should be for future financial safety for the family. They are kept separate because if there is a divorce, then the money stays with the heir. Inheritances should not be used in a way that allows one spouse to live lavishly while the other spouse and children must live frugally.</p>
<p>Going to counseling in half an hour. got an appt yesterday since someone had canceled. how do you tell a total stranger your life story? how do you tell a 14 year story in an hour… i know there are going to be more sessions but where do you start? at the beginning? or at the present and then work your way backward or wait for the counselor to steer you? Do you ask the counselor for possible solutions? feeling anticipation and some trepidation but mostly happy that i am doing something to get this life situation better. thanks to my family of CCers for just two weeks ago I wasnt planning on any of this. Once I got started i got started good, eventhough they are baby steps.</p>
<p>Usually in the first appointment the therapist will take a comprehensive history that will include much more than just the immediate issues that bring you in. It will probably be pretty structured. Good luck- report back!</p>
<p>Phone…</p>
<p>Good luck…</p>
<p>Maybe start with family dynamics.</p>
<p>However, if your counselor is not the right type for this situation, change counselors.</p>
<p>There is a type of counselor that will not deal with family history, in-law issues, etc.</p>
<p>Jym is right…the counselor (if he/she is a good one) will start by taking an intake of your history.</p>
<p>What type of counselor would not deal with family history or family dynamics as part of the history and presenting problem? Its likely in the first appointment there may not be the opportunity to delve into specifics of family dynamics. Most first appts will involve addressing the reason for the appointment, but will involve taking a comprehensive history (birth, developmental, educational, family/psychosocial, medical, mental health, substance use, etc) as well as an assessment of mood status, presenting symptoms, etc and identifying treatment goals and plans. It sometimes takes a few sessions to get to know what I call the “cast of characters” and start to hone in on issues, behavior patterns, family dynamics, etc. Good luck!</p>
<p>PHone, I’m really glad you are going to a counselor.</p>
<p>Remember that you can try more than one, and that you are interviewing them to see/sense if you have a rapport.</p>
<p>I feel you are in for some major changes in your life, if you choose, and I would wish you all the best luck and the least amount of pain you can have. I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible.</p>
<p>I’ve seen many cases where the court has awarded support to sah men and women where they had nit been sah by mutual agreement. It’s usually cut and dry, the 2 are entitled to an equal lifestyle going forward.</p>
<p>Barrons, did you get a prenuptial in the second marriage? As I sit here by the pool at the lovely resort my ex husband is paying for, I do feel a certain sense of justice has been done for what I endured in the marriage. Your wife may too someday:)</p>
<p>redroses, you are mean. :eek: But, I suppose, if anyone brings it on themselves it is Barrons.</p>
<p>As a note: I have a couple of girl friends who pay support. And, one, who is quite successful has an ex H who will never have to work. But, he has physical custody and takes care of the kids, and they are really quite good friends. She thinks he does a really great job with thier two sons, and she is grateful, even if she no longer wants to be married to him.</p>
<p>fair is fair, imho.</p>
<p>phone30…I am really glad you are going to a counselor. You likely are there already but in the first session, you could give background and general history and just touch on the current dilemma that brought you there. You can’t really address the current dilemma in the first session but you are filling the counselor in on everything as context and then maybe next session you can discuss in detail what you are grappling with currently. Proud of you for taking this step and I’m glad you’ll be heard (by others besides us at CC). </p>
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<p>I agree with this. I do think it is wise to keep an inheritance in just the heir’s name, such as in case of divorce and so on. I received an inheritance and I consider it in my mind as for us as a couple, our future security/retirement (as we had none previously) and for my family as a whole, and not for myself. I have not used any on myself, nor any without my husband’s knowledge. However, I do think I should have a significant say on the use of this money (not a unilateral say but definitely significant say).</p>
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<p>I agree with this wise advice. Likewise, as some have mentioned on this thread, there can be an issue where the non-inheritance spouse has compromised the community property and the one with the inheritance must bail that out. Not a great situation either.</p>
<p>I have a friend who has stayed far too long in a very unhealthy marriage (by her own admission). Her DH lost his high paying accounting job due to some ETOH related issues. At first they decided to have him stay home with the kids (older one had learning/social adjustment/behavior issues) for the short term and do the accounting/bookkeeping for her business. The kids were young at the time and she travels frequently for her business. Well, things have gone from bad to worse and her H (by her description) has done little more than basic carpooling for the kids (she cooks, cleans, handles all school, Dr etc related issues for the kids as he just… doesn’t). He spends most of his time playing tennis with the ladies or lounging around. Her efforts to get him of the couch and to look for a job have been fruitless. </p>
<p>The kids are now in HS/college (older one in a local cc with a lot of support). Couples therapy has been tried several times, with no change. She know she needs to get out, but wants to provide stability financially for her kids, and also knows if they divorce they’ll have to move/sell the house, etc. She travels a lot for her job so is waiting til the kids are both in college til she makes a change. She resents the $h*t out of the fact that she’ll have to pay him alimony. She has been unable to think of a way to squirrel away $$ bec. her H does still do the books for her business. We’ve tried to encourage her to get out of a bad marriage sooner rather than later, but this is the plan she is on.They live in separate bedrooms. Sad situation, but she feels stuck, and is sacrificing herself for the sake of the kids. We (her close friends) don’t agree, but its her life.</p>
<p>Redroses and poetgrl, LOL! You calls it as you sees it, as they say!</p>
<p>What type of counselor would not deal with family history or family dynamics as part of the history and presenting problem? Its likely in the first appointment there may not be the opportunity to delve into specifics of family dynamics.</p>
<p>I used to think that they all do, but I found out from my sister (who is a LCSW), that not all types of therapists are trained to take a thorough family history intake. BTW…LCSW’s are trained to do so. Therapists who are so trained, look at family history, family dynamics, income/education levels, ethnic influences, religious/cultural influences, alcohol/drug histories in the family, divorce history in the family, abuse history in the family, etc.</p>
<p>I forget which type of therapist it is, but she said that that type is more trained to deal with the “here and now”…such as, “I have a 7 year old who won’t behave, what do I do.” These therapists are great for those kind of situations, and my sister has a partner who is that type, but for deeper issues that involve “messed up childhoods,” extended family issues, perhaps ethnic/old-world traditions that interfere, etc, then you need a therapist trained to do that thorough family history intake.</p>
<p>This statement is what I did not understand, mom2collegekids
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<p>There are some situations where it is appropriate to do a cognitive-behavioral approach, dealing with current behavior change, and I agree, with certain types of patients it is better to leave a lid on certain things, but you don’t know that, or determine the best treatment approach until the clinical history has been gathered and the therapist has an idea of the best intervention approach for a patient. A therapist who does not gather a clinical history at the first appointment is practicing below the standard of care. Doesnt matter if they are an LCSW, MSW, LPC, LMFT, PhD, PsyD, MD. And yes, certainly not all therapists treat all issues. They stay (or should) within the area of their expertise and refer out if the issue involves something that is not their specialty or in which they do not feel they are the right person to treat that issue.</p>
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<p>I’m a former sahm who used to agree with the above. absolutely. 
Now, in my mid-50’s my point of view has changed: To me saying someone would be bored silly doing the day-to-day raising of their own kids isn’t much different than saying certain people are bored silly with any particular type of work. Is anyone but a lawyer insulted if we say the law just bores us silly? Don’t people just come with different interests?And abilities? I don’t think there is anything especially noble in being primary caregiver of your own children anymore than any other “job” you decide to undertake. My kids would have been fine raised by someone else. I undertook the job primarily for my own amusement and self-satisfaction. But, in my opinion, sahmoms and dads do need to have some money of their own. Or a marketable degree, even if they will never be able to compete at the same level with their peers who don’t opt out for a period of years. (The idea that a payment of some imaginary “loan” could make “whole” the partner who supported a spouse through grad school just about made me fall off my chair :()</p>
<p>And the sah dads I knew while homeschooling were amazing parents… never ran into one of these lounging around the house kinds of dads.:)</p>
<p>RE: that inheritance, yes DH & the other inheritors invested together in several real estate properties in the late 80s…ya’ll can guess what happened in the early 90s.</p>
<p>Essentially they were forced due to personalities to sell at fire sale prices in the early 90s recession, lost everything that had been invested. Had the evil partner not forced the sale, they all would have made money by holding on to the property. It was brutal on the extended family relationships, too!</p>
<p>Technically it only applied to DH, but in reality it affected me & my kids, so I am angrily against so called separate property if it risks bleeding over onto the community property.</p>
<p>If one inherits a house with no debt and keeps it as a rental, that’s fine. I am sure there are many ways to keep things separate, but make sure that it would remain separate in bad times as well as good.</p>
<p>*My kids would have been fine raised by someone else. *</p>
<p>Don’t sell yourself short. My H and I are very certain that our kids would not have been “just fine” being raised by daycare people who really can’t have long term interests in one’s children. </p>
<p>As for SAH Dads…no problem with those. However, I do know a lounging around such a dad…he even took his babies to daycare Mondays thru Fridays cuz “babies are too much work”-- in his works. Don’t know any SAH Moms who ever did that.</p>
<p>Technically it only applied to DH, but in reality it affected me & my kids, so I am angrily against so called separate property if it risks bleeding over onto the community property.</p>
<p>Not sure what you mean by saying it only applied to your H…it sounds like it also applied to you if it bleeded onto community assets. </p>
<p>And, isn’t it sad that all involved lost their inheritance. I can imagine that their is bad blood between those involved and the one who forced the sale.</p>
<p>Legally the separate assets were only his, so legally it did not affect me…but in reality it did. Separate property is a legal term, not a real life term ;)</p>
<p>The one who forced the sale is dead now and I will admit to doing the Snoopy dance when I heard as he was an unstable fool.</p>
<p>The good news is that DH and I weathered the storm and forged a much deeper trust and much more significant relationship. Financially it was a disaster, relationship wise, it was an amazing change. We had not thought there were problems, the separate property thing was just the way attorneys set up the inheritance, it was not directed at me personally</p>